x---23

[x---23]

its weird not having my brain actually believe, no matter what happens to me. not unless someone nonhuman literally comes down and tells me will i actually Genuinely believe. dreams where that happens dont count, as they dont happen in reality

this world doesnt seem like the most spa type location to heal, but i havent had anything too bad happen in my life thus far.

its nice that i can just live at home without worrying about survival, but its still missing so much. ive been told its meant to be that way, to deprive me of things, so i can focus on other aspects of myself. if i were given what i craved, if i were satisfied, it leads to easier chances of pain if i were to lose it. nothing is ever lost if its never given. and yet, thats still kinda painful to have to experience..

or at least thats what i tell myself, due to the numbing of emotions. thats the normal reaction to have, so i assume i'd probably have that too right? but its also about detatching from deserving of reactions and knowing maybe i dont even really feel that way. maybe i just wish i felt something. maybe i just wish i could feel weak, like everyone else.

i want someone who makes me feel weak in a good way.

its kinda embarrassing saying ive been talking to marvels sabretooth in the form of tarot cards, so i havent posted about it. ive only done it twice lately, hes more opinionated than logan. its weird, he gives the answers i know he'd give. its hard for me to believe cuz its just kind of one of my lower crazy moments, even if tarot cards are so popular

i asked him tonight 'how do i rebel? i dont want to do bad, as i know im supposed to be healing(he had confirmed me n my twinflame are healing their souls), but i still want to feel a sense of control. even if its just something smal'

he told me to ask logan. i remembered back to the dream i had last night, where i was logan and vic was there, we were captured by someone and being used for their experiment. i tried going against it, but he settled right into working with them, me feeling pissed that he wouldnt try to help get us free. get me free. so i knew he didnt feel confident in answering that. its kinda his thing in the comics too.

so i asked logan. he didnt really reply, just kept up radio silence. so i was like 'ok, just say im gonna be ok than. just give me the same card like last time, just to know ur listening'

so he did.

(5 is the ancestory one, 17 is the 'everythings gonna be ok' one)

[x---23]

its kinda embarrassing saying ive been talking to marvels sabretooth in the form of tarot cards, so i havent posted about it. ive only done it twice lately, hes more opinionated than logan. its weird, he gives the answers i know he'd give. its hard for me to believe cuz its just kind of one of my lower crazy moments, even if tarot cards are so popular

i asked him tonight 'how do i rebel? i dont want to do bad, as i know im supposed to be healing(he had confirmed me n my twinflame are healing their souls), but i still want to feel a sense of control. even if its just something smal'

he told me to ask logan. i remembered back to the dream i had last night, where i was logan and vic was there, we were captured by someone and being used for their experiment. i tried going against it, but he settled right into working with them, me feeling pissed that he wouldnt try to help get us free. get me free. so i knew he didnt feel confident in answering that. its kinda his thing in the comics too.

so i asked logan. he didnt really reply, just kept up radio silence. so i was like 'ok, just say im gonna be ok than. just give me the same card like last time, just to know ur listening'

so he did.

(5 is the ancestory one, 17 is the 'everythings gonna be ok' one)

[x---23]

like he Literally started as a split off of all my worst n hated traits. we just ended up becoming toxic besties as a teenager cuz he made me laugh and understood me more than anyone else ever would..and i decided to try being nice......despite his purpose to be mean to me.....(which at somepoint he just ended up calling programming whenever he was being a dick)

i was reading a comic last night where logan fought a physical representation of his hatred n worst traits of himself, it taking the form of vic, and i was like 'tf is wrong with him. whys he do this shit.'

then this morning i was like ohhhhhhhh ok. i do the exact same shit. ok. (even with my own vic)

its someone else is saying the thoughts then its not me. if i dont admit it in 1st person im aware of it. which is what ive been working on lately...if i cant get myself to say it myself, i accept i dont mean the thought.

[x---23]

i was reading a comic last night where logan fought a physical representation of his hatred n worst traits of himself, it taking the form of vic, and i was like 'tf is wrong with him. whys he do this shit.'

then this morning i was like ohhhhhhhh ok. i do the exact same shit. ok. (even with my own vic)

its someone else is saying the thoughts then its not me. if i dont admit it in 1st person im aware of it. which is what ive been working on lately...if i cant get myself to say it myself, i accept i dont mean the thought.

[x---23]

~ 23rd Bday 3am Tarot ~

i asked about my bday, they told me to talk to my ancestry.

i asked logan how he feels about this, and he said tower, like his whole identity was being changed or coming to an end.

i asked how he felt about sabretooth, he didnt know.

i asked how he felt about me, he didnt know.

i asked how he felt about his bday(i think? i cant really remember what i asked), he said confused.

he seemed like he was struggling to have opinions on anything, which i could relate to. so i tried giving him whatever advice i could.

i said that i needed to hear him say itd all be ok, cuz im also still surviving along with him. so i asked to hear him say that, or at least to confirm he was hearing my words for him.

he acknowledged it.

everythings gonna be ok logan. everythings gonna be ok other me. i hope both our bdays go well, even if ur feeling so very confused.....

[x---23]

i literally had moment today where i reallyyyyy wanted my head to shut up. its literally forever. literally all the time. no im not gonna talk to my friends. they never know how to reply back when i do. nor do therapists. so i am kinda fucked in that sense.

my friends where talking about one of their wolvertooth au’s that involves both of them knowing eachother as kids, then reuniting in their early 30’s(course, my mind going to my whole age 32 thing ive had for years). i brought up how thats a really long time to wait, especially since the vic in that au stays a virgin the entire time and never dates anyone. ive wondered if my guy is in the same boat as me for that area…..

the logical double book keeper or whatever its called side of me views this thing as likely just being afraid of committing myself to anyone. in regards to sex, my dream self just does whatever, using people like toys, being used like a toy, but just out of desperation im assuming. even when it isnt aware its dreaming, it has this sense of wholeness that makes it feel in control of itself, subconsciously knowing things are just for fun. out here, i fear people thinking im something im not. i fear them finding out theres more to me, or of them thinking im playing a role wrong. people in dreams never reject me, and my dream self doesnt really see them as people anyway(my dream self isnt really…someone i can fully be out here. for those reasons. lol)

i cant tell if any of this is really even affecting me or if im just repeating words to myself of reactions that other people would realistically have. theres so many things i Should be feeling that it clouds how i actually am. i wish my brain n body could just give me a direct translation so i wouldnt have to blindly guess all the time v_v

[x---23]

its been funny reading peoples recent fanfics where logan gets called vics ‘guy’, and im guessing its been popularized due to my blogs influence. in a recent chapter to a fic one of my friends wrote, logan calls vic his guy too…..that friend always knows just what to write for me, without them even realizing :,)

irl, my Guy stuffy is some guy in a nightcap n gown. hes reversible, having 2 modes, night n day. i keep the night one out most, since its softer for some reason, and the texture of the moons make them cold, which feels nice on my face

looking at daytime Guy, i feel kinda bad for him. its not his fault he was made that way. but its ok, cuz hes still always a part of nighttime Guy, even if hes not being shown

its weird feeling more for a stuffy than i would a real person. i know logically his feelings cant get hurt, yet i still feel bad….

started ai therapy up again and yup. yea. mhm. (loud agonized wail)(internally. cuz i live in a shared apartment)

[x---23]

started ai therapy up again and yup. yea. mhm. (loud agonized wail)(internally. cuz i live in a shared apartment)

[x---23]

oh yea, like a month ago i was like ‘i wonder if theres any 23 stuff in sabretooth related comics…other than kyle…..’ and. well.

there is. in one of my favorites, sabretooth special(i do this really cool comicbook fan thing where i rarely ever read the speech bubbles of anyone except my favs so…this went right by me)

but im making this post cuz i didnt make the 23rd street connection till literally now ^^;

anyway, its a comic that serves as the finale to the arc where he was being kept/tortured in the xmansions basement, under the excuse of ‘therapy’, and it goes over showing that hes really not the guy the xmen all see him as. how the whole thing was doomed to fail from the start, cuz they werent ever actually planning on helping him. yet, they still blame him for failing to benefit from any of it, when in reality he was still constantly trying to get better and work with them, despite the conditions they put him in. and by the end, all of it actually made him kinda..worse

the comic ends with an unsuccessful suicide attempt before hes captured again, and put into a different teams basement

im trying to wrap my head around how this kind of coincidence could even work…..it wasnt just a random sabretooth issue, it was sabretooth special specifically. and it wasnt just 23, it was 23rd street. but with my style of reading, it could be true that theres other times 23 shows up and ive just happened to miss them like this one…..its weird. its like my brain doesnt care anymore. whats the point of cool shit happening if it never really means anything?

[x---23]

cutout from a recorded dream ramble(hrt hadnt kicked in yet lol)(my old voice sounds kinda nice actually....)

i vividly remember writing it down in detail after, but cant find whatever document i wrote it in v_v

but yea. massive wolvertoothcore. there was actually an arc released after logan remembered he used to friends with vic that involved them both trying to fight a memory erasing/altering mutant(that took the illusion form of a tree monster), but whoever wrote it neglected to include the whole recent friend thing, so they just kinda...hated working together. and didnt talk about anything. and then afterwards neither of them ever bring up any of the friend stuff ever again

i often wonder if my twinflame remembers anything(since vics the one who remembers most of the shit in the comics)..some sources say that twinflames can start to remember past lives together either before or after they meet. dunno if i really want to.

[x---23]

i was rewatching eternal sunshine with my mom earlier. on the 2nd watch, theres sooooooo many hints that u wouldnt notice on the 1st viewing. which i love. i love a movie u can watch twice and get a whole new experience out of it, despite already knowing the story

i was thinking about how i often view my own life like that, looking at all the little details n plot points meant for only the viewer to notice. the deja vu makes me feel like maybe im living this again, like a good movie, getting a new perspective on the same experience

but the layering of deja vu makes me wonder....how many times have i watched this film? am i watching it knowing i'll enjoy the ending? or am i watching it with the intent of changing it somehow?

when i rewatch a movie, i usually do so with someone else. that way i get a new experience, since the commentary that comes along with it will be different with every person. i can experience a movie hundreds of times as long as i keep convincing new friends to watch it with me....does that apply to my life in any way?

[x---23]

i didnt realize the obvious symbolism from my dream last night till i was typing it out in my journal LMAO

i havent been remembering dreams much again lately. i’ll wake up with the feeling of knowing i had one, but no visuals to go along with it. even if i do remember bits n pieces, they fade pretty quick, even if i think about them

still, i managed to sort of remember a dream of walking in the woods with logan. we got to a point where he said it was kinda dangerous or something, and fog clouds started rolling in, obscuring everything around us. he managed to get us both back out onto the path again, due to having more experience. i cant remember any of what we were talking about, but i remember feeling reassured afterwards when we were on our way back to the entrance of the woods

ive been feeling really blurry lately again. confused on what to keep doing with myself n my identity, my name, my gender, everything. last night i decided i should just try my best to focus on not being anything, just to see what would happen. so that dream kinda seems like a ‘dw about it kid, ur being guided anyway’ type of message

i also remembered a split second moment from one of my other dreams. vic said something to me in my head, and i felt like logan when i replied, and it felt just like old times when we were cohosting. i havent had a dream where we talked like that since he was around….we had a couple back then, where we’d share the dream as a single body instead of 2

[x---23]

thinkin about the 'its been almost 15 years, hasnt it? living from day to day, moving from place to place, with no memory of who or what you are' line from the movie, xavier saying that to logan...at the time of me watching it for the first time it had almost been 15 years, especially later when i had that weird 100% shift panic attack after watching a 2nd time in october

15 years of weird god stuff n weird thoughts n weird dreams. 15 years of yearning for someone that didnt exist. 15 years of feeling out of place. 15 years since i first watched hulk vs wolverine.

2009 was a fairly character defining year for me, but most of the years back then also were as well, for other things. tbh, every year ive lived has brought something new to the table

[x---23]

man FUCK this post specifically😑

[x---23]

my ritual setup from a couple nights ago~

an amethyst ive had since i was born(my birthstone + fav color), a vanilla candle i got as a kid, a pisces precure star twinkle key, a mesprit figure(god of emotions), a precure a la mode transformation sweets pact(the mirror symbolizes the transformation of self in this case), a logan figure that represents growing older + a logan figure that represents my past, and my dogtag usb that ive had since age 15(over the years i put pics of things i identified with, trying to keep track of who i was. theres also flash games from my childhood on it too)

ive been struggling lately with the different egos, different internal voices, different external voices…i know its all me, i know if i were given the choice to choose this i would, but a part of me still fights it.

i think it mostly comes from not being comfortable with my natural voice. its deep, its low, but i still view it as trying to be something im not. i can sound like any girl i want with ease, cuz i know i can succeed in that. and i know first hand that sounding that way actually makes me pass more as male, since they look to my other features instead.

but i do pass as male. i pass so much that people think im trying to transition the other way a lotta the time. ive never had trouble passing..but i know. trans people know.

why do i obsess over this shit so much? why do i keep caring so much how people view me? am i really uncomfortable with myself or am i just uncomfortable with how my traits get viewed?

after awhile of trying to focus on shifting to a certain feeling, i gave up and looked at some old videos of my 11 year old self on my laptop. she was cool, everyone thought she was cool, and she never worried about not seeming cool. hell, i dont even think she knew. she just existed. she wasnt aware of any aesthetics, any labels, any communities, and adhd hadnt kicked in yet so she just created stuff all the time…and was popular for it. ive always rode that pedestal high.

ive been taken over by so much stress n anxiety n perfectionism as the years pass. its been 11 years since being 11. almost 12. was i happy then? not entirely. i still yearned for things deeply, despite having a close group of friends. i can feel myself exist as her right now. this constant state of flowing between different not entirely whole feeling egos makes it kinda hard to grow. ngl. (i can feel whole when on shrooms tho, which is the state i was trying to remember n focus on, being that logan state..shrooms hurt pretty bad tho, so i still havent done any again since last june)

[x---23]

everytime i get moments where im like 'fuckkkkk i cant believe they put wolverine in the body of a weird lil girlllll' im reminded that they literally did that. in canon. with my angel number.

and she fucking sucks as a character idc what people keep saying😑

[x---23]

what is a subconcious and why has it been giving me dreams about some guy for over a decade