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[x-puerbulla-x]

Wow 2022!

So much has happened I don't even know when was the last time I wrote here, I lost the habit of journaling just because, life hot busier or at least I convinced myself it did, idk where I left off but

I finished highschool still dating my best friend, we broke up cause things were slowly falling apart, she broke up with me (mutual agreement tho) I started working in McDonalds a little before that happen, there later on I got closer to a guy after bea and I broke up and eventually he became my "boyfriend" I knew it wasn't gonna last since it started, he was nothing like me and he was sexist and homophobic, and overall he was a bitch, he traumatized a view aspects in my life, my first time with a guy became an awful story, along with the second, third and however many more times happened, he made me not trust men, he hated all my friends made me isolated, he made me sick people later on were able to tell me how shocked they were to see how brainwashed and different was, he changed me, probably until this day.

He tried to put himself between me and bea and that's were I drew the line, I started to come to my senses and see what he had been doing how he had been acting and finally I broke up with him after maybe what was half a year. I joined a end group with alex and a friend of him and they really helped me heal, whenever I was having fights with him they were there and when I was needing some escapism too, when we broke up there they were, I became close to goncalo and made really good friends, alex had to go to sleep early and so me and goncalo cause we could just play alone would just hang out and play mini games, tell jokes and things were looking better.

Eventually goncalo had to go on vacations with his family and couldn't be with us all day so it became time for me and alex to hang out, we had already known each other for a couple years but never really talked, we became closer and opened up more to each other everyday, he slowly taught me how to trust again, I taught him to open up, we became fascinating about how each other's minds worked, until today I admire the way he views the world, hes a very unic soul

Yet again things got tricky he became distant, bad communication, stubbornness and eventually we started to become more and more distant, he would feel distant to me and I would do the same back unintentionally although I really tried at first to just get him back, in the middle of that I met someone else, someone that was giving me the warmth he couldn't, someone I didn't have to lead the conversations with, I met bruno and he was nice and kind and smart and I accidentally fell in love with him while I was still with Alex, he saw that coming way before me and I denied it, made things a lot worse, eventually he was right, on day hanging out with bruno we get to close, we take it too far, he didn't do anything major, I couldn't even bring myself to kiss him cause I knew what I was doing was so incredibly wrong, it was unacceptable, I eventually came to my senses and stopped it, I immediately told Alex I needed to talk, we met, I told him everything and then broke up. He didn't want us to but it was way too late.

I lost a great connection and there's nothing I regret like having done things like this, after some months I could admit to myself I actually was in love with bruno, we started dating it's almost been a year

Leads me to today, I'm the happiest I've been and that's something this account hasn't seen, today I woke up next to him cause yesterday I went to sleep in his house like I often do, we had lunch in a local restaurant we like and then went for me to make my 4th tattoo, I'm completly in love with what my body looks like today, yet again something new, I got a raise in my job, after mc I worked in continente and then and currently in Padaria Portuguesa where I now am a shift manager, were also looking to get our own apartment in the beginning of the next year I'm so excited for that :)

Life has been smiling at me and I decided that decided to be documented

[x-puerbulla-x]

Im drainned dude

hi 10:33 18/08/2019

i need to vent my minds a mess idk, i havvent stopped in months and it has been very draining so i guess idk i didnt wannaa sounds cocky saying all the things i did but for the sake of me wanting tto le it out i will and all of this to lead uo tot he present that was me being eith my dad today and how it was, how i feel about it i guess. So it all starts back in may, 3 months ago, where i was trying to survive with my grades i had to make sure everything was gonna go smoothly in my desenho exam and then i also was starting to feel pressure cause june was coming uo and tbh june is just streeeessssfull, theres first mels birthday on 1st June and one week before we took her to the tosquia too, then theres Beas burthday but also my sobrinho santiago was born, on the 5th an then beas birthday is on the 6th, then theres the aniversary off bea and i's first date in the 16th wheere we had previously planned wed recreate to celebrate and then theres bea and i's actual birthday on the 22nd and we went to pride but i was all very hard cause idk i guess we wanted our first birthday to be good (or at least i really dis which gave it some pressure), but it happened;; we celebrated at pride cause we were lucky enouh this year it was on he 22nd, the 2 days later its my moms birthday and i usually dont do anything but this time i decided i was gnna do something and i did, i recreated her gradma's torta, clean the whole house spotless and then i recreated a card i had made for her back in '06;;; on top of all of these ne is exam seasson and i had to hardcore study for gd everyday trying to reach a unreachable goal of 67 exercises, with so much gd i ended up forgetting a litte about portugues and had to study last minute, luckly i knew what i was doing cause m aware i know pessoa pretty well so my plan was just to study the rest but i dont think i gave it enough time sinse i had an 8, the to desenho i didnt study cause cockly, i dont need to, i had a 13,4 which i wasnt happy with but thats life i guess, it wasnt woth the money tryng to ask for a revisao, well, and at gd i had a 5, when i needed a 10 cause i was aluna externa this resulted that after this hell of a month i had to suffer another one cause i neeeded to learn everything i didnt lean in 1 and a half years id gd, in les than a month so i had to stuy like a crazzy person, this time i didnt have to do 67 exercices it was a lot less but still i couldnt do it and i did as much as i could and more i broke down 10000 billion time ad i thought i couldnt do it i didnt fee prepared and tbh i was terrafied cause if i faied this exam i didnt have my 12th grade done and it as a pain in the ass to think about but still after madess of stdying gd all day and until 5 am i did it only with a 11;;; but i didd  it then that hell of a month ended and we get to this present moth but before that had sams birthday coming up and i wanted to surprise him with a cake cause bea and i had offered him cookie cake not knowing he was vegan now and it was dissapointing when we were like ,,, so you cant have it? cause we didnt know we wasnt jus veegetarian anymore blah blah blah, i had to do preaparations for his birthday and it was stressful, i wanted it to be good, the the day after we celebrate sams birthday im still not able to sit and relax a little cause its 2nd august and bea and i are going to veiros, dont get me wrong i was the one deciding to go but god i was tiring, i had more fun than last time i was there but theere wasa lot more stress too cause renataa was trying to cionvince us to go to university the whole time and it was a pain tbh cause i didnt know what to do but i ha a slight ide that i did wanna go bt then the problem was that because of that they ere all using me as an eexample to convince bea and i felt pressure to be like yeah im absolutely for sure going;;; at the end of the say i didd decide i wanted to go but then i was more stressed cause the dates were ending an i didnt havee my passe for dges cause there was a problem with it and my fcha enes was stuck to cause apparently you had to do thing in the secretaria to pik it up so i emailed the help line of dges for the password and asked my mom to go to school to ick up my ficha and ii did manage to have the pass in time but then the lady lied about the time the secretaria was open apparently cause when lena and my mom went there it was closed and i gess that meant that steess was over but id didnt manage to do the cadidatura in the 1st fase,;;;; which later on i found out i couldnt even do in the first place cause people with exams in the 2nd fase cant do the candidatura in the 1st fase soyahhhh unnecesary stess and now i need to wait until 9th september to do my candidatura and pray im accepted indesenho or pintura cause i do not want escultura as a everyday thing or at least i dont think i do ~ so;;; were n veiros also therees tension in the air cause tia tania an vo rosa are mad at each other, we did a lit of things everyday ehch made it less boring but i was so tired already that doing so much stuff wasnt my favourite at times now we came back 4 days ago but i still havent stoped and im tiredddddd, i think i only stayed 1 day home and it was to clean, we arrived in the 12, i slept in beas house and stayed ther the 13th, then i was home on the 14th, then there was the attempt to go to school take care of the ficha and it as closed but then spent the day with david and sof and bee, then my brother invited me to go meet santiag and then i actually went to school again and go stuff done and then the day arrived and i spent the day with andre and the baby, a friend, lena and rafaela, and her mom too for a bit (she was nice). all pf this leading up for today and this week, today i met with my dad just outside my house, he had miriam and pff idk he was having a talk to me cause we walked shiro and he was just saying o ho mirriam remind him of me and how were very alike and idk what to think of that, he said or drawings are the same and that she has my feitio, asked me to go to his place some day and all and idk it was confusing, he made me remember memories i was repressing, good ones but idk if itss good for me to remember those things, he reminded me of when i used hus bike and surprised him cause i was sall and he used to be on a bike aand id always ask like you could let me use it and etc etc and he was like come on mariana podes la tua andar com a bicicleta do pai its too big and all that and i told hm i couldnt go on it alone cause it was to tall but if he put me up there i could ride it and he did probably just to shit me up and i rode it to the end of the street did a cirve and got back and he was choked and all of this cause he said he really wanted miriam to learn too. he compared me a lot to her and talked about ho he still has lots of my stuff;;;;;;; i complainted about my doctor octopus;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; i guess it was to avoi talking about the situation with lena but he did meantion her at all ot as little as possible and it was weird cause that made it so that the way it was talking it was like i was his only daugther or that lena was never there which made me wonder about things idk i guess i never realised to what degreee i was ay closer to my dad than lena, its no surprisse we always knew lena got the looks of his side of the family but i got the personalty thats why me and andre get along so well (also andres sun is my moon cough) im pretty sure me seeing my dad makes my mom sad too, understandably so i dont plan to do it often, not everyone can be happy in this story and its definitely not my mom going to be the one thats not happy, i own her everything i ever had and tbh i only acceot the times i do see my dad out of ity and guilt and cause admiditely i do miss and crave having a dad idk i guess i never had one for real but id like to, but it doesnt sound very realitic so im not too expectant i dont believe i is ever going to happen i hope days fro here forward are a little more chill although i doubt that, at least for a week or so, maybe a few days if im lucky but today im meeting bea and sleeping there se if thats a bit relaxing, then tomorrow im supposed to go soewhwere with david and sof and then the day after with david, sof and sam so yah know, a bit busy i wanted to pint and to draw do thins in my sketchbook cause there hasnt been much time ffor that or cabeça i guess and knoowing myself i feel like that might work on making me a little better before the mess starts again cause of the candidaturas in like 2 weeks

anyway

12:46 18/08/2019 bye

[x-puerbulla-x]

The aftermath

So this should be a possitive post again but idk about that cause I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend on the day we went to the garden cause I started to doubt if that was really what I wanted.

Tbh im not one to really think about decisions like this a lot, im very impulsive but fsr commitment gets me very indecisive over what I want.

So there was two reasons why I didn't do it 1st my plan wasn't going to be perfectly the same as I planned it cause part of it was to kiss her cause she hadn't kissed anyone before and I thought that would be a pretty good first time story for her but, again, cause Im impulsive as fuck I ended up kissing her a lot of times before the day of going to the garden

The second reason why I didn't do it as I said was because of doubt, not only the normal " do I want to commit" and stuff also cause when I was thinking one day I realized that if im so self destructive and depressive then being with me could be super draining and horrible for her mental health and I didn't want to make her suffer because of me so I didn't ask it

But the tables turned and in the 22nd June I asked her to be my girlfriend, once again, out of impulsiveness but I actually knew I wanted it, she said yes and rn in dating a beautiful, caring, talented, Amazing girl called B.

The problem is that I still feel like I might ruin her or break her heart and im really controling and territorial and idk im scared that one day I became the toxic ex-boyfriend™ so im trying to be more kind and not so tough and rude, to show love and to be more possitive and to consider peoples feeling more and give her space

(Also I thought that being in a relationship should reduce how numb I feel but it's the same, maybe even worse, which is worring me quite a bit)

Let's see where this goes

[x-puerbulla-x]

Mixed feelings

So... A while ago shit went down. I haven't talked about this here idk why but (omfg I cant believe I'm writing this) me and my "friend" have been getting closer (?!?!?) But the other day shit went down cause i always felt like I wasn't in control with this situation and in got to the conclusion that it was because we don't have any labels.

It was pretty late and I was "drunk" so i talked to her and i basically told her I was so tired of this cause she never gets my signs I'm basically saying I love her sometimes and she doesn't understand so she says she doesn't know what I feel about her so I had a breakdown while texting her cause I wasn't feeling in control and now telling her all of that made me feel even more vulnerable and with even less control so I was freaking out....

Basically we didn't talk about it and now it's like it never happened and things with her are going great (?) We've been getting closer for 4 weeks now which I believe to be too long but anyways.

I have her a little jokey coupon pack were she can ask for like 5 kisses on the cheek, holding hands etc (I'm romantic ;) lol) and one of them is a 1 date and the other is a whatever I want coupon so... My plan is to wait until she uses the date coupon, take her to a nice garden I know that's really pretty and then I can be like oh were I made another coupon and then give it to her and it says something like " coupon for: 1 please be my girlfriend?" And if she says yes I can use my whatever I want coupon to ask to kiss her, if she says no... I'm fucked cause I didn't think about it

So yah that was a more optimistic entry, more happy me the only problem is that now I'll probably only remember to write again once I do what I said and then it can either go very well and I'll write the most joyful entry ever or everything goes wrong and I write the worst entry ever

Bye

[x-puerbulla-x]

I

So... This may sound weird, I literally don't know why ive created bubble boy (I named this blog after him being puer=boy and bulla=bubble, its in Latin) , but he exists for such a long time and I didn't ever talk about it with anyone. In summary; bubble boy is like a persona that I created years ago and idk if I should call him a persona because, I am bubble boy, its a whole like thing based around me and i know it sounds narcissistic but if I explain it in better detail it become more depressing then I'd imagine.