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August 5, 2024

I am logged into my journal again...I have a house, I have had it for a year. I thrived in my job this school year, 95% of students passed the exam to earn college credit, my relationship is thriving, I have an international trip planned, and there has even been the most wonderful "surprise" discussed to occur... I need to sit down, as usual, I need to get back into my journalling routine--maybe I will complete the exercise my *wonderful* therapist suggeested!

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Saturday, November 4, 2023

Ugh I've been meaning to journal when I feel some type of way...

Babe, I cannot believe. A car?? You have a car, and you have a house....It's definitely extremely complex...because honestly, you are that girl. I mean I remember, there have been times where you had stuff, where you were blessed, and thank the Lord for those..that's what this is giving. But honestly, you always knew work. And work is what you're knowing now...like it's good to have opportunities, its beautiful, there's nothing more amazing. And it's important that I balance my gratitude with discipline. Babe, you are doing SO MUCH right now! You're doing okay. You're really seeing that "amazing at one thing while garbage someplace else" HEAVY...butt it is balanced, which is good. UGh, girl your relationship. It's honestly getting crazy. It's also interesting to see how the car changes things. At the end of the day, cmon, it's clear this man is open to providing for you. There's these nuances and technicalities screwing with things now. Like, okay you don't have as many resources right now to be as giving back as you'd like....okay ya he's pushing himself in ways where he may not have as much resources as he would like to...it's interesting it's like we're both in this crazy building mode. It's like we're literally building a rocket together. This must sort've be what the movies are like. During the montages. The montages go so fast, and its life it's not that fast. In life, the lows are not brief seconds that pass us by. In life, the highs are flashes of wonder that feel unimaginable. But honestly, for me, it's a flash. It felt beautiful driving down the road, driving in MY car. But I had to drive to my responsibilities. I was problem-solving and writing to-do lists. But I also picked up some candies, and a crystal heart to put on my bookshelf.

That is a wonder. Looking at the Chrystal heart it is truly GORGEOUS. It's gorgeous and I picked it up because I had the flexibility now...I mean, the wrong name was on it when I was there, so I had to leave, but I WENT--And my love drove me there to grab it with the correct name!

Ught, my love. We've been fighting all week! It's wonderful that we got to talk today...in the car, about our feelings. I get so frustrated, I get so down, and then he pays for my car to be fixed..it's crazy because he did set a boundary explaining the car is my responsibility...but he built me an office, hes helping with my car, he is unreal...It's loaded as he does want things, and want more. And I do try, and I am overwhelmed. That's what I was getting at earlier. It's like we're building a rocket, but one day we will blast into the stars. I feel like I'm grinding for what is to COME. I feel like it will always be work but it will change. I feel like this evolution could catapult things. It's big, ya know!

Ugh, we all know I need to journal more...I haven't been journalling all year fr with all the grinding...I really pray these days, that these times will lead to my retirement. I really pray that this SWEAT, this WORK, will lead to mornings filled with activity, laughter, and learning. I hope it leads into a beautiful home to build together, that I will continue to grow humble, and balanced, and working--in order to develop into the woman that I will need to be for that season. That I will wake up early, and I will have a late nightt, putting in the hours, and thinking, about intentionally building my family, about having and creatinig experiences, about connection. Lord, I am freedom dreaming once again this is on my heart. So many other dreams, have been on my heart. I've been in my dreams, in my apartment, in my baddie, cute girl era, I have seen what the Lord has had in store for me, and I see it again. I feel it in my heart God, the day when resources are plentiful, and cycling, doubling, and compounding. When generosity and love can be the focus, and I begin to look at others and remember my journey--I have seen it Lord, I have had it on my heart, I have seen it and wanted it, I have prayed it, and journaled it, and then WATCHED it Lord. I am struggling, but I KNOW dreams exist. I know DREAMS come true. I know YOU are in control. What is on my heart is because of you, what is my next move is because of you as I am created in YOUR vision Father God.

Lord, I am tired, I am a bit lunchy, and I may need some rest..some rest for an early morning. So much is transpiring, but here we are...all day long.

Love Absolutely, and Always XoXo C

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Today is the day that the Lord has made; August 25, 2023–YOU, my love, are a homeowner.

Keep taking care of yourself babygirl.

XoXo,

C.

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August 23, 2023 *pt 2*

In my other post I do not mean to fixate. I do mean though….that events continue to happen, and things do work out.

My goal is to STOP trying to control outside forces and outside events. It’s time to begin controlling my wellness. It is time to control my meals, and my level of movement. It is time to control the resources afforded to me.

I cannot control the actions of others, I cannot control the decisions of others.

It is time that I simply do my best to ensure that I am okay. I must do my best. Put my cell phone charger in my bag. Keep a water bottle with me and have consistent, ideally simple foods for lunch. That is a start and I know those things are life changing.

I must focus all my attention, my action, on myself. I must work toward feeling my best, being, performing at my best. With clear effort, I can do it.

XoXo,

C.

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August 23, 2023.

It is all happening at the same time..it is ALL happening. I’m cleared to close THIS week. I went into the building at my next job…I was sitting on my phone, scrolling as usual….it’s clear that something has to give. I’m glad I picked up, and saw scrolling is not saving me. I am freaking out quite a bit, stressed…I need the lessons!

So, I need to make sure that I can meet up with my friend, ASAP—maybe this weekend? To GET the lessons I need!!

I need to get things together—I need to find a phone charger to keep in my work bag, I need to choose my water bottle to KEEP at work, so I stay hydrated. Ugh, I saved the Mini Fridge AND Microwave, ugh I should— I won’t do it yet. But it must be soon!

Honestly before the fridge I need an air purifier. My allergies are OFF the chain! HA. I will have an air purifier as well! Lessons are priority #1, then air purifier/allergy medicine THEN Room amenities!

I’ll keep my main Keurig at home for the AirBNB….but I will have another coffee maker— I need to choose which type. It’s clear to me, that I will be busy in this building. I want to be busy to end the “dead time” in my life.

WIth ending dead time it is a MUST that I am also productive. After closing I must grab some things to set up consistent lunches to bring to and from work. I need to confirm my methods of transportation—and the LESSONS.

I need to find self soothing methods—its very easy to find new things to stress about. It is not healthy and it is not sustainable. I MUST calm down, cool out, and trust God.

I haven’t journaled in such a long time…so many beautiful things are happening. I have a room all to myself, I am in the #1 school in the entire district. And slowly but surely my things will come together. I WILL get the lessons. I will put in the work. I WILL SUCCEED.

I will calm down, continue my prayer, I will continue journaling after I finish this conversation with my mom…

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And heartbreakingly, at 10:22PM, a thought is in my mind…..that I could pack my apartment up, and simply end it. I could pack my apartment, and commit suicide.

It’s horrible to think, I was just watching a video about a celebrity traveling to Africa, sharing the wonderful experience, sharing the atrocities our ancestors have gone through—for us to be here today.

Perspective is everything, and I’m not sure if I’m simply blasphemous now, but honestly——is it simply biology, and chance (God) that I’m here as well? I try to tell myself, be thankful. Be thankful to have a boyfriend who would allow you to stay with you while you’re working through this, but honestly, I don’t believe that. I don’t feel that’s what I have. I am so afraid. I’m so afraid to no longer have an apartment, and to be with a man who requires I work, I cook breakfast, I make dinner, who tells me not to tire myself out but silently resents if I do not do things. I’m afraid of living every day in the anxiety of am I doing enough? Of trying to race with each other to see who does things first.

I don’t want to be stuck in the renters rat race. Things just are not lining up. It makes me feel that suicide is best. My God, if I stay with that man just to feel not only anxious but TRAPPED. I am so afraid, I don’t want to experience that.

I am so afraid of committing suicide. I am so afraid, I hate how I feel.

I had to be sure to get these thoughts out. 10:27PM

C

June 15, 2023

I do not want to ruin my life.

I appreciate my attorney's advice, and of course, she's the expert. It would be best not to continue "pouring money" into this house without being clear.

The house did not appraise. This means I would have to give 15k...

There is so much on my mind and on my heart. I do not feel good living with my boyfriend. I do not want to live with a man who is unsure of me. I do not feel comfortable with his perspective of me. He's unsure, he has questions, and he.....I cannot focus on him. I wrote at the top of my journal, Why do I want to be married? It's an important question for me to reflect on.

Unfortunately, I know a big part of this is not wanting to spend time in "limbo" which in some ways is what my relationship feels like. I also don't feel good...I don't want to spend my birthday with him (again) I don't feel confident in his ability to make me feel special. Unfortunately, I just suspect that because of his view of me, as selfish, and not giving enough, makes him unable to give to me. Some of it can also be our differences, he may not see gifts in the same way. But I do feel that he used to be giving, and he's not anymore. Like--he's not thinking to do anything special for me, and also...his financial situation is very particular at the moment.

If I'm honest in so many ways my twenty-fifth year has been Hell. I pushed myself so hard, to do so many things. And I have done so many things. I'm proud to have a driver's license, a teaching license, and a new, higher-paying job, and I know that I will be proud to own a house too.

Even closing on a house where. I pull money out of my pocket and am left with barely any savings, I will be proud. It's crazy, these accomplishments, do not fill me up. These accomplishments do not make me whole. Yes, I grow, and I learn, but they do not make me love myself. I've pushed myself in such a big way, and I have not been taking care of myself as much as I intend to.

I remember talking to my friend once, I said the to-do list never stops growing. It's true. I genuinely feel that, when I get my house, I will focus on myself. I know for sure, I'll have to stay in my house most of the time. I want to journal, I want to pray, and I will invest in therapy (may have to put off French class) but therapy is a NEED.

I would rather deplete my house with these savings. I truly have faith that the money can come back. I have to believe I can get reliable enough tenants, who will pay their share. My alternative is spending A LOT on rent. If I don't move forward with the house I keep renting? Continuing to rent does not feel like an option. I love my apartment, I love all it's done for me, and I will miss it, but I have to move on.

I have to remember that refusing to continue renting is not ruining my life. My boyfriend thinks living together would be a good "test" he told his mom we'd see how it is, to "test" how we feel for each other. I am not a test. And he would view living together as a test. I do not want to ruin my life by leaving my apartment. My house still feels complete up in the air "there are aspects of real estate that nobody controls" and it's so easy to Would've, Should've, Could've--but if only I had more comfort zones in life. I was dealt my hand in life, and I could never pretend that the blessings and favor were not abundant,

Realistically my options look like:

-I move out of my apartment, save. the $$ living with my boyfriend, and soldier through this process for two months max, ending with much smaller savings and closing on my house. I will stress about my tenants, I will RUSH & JUGGLE to get things in order for tenants, and AirBnB (ASAP)--it may help move things along, and I'll PRAY by the time I'm in front of students, I'd be stable

I would still need to talk with my boyfriend about dividing money while living together.

-I move out of my apartment, save the $$ living with my boyfriend, shit hits the fan, it's weird and confusing, and I SOB because the deal dies. I pray gratitude that my deposit is returned, so my savings are still intact. I keep saving... I can talk with my boyfriend about how we'd have to divide $, I'd still be saving without rent, utility, and wifi Bills. I'd have to talk with myself--I cannot be a test. Do I requalify with this program in September? When do I decide to leave his home?

Either I close on the house, or I do not close on the house. But if I'm honest, the house is so perfect. I really feel in my heart that it's meant to be mine. I'm not compromising on anything with this house. My only compromise is sacrificing a big piece of my savings...

There are still negotiations, and I still have professionals working. on this. I'm overwhelmed, with all the shit going on, I am overwhelmed. I have so much shit I have to do, and yet, I feel very depressed. I'm not really able to do anything, not able to be productive...

I have never overwhelmed myself like this before in my life. But I know that I always work, I always do things. And at the end. of the day, a lot of these things, I lot of these requirements have a time clock on them...the time will pass either way.

There is a lot going on. When there's more information I'll be able to update. In 12 days, I will be 26 years old.

XoXo, C.

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June 15, 2023

I do not want to ruin my life.

I appreciate my attorney's advice, and of course, she's the expert. It would be best not to continue "pouring money" into this house without being clear.

The house did not appraise. This means I would have to give 15k...

There is so much on my mind and on my heart. I do not feel good living with my boyfriend. I do not want to live with a man who is unsure of me. I do not feel comfortable with his perspective of me. He's unsure, he has questions, and he.....I cannot focus on him. I wrote at the top of my journal, Why do I want to be married? It's an important question for me to reflect on.

Unfortunately, I know a big part of this is not wanting to spend time in "limbo" which in some ways is what my relationship feels like. I also don't feel good...I don't want to spend my birthday with him (again) I don't feel confident in his ability to make me feel special. Unfortunately, I just suspect that because of his view of me, as selfish, and not giving enough, makes him unable to give to me. Some of it can also be our differences, he may not see gifts in the same way. But I do feel that he used to be giving, and he's not anymore. Like--he's not thinking to do anything special for me, and also...his financial situation is very particular at the moment.

If I'm honest in so many ways my twenty-fifth year has been Hell. I pushed myself so hard, to do so many things. And I have done so many things. I'm proud to have a driver's license, a teaching license, and a new, higher-paying job, and I know that I will be proud to own a house too.

Even closing on a house where. I pull money out of my pocket and am left with barely any savings, I will be proud. It's crazy, these accomplishments, do not fill me up. These accomplishments do not make me whole. Yes, I grow, and I learn, but they do not make me love myself. I've pushed myself in such a big way, and I have not been taking care of myself as much as I intend to.

I remember talking to my friend once, I said the to-do list never stops growing. It's true. I genuinely feel that, when I get my house, I will focus on myself. I know for sure, I'll have to stay in my house most of the time. I want to journal, I want to pray, and I will invest in therapy (may have to put off French class) but therapy is a NEED.

I would rather deplete my house with these savings. I truly have faith that the money can come back. I have to believe I can get reliable enough tenants, who will pay their share. My alternative is spending A LOT on rent. If I don't move forward with the house I keep renting? Continuing to rent does not feel like an option. I love my apartment, I love all it's done for me, and I will miss it, but I have to move on.

I have to remember that refusing to continue renting is not ruining my life. My boyfriend thinks living together would be a good "test" he told his mom we'd see how it is, to "test" how we feel for each other. I am not a test. And he would view living together as a test. I do not want to ruin my life by leaving my apartment. My house still feels complete up in the air "there are aspects of real estate that nobody controls" and it's so easy to Would've, Should've, Could've--but if only I had more comfort zones in life. I was dealt my hand in life, and I could never pretend that the blessings and favor were not abundant,

Realistically my options look like:

-I move out of my apartment, save. the $$ living with my boyfriend, and soldier through this process for two months max, ending with much smaller savings and closing on my house. I will stress about my tenants, I will RUSH & JUGGLE to get things in order for tenants, and AirBnB (ASAP)--it may help move things along, and I'll PRAY by the time I'm in front of students, I'd be stable

I would still need to talk with my boyfriend about dividing money while living together.

-I move out of my apartment, save the $$ living with my boyfriend, shit hits the fan, it's weird and confusing, and I SOB because the deal dies. I pray gratitude that my deposit is returned, so my savings are still intact. I keep saving... I can talk with my boyfriend about how we'd have to divide $, I'd still be saving without rent, utility, and wifi Bills. I'd have to talk with myself--I cannot be a test. Do I requalify with this program in September? When do I decide to leave his home?

Either I close on the house, or I do not close on the house. But if I'm honest, the house is so perfect. I really feel in my heart that it's meant to be mine. I'm not compromising on anything with this house. My only compromise is sacrificing a big piece of my savings...

There are still negotiations, and I still have professionals working. on this. I'm overwhelmed, with all the shit going on, I am overwhelmed. I have so much shit I have to do, and yet, I feel very depressed. I'm not really able to do anything, not able to be productive...

I have never overwhelmed myself like this before in my life. But I know that I always work, I always do things. And at the end. of the day, a lot of these things, I lot of these requirements have a time clock on them...the time will pass either way.

There is a lot going on. When there's more information I'll be able to update. In 12 days, I will be 26 years old.

XoXo, C.

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June 11, 2023

I am deeply, intimately, thoroughly sad. This sadness is becoming too much on me. More than anything, truly I wish that I did not exist. I do not want to interact with anyone. I do not want to exist. I do not want to exist. I keep looking at the eyebrow razor on my coffee table. There are so many thoughts right now. It's crazy how often I'd been fantasizing about committing suicide. Mostly, I fantasize about what I'll put in my note. I would want it to be clear that I've had these feelings forever. Since I was a small child. I was thinking in the car about how nobody understands the gravity of my situation. Of how strongly, and deeply I feel. But it's true, it wouldn't matter if they did. I do not want to exist. I am literally hurt by the interactions I have with others. Every interaction, and every choice that I make ends with me feeling sad. I want to kill myself, I do. I want to kill myself so badly. I hate that I exist. I HATE THAT I EXIST. Something has to be wrong with me. To be able to accomplish so many of the things that I want and still feel this way as deeply as I do is not right. There is something wildly wrong.

And something is happening where I feel deep pressure because of the wants, actions, and thoughts of others. This pressure is weighing on me. This pressure wouldn't exist if I did not exist. I hate the way that I feel. I hate everything that I am. Its blasphemous to feel this way, and my truth is blasphemous. At this point, I can't say what the source of these feelings are.

The house of course is adding pressure on me that I hate. My chest, my head literally aches consistently from the pressures of getting this done. The people who I have to deal with are literally horrific. Having to navigate a racist, sexist system with incompetent people is torturous.

My relationship, in my opinion, is not going well. It is possible that I'm broken inside. At this point, it does feel that I do not want to be with him anymore. Like, I just do not know how to get past those initial issues. His issues with my not being giving in our relationship. And personally, I just do not trust him. He kept those initial feelings from me, and I just do not very much trust his doing the best for my well-being. I suspect I can be wasting my youth because he does not want, what I want, from me. He may have doubts or concerns that he cannot be happy with me, and we may not move forward.

And truth be told, with all that's been on my mind I do not believe I want those things. For weeks at least, I've felt for the first time in my life that I did not want children. I've felt that I did not want to become married. After these experiences in my most recent relationship, it has felt as if something inside of me snapped. Like it's become clear that I Would always be expected to be a mule, to labor, without ease or do efficient, productive work. Like I must sacrifice myself, and my sleep, to bullshit and sexist standards while being expected to work as hard professionally. That is a life of misery.

My faith in so many things is dwindling. My faith in making my own way, my faith in putting forth effort and work, and it being worth it. I really hope that my story ends differently. I'm glad things with the house are moving along. Change is afoot either way (I'm packing up my apartment to leave) But it's clear this house is not the answer that I need. This house will not make me feel happy to exist. Those feelings come from within. A therapist can provide the tools to navigate life.

It's crazy I do not really recall ever being this depressed in the summer? I have to get my feelings out. I will try to do something about them too.

XoXo, C

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June 4, 2023

I am having a difficult time...I feel deeply upset. I'm really in a place where I am becoming unable to please. I was deeply bothered, and annoyed with the relaxed hair on my ends, and I finally cut them off, so now---I'm anxious. I'm struggling with deep feelings of anxiety. I'm anxious about what I'll do with my hair now, can I get it under a wig? It's late tonight, and that can also be part of my feelings...

I want a house so bad. I've prayed more than anything for one. As I go through this journey I feel, sad...I feel afraid. I'm afraid that I'm ruining my life. I'm afraid that I cannot do it. I have to watch more videos with that sound "she's afraid that she'll fail, I'm here to tell her, she won't"

I need to get to the bottom of these emotions. Clearly, it's not the "house" it's not the "hair" because as these things come to pass, as I take care of everything--the emotions do not leave me.

My conversation with my boyfriend.....ugh. He apologized for the statement he made, which was sexist. The issue brought up a lot of feelings. This has been a very important life lesson. I appreciate his sitting and talking with me, I do. It is something that I appreciate, and it does not, did not, solve the problem. The flaw may actually be, looking for my solution elsewhere.

What I caught from this week's call mentioned that I am responsible for my emotions and energy. It is true. My boyfriend is doing all in his power to hear me out, share honestly about his perspective, etc. BUT--I still am the sole person who can control, and improve my situation emotionally. I really do try my best, I do. I keep going through the process, I pray, I watch videos, I keep myself busy...BU--I remain inconsolably unhappy.

Even from what I shared about my fear of being unhappy in my relationship...Part of that, part of the struggle is the fact that I am consistently unhappy. I even struggle with finding the solution to these issues--I just continuously feel upset and resentful of the past. I cannot stay in this rut--I must get external help, it seems. I do, still feel, extremely unhappy.....I will be sure to pray tonight. Maybe having a snack, and getting some rest will feel better.

All things are possible through Christ. I will continue praying.

XoXo, C.

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06.03.2023

I need to post an update for posterity--I'm leaning into a consistent practice of working through, and ideally releasing & eliminating anxiety. The Transfer appeared today, it is now in motion in a timely fashion! Monday I will meet with my Mortgage Counselor, I will have more information, I will be MOVING things right along <3 XoXo, C.

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June 2, 2023-A Letter to God About My House

I am a ball of anxiety right now--and I am writing this letter to the Lord. He knows my heart, and there is so much inside of me that I must release. 

Father God, I thank you for all that I am, and for all that I have. I know that you know my heart. I pray each day to fulfill your purpose for me on this Earth. Lord as you know,  I am so very often afraid, of so many things. I continue to soldier on, through negative emotions, begrudgingly, and I thank you for each day I’ve woken up, I thank you for every new chance that I have. Lord as you know I am on the precipice of greatness. Because of this greatness that’s on it’s way to me, I am afraid. I must give my fears to you, Lord. I understand MANY of my fears come from within, from my own failings. But I must lay my fears in front of you, because Lord I know that I am not alone. You knew me when I was in my mother’s womb. Lord, you walk with me each step of the way. All greatness within me, my talents, and any great things I do is a representation of you. It’s myself reflecting yourself, and your will. I thank you for the allowing me to experience that greatness. Father God, I thank you for going on this walk with me because...I am oh so very afraid. And I know that with you, there’s no reason to fear.

Lord, I thank you for my accepted offer on my home. Father God, I thank you, that an offer was accepted on my DREAM--You KNOW my heart, and my heart is what came into my life. Lord I watched my WILDEST DREAMS come in the world, come into my life, all the glory comes to you.  Father God, a 3 family home, WITH a driveway, that’s ALSO in walking distance of the train was my DREAM. The home is renovated, it is beautiful, it is amazing.

My anxieties come from how thankful I am that it’s perfect!! Lord--I enrolled in elevate because I wanted the greatness. It’s despicable that in the second month I have not participated. I was busy, that was the month that I found my home, but I must continue participating. I am investing every month in this development. AND--I have also seen the benefits, especially while my relationship is going through phases and changes. And So, although I get anxious and upset with payment every month, I do know that elevate was a wise choice. My next step is downloading the resources to my drive so I ensure I KEEP access to EVERYTHING. It’s really amazing. I am blessed to have this opportunity.

My anxiety in elevate comes with my house. I am afraid of people looking into my records to see that large bill, ALTHOUGH IT IS PAID, MONTHLY--Lord I know that the math works, and I triple checked the math before I enrolled. I did my due diligence, and now I must trust, I must trust my effort to do the right thing, and I must trust into you! YOU knew I should be in elevate at this time! The things that have come up in my relationship has shown more than anything how necessary my membership is! 

Lord I’m anxious/afraid regarding the money transfer. It’s complex. I almost am upset with myself for not transferring sooner, but how could I know? All that I can do is let it play it’s course. The minute I confirmed the information, I called the bank, the minute I recognized an error, I corrected. I did my absolute best.

I am afraid of the Appraisal Gap--this is another instance where I TRIPLE checked the Math...I can afford it! I should have a savings left over afterward...but the fear comes with the mortgage payment. The fear comes with the brokerage fees. I MUST get tenants, ASAP. Which I can do, but the fear comes from the EXPENSES that accrue. THAT is the root of my anxiety in regards to Elevate, in regards to the Appraisal Gap. Father God, I have faith in your works, in the purpose you’ve given me..Lord the house is just perfect...so it MUST BE because it’s my house? My joining elevate RIGHT at the right time? And even my thinking--this is the only time I could do it! When I’m a home owner, I’d be less comfortable shelling out that money (the bulk was spent while renting) And I can keep the recordings forever and rewatch as needed. 

Father God, you created me to do amazing things. You put this dream in my heart for a REASON. Because it was MEANT for me, it was MEANT to be. Lord, I want to do your will, your works! Father God, I want to fulfill the dreams for the community, I am thankful to be employing so many Black professionals and hope to continue doing the same. I want to supply housing to thriving Black people, I want to provide my home an opportunity to change the trajectory for my family, my current AND future family. 

Everything is TOUCHING on PERFECT Lord. I must be honest, and there’s more on my chest. I have HIGH Anxiety regarding my performance at work. Ever since my boss was let go, I’ve been AFRAID--and it isn’t better that my attentions have been elsewhere. I am in the bottom numbers for enrollments, my dials, etc. haven’t been the best either--I am glad that next week I will be in person, to change the trajectory. The lesson in this also may be that I work more efficiently in person (still questionable) because--I also have been BUSY with SO MANY things.........so that may have hurt my efficiency too? My heart also just is NOT in it with the job, I haven’t been trusting, or comfortable, it’s definitely a transitional period, 100% But alas, It’s absolutely not over, there is still time to keep going! It’s possible that I can have a moderate end to this start! Even if I added 3 more enrollments that would be a DREAM (and bring me on par with my peers) My financial uncertainties (Initial Deposit, Appraisal, etc.) have me SHAKEN in regards to my finances. But I am seen as a solid resource. I have to ensure I am putting my BEST FOOT FORWARD in work more often, and from that, I should be green...it’s a new Month. I will KILL IT for June! I must go back to 500 call weeks! I have to GET IN THERE, to get something!

There’s uncertainty with my closing date and the move, which still needs time....BUT it will come. Lord, this house is MY HOUSE. Even if the closing date is early in July, even if I need to give the gap for appraisal. Lord I pray that I can close on the day projected. Lord, I pray the house can appraise FULLY, and I will continue doing so--but Father God, this house is PERFECT. This house is AMAZING. I am so thankful, there was a time I didn’t know that I would have a house at all, LORD?! And a beautiful, THREE family, 2 sources of rental-income, a driveway, and convenient location, cute brick outside? LORD this was my DREAMMM--and it is here in real life because it is MINE. And so I trust, I trust that your Will is coming to pass. And regardless of the specifics this house in my life, is YOUR WILL. 

Sometimes I feel AFRIAD of my dreams; my dream to own a multi-family home, my dream to seamlessly transition out, and into another role by Summer’s End, my dream to enroll in Elevate and LEVEL up my relationship. Sometimes I feel I’m dreaming to big, it’s not possible, but God with you ALL THINGS are possible. Lord I am SO Thankful for what awaits me in the Fall, and so I have some tasks to complete, and from there, I will seamlessly move into a new step, while inside of my new home. There have been times in the past where I feared failure, so I played small, and felt unhappy, unfulfilled. And there was, one time in particular, that I dreamed BIG, with AUDACITY. And I was MORTIFIED--and it all came to pass, BEAUTIFULLY. It’s funny, from that experience I was afraid, and I’d never been that scared before. Will, as you know, Lord I’ve never been as afraid as I am RIGHT NOW. I got through the fear, the uncertainty, in the past! I will get through the fear, the uncertainty NOW. I came out victorious, I came out, fulfilling your will in my life. And this time I know, I am not alone, you are with me Lord, and once again, I will be VICTORIOUS. Victory is coming out fulfilling your will. And Lord, I am! This is Your Will that I am victorious.

This house in my life is YOUR WILL. My growth, is your will. All my dreams, that I was afraid to strive for, my dreams that I hid from, or pretended I didn’t want, but quietly kept striving toward is all in your divine plan, Lord. I intend to keep going. And I thank you. Through the stress, the sadness, I thank you for being God and for allowing me to be ME. 

Father God I thank you for all that I am and for all that I have. The days will pass, the way you created it, and with time, more answers will be given. As time passes, answers will come, and I will be able to make my next move. 

I thank you for all that I am Father God. XoXo, C.

[x-rambles]

May 12, 2023

I was once again made victorious in my battle with test anxiety—Certified in TWO states for my profession.

THIS TIME, I did not conquer the exam. But I positioned myself to fight head on. I set up to FACE this Exam head on! I had to stop hiding, I was prepared to fight for what I needed to!

And thank God, I didn’t even need to fight.

Love, some AWESOME things have been going on ❤️ we really have to catch up soon! Things are happening FAST, and blessings are happening!

I love you. I love you with all that I am.

XoXo,

C

[x-rambles]

Audacity-April 17, 2023

I need a moment to journal, with audacity for a moment. I remember doing this activity when I was apartment hunting. I am currently doing the work, to set myself up for amazing things.

I am working toward a higher salary, with lesser living costs, and higher joy. I am doing work to improve my romantic relationship, to move myself to become in gut-level love, and to move myself to marriage. I am planning for a schedule, in my field, that I love, with a shorter workday, and shorter workdays throughout the year. I am working toward minimizing my cost of living, and developing the foundation for passive income. Once I complete my coaching course, I will have the funds to save and maintain a car.

Babygirl, I will step out of my beautiful home, step into my car, drive to work, drive to Target after work, drive to my fianceès house, to spend time with him. Baby I will have the option to drive to different grocery stores as needed, I may begin shopping at Aldi's again.

Baby you will live in a small apartment in home ownership, then move to Airbnb one bedroom, then your ENTIRE unit while living with your fianceè. Babygirl please CLAIM the greatness. Although there is pain at this moment, there is a difficulty, there is stress, there is anxiety, PLEASE take the moment to remember WHAT this is all for, and to DREAM. Baby remember to DREAM. YOU ARE WORKING TO LIVE YOUR DREAM.

You are PUSHING yourself through this home-buying process to offset your cost of living, AND to make a generational difference. So you will have income while staying home with your babies.

You are FACING your fears with yet another job to step into a CAREER CHANGING position in INDUSTRY LEADING places. You are PAYING every month to participate in a program that will ensure you GROW inside, and your romance, your marriage, is that much stronger.

The finances you're sacrificing monthly is also a lesson in how far you can go--As you develop more streams of income (your current side hustle, your negotiation for a higher salary) ON TOP of reflecting on INTENTIONAL spending habits monthly, to make room for what's to come! To make room for your home savings account, your car savings account, and your car insurance.

BABY GIRL--In MONTHS' time, you will be working a shorter day, teaching content you love to bright and engaged students, you will be home-owning, offsetting costs, and incorporating MORE space for even more income. You will continue doing the work, to become a WIFE, in a loving marriage that allows you to continue growing.

The pain here, is necessary, for the next level. Once you have this job, you will breathe. Once you have this house, you will BREATHE. Your tenants will contribute to housing costs, and you will begin another journey, from a place of more ease. You are growing your network to ensure peace, ease, and happiness.

By the time 2024 rolls around, you will be a new girl. The most important thing is...You will be the SAME Girl, in a better, THRIVING position--You're ALREADY that girl. By being the girl who got Qualified, by being the girl who is paying for these courses AND IMPLEMENTING THE WORK, by being the girl who is pushing herself, to job search, work a side hustle, work a full-time job, YOU ARE HER.

The circumstance will look different SOON--less clawing your way, more maintaining. Baby you are doing this for a reason, for things that you can't really imagine right now. Remember to DREAM. As you're working hard, KEEP DREAMING.

XoXo, C.

[x-rambles]

Gratitude for the Glory

I have Job Offers at schools that are INDUSTRY Leaders, the #1 Private School in the state, and the #1 Magnet School in the Largest district in the state want ME to join their school community. School Districts are hearing and agreeing to my requirements.

I am extremely & thoroughly thankful. To God be the Glory. Always. XoXo, C.

[x-rambles]

More thoughts from earlier's Journal

Unfortunately, I don't feel materially safe with S. It's clear that he wouldn't abuse me, and I don't even think emotionally (although that has raised some concerns recently) At this time, I feel best doing things by myself. When needing, and accepting help, especially when events like the end of this week happen, it causes me to want to stay away. It causes me not to want to receive any help as I fear that I'm doing "too much" or he'll feel depleted, or, something else!

Hopefully continuing the modules from my coaching program before can help me understand how to navigate this in a positive way. For example, I appreciate he'd reached out to me, but it's a bit frustrating because I have nothing to say. I don't want to seem like a villain, because of my actions, or my lack of anything to say. I try not to project my fears, and remain authentic in how I feel, because I'm not trying to be mean, I know my intentions are pure and clear.

His constant waning to push his ideas does have me concerned that he'll judge me, or the possibility of me losing myself in an attempt to appease him. This is part of why I said before that he should be with someone of his culture. Because--he has these clear ideas that he wants to push, and I"m expected to fall within that. That is despicable. And the worst part is, all that can happen (which did happen) is I made him aware of this, made him aware of how it made me feel, and he said he's taking notice and wants to do something about it. He reached out and wanted to figure out how we can work toward things as a team.

That may be the healthy, adult-y thing because we are two people in this relationship and we must work together toward it's success. But truly, I do feel like the victim in this circumstance. Like he needs to do something because he's wronged me. That's untrue--I have to do some inner work to recoup from my current stressful circumstance THEN do the work to investigate my part in this dynamic, why/how I'm part of this type of circumstance.

It's important that I mostly rely on my own material reliability and safety. To do that, I need to have more control. I need to do things in my own way. In my own environment, when I'm in control, so I can receive anything he does as extra, and be glad for it.

THIS is why going back home was. wonderful idea. Being back home, back in my own routine, where I am in 100% control can help provide the reliability, the stability that I resented S for not having--I will be able to give it to myself. From there, I'll have to see where/how to also help my other emotions with all my feelings. I'm hoping that I can see all my goals through, and hopefully reliability, comfort within myself can help me continue to do so.

I'm gad that I shared these thoughts, leaning inward, relying on myself should be a beneficial tactic to get through. Will continue trying.

XoXo, C.

[x-rambles]

04.15.2023 @ 12:44PM

Unfortunately, I am simply not in a good place.

I stormed out of S's car and didn't allow him to help me with my bags. If I'm frank, I didn't let him help me because it's quicker for me to go by myself. I agree to allow him to help me, because speed isn't always the most important, and it makes us both feel good--which today, wasn't the case, nor necessary for me.

I am struggling with everything that I have going on. I'm glad that although my job search has been tiring, it has been positive. I am thankful for my success with job offers, and salary negotiation. This most recent job interview though, although it seems it was successful, has brought things.......DOWN for my relationship. The most recent application was S's idea, and he agreed to help me get to and from the job if I worked there, which also meant my interview, in my opinion.

We got to a place, where it became clear that arrangements for the interview were a misunderstanding. S was also helping me with transporting to and from viewing houses. Viewing houses is not only physically, a bit tiring, but it feels overwhelming because I have to talk to and listen to so many people, and the presenting offers situation is quite overwhelming. I am searching for houses, going through a job search, and enrolled in a coaching course that requires I pay over $900/mo for the next 5 months. I feel stupid. WHY would I be doing all these things? Truly, I want to give up, I do not want to keep doing any of these things. I feel anxious right now about going to see my parents, paying for the train, paying for groceries, and paying for the trip I agreed to do for Memorial Weekend next month..My laptop right now is acting slow, and messy, because it is around 6 years old, and I feel anxious. I feel anxious about everything, and I feel burnt out. I have to take my exam for the job I'll most likely accept next year...It's so important that I continue having faith in myself, and my abilities. It is easier to judge myself, easier to regret my choices, but I am here, things do have to change, so...I should keep pushing on

I had to leave S's house because I was too angry about how he was making me feel, how being there was making me feel, I had negative experiences being there and I needed to make a change. I wanted to be able to live my own life which meant that I had to go home. I am tired of hearing his opinions about things, and having to deal with those opinions while still figuring things out independently. I should use this time, to live slowly, and really do my best, on my own. I often move very strategically, I think about 1 million things, which is how things work out for me, but it is also part of how I become so overwhelmed.

I just cannot understand why he provides so many opinions, without providing resources, or actions to help. If you are not going to help, HOW can you have a thought or perspective? It has nothing to do with you. It began to feel triggering, making me think of the ways I've heard that behavior is common culturally, and I've experienced it myself, I began fearing that I'd have to experience that, that it would become my life.

I do not want to deal with that. I do not necessarily, want to be on my own about everything either. Maybe I would love to have the support--but it became overwhelmingly clear for example, when he suggested I take the job, that he would help me, he was also communicating that I should accept if he cannot do so, and go with the flow because that's the nature of life. But that is not what I want, not at all. He shared that the way things are now is exactly how it would be in marriage in regard to his actions, and since that, I've thought about so many things. Would I be okay with these things in marriage, is this what I want? But once again, unfortunately, I have too many things going on. I cannot be made to think about or figure out my thoughts or stance on that either. At this time, I deserve to simply focus on myself. I deserve to honestly, almost live as if I was single, for at least a couple of weeks because there is too much. Live as if I were single meaning not requiring my actions to include 2 schedules, not taking into account the tiredness, or bandwidth of 2 people, and not having to be intentional in my communication, or my strategy for moving forward. There's too much without having to navigate how he may be feeling, or what'll be best for our dynamic...

Transparently, I am not in a good place. I am overwhelmed with all of my goals. I am anxious financially--partially also connected to all of my goals. I am feeling suicidal once again. It may. be my feeling overwhelmed. I may simply need to be able to slow down.

I will keep trying, because. I really, do not know...I do not know, but will keep trying my best, and keep hoping for the best, I'll keep praying. I'm truly hoping this can all end soon.

XoXo, C.

[x-rambles]

03.29.2023

I am journalling to relieve some of the internal pressure that I'm feeling...This is a huge moment of transition for me. Fighting for what I deserve is a lot. In order for me to #LevelUp it's time for me to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Turning down job offers that do not align with me. Firing Realtors that are not doing what I need them to do. NOW is the time. It is scary, it feels painful (literally, internally it hurts) but I MUST.

I must keep moving toward my best interests, regardless. I also have to be sure that I am taking care of myself, going easy on myself. This feels like PRESSURE. Pressure has been a key word for me lately that has been insane.

With that said, I am thankful for the growth. I'm thankful to identify that it is time for me to expect more. It is time for me to hold others accountable. It's time to return to my roots in welcoming GOODBYES. When things aren't aligned, when I am not feeling poured into, or supported, it's time to say goodbye. I must have a growth mindset, and abundance mindset. I am wonderfully and fearfully made. Everything is happening in my favor. There's no reason to hold on to connections, opportunities, or potential for things that are not serving me. Holding onto what doesn't fit is simply holding me back.

The time for holding myself to a code of standard that I am not receiving is OVER. Having been socialized to accept trash is HORRIBLE, but....I must keep pushing. I deserve so much more. I will keep going, until I'm finally able to get it.

No Weapon Formed Against You Shall Prosper, Declares the Lord and any Tongue that rises against you shall be condemned. I'm nervous, I'm anxious, but I will continue believing, I will keep going the course. Time will tell what's next! XoXo, C