x-rambles

[x-rambles]

FULL Reflections on Africa Trip: in Real time

12/22/2024

Morocco was a wonderful trip! I am extremely thankful that my first connecting flight was so comfortable! When I got off the plane I didn’t particularly notice anything different. It was about 70 degrees, there were palm trees, and I did sortve notice the dust. But it felt like traveling to other places!! Our culture is everywhere. So many track suits and sneakers, sagging, matching sets. I was told the world looks to the US, it’s one as the super power….which has been very clear yo me on this trip. I’ve been stared at, A LOT. Sometimes it’s hard to be cute 🤷🏽‍♀️ day one in Morocco has been great! I love the new flip flops I got! I love the laughs I got from the airport employee sourcing a plug for me at a lower price. This will be a memorable trip, for sure!

12/23/2024

The days are truly blending together…BUT the experience w the airport was interesting! They shook us down for 40$ to get on the plane w heavy luggage….tbh those experiences don’t TRULY matter—we already knew it was a lie how the Arabs try to separate themselves so hard….but, the nature of struggle is in fact different. Even in the US people aren’t committing serious crimes for $40 unless they’re on drugs…$40 USD= $400 (their [Morocco] money) $1 USD= $509 their (Benin) money….i do think I was Ruth regarding the level of danger though, but it is only day one.

I’ll have to continue journaling after visiting the Door of No Return

12/24/2024

To visit the beach on Christmas Eve, who would’ve thought…today I touched the Atlantic Ocean from the other side, the side from whence my Ancestors once left, I returned…it is a magical endeavor. Still on the way to see the Door of No Return, among other notable sights. I will have to update on those later. It was magnificent to see the ocean, it always is!! To hear the work songs, to touch the Atlantic from the other side, it did not feel how I expected. I didn’t know what to expect but in the moment, I saw the beauty and felt the significance of my surroundings…for God’s creation, and the history of it all. I had the opportunity, to witness a history that has lived inside of me, a history that I studied, but I SAW a piece of it I’ve never seen before…

The Door of No Return was not what I expected…truly there is a difference between reading about something in books and seeing it in the flesh. I smelled the same ocean, saw the same tree, walked the sand path toward the ocean….I cannot believe. All my ancestors survived, and all they did. Even the ancient Africans of Dahomey, to rise up, to end the slave trade for 11 years. The conflict with ruling class, the shared histories, the connected blood. I am so glad to have been able to return, for them. I am so glad to have been able to return, for me. My politic remains the same…we are worlds apart, some may say an Ocean apart from Africans. But the human story of society, the fight with the ruling class, there is so much to be taught, so much to learn. I’ve been reflecting on the racist lie that Black people don’t like/aren’t meant for the water…and the ways the slave trade did bring many who were never around the water to the coasts….Black Americans are man made, by the atrocities, but we are God made, by our resilience and our magic, our essence. We are here, we survive, always. I will keep learning, and importantly, I will keep teaching.

12/26/2024

I need to stay consistent in my journal. Today I’ve been so tired lately, ugh and my stomach feels so full, I could be struggling to process the doors yesterday was nice, there was a lot of food…it was nice driving around to see Abomey and Goho…to see the palaces and the statue of Behanzin. I ran across a Kingdom Hall and a Jazz Club, which was very interesting...I am beginning to feel overwhelmed w the heat, and the t feeling from the food….it was so interesting yesterday hearing about PaPa’s experiences in the past under the dictatorship govt, fighting against as a child, literally…

12/27/2024

I’m doing a bit better, the business of vacation blows mine at times but I am glad to be feeling better, and doing well. When I tell you, the diaspora war discussion is so dead. From here on out I am simply blocking, and keeping it pushing. Nothing can ever make me care about what any 🤡 have to say. I am wishing them all the necessary therapy to lock in on themselves, and each other rather than speaking on what’s clearly not their business. Seeing the state of some of these environments is unbelievable. It is utterly unbelievable. And witnessing how these people are abandoning their own nations but talking down on us?? If I ever have to respond that is truly my only question, ever. What are you contributing to your country?? I don’t want to be arrogant, and I don’t want to think I am better than anybody, but it is clear their struggles are deep. THEY are actually the victims of the slave trade, look at their lives….they have to pump the water…asking for $$ from strangers, they….basic access is just not available. I have no words, nor any thought for war with anybody whose people are still starving to eat. It’s clear the western Africans are who’s so eager to participate and yet, they’ve been abandoning their homes, lost hope to even attempt to contribute to improvement. The Lord is with them in this fight. I am proud of my heritage, and most importantly I am proud of my ancestors and of myself for all that we do day in and day out to celebrate ourselves and keep spreading our light through the world. These are my reflections after the bumpiest ride of my life through rural Benin, past villages..the cities do not have street signs, the homes do not have addresses, the nation does not have a mail system. They must not speak. They must pray, and figure out what’s best for them. I wonder how their brethren feel watching those who got out, use western resources, not to help their people, but to spread bullshit about other groups of people. These are my final statements on the matter. The diaspora conversation is dead. It is only time to love us.

—-

Exhibit A; the police stopped us to ask for $$, yet not ten minutes walk away people are stuck in the road, like 5 vehicles, they’re not responding tot hat, just asking for $$ from business owners in the area 💔

12/29/2024

Today is my last full day, so wild. I need to note that all of my dreams here have been extremely eventful. Even today, like tv show level eventful, t to feel rested, at first I thought family circumstances remained in my mind..but now it is still a very good question. Our current room is extremely comfortable but felt difficult to sleep, not sure what this means or why it has been consistent, basically nightly lol

Dreams about:

My dad arguing strongly with people

Fighting—seeing scary images in my mind.

My grandmother having mental health struggles

I also never noted this realization but I deeply see the hierarchical culture here. The bowing, the reverence for perceived wealth, and the ignoring of those seen as “below” it is odd to witness as a developing nation—I believe I’ve witnessed these dynamics even when wealth is not present. So, when hired help is hired just to be able to eat food…those who have food are placed on a hierarchy, although, that is not wealth. Dressing well is considered important although, one can be viewed as dressing well even if they wear the same outfit multiple days in a row…the definitions of wealth and poverty are vastly different. It is shocking to me the attempts to uphold this hierarchy when, as I see it, there is so much more that should be worried about.

It is also clear that I do feel ready to go home. I feel quite irritated by many things. The culture being so much slower can be an inconvenience, and quite difficult. I also am looking forward to being able to be free, to do my own thing. I am hoping, as I wait for this room key that I will have the chance to go out to do some things on my own. Sure, I don’t speak French…but I hope that I will feel more myself by being able to move, and to do things without concern about how I will be perceived. I know I am ready to go home because of how annoyed I feel. I am reminding myself to embrace the positives…the opportunity to rest, which I was concerned about. It feels like today has been my first chance to be able to do so….

It’s also been difficult because I have felt uncomfortable with people talking around me…and it has become obvious that at times it has been intentional. To say, sometimes things aren’t fully explained to me when around French speaking people because they may not want me to know is very uncomfortable to me, and it has led me to check out very often so I don’t feel irritated by being lost on what’s being said…so when it’s noticed that I’m being quiet, there are questions but it’s part of my continued “checking out” I find the habit of talking around people to be a problematic one…outwardly saying negative things about people, outwardly saying things you wouldn’t want those around you to hear…I am uncomfortable to be in that type of environment, and my discomfort with that is obviously coming out…I will really try not to talk about it though. I hope they bring this room key to me soon, this is what I mean by the cultural difference being annoying…it really feels like it has been an hour already.

[x-rambles]

Ugh and GURL I do have so many real updates to journal….BUTTT currently in Africa j need to document the trip & my thoughts 🥳

12/22/2024- Morocco was a wonderful trip! I am extremely thankful that my first connecting flight was so comfortable! When I got off the plane I didn’t particularly notice anything different. It was about 70 degrees, there were palm trees, and I did sortve notice the dust. But it felt like traveling to other places!! Our culture is everywhere. So many track suits and sneakers, sagging, matching sets. I was told the world looks to the US, it’s one as the super power….which has been very clear yo me on this trip. I’ve been stared at, A LOT. Sometimes it’s hard to be cute 🤷🏽‍♀️ day one in Morocco has been great! U love the new flip flops I got! I love the laughs I got from the airport employee sourcing a plug for me at a lower price. This will be a memorable trip, for sure!

[x-rambles]

Ugh and GURL I do have so many real updates to journal….BUTTT currently in Africa j need to document the trip & my thoughts 🥳

12/22/2024- Morocco was a wonderful trip! I am extremely thankful that my first connecting flight was so comfortable! When I got off the plane I didn’t particularly notice anything different. It was about 70 degrees, there were palm trees, and I did sortve notice the dust. But it felt like traveling to other places!! Our culture is everywhere. So many track suits and sneakers, sagging, matching sets. I was told the world looks to the US, it’s one as the super power….which has been very clear yo me on this trip. I’ve been stared at, A LOT. Sometimes it’s hard to be cute 🤷🏽‍♀️ day one in Morocco has been great! U love the new flip flops I got! I love the laughs I got from the airport employee sourcing a plug for me at a lower price. This will be a memorable trip, for sure!

[x-rambles]

August 5, 2024

I am logged into my journal again...I have a house, I have had it for a year. I thrived in my job this school year, 95% of students passed the exam to earn college credit, my relationship is thriving, I have an international trip planned, and there has even been the most wonderful "surprise" discussed to occur... I need to sit down, as usual, I need to get back into my journalling routine--maybe I will complete the exercise my *wonderful* therapist suggeested!

[x-rambles]

Saturday, November 4, 2023

Ugh I've been meaning to journal when I feel some type of way...

Babe, I cannot believe. A car?? You have a car, and you have a house....It's definitely extremely complex...because honestly, you are that girl. I mean I remember, there have been times where you had stuff, where you were blessed, and thank the Lord for those..that's what this is giving. But honestly, you always knew work. And work is what you're knowing now...like it's good to have opportunities, its beautiful, there's nothing more amazing. And it's important that I balance my gratitude with discipline. Babe, you are doing SO MUCH right now! You're doing okay. You're really seeing that "amazing at one thing while garbage someplace else" HEAVY...butt it is balanced, which is good. UGh, girl your relationship. It's honestly getting crazy. It's also interesting to see how the car changes things. At the end of the day, cmon, it's clear this man is open to providing for you. There's these nuances and technicalities screwing with things now. Like, okay you don't have as many resources right now to be as giving back as you'd like....okay ya he's pushing himself in ways where he may not have as much resources as he would like to...it's interesting it's like we're both in this crazy building mode. It's like we're literally building a rocket together. This must sort've be what the movies are like. During the montages. The montages go so fast, and its life it's not that fast. In life, the lows are not brief seconds that pass us by. In life, the highs are flashes of wonder that feel unimaginable. But honestly, for me, it's a flash. It felt beautiful driving down the road, driving in MY car. But I had to drive to my responsibilities. I was problem-solving and writing to-do lists. But I also picked up some candies, and a crystal heart to put on my bookshelf.

That is a wonder. Looking at the Chrystal heart it is truly GORGEOUS. It's gorgeous and I picked it up because I had the flexibility now...I mean, the wrong name was on it when I was there, so I had to leave, but I WENT--And my love drove me there to grab it with the correct name!

Ught, my love. We've been fighting all week! It's wonderful that we got to talk today...in the car, about our feelings. I get so frustrated, I get so down, and then he pays for my car to be fixed..it's crazy because he did set a boundary explaining the car is my responsibility...but he built me an office, hes helping with my car, he is unreal...It's loaded as he does want things, and want more. And I do try, and I am overwhelmed. That's what I was getting at earlier. It's like we're building a rocket, but one day we will blast into the stars. I feel like I'm grinding for what is to COME. I feel like it will always be work but it will change. I feel like this evolution could catapult things. It's big, ya know!

Ugh, we all know I need to journal more...I haven't been journalling all year fr with all the grinding...I really pray these days, that these times will lead to my retirement. I really pray that this SWEAT, this WORK, will lead to mornings filled with activity, laughter, and learning. I hope it leads into a beautiful home to build together, that I will continue to grow humble, and balanced, and working--in order to develop into the woman that I will need to be for that season. That I will wake up early, and I will have a late nightt, putting in the hours, and thinking, about intentionally building my family, about having and creatinig experiences, about connection. Lord, I am freedom dreaming once again this is on my heart. So many other dreams, have been on my heart. I've been in my dreams, in my apartment, in my baddie, cute girl era, I have seen what the Lord has had in store for me, and I see it again. I feel it in my heart God, the day when resources are plentiful, and cycling, doubling, and compounding. When generosity and love can be the focus, and I begin to look at others and remember my journey--I have seen it Lord, I have had it on my heart, I have seen it and wanted it, I have prayed it, and journaled it, and then WATCHED it Lord. I am struggling, but I KNOW dreams exist. I know DREAMS come true. I know YOU are in control. What is on my heart is because of you, what is my next move is because of you as I am created in YOUR vision Father God.

Lord, I am tired, I am a bit lunchy, and I may need some rest..some rest for an early morning. So much is transpiring, but here we are...all day long.

Love Absolutely, and Always XoXo C

[x-rambles]

Today is the day that the Lord has made; August 25, 2023–YOU, my love, are a homeowner.

Keep taking care of yourself babygirl.

XoXo,

C.

[x-rambles]

August 23, 2023 *pt 2*

In my other post I do not mean to fixate. I do mean though….that events continue to happen, and things do work out.

My goal is to STOP trying to control outside forces and outside events. It’s time to begin controlling my wellness. It is time to control my meals, and my level of movement. It is time to control the resources afforded to me.

I cannot control the actions of others, I cannot control the decisions of others.

It is time that I simply do my best to ensure that I am okay. I must do my best. Put my cell phone charger in my bag. Keep a water bottle with me and have consistent, ideally simple foods for lunch. That is a start and I know those things are life changing.

I must focus all my attention, my action, on myself. I must work toward feeling my best, being, performing at my best. With clear effort, I can do it.

XoXo,

C.

[x-rambles]

August 23, 2023.

It is all happening at the same time..it is ALL happening. I’m cleared to close THIS week. I went into the building at my next job…I was sitting on my phone, scrolling as usual….it’s clear that something has to give. I’m glad I picked up, and saw scrolling is not saving me. I am freaking out quite a bit, stressed…I need the lessons!

So, I need to make sure that I can meet up with my friend, ASAP—maybe this weekend? To GET the lessons I need!!

I need to get things together—I need to find a phone charger to keep in my work bag, I need to choose my water bottle to KEEP at work, so I stay hydrated. Ugh, I saved the Mini Fridge AND Microwave, ugh I should— I won’t do it yet. But it must be soon!

Honestly before the fridge I need an air purifier. My allergies are OFF the chain! HA. I will have an air purifier as well! Lessons are priority #1, then air purifier/allergy medicine THEN Room amenities!

I’ll keep my main Keurig at home for the AirBNB….but I will have another coffee maker— I need to choose which type. It’s clear to me, that I will be busy in this building. I want to be busy to end the “dead time” in my life.

WIth ending dead time it is a MUST that I am also productive. After closing I must grab some things to set up consistent lunches to bring to and from work. I need to confirm my methods of transportation—and the LESSONS.

I need to find self soothing methods—its very easy to find new things to stress about. It is not healthy and it is not sustainable. I MUST calm down, cool out, and trust God.

I haven’t journaled in such a long time…so many beautiful things are happening. I have a room all to myself, I am in the #1 school in the entire district. And slowly but surely my things will come together. I WILL get the lessons. I will put in the work. I WILL SUCCEED.

I will calm down, continue my prayer, I will continue journaling after I finish this conversation with my mom…

[x-rambles]

And heartbreakingly, at 10:22PM, a thought is in my mind…..that I could pack my apartment up, and simply end it. I could pack my apartment, and commit suicide.

It’s horrible to think, I was just watching a video about a celebrity traveling to Africa, sharing the wonderful experience, sharing the atrocities our ancestors have gone through—for us to be here today.

Perspective is everything, and I’m not sure if I’m simply blasphemous now, but honestly——is it simply biology, and chance (God) that I’m here as well? I try to tell myself, be thankful. Be thankful to have a boyfriend who would allow you to stay with you while you’re working through this, but honestly, I don’t believe that. I don’t feel that’s what I have. I am so afraid. I’m so afraid to no longer have an apartment, and to be with a man who requires I work, I cook breakfast, I make dinner, who tells me not to tire myself out but silently resents if I do not do things. I’m afraid of living every day in the anxiety of am I doing enough? Of trying to race with each other to see who does things first.

I don’t want to be stuck in the renters rat race. Things just are not lining up. It makes me feel that suicide is best. My God, if I stay with that man just to feel not only anxious but TRAPPED. I am so afraid, I don’t want to experience that.

I am so afraid of committing suicide. I am so afraid, I hate how I feel.

I had to be sure to get these thoughts out. 10:27PM

C

June 15, 2023

I do not want to ruin my life.

I appreciate my attorney's advice, and of course, she's the expert. It would be best not to continue "pouring money" into this house without being clear.

The house did not appraise. This means I would have to give 15k...

There is so much on my mind and on my heart. I do not feel good living with my boyfriend. I do not want to live with a man who is unsure of me. I do not feel comfortable with his perspective of me. He's unsure, he has questions, and he.....I cannot focus on him. I wrote at the top of my journal, Why do I want to be married? It's an important question for me to reflect on.

Unfortunately, I know a big part of this is not wanting to spend time in "limbo" which in some ways is what my relationship feels like. I also don't feel good...I don't want to spend my birthday with him (again) I don't feel confident in his ability to make me feel special. Unfortunately, I just suspect that because of his view of me, as selfish, and not giving enough, makes him unable to give to me. Some of it can also be our differences, he may not see gifts in the same way. But I do feel that he used to be giving, and he's not anymore. Like--he's not thinking to do anything special for me, and also...his financial situation is very particular at the moment.

If I'm honest in so many ways my twenty-fifth year has been Hell. I pushed myself so hard, to do so many things. And I have done so many things. I'm proud to have a driver's license, a teaching license, and a new, higher-paying job, and I know that I will be proud to own a house too.

Even closing on a house where. I pull money out of my pocket and am left with barely any savings, I will be proud. It's crazy, these accomplishments, do not fill me up. These accomplishments do not make me whole. Yes, I grow, and I learn, but they do not make me love myself. I've pushed myself in such a big way, and I have not been taking care of myself as much as I intend to.

I remember talking to my friend once, I said the to-do list never stops growing. It's true. I genuinely feel that, when I get my house, I will focus on myself. I know for sure, I'll have to stay in my house most of the time. I want to journal, I want to pray, and I will invest in therapy (may have to put off French class) but therapy is a NEED.

I would rather deplete my house with these savings. I truly have faith that the money can come back. I have to believe I can get reliable enough tenants, who will pay their share. My alternative is spending A LOT on rent. If I don't move forward with the house I keep renting? Continuing to rent does not feel like an option. I love my apartment, I love all it's done for me, and I will miss it, but I have to move on.

I have to remember that refusing to continue renting is not ruining my life. My boyfriend thinks living together would be a good "test" he told his mom we'd see how it is, to "test" how we feel for each other. I am not a test. And he would view living together as a test. I do not want to ruin my life by leaving my apartment. My house still feels complete up in the air "there are aspects of real estate that nobody controls" and it's so easy to Would've, Should've, Could've--but if only I had more comfort zones in life. I was dealt my hand in life, and I could never pretend that the blessings and favor were not abundant,

Realistically my options look like:

-I move out of my apartment, save. the $$ living with my boyfriend, and soldier through this process for two months max, ending with much smaller savings and closing on my house. I will stress about my tenants, I will RUSH & JUGGLE to get things in order for tenants, and AirBnB (ASAP)--it may help move things along, and I'll PRAY by the time I'm in front of students, I'd be stable

I would still need to talk with my boyfriend about dividing money while living together.

-I move out of my apartment, save the $$ living with my boyfriend, shit hits the fan, it's weird and confusing, and I SOB because the deal dies. I pray gratitude that my deposit is returned, so my savings are still intact. I keep saving... I can talk with my boyfriend about how we'd have to divide $, I'd still be saving without rent, utility, and wifi Bills. I'd have to talk with myself--I cannot be a test. Do I requalify with this program in September? When do I decide to leave his home?

Either I close on the house, or I do not close on the house. But if I'm honest, the house is so perfect. I really feel in my heart that it's meant to be mine. I'm not compromising on anything with this house. My only compromise is sacrificing a big piece of my savings...

There are still negotiations, and I still have professionals working. on this. I'm overwhelmed, with all the shit going on, I am overwhelmed. I have so much shit I have to do, and yet, I feel very depressed. I'm not really able to do anything, not able to be productive...

I have never overwhelmed myself like this before in my life. But I know that I always work, I always do things. And at the end. of the day, a lot of these things, I lot of these requirements have a time clock on them...the time will pass either way.

There is a lot going on. When there's more information I'll be able to update. In 12 days, I will be 26 years old.

XoXo, C.

[x-rambles]

June 15, 2023

I do not want to ruin my life.

I appreciate my attorney's advice, and of course, she's the expert. It would be best not to continue "pouring money" into this house without being clear.

The house did not appraise. This means I would have to give 15k...

There is so much on my mind and on my heart. I do not feel good living with my boyfriend. I do not want to live with a man who is unsure of me. I do not feel comfortable with his perspective of me. He's unsure, he has questions, and he.....I cannot focus on him. I wrote at the top of my journal, Why do I want to be married? It's an important question for me to reflect on.

Unfortunately, I know a big part of this is not wanting to spend time in "limbo" which in some ways is what my relationship feels like. I also don't feel good...I don't want to spend my birthday with him (again) I don't feel confident in his ability to make me feel special. Unfortunately, I just suspect that because of his view of me, as selfish, and not giving enough, makes him unable to give to me. Some of it can also be our differences, he may not see gifts in the same way. But I do feel that he used to be giving, and he's not anymore. Like--he's not thinking to do anything special for me, and also...his financial situation is very particular at the moment.

If I'm honest in so many ways my twenty-fifth year has been Hell. I pushed myself so hard, to do so many things. And I have done so many things. I'm proud to have a driver's license, a teaching license, and a new, higher-paying job, and I know that I will be proud to own a house too.

Even closing on a house where. I pull money out of my pocket and am left with barely any savings, I will be proud. It's crazy, these accomplishments, do not fill me up. These accomplishments do not make me whole. Yes, I grow, and I learn, but they do not make me love myself. I've pushed myself in such a big way, and I have not been taking care of myself as much as I intend to.

I remember talking to my friend once, I said the to-do list never stops growing. It's true. I genuinely feel that, when I get my house, I will focus on myself. I know for sure, I'll have to stay in my house most of the time. I want to journal, I want to pray, and I will invest in therapy (may have to put off French class) but therapy is a NEED.

I would rather deplete my house with these savings. I truly have faith that the money can come back. I have to believe I can get reliable enough tenants, who will pay their share. My alternative is spending A LOT on rent. If I don't move forward with the house I keep renting? Continuing to rent does not feel like an option. I love my apartment, I love all it's done for me, and I will miss it, but I have to move on.

I have to remember that refusing to continue renting is not ruining my life. My boyfriend thinks living together would be a good "test" he told his mom we'd see how it is, to "test" how we feel for each other. I am not a test. And he would view living together as a test. I do not want to ruin my life by leaving my apartment. My house still feels complete up in the air "there are aspects of real estate that nobody controls" and it's so easy to Would've, Should've, Could've--but if only I had more comfort zones in life. I was dealt my hand in life, and I could never pretend that the blessings and favor were not abundant,

Realistically my options look like:

-I move out of my apartment, save. the $$ living with my boyfriend, and soldier through this process for two months max, ending with much smaller savings and closing on my house. I will stress about my tenants, I will RUSH & JUGGLE to get things in order for tenants, and AirBnB (ASAP)--it may help move things along, and I'll PRAY by the time I'm in front of students, I'd be stable

I would still need to talk with my boyfriend about dividing money while living together.

-I move out of my apartment, save the $$ living with my boyfriend, shit hits the fan, it's weird and confusing, and I SOB because the deal dies. I pray gratitude that my deposit is returned, so my savings are still intact. I keep saving... I can talk with my boyfriend about how we'd have to divide $, I'd still be saving without rent, utility, and wifi Bills. I'd have to talk with myself--I cannot be a test. Do I requalify with this program in September? When do I decide to leave his home?

Either I close on the house, or I do not close on the house. But if I'm honest, the house is so perfect. I really feel in my heart that it's meant to be mine. I'm not compromising on anything with this house. My only compromise is sacrificing a big piece of my savings...

There are still negotiations, and I still have professionals working. on this. I'm overwhelmed, with all the shit going on, I am overwhelmed. I have so much shit I have to do, and yet, I feel very depressed. I'm not really able to do anything, not able to be productive...

I have never overwhelmed myself like this before in my life. But I know that I always work, I always do things. And at the end. of the day, a lot of these things, I lot of these requirements have a time clock on them...the time will pass either way.

There is a lot going on. When there's more information I'll be able to update. In 12 days, I will be 26 years old.

XoXo, C.

[x-rambles]

June 11, 2023

I am deeply, intimately, thoroughly sad. This sadness is becoming too much on me. More than anything, truly I wish that I did not exist. I do not want to interact with anyone. I do not want to exist. I do not want to exist. I keep looking at the eyebrow razor on my coffee table. There are so many thoughts right now. It's crazy how often I'd been fantasizing about committing suicide. Mostly, I fantasize about what I'll put in my note. I would want it to be clear that I've had these feelings forever. Since I was a small child. I was thinking in the car about how nobody understands the gravity of my situation. Of how strongly, and deeply I feel. But it's true, it wouldn't matter if they did. I do not want to exist. I am literally hurt by the interactions I have with others. Every interaction, and every choice that I make ends with me feeling sad. I want to kill myself, I do. I want to kill myself so badly. I hate that I exist. I HATE THAT I EXIST. Something has to be wrong with me. To be able to accomplish so many of the things that I want and still feel this way as deeply as I do is not right. There is something wildly wrong.

And something is happening where I feel deep pressure because of the wants, actions, and thoughts of others. This pressure is weighing on me. This pressure wouldn't exist if I did not exist. I hate the way that I feel. I hate everything that I am. Its blasphemous to feel this way, and my truth is blasphemous. At this point, I can't say what the source of these feelings are.

The house of course is adding pressure on me that I hate. My chest, my head literally aches consistently from the pressures of getting this done. The people who I have to deal with are literally horrific. Having to navigate a racist, sexist system with incompetent people is torturous.

My relationship, in my opinion, is not going well. It is possible that I'm broken inside. At this point, it does feel that I do not want to be with him anymore. Like, I just do not know how to get past those initial issues. His issues with my not being giving in our relationship. And personally, I just do not trust him. He kept those initial feelings from me, and I just do not very much trust his doing the best for my well-being. I suspect I can be wasting my youth because he does not want, what I want, from me. He may have doubts or concerns that he cannot be happy with me, and we may not move forward.

And truth be told, with all that's been on my mind I do not believe I want those things. For weeks at least, I've felt for the first time in my life that I did not want children. I've felt that I did not want to become married. After these experiences in my most recent relationship, it has felt as if something inside of me snapped. Like it's become clear that I Would always be expected to be a mule, to labor, without ease or do efficient, productive work. Like I must sacrifice myself, and my sleep, to bullshit and sexist standards while being expected to work as hard professionally. That is a life of misery.

My faith in so many things is dwindling. My faith in making my own way, my faith in putting forth effort and work, and it being worth it. I really hope that my story ends differently. I'm glad things with the house are moving along. Change is afoot either way (I'm packing up my apartment to leave) But it's clear this house is not the answer that I need. This house will not make me feel happy to exist. Those feelings come from within. A therapist can provide the tools to navigate life.

It's crazy I do not really recall ever being this depressed in the summer? I have to get my feelings out. I will try to do something about them too.

XoXo, C

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June 4, 2023

I am having a difficult time...I feel deeply upset. I'm really in a place where I am becoming unable to please. I was deeply bothered, and annoyed with the relaxed hair on my ends, and I finally cut them off, so now---I'm anxious. I'm struggling with deep feelings of anxiety. I'm anxious about what I'll do with my hair now, can I get it under a wig? It's late tonight, and that can also be part of my feelings...

I want a house so bad. I've prayed more than anything for one. As I go through this journey I feel, sad...I feel afraid. I'm afraid that I'm ruining my life. I'm afraid that I cannot do it. I have to watch more videos with that sound "she's afraid that she'll fail, I'm here to tell her, she won't"

I need to get to the bottom of these emotions. Clearly, it's not the "house" it's not the "hair" because as these things come to pass, as I take care of everything--the emotions do not leave me.

My conversation with my boyfriend.....ugh. He apologized for the statement he made, which was sexist. The issue brought up a lot of feelings. This has been a very important life lesson. I appreciate his sitting and talking with me, I do. It is something that I appreciate, and it does not, did not, solve the problem. The flaw may actually be, looking for my solution elsewhere.

What I caught from this week's call mentioned that I am responsible for my emotions and energy. It is true. My boyfriend is doing all in his power to hear me out, share honestly about his perspective, etc. BUT--I still am the sole person who can control, and improve my situation emotionally. I really do try my best, I do. I keep going through the process, I pray, I watch videos, I keep myself busy...BU--I remain inconsolably unhappy.

Even from what I shared about my fear of being unhappy in my relationship...Part of that, part of the struggle is the fact that I am consistently unhappy. I even struggle with finding the solution to these issues--I just continuously feel upset and resentful of the past. I cannot stay in this rut--I must get external help, it seems. I do, still feel, extremely unhappy.....I will be sure to pray tonight. Maybe having a snack, and getting some rest will feel better.

All things are possible through Christ. I will continue praying.

XoXo, C.

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06.03.2023

I need to post an update for posterity--I'm leaning into a consistent practice of working through, and ideally releasing & eliminating anxiety. The Transfer appeared today, it is now in motion in a timely fashion! Monday I will meet with my Mortgage Counselor, I will have more information, I will be MOVING things right along <3 XoXo, C.

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June 2, 2023-A Letter to God About My House

I am a ball of anxiety right now--and I am writing this letter to the Lord. He knows my heart, and there is so much inside of me that I must release. 

Father God, I thank you for all that I am, and for all that I have. I know that you know my heart. I pray each day to fulfill your purpose for me on this Earth. Lord as you know,  I am so very often afraid, of so many things. I continue to soldier on, through negative emotions, begrudgingly, and I thank you for each day I’ve woken up, I thank you for every new chance that I have. Lord as you know I am on the precipice of greatness. Because of this greatness that’s on it’s way to me, I am afraid. I must give my fears to you, Lord. I understand MANY of my fears come from within, from my own failings. But I must lay my fears in front of you, because Lord I know that I am not alone. You knew me when I was in my mother’s womb. Lord, you walk with me each step of the way. All greatness within me, my talents, and any great things I do is a representation of you. It’s myself reflecting yourself, and your will. I thank you for the allowing me to experience that greatness. Father God, I thank you for going on this walk with me because...I am oh so very afraid. And I know that with you, there’s no reason to fear.

Lord, I thank you for my accepted offer on my home. Father God, I thank you, that an offer was accepted on my DREAM--You KNOW my heart, and my heart is what came into my life. Lord I watched my WILDEST DREAMS come in the world, come into my life, all the glory comes to you.  Father God, a 3 family home, WITH a driveway, that’s ALSO in walking distance of the train was my DREAM. The home is renovated, it is beautiful, it is amazing.

My anxieties come from how thankful I am that it’s perfect!! Lord--I enrolled in elevate because I wanted the greatness. It’s despicable that in the second month I have not participated. I was busy, that was the month that I found my home, but I must continue participating. I am investing every month in this development. AND--I have also seen the benefits, especially while my relationship is going through phases and changes. And So, although I get anxious and upset with payment every month, I do know that elevate was a wise choice. My next step is downloading the resources to my drive so I ensure I KEEP access to EVERYTHING. It’s really amazing. I am blessed to have this opportunity.

My anxiety in elevate comes with my house. I am afraid of people looking into my records to see that large bill, ALTHOUGH IT IS PAID, MONTHLY--Lord I know that the math works, and I triple checked the math before I enrolled. I did my due diligence, and now I must trust, I must trust my effort to do the right thing, and I must trust into you! YOU knew I should be in elevate at this time! The things that have come up in my relationship has shown more than anything how necessary my membership is! 

Lord I’m anxious/afraid regarding the money transfer. It’s complex. I almost am upset with myself for not transferring sooner, but how could I know? All that I can do is let it play it’s course. The minute I confirmed the information, I called the bank, the minute I recognized an error, I corrected. I did my absolute best.

I am afraid of the Appraisal Gap--this is another instance where I TRIPLE checked the Math...I can afford it! I should have a savings left over afterward...but the fear comes with the mortgage payment. The fear comes with the brokerage fees. I MUST get tenants, ASAP. Which I can do, but the fear comes from the EXPENSES that accrue. THAT is the root of my anxiety in regards to Elevate, in regards to the Appraisal Gap. Father God, I have faith in your works, in the purpose you’ve given me..Lord the house is just perfect...so it MUST BE because it’s my house? My joining elevate RIGHT at the right time? And even my thinking--this is the only time I could do it! When I’m a home owner, I’d be less comfortable shelling out that money (the bulk was spent while renting) And I can keep the recordings forever and rewatch as needed. 

Father God, you created me to do amazing things. You put this dream in my heart for a REASON. Because it was MEANT for me, it was MEANT to be. Lord, I want to do your will, your works! Father God, I want to fulfill the dreams for the community, I am thankful to be employing so many Black professionals and hope to continue doing the same. I want to supply housing to thriving Black people, I want to provide my home an opportunity to change the trajectory for my family, my current AND future family. 

Everything is TOUCHING on PERFECT Lord. I must be honest, and there’s more on my chest. I have HIGH Anxiety regarding my performance at work. Ever since my boss was let go, I’ve been AFRAID--and it isn’t better that my attentions have been elsewhere. I am in the bottom numbers for enrollments, my dials, etc. haven’t been the best either--I am glad that next week I will be in person, to change the trajectory. The lesson in this also may be that I work more efficiently in person (still questionable) because--I also have been BUSY with SO MANY things.........so that may have hurt my efficiency too? My heart also just is NOT in it with the job, I haven’t been trusting, or comfortable, it’s definitely a transitional period, 100% But alas, It’s absolutely not over, there is still time to keep going! It’s possible that I can have a moderate end to this start! Even if I added 3 more enrollments that would be a DREAM (and bring me on par with my peers) My financial uncertainties (Initial Deposit, Appraisal, etc.) have me SHAKEN in regards to my finances. But I am seen as a solid resource. I have to ensure I am putting my BEST FOOT FORWARD in work more often, and from that, I should be green...it’s a new Month. I will KILL IT for June! I must go back to 500 call weeks! I have to GET IN THERE, to get something!

There’s uncertainty with my closing date and the move, which still needs time....BUT it will come. Lord, this house is MY HOUSE. Even if the closing date is early in July, even if I need to give the gap for appraisal. Lord I pray that I can close on the day projected. Lord, I pray the house can appraise FULLY, and I will continue doing so--but Father God, this house is PERFECT. This house is AMAZING. I am so thankful, there was a time I didn’t know that I would have a house at all, LORD?! And a beautiful, THREE family, 2 sources of rental-income, a driveway, and convenient location, cute brick outside? LORD this was my DREAMMM--and it is here in real life because it is MINE. And so I trust, I trust that your Will is coming to pass. And regardless of the specifics this house in my life, is YOUR WILL. 

Sometimes I feel AFRIAD of my dreams; my dream to own a multi-family home, my dream to seamlessly transition out, and into another role by Summer’s End, my dream to enroll in Elevate and LEVEL up my relationship. Sometimes I feel I’m dreaming to big, it’s not possible, but God with you ALL THINGS are possible. Lord I am SO Thankful for what awaits me in the Fall, and so I have some tasks to complete, and from there, I will seamlessly move into a new step, while inside of my new home. There have been times in the past where I feared failure, so I played small, and felt unhappy, unfulfilled. And there was, one time in particular, that I dreamed BIG, with AUDACITY. And I was MORTIFIED--and it all came to pass, BEAUTIFULLY. It’s funny, from that experience I was afraid, and I’d never been that scared before. Will, as you know, Lord I’ve never been as afraid as I am RIGHT NOW. I got through the fear, the uncertainty, in the past! I will get through the fear, the uncertainty NOW. I came out victorious, I came out, fulfilling your will in my life. And this time I know, I am not alone, you are with me Lord, and once again, I will be VICTORIOUS. Victory is coming out fulfilling your will. And Lord, I am! This is Your Will that I am victorious.

This house in my life is YOUR WILL. My growth, is your will. All my dreams, that I was afraid to strive for, my dreams that I hid from, or pretended I didn’t want, but quietly kept striving toward is all in your divine plan, Lord. I intend to keep going. And I thank you. Through the stress, the sadness, I thank you for being God and for allowing me to be ME. 

Father God I thank you for all that I am and for all that I have. The days will pass, the way you created it, and with time, more answers will be given. As time passes, answers will come, and I will be able to make my next move. 

I thank you for all that I am Father God. XoXo, C.

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May 12, 2023

I was once again made victorious in my battle with test anxiety—Certified in TWO states for my profession.

THIS TIME, I did not conquer the exam. But I positioned myself to fight head on. I set up to FACE this Exam head on! I had to stop hiding, I was prepared to fight for what I needed to!

And thank God, I didn’t even need to fight.

Love, some AWESOME things have been going on ❤️ we really have to catch up soon! Things are happening FAST, and blessings are happening!

I love you. I love you with all that I am.

XoXo,

C

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Audacity-April 17, 2023

I need a moment to journal, with audacity for a moment. I remember doing this activity when I was apartment hunting. I am currently doing the work, to set myself up for amazing things.

I am working toward a higher salary, with lesser living costs, and higher joy. I am doing work to improve my romantic relationship, to move myself to become in gut-level love, and to move myself to marriage. I am planning for a schedule, in my field, that I love, with a shorter workday, and shorter workdays throughout the year. I am working toward minimizing my cost of living, and developing the foundation for passive income. Once I complete my coaching course, I will have the funds to save and maintain a car.

Babygirl, I will step out of my beautiful home, step into my car, drive to work, drive to Target after work, drive to my fianceès house, to spend time with him. Baby I will have the option to drive to different grocery stores as needed, I may begin shopping at Aldi's again.

Baby you will live in a small apartment in home ownership, then move to Airbnb one bedroom, then your ENTIRE unit while living with your fianceè. Babygirl please CLAIM the greatness. Although there is pain at this moment, there is a difficulty, there is stress, there is anxiety, PLEASE take the moment to remember WHAT this is all for, and to DREAM. Baby remember to DREAM. YOU ARE WORKING TO LIVE YOUR DREAM.

You are PUSHING yourself through this home-buying process to offset your cost of living, AND to make a generational difference. So you will have income while staying home with your babies.

You are FACING your fears with yet another job to step into a CAREER CHANGING position in INDUSTRY LEADING places. You are PAYING every month to participate in a program that will ensure you GROW inside, and your romance, your marriage, is that much stronger.

The finances you're sacrificing monthly is also a lesson in how far you can go--As you develop more streams of income (your current side hustle, your negotiation for a higher salary) ON TOP of reflecting on INTENTIONAL spending habits monthly, to make room for what's to come! To make room for your home savings account, your car savings account, and your car insurance.

BABY GIRL--In MONTHS' time, you will be working a shorter day, teaching content you love to bright and engaged students, you will be home-owning, offsetting costs, and incorporating MORE space for even more income. You will continue doing the work, to become a WIFE, in a loving marriage that allows you to continue growing.

The pain here, is necessary, for the next level. Once you have this job, you will breathe. Once you have this house, you will BREATHE. Your tenants will contribute to housing costs, and you will begin another journey, from a place of more ease. You are growing your network to ensure peace, ease, and happiness.

By the time 2024 rolls around, you will be a new girl. The most important thing is...You will be the SAME Girl, in a better, THRIVING position--You're ALREADY that girl. By being the girl who got Qualified, by being the girl who is paying for these courses AND IMPLEMENTING THE WORK, by being the girl who is pushing herself, to job search, work a side hustle, work a full-time job, YOU ARE HER.

The circumstance will look different SOON--less clawing your way, more maintaining. Baby you are doing this for a reason, for things that you can't really imagine right now. Remember to DREAM. As you're working hard, KEEP DREAMING.

XoXo, C.

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Gratitude for the Glory

I have Job Offers at schools that are INDUSTRY Leaders, the #1 Private School in the state, and the #1 Magnet School in the Largest district in the state want ME to join their school community. School Districts are hearing and agreeing to my requirements.

I am extremely & thoroughly thankful. To God be the Glory. Always. XoXo, C.