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x-silver-x · 3 years

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Rules For the Human Parts 1-9

Author's note: been uploading this series to Reddit, but decided to dump all I have so far to Tumblr

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Part 1

After the many shenanigans of the Human I, the Captain, am forced to put rules in place exclusively because of him. These rules may not be altered by him, and he is not allowed to ask others to alter it for him. in fact, only I may edit this document, but I will take requests for rules to add and remove.

1: No snacks while doing routine maintenance on the ship's turrets. I do not want to hear "The guns are jammed by jam" again when we're in the middle of a fight.

2: Just because a species looks cuddly, does not mean they wish to be cuddled. At the very least ask, you idiotic [EXPLETIVE WITH NO TRANSLATION] stain.

3: Just because you're allowed to wear casual clothes on laundry day, does not give you the right to walk around in a "fursuit"

a. Or in a "mankini"

b. That's it, we're buying you a second uniform!

4: When on a planet under quarantine, no distributing fliers advertising "Quarantine Free Fridays" encouraging inhabitants to leave their homes. all fines, bail, and lawyer fees will be coming out of your wages.

5: The distress beacon is for emergencies only, using it to "broadcast earth's sickest beats into deep space" is not a valid reason.

a. Nor is it for you to broadcast poetry readings in a bad Russian accent

b. Or German

c. I have revoked your access to the distress beacon.

6: No more barbequing bacon on the warp drive. If you want to get radiation poisoning that's your choice but I do not need to deal with problems caused by grease during FTL because you're hungry.

7: First contact with a race is not the time to show them our superior weaponry.

a. Unless they welcome us with hostility first, then we're letting you charge at them with nothing but underwear and a butter knife

b. HOW DID YOU WIN THAT?!?!

8: For every Homestuck reference you make, I will dock 10% of your pay.

a. Or Dr Who.

b. Or My Little Pony.

c. Or Star Wars

d. Or Star Trek

e. Or this very rule list

f. For the love of all that is good please no more Jojo's references around other humans.

9: In the rare cases I allow you to pilot the ship, I will wrestle control back from you the moment you refer to it as "like an arcade game".

10: In the event of time travel backwards in the process of FTL (not helped by the grease on the warp drive from your bacon), we are to follow none interference guidelines to prevent damage to the timeline until we can find find a wormhole back to where we came from, not "spoil movies for the nerds".

This list may be expanded later but for now, I think it'll work. Please human, don't force me to add more rules.

Part 2

That didn't take long. I now have more rules I needed to add specifically for the human. I hope I do not need to make a third update.

11: Stop uploading my captains logs and announcements to reddit!

a. Tumblr is also out of the question.

b. 4chan too.

c. Just stop uploading these documents on the internet. period.

12: Should not replace the propellant gel in Frazxly's XC-54 class plasma rifle rounds with any of the following: hair gel, cake, icing, jam, soap, or that as of yet unidentifiable slippery liquid.

13: Must not get prank ideas from the "The Things Dr Bright Is Not Allowed To Do At The Foundation" list.

a. Or jackass

b. Actually you know what, especially not jackass!

14: Yes we understand you have all the licensing and documentation to fly the ship through asteroid fields, but do you really think I'd trust YOU of all people to do it?

a. Especially when you plug an MP3 player into the ship's intercom system and scream "you ready to rock?" before you do it?

b. letting me "choose the soundtrack" does not make more confident... HEY I DIDN'T SAY TAKE AWAY THE MP3, you ready to rock?

15: Every time you say "do a barrel roll" I will do everything in my power to not move the ship, even if it means crashing.

16: Taco Tuesday is now added to the schedule on popular request

a. Your little campaign worked, well played

b. I mean it worked on me too, I was one of the people who voted in favour of Taco Tuesday, but still, well played.

17: The emergency alarm is not the right time to play music and have a rave, even if the ship's lights are flashing red.

a. Where do you even keep those glowsticks human?

18: If the human asks you to pull his finger, do not. Especially not in enclosed spaces presently difficult to escape from.

a. seriously, gross

19: When you pilot the ship into battle, you are not allowed to play the soviet national anthem

a. or the MLP:FIM opening

b. or Giorno's Theme

c. You are, however, allowed to play danger zone at a reasonable noise level, but only because it'd be cruel to not allow a human to do that.

20: You must not refer to orbital strikes as the "Orbital Friendship Cannon"

a. referring to planetary destruction as "Exterminatus" is also poor form.

b. "Glassing" is also insensitive to the dead.

Part 3

The human continues to be a problem on the ship and as such I am forced to make even more rules.

21: You just got flying privileges back, don't squander it by flying into battle out of formation blasting Fortunate Son again.

22: A steam-roller is not a weapon.

a. Is that a Jojo's reference?

b. Yes it worked, but the compensation we needed to pay the construction company for the steamroller you stole is coming out of your wages.

23: Yes Dartyxji do look a lot like dragons and breathe fire, But that does not make them "perfect props for Dungeons and Dragons"

a. On the note of DnD, I'm revoking your Dungeon Master privileges.

24: "Poggers" and "Pogchamp" was stale before it was even a thing, and now that it's literally several hundreds of years since it was a thing, It's not only stale but moldy and stinking up the place. stop.

a. Playing "Coffin dance" perfectly timed to when the ship explodes when we shoot their warp drive, however, is fair game.

b. If it isn't perfectly timed though, you're on toilet cleaning duty for a month.

25: Yes we're on a ship. Yes we have assigned tasks. Yes we call each other crewmates. No that does not imply someone is the imposter.

a. This is also an old as hell meme, stop before I call you sus and eject you personally.

b. Seriously, I'm a literal alien and I have fresher memes than you!

26: The Darckxzu are a race that happen to favour black clothes, that does not make them edge lords or scene.

a. Even if the males wear black eyeliner

b. Fine I see your point. Spiked collars is where I draw the line.

27: You are no longer allowed to interact with newly formed AIs.

a. Seriously, what were you thinking?

28: When a planet is glassed, It's very disrespectful to hold out a marshmallow on a stick while putting on sunglasses.

a. Yes I know it toasts them perfectly, and I can't argue with that, but still.

b. If you do decide to do this anyway though, at least hand out smores.

29: "For Narnia" is no longer an acceptable battle cry

30: You're a human, you require 8 hours of sleep for every 24 hours. As creepy as seeing humans sleep is, none of the crew want to see a sleep deprived gremlin with black rings around their eyes taking energy drinks like shots. Sleep dammit.

Part 4

I can't be bothered to keep typing up introductions. Damn you human, you have broken me.

31: If I hear the opening notes of the Jackass theme while you're piloting the ship I will personally revoke your flying privileges again and wrestle control from you in the time it takes for the song to start playing again.

a. You plus that music can't possibly end well.

32: While the human is second in command, if his orders sound questionable, you have permission to come to me to have the orders overruled.

a. Emphasis on the questionable, despite what these rule lists would have you believe, he's not a complete idiot

b. That being said, if he orders you to pull his finger, consider it a direct order from me for you to snap it in half like a fortune cookie.

33: Food is for eating. You are no longer allowed to initiate food-fights or do whatever monstrosity you committed in the rec-room.

a. you will be the one to clean that up, you know that right?

34: If there is a shenanigan, there is a rule against it.

35: If there is no rule for a shenanigan, then it will be made when you discover it.

36: If the human needs to ask, he's not allowed to do it

a. If he's not allowed to do it, strap into your seats folks!

b. I sell reinforced straps for this contingency if anyone's interested. They're selling well on the ship.

37: No pets allowed

a. "Fluffy" crewmembers do not count

b. Consenting or otherwise

38: The dress is blue and black and the audio says Laurel, FIGHT ME.

39: You are not allowed to distribute fake rule lists

a. I thought this was an obvious one.

b. If I catch you doing this again I will cover a planet in fake wanted posters with your face then abandon you there

40: For every rule you make me add in future, it's a day each of toilet cleaning duty, dishwashing duty, and Xrfraxja scrubbing duty (enjoy those slimy scales that shed weekly, releasing a mucus that's a deadly neurotoxin to humans) for a total of 3 days.

a. That last one will definitely take the full day, again, enjoy.

Part 5

Please stop...

41: You are not allowed to tell newly discovered intelligent species to download Raid Shadow Legends. It doesn't give the crew, the federation, your species, or you a good look.

a. It's not even a good game

42: You are now required to wash your towel every week or I swear I will suggest the Earth is in the way of an ideal FTL path so it gets destroyed.

a. Why do you carry that thing with you everywhere?

43: Stop trying to make me read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I already know all I need to know, I don't need a guide.

a. Also, is any guide you follow even that good?

44: pick your clothes up off the floor.

45: Also, clean up after yourself when you're done in the kitchen. even the cleaning bots are complaining and threatening to unionise.

46: The airlock is not a toilet.

a. or a bin

b. or a place to nap. seriously what is wrong with you?

47: Yes, Highway To Hell is a good song for flying into battle with. no that does not mean you need to play it on full volume over not only the intercom, but comms as well. It's really not professional.

48: When charging into battle, "Leeroy Jenkins" is no longer an acceptable battle cry.

49: T-posing is no longer allowed.

50: Yes, spooning is allowed when the ship's heating is down to help preserve heat. No that doesn't mean you get to say "You come here often?" at any point during the spooning. It just makes things awkward for everyone

a. In fact, no pickup lines during spooning, at all.

b. Consenting or otherwise.

Part 6

stop. im begging you

51: No longer allowed to urinate on objects to assert dominance

a. Or sentient or sapient species

b. Or non sentient or sapient species

c. No bacteria do not count

d. For gods sake man just don't piss on people it's not hard!

52: No longer allowed to open fire on anything to assert dominance

53: No longer allowed to T-pose to assert dominance

54: No longer allowed to yell to assert dominance

55: No longer allowed to start bar fights on diplomatic missions. I swear to god I will personally ensure you do not get diplomatic immunity for the next mission if you do it again

a. While you didn't start a bar fight, I'm still not going to get you diplomatic immunity again after that last stunt.

56: "Birthday suit is still a suit" was funny once, when it was just on the ship among the crew and it was your birthday. It wasn't funny, however, when we were on a diplomatic mission

a: And for the crew reading this, no that was not the stunt from the last rule. What the hell was the human thinking?

57: "Nuke it from orbit" isn't the answer

a. Ok I stand corrected

b. Still, it's an answer we reserve for very rare and severe circumstances.

58: Yes you are allowed to flirt with locals when off duty, but you find a motel if you plan to proceed beyond that.

a. How do you always find the loudest species?

59: No longer allowed to refer to crash landings as "fun landings"

a. Or landing shortcuts

b. Or "fun for the ladies" (gross)

c. Or "vomit club initiation"

60: No longer allowed to dress up as historical dictators including, but definitely not limited to: Stalin, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, or Mussolini

a. Especially not in public

Part 7

no more...

61: No longer allowed to tape a knife to a roomba, and attach an ID card with access to every room on the ship

a. Of course it's funny when only you're aware and have anti Stabby counter measures

b. Ok fine we can use this technique for pissing off enemies, but stop using it on the crew.

62: Must give me the recipe for those cookies you made

a. You put what in them?

b. No longer allowed to give food to the crew without disclosing the recipe!

63: No longer allowed to alter the settings of the artificial gravity without my permission

a. Yes floating around is fun, and exercising in high gravity environments is a good way to "get ripped" but still, the crew struggles to work when their gravity can change at a whim

64: Diplomatic immunity does not give you the right to park the ship in the middle of a road

a. Ok it does, but still it's just not a good look

b. I did not mean park it on the roof of a brothel!

65: No longer to intentionally engage the quaternary thrusters when flying past a gathering of people, those things are loud and can cause severe hearing damage.

a. While you did break this rule, I will make an exception, those discriminatory bastards had it coming.

66: No longer allowed to respond to SOS beacons by screaming "free loot"

a. Yes it is common for the entire crew to be dead, and the law doesn't prohibit looting the ships with dead crews but still.

67: Not allowed to make zombie sounds when investigating ships with dead crews under disease lockdown protocol X9-451-B, Xraxclka nearly had a heart attack in 13 of his 20 hearts, an had actual heart attacks in 5 of them!

68: Wearing a fursuit during peace negotiations can't end well

a. I stand corrected

69: The warp drive is not a tanning bed!

a. Are you trying to get radiation poisoning?

70: Fine, you can have a pet, but you must be the one to look after it

a. You can't make crew your pets!

b. consenting or otherwise!

c. you are no longer allowed a pet!

Part 8

This is getting old. Please stop.

71: No longer allowed to refer to kinetic bombardment as "giving the planet my rod"

a. No longer allowed to refer to kinetic bombardment as giving the planet anyone's rod

72: no longer allowed to rip off the " The Things Dr Bright Is Not Allowed To Do At The Foundation" list

a. Not allowed to rip off the "The 213 Things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the Army" list

b. I thought I wouldn't have to specify both. Why did I need to specify both?

73: Stop having staring contests with anyone who is Drytafkxyi, they don't even have eyelids to blink!

a. Also, humans look extremely creepy with red eyes where you can see the blood vessels. I hope to never need to see that again, refer to rule 30.

74: We have a full 5 years worth of emergency supplies on the ship for in the event we are stranded on a planet or in space. Keeping books on how to properly cook the meat of every species on the ship, while technically preparation, is just unnecessarily causing discomfort.

a. Also, we all as a crew decided you're going first, no hard feelings.

b. Yes it was a close vote between you and the cryflarxcva, no I won't do the vote again.

c. Also, as much as I hate to admit it... detailed and highly researched guides on preparation of your former fellow crew are a part of said emergency supplies... Though kept at the very bottom.

75: Must no longer show me "cool websites on the internet". The human internet is messed up... I've shed my eyes 30 times and the images I saw are still burned into them

76: No longer allowed to use a remix of George Carlin's "Greatest Cheer Ever" with Get Lucky by daft punk as battle music.

a. I have nothing against it, it's just that there's much better music to, as you would say, "blow shit up to".

77: No longer allowed caffeine.

a. Not only is it fatally toxic to every species on the ship except for you, but you nearly destroyed the ship flying straight through enemy fire. I'm surprised we didn't get hit once

78: No longer allowed to ask me to change the artificial gravity settings. I was weak...

a. yes it was fun, but the date you brought on the ship throwing up due to motion sickness ruined the moment

79: If you say "not it" when we're deciding who to make do an unpleasant task, I will do everything in my power to insure you are in fact it.

80: When people are jumping out of ships due to an emergency, it is unacceptable to "score the splat" by holding up scores.

a. If you encourage bets for this again I will put you right in front of the ship and FTL right into you. score that splat.

Part 9

Why are you like this?

81: No longer allowed to use the replicators to produce drugs you do not have a prescription for

a. No longer allowed to use the replicators to produce drugs

b. That was a bad idea. how did you think that was a good idea?

82: Please stop inverting the flight controls.

a. Please stop changing the flight controls.

83: Orbital drop protocol is to put on your "drop armour" and thrust pack, not to "put on protection and prepare to thrust".

84: Yes it is tradition in Federation ships that when it is decided we need to do an orbital drop the second in command is to run through the ship banging on walls and doors screaming "orbital drop" repeatedly to alert everyone to get ready. no that doesn't mean you get to scream out the other procedures.

85: drop armour does not need parachutes, in fact, it goes against it's purpose to get you down to the planet's surface from space faster than anything can reasonably shoot you down without any major damage being done to your body. There are shock absorbers built into the armour already.

86: No longer allowed to use the replicators to without supervision

a. You know what you did

b. Gradfaxclakaras no longer counts as supervision. I need to start writing a rules list for him too now, see what you did?.

87: No longer allowed to show anyone of the Darfarik species any scary movies.

a. You know how easily they get scared

b. Now one of our best negotiators can't sleep and has nightmares whenever they can

88: I just learned of something humans did called a mutiny. if you so much as consider it I will yeet you out the airlock

89: Due to your position, the federation will cover the cost of any augmentations you choose to get within reason, and in fact encourage it. Please get augmented in some way, my superiors are breathing down my neck.

a. I know it technically counts but I was hoping for something more impressive than adding an arsenal of low grade energy, laser, and plasma weapons to your genitalia. why do you need a plasma sword down there? let alone a plasma rifle!

b. So today I was just proven those augmentations were in fact useful when you escaped capture by the terfgakja. I wish to un-see it but I do stand corrected.

90: "Green is not a creative colour" is not a creative joke.

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x-silver-x · 3 years

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How to Predict Timing with Tarot

When performing the Celtic Cross, there are three positions that can reveal when the event will happen: The Advice, The Ultimate Outcome, and The Underworld. Acknowledge all these possibilities. But your intuition will tell you which is most likely.

THE MAJOR ARCANA

The Fool – Whenever you are ready

The Magician – It has already begun

The High Priestess – You know exactly when

The Empress – During harvest season

The Emperor – It is almost done

The Hierophant – It is finished

The Lovers – As soon as you make the choice

The Chariot – In just a few moments

Strength – The minute you accept it

The Hermit – Only after you meditate on it

The Wheel of Fortune – During your first or next Saturn Return

Justice – When you least expect it

The Hanged Man – When the circumstances change

Death – Whenever it is ready

Temperance – After the storm

The Devil – It is happening right now

The Tower – Soon, unexpectedly and suddenly

The Star – The more you believe, the sooner it will happen

The Moon – It cannot be determined at the moment

The Sun – In the summer or by sunrise

Judgement – Soon and inevitably

The World – In divine timing

THE MINOR ARCANA

THE SUIT OF WANDS

Ace of Wands – One day

Two of Wands – Two days

Three of Wands – Three days

Four of Wands – Four days

Five of Wands – Five days

Six of Wands – Six days

Seven of Wands – Seven days

Eight of Wands – Eight days

Nine of Wands – Nine days

Ten of Wands – Ten days

Page of Wands – As we speak

Knight of Wands – End of November to most of December

Queen of Wands – End of March to most of April

King of Wands – End of July to most of August

THE SUIT OF CUPS

Ace of Cups – One month

Two of Cups – Two months

Three of Cups – Three months

Four of Cups – Four months

Five of Cups – Five months

Six of Cups – Six months

Seven of Cups – Seven months

Eight of Cups – Eight months

Nine of Cups – Nine months

Ten of Cups – Ten months

Page of Cups – Very soon

Knight of Cups – End of February to most of March

Queen of Cups – End of June to most of July

King of Cups – End of October to most of November

THE SUIT OF SWORDS

Ace of Swords – One week

Two of Swords – Two weeks

Three of Swords – Three weeks

Four of Swords – Four weeks

Five of Swords – Five weeks

Six of Swords – Six weeks

Seven of Swords – Seven weeks

Eight of Swords – Eight weeks

Nine of Swords – Nine weeks

Ten of Swords – Ten weeks

Page of Swords – Now, behind the scenes

Knight of Swords – End of May to most of June

Queen of Swords – End of September to most of October

King of Swords – End of January to most of February

THE SUIT OF PENTACLES

Ace of Pentacles – One year or one season (3 months)

Two of Pentacles – Two years or two seasons (6 months)

Three of Pentacles – Three years or three seasons (9 months)

Four of Pentacles – Four years or four seasons (one year)

Five of Pentacles – Five years or five seasons (15 months)

Six of Pentacles – Six years or six seasons (18 months)

Seven of Pentacles – Seven years or seven seasons (21 months)

Eight of Pentacles – Eight years or eight seasons (2 years)

Nine of Pentacles – Nine years or nine seasons (2 years and 3 months)

Ten of Pentacles – Ten years or ten seasons (2 years and 6 months)

Page of Pentacles – It will take quite a while

Knight of Pentacles – End of August to most of September

Queen of Pentacles – End of December to most of January

King of Pentacles – End of April to most of May

To Help You Remember:

Wands are days, because they are fire, and fire moves fast.

Swords are weeks, because while a sword is quick to cut, it first requires some thinking on the warrior’s part.

Cups are months, because they are water, and water flows with the moon, which completes a cycle in roughly a month.

Pentacles are seasons to years, because they are seeds, and some seeds only require a season to grow while others need a year.

The timings for the Major Arcana and the Pages are related to the cards’ meanings. Once you know the meanings, you know the timings.

The Kings, Queens and Knights are the Zodiac signs’ birthdays:

King of Wands – Leo (Fixed Fire)

Queen of Wands – Aries (Cardinal Fire)

Knight of Wands – Sagittarius (Mutable Fire)

King of Cups – Scorpio (Fixed Water)

Queen of Cups – Cancer (Cardinal Water)

Knight of Cups – Pisces (Mutable Water)

King of Swords – Aquarius (Fixed Air)

Queen of Swords – Libra (Cardinal Air)

Knight of Swords – Gemini (Mutable Air)

King of Pentacles – Taurus (Fixed Earth)

Queen of Pentacles – Capricorn (Cardinal Earth)

Knight of Pentacles – Virgo (Mutable Earth)

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