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We looked inside some of the posts by xawkward-alchemistx and here's what we found interesting.
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I want to work through things I want to be loved and valued, I want her to want ME like I want her
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I wonder if she realizes shes actually being toxic and does it anyway. Or if she's just so caught up in the moment she doesnt realize that shes hurting me... Maybe im too needy but i feel fucking used.
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Love; a volatile emotion
When I was younger I often found myself longing to be loved, to know what love was, and what it meant. I had tried a few times, and while I found some things that felt like love I still dont know if I've ever truly experienced it. Most recently I got into what I consider to be my first relationship, and while it's been amazing, it has also been really taxing. Personally, it feels as though I'm more invested into the idea of us than she is. I feel like im fighting for her affection, as she would rather spend her free time with others. She makes spontaneous plans to go on trips and doesnt consider inviting me. I know shes keeping things from me I can just tell, but i fear bringing it up might cause her to push me away. I waa trying to make this sensible but now I'm just going to speak my mind. I'm too lonely to leave her even though I'm not getting enough of her love, she says shes still learning who she is but barely wants to share it with me. With my past, I have serious issues, and her actions aren't helping whatsoever. She wants a poly/open relationship, im super possessive and tend to get jealous which on top of this being my first relationship make that whole concept rather difficult. I asked her for some time so I could learn to trust her, she proceeds to tell me that she did something she explicitly told me she wouldnt do, which was get intimate with strangers. I mean she says they just kissed, after "falling asleep next to each other and waking up cuddling" but I dont trust it as she waited until i had eaten to tell me as if to gauge my reaction to something like that before telling me the full truth. Which hasnt happened. I may be assuming things because of my past traumas but this was a test that she failed, I'm not quite sure how to react mostly because I expected this. We are only a month in but she was three hundred miles away on our "anniversary". I dont know anymore, another thing thats really bugging me is last night shes asks if i wanted to hang out out with her. Me, clingy depressed boi missing his GF says hell yeah! Dont really make plans but we let the other know what we had to do today. Fast forward to today, she tells me when shes doing the stuff she said she was gonna do and when I ask her what shes up to she says shes gonna hang out with fkn jack and "make music" with no offer to join. This especially triggers my jealousy because she's often more enthused to see him than me, to the point where she'd rather hangout with him than me, after shes been gone for a week. She also told me shes going to fuck him, not that just wants to but she will make it happen. I appreciate the bluntness but I don't like the idea mostly because they click better. Honestly I should probably just let him have her and fucking give up with this shit because its not worth it. I wanted this relationship to help heal my heart not add nore stress to it. I seriously feel like she doesnt really want me, she just likes how much she can fuck with me. I legit feel like a you now that im saying this. I just dont wanna be lonely anymore, and while the times when I dont feel that way because im with her are great. I still do feel lonely when im with her sometimes, one because i can tell shes stressing on something she wont tell me and two because im almost always the last priority. I dont know a lot about relationships but i knkw this isnt how its supposed to be. Poly ones especially need to be built on a foundation of trust and honesty, and this foundation is shoddy as hell. Partially because I have trust issues and also because neither of us are truly being honest. This exasturbates my personal problems rather than soothes my mind because she failed my trust test and now I can trust her to not stick to her word. And that just hurts because I should be able to believe her when she says something...
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Random thought #6
I really need to stop fucking my friends.
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Random thought 5?
The first thing i want after waking up in the morningis cuddles. If i cant have cuddles which is generally the way it has been working out lately ill have coffee. #ificanthavearealhugillhaveahearthug
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Can't tell if i need a cuddle buddy, or a bullet to the head. Both sound amazing atm.
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Random thought #4
So i just realized not only am i a sexual masochist, I am also an emotional one. To extrapolate, I fall in love with people who have no mutual feelings anticipating it failing before it even buds. Thus feeding me negative thoughts and feeling for me to dwell on.
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Random thought #3?
I generally reply with much shorter texts than i originally type. Mostly due to the fact i overinduldge information to anyone who will listen, then instantly regret it. Probably one of the reasons i have a hard time maintaining a conversation.
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Fact #1
It doesnt matter if you look like a god, have a quality head on your shoulders, or know your way around words, whether it be jokes or compliments. If you dont click you have no chance.
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Random thought 2
Nipple piercings are fun and all but if they take ages to heal whats the point. Like why you got something right on ya nip that i cant play with, im tryna suck all up on them bitches but jf you aint bout it, it aint fun.
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Random thought #1
The songs you find while falling into/out of love are sone of the best youll hear.(Definitely not the first random thought but imma start numbering them now.)
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Its a well agreed fact that waking up one day to your partner not loving you anymore, but have ever thought what it would be like to be in those shoes? To suddenly wake from your slumber and dream at once? To have loved someone so much just the night before and the next day feel nothing for them. Does this actually happen, if so how. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. Like do i even really know what love is? Or is my concept of reality so skewed i can't even tell what i really feel?
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