xcorruptedgamesx

[xcorruptedgamesx]

I feel so many things. It’s weird that I can feel so happy and hopeful one day and the next I’m crying on the floor and having suicidal ideations. I can’t believe that I am a mom now. It puts a lot of pressure on me. But, I had so much pressure on me before. It’s not that I’m a new mom as much as I am a mom to an additional person, a human at that. I’ve always felt like a mom to my dogs and maybe even to myself or others. I hate that the house feel so tense. I crave love, I want to be surrounded by love and the feel good hormones. I crave connection, I crave a friend to just talk to you, another mom who understands. It was so nice to talk to Rebekka today and have her sit with me and validate everything that I’m going through. But I don’t want to depend on one person for that. Avery used to be able to reassure me that I’m a good mom but lately he’s just reassured me that I’m a bad mom. I miss him. I miss love. Sometimes it’s so hard to get through to him and he’s so angry. Diverting away from his feelings and the cause of them by watching angry TV shows and listening to hard rap music. There’s a part of me that thinks maybe I should be on medication, however, I’ve never wanted that for myself and I’m afraid to do that. I try so hard not to be like my mom. I feel heartbroken that she couldn’t come for Christmas because of her issues. I feel so sad about that. And before I could even finish grieving that, I started having feelings of being a terrible mom again, being a terrible person. My dog pooped in the house because I didn’t let her go outside long enough and then it causes tension in my relationship. I feel like I’m in a whirlwind I am not sure when I’m going to get out of it

[xcorruptedgamesx]

Stargazing

[xcorruptedgamesx]

[xcorruptedgamesx]

Love is kinda like a candle. Even if the flame is strong, it will always burn out because candles always have an end. A lot of times though the wind will blow the flame out before it gets to burn the whole candle.

[xcorruptedgamesx]

[xcorruptedgamesx]

What is love?

Is love different levels? From shallow love to deep love? The type of love that you know if it was taken away you would feel an ache in your soul. When is it safe to say “I love you” when do you know when love is different levels?

How many different types of love are there? Is love one emotion or is it many?

I’m not sure, but I know I love you.

Does love fade away? You know, the type of love that makes your soul ache when it’s taken away, does it ever go away? Will you ever go away?

[xcorruptedgamesx]

I miss you like the desert misses the rain. Maybe the rain will come but I know it will never stay.

[xcorruptedgamesx]

I watched the sunset without you. I missed you every second of it. I was wearing your shirt. I don’t know how we got here.

Why is our love so impossible?

Is what we have even love?

Love should be relentless, love should be stable, love should be sure, love should be promised.

Or maybe love is temporary, maybe love is not promised, maybe love is sunsets. And maybe you were just the best sunset I’ll ever see.

[xcorruptedgamesx]

I’d rather live my life waiting for you than live a life without you. It doesn’t really make sense to me...how the love we had felt so real, yet now it feels like it never existed. You left a hole in my heart. A deep, open wound that will never be healed. I’ll never get to know what it feels like to touch your skin, or to run my fingers through your hair and kiss your forehead. I think maybe that’s the hardest part of all, not being able to satisfy the needs that I wanted so badly, and that you said you wanted to.You gave up but at the same time you gave in. And I’m just left here with the bruises on my skin. 

[xcorruptedgamesx]

Hi again,

I haven’t been on here in awhile, I kind of feel regret for this.

It’s the end of the year and my deep ass is reflecting and re reading, rewatching videos, going through old pictures... life is just so fucking crazy.

I can’t believe how fast I change. It’s kind of scary, actually. Sometimes I feel afraid of myself. Sometimes I feel like i can trust others more than I can even trust myself. How does one moment feel like forever but the next feels like the end?

How do you want to be a dance so bad earlier this year but now at the end you want to be a dentist so bad? I guess it’s better to be choosing between two rather than one. I guess people left your life for a reason and your hip got injured for a reason as well as everything else, right?

I feel so lucky to have met Nu. I wanna spend the rest of my life with her. I hope I’m not lying to myself again. Am I actually lying though? Am I just stupid? I don’t know what each and every moment will hold next. I guess that’s the beauty in life.

I feel like I’m ready for love, like really true love. I’m ready for commitment and to build a family while I also build my career. I really want to make this my next biggest thing to overcome.

Last month when my best friend Christine visitied me, we went out. She told me at the end of the night hours before her flight that she could tell that I’m not happy, she can sense something. I realized in that moment that I don’t want to be single. I want to be partnered and partnered is what I’m meant to be. I have so much to give.

I’m grateful for all of this time that I have alone, as I’ve never had this much before. Being with my thoughts is a really hard, challenging, task that I feel I’m conquering. I feel grateful, so fucking grateful every day and for every thing and every person in my life. I feel like I’ve grown so much this year. My soul has ascended so high this year. I know it will continue to connect and grow but it’s just done a lot and I’m proud.

[xcorruptedgamesx]

There’s something about palm trees that I’ve always found so beautiful. Maybe it’s in their bright green leaves or the thinness of their trunks. So fragile looking, but strong enough to take on hurricanes and high winds. There’s something about their leaves. In how the old ones die off and hang behind while the new, more vibrant leaves shoot so strongly up towards the sky. The old leaves are there, they’re never forgotten but the trees still stand tall, and strong, and new.

[xcorruptedgamesx]

Court

I’m begging her. Please come back Ashley please. She went back into this hole please come out

[xcorruptedgamesx]

I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don’t, I almost do

[xcorruptedgamesx]

There is good in every moment.

As I was growing up all I ever thought about every single moment of my life is "I cant wait to turn 18 and move out and go live my dance dream, I'll make a big career and I'll be in the entertainment industry and I'll be in New York and then I'll move to LA" and when that didnt happen like that I felt disappointment and regret for not making my teenage years more enjoyable or just being more happy. Same thing when I moved out of New York I felt upset that I didnt make the most of it there, i wasnt continually happy or enjoying life and that was all in my control....

People always stay tomorrow isnt promised and we never really think too deeply about that, but if you really think about it, it is so true. You cant focus on the future every day because one day the future will come. It will come I promise lol and when it does, it will all hit you that you reached what you wanted and you'll feel regret for waiting until that moment to feel happiness.

These are all just lessons I've learned from all my experiences, and I personally just know that whatever I decide to do whether that is dance or dentistry or something else in the entertainment industry I will successful at it and I will be happy with it because I am happy with every day of my life. If you just know that you'll get what you wanted and what you dreamed of, there is no need for the emotions of impatience and no need for "I cant wait until I get there" there is only a need for emotions of calmness and relaxation because you already know you'll get there. So why not just be happy in this moment and every moment forward?

[xcorruptedgamesx]

You were the happiest times of my life

[xcorruptedgamesx]

When we're learning to walk, we fall, but its obligated that you'll walk and eventually you'll run, and then one day, you won't fall again.

[xcorruptedgamesx]

I'm in two different worlds