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[xei-xyo]

Batfamily headcannons but as shit my brothers, dad and I do and have said: ___

Jason: So, when really thinking about it, out of all the league members, Wonder Woman is the best

Tim: Jay, wha-

Jason: *still talking about wonder woman while getting up and grabbing a knife in the kitchen and sitting with it for no reason*

Tim: Yeah... uhm sure *slowly backs away*

Jason: *Pauses - notices Tim backing away, the knife in his hand and the lime he had picked up in his other hand*

Jason:

Tim:

Jason: >:) *starts creepily following Tim while slowly cutting the lime*

Tim: Dick! Jason is threatening me!

___

*in the airport, in line to board the plane*

Bruce: *turns too his hoard of children and very much unplanned says* Remember, Keep it secret...

Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian, and any other child: Keep it safe.

(they had watched lord of the rings two days prior)

___

Tim: I can scream louder

Damian: No, I can

Tim and Damian: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tim: wait, lets harmonize

Tim and Damian: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *But now it's pretty*

Jason from somewhere upstairs: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

___

Dick: Jason can do a really good Pigeon impression, Jason go

Jason: what no, why would I- *proceeds to do a perfect pigeon impression*

Jason: But when I went to france they sounded different so it was more like *proceeds to do perfect pigeon impression with apparently a french accent*

Dick: See?!

Random Gala person: What the hell?

___

Damian: I have a crush.

Jason and Tim: WHAT?!

Damian: Yes, it is normal, now, do not tell Grayson

Tim: Why?

Damian: Because I'm going to taunt him for the next month that I have something big to tell him but that I shouldn't

Jason: You're mean and I love it.

Tim: I thought Dick was your favorite?

Damian: Exactly which means I must treat him as a brother should through sheer annoyance.

*later*

Dick: Dammmiiiiii it's been weeks, come on!!

Jason and Tim smirking: Honestly it's huge news Dick but he probably shouldn't say anything.

Dick: wait..... YOU GUYS KNOW??? WHAT IS IT???

Jason, Tim, and Damian: >:)

___

Enjoy me imparting my families chaos upon their's

[xei-xyo]

the only acceptable usage of ai is in the DCU and it’s just the batkids using ai to fake patrol reports so that they don’t have to do it themselves, and Bruce is endlessly confused as to how odd these fucking reports are sounding. it ends up just being a game to them—seeing how far they can go before they get clocked by the big man. Damian and Tim are using bat ‘character ai’ sites to make up play-by-plays of fights. Jason and Dick are going one step further and handing in ai generated ‘body cam’ footage of fights so they can edit out injuries they receive (or kills they hand out, in Jason’s case)

they finally get caught when some of the footage Jason hands in is needed for a Justice League mission and Bruce shows it to them during a meeting. Diana bits her lip and awkwardly puts her hand up. “…uhm. Batman?”

“Yes, Wonder Woman?”

“Why does one of those criminals have eight fingers?”

Bruce slowly turns to the screen, zooming in on the obvious ai glitch. he stares. he continues to stare. slowly, dangerously, he turns to Nightwing.

Dick, who is desperately ducking his head down behind his glass of water, avoiding eye contact and obviously struggling to hold in his laughter, refuses to respond.

“Nightwing.”

Dick squeaks, gulping down his water.

“Dick.”

Batman never lives it down. when Dick tells the rest of the kids they laugh so hard that Damian gets a nose bleed and Bruce turns off the wifi out of spite.

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[xei-xyo]

I imagine Tim's favourite pokemon is Alakazam (click on the photo for better quality)

[xei-xyo]

Look, pal, when I say "fanfiction does not have the cultural reach to be able to change social perceptions of controversial topics"

what I mean is "if Game of Thrones could not manage to normalize incest, a handful of shipcest fics on AO3 with 50 kudos each sure aren't going to manage to normalize it!"

And you know that. In your heart you know it.

[xei-xyo]

I think people get the “Bruce dancing like a stripper in the Iceberg Lounge” situation all wrong. The batkids won’t die of embarrassment because that’s their dad. They’ll die of frustration because they will never, ever be able to make Bruce feel embarrassed about it.

Do you really think the man who would strip and bust it down for the secret identity has the capacity to feel shame? Exactly.

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Jason loves fucking with press members

Reporter outside Tim’s school: *holding mic* MISTER DRAKE WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR RECENT INDUCTION INTO THE WAYNE— Jason: *pops into frame* uh hey there reporter: Wha—who are you? Jason: *pouting* what, you don’t remember me, Sharon? We had a lovely conversation about how Batman is actually a robotic AI built by the government in order to deal with their bastard of a fuck up, Gotham city, under the table instead of the legal and long way Sharon: *memory swirly effect* *six years ago* baby Jason: and THATS why he’s got all the fucking sick-ass tech. It’s like, the fuckin’ CIA in his earpiece, and Lex Luthor himself is building his tech. Maybe that’s why Lex goes so hard on Superman but not Batman, you know? *snicker* maybe he and bats have a bit of a . . . workplace situation-ship, y’know what I mean? A horrified Sharon: sir, I just asked your thoughts on the Bat Jason: yeah, do I get a penny now? You know, “penny for your thoughts”? ‘Cause those were mine *present day* Jason: so how about that penny? Sharon: aren’t you fucking dead??? The cameraman five feet away: *sweatdrop*

[xei-xyo]

Jason loves fucking with press members

Reporter outside Tim’s school: *holding mic* MISTER DRAKE WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR RECENT INDUCTION INTO THE WAYNE— Jason: *pops into frame* uh hey there reporter: Wha—who are you? Jason: *pouting* what, you don’t remember me, Sharon? We had a lovely conversation about how Batman is actually a robotic AI built by the government in order to deal with their bastard of a fuck up, Gotham city, under the table instead of the legal and long way Sharon: *memory swirly effect* *six years ago* baby Jason: and THATS why he’s got all the fucking sick-ass tech. It’s like, the fuckin’ CIA in his earpiece, and Lex Luthor himself is building his tech. Maybe that’s why Lex goes so hard on Superman but not Batman, you know? *snicker* maybe he and bats have a bit of a . . . workplace situation-ship, y’know what I mean? A horrified Sharon: sir, I just asked your thoughts on the Bat Jason: yeah, do I get a penny now? You know, “penny for your thoughts”? ‘Cause those were mine *present day* Jason: so how about that penny? Sharon: aren’t you fucking dead??? The cameraman five feet away: *sweatdrop*

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Batman gets home after a long day of patrol to find one of his newest enemies, the murderous crime lord Red Hood, in his personal civilian office. he prepares to fight despite having taken off all of his gear back down in the cave, only for Red Hood to see him in the doorway and without hesitation, he takes off his helmet.

Jason Todd stares at him from across the desk, tears and snot streaming down his face, and Bruce freezes.

“I don’t know how to hook up the new dryer i bought for my apartment and now my landlord is asking for bank statements to prove i can pay rent and my wifi keeps fucking up and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WATER PRESSURE IS,” Jason wails, distraught and sobbing harder than Bruce has ever seen before. he fumbles, jaw dropping, as Jason swipes at his eyes, sniffing. “THIS ISN’T FAIR,” he cries wetly. “I DIED BEFORE I LEARNT ABOUT TAXES, WHAT THE FUCK IS A STOCKS ISA??!”

Bruce bites his lip, deciding to not show his slight amusement. “Oh, chum,” he empathises.

“THIS IS SO FUCKED UP.”

“I know, I know,” he soothes, holding his hands up in submission and carefully moving forward so he could place them comfortingly on Jason’s shoulder. did he know what was going on? absolutely the fuck not. was he going to question it and scare away his apparently-not-dead-son? absolutely the fuck not. “How about some warm milk and cookies, and then you can show me the files that confuse you?”

Jason sniffs. “…and then the dryer?”

“I can hook up your dryer, chum.”

“……I’m not gonna stop being a crime lord,” his son warns, shamelessly using Bruce’s sleeve to wipe away the snot dribbling down his lip. Bruce bits his lip again.

“Let’s not worry about that right now. One problem at a time.”

“I also own zero spoons.”

“There’s some in the kitchen you can steal.”

“…thanks, B.”

[xei-xyo]

an Iraqi gamer's beautiful review of Disco Elysium

[xei-xyo]

6 for creativity, -10 for flavour

[xei-xyo]

Flash: Ok, hold up. What?!

Nightwing: Red hood was a Robin too. What is so confusing about that?

Wonder Woman: It's just.... A lot of things make so much more sense now.

Nightwing: Like what?

Flash: Well, we did wonder who the first Robin was. But it being Red hood makes so much sense. The anger issues should have given it away really.

Nightwing: Huh?

Wonder Woman: It is quite obvious once you see it. It also explains why Batman gave you the role of Robin. I mean, i can only imagine how painful it must have been to watch your partner turn to a life of crime. So he replaced him with you. And I must say, it was a good choice. You were one of my favourite Robins so far.

Nightwing: Wait, wait, wait! You guys think I was the second Robin?

Flash: Well duh. You've always been this ball of sunshine. Just like the second Robin. And now with the hood being the angry first robin and Red robin being the genius third, we now know what happend to all of you.

Nightwing: I... Oh god, J's gonna fucking lose it if he figures out you guys think he's the oldest.

Wonder Woman: Pardon?

Nightwing: Doesn't matter. What does matter though is that Redhood isn't the first robin. I was!

Flash:

Wonder Woman:

Nightwing:

Flash: Now hold on now! That can't be right!

[xei-xyo]

“Despite everything, it’s still you.”

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Hi 👋 im trying out tumblr again after 7 years, nice to meet you!

[xei-xyo]

sooooo what do u think dicks reaction to Bruce being Batman was?

he handles it well

[xei-xyo]

Something I do to irritate my younger sibling is to just casually and intentionally get their age wrong, and I feel like that's something that the batfam would do to Damian. Such as:

The batfam is getting interviewed after a fight or something.

Reporter: Aren't you worried about Robin? He's a bit young to be fighting crime, isn't he?

Dick: Yeah, he may be four, but he's a tough kiddo.

Damian: I'm thirteen.

-

Damian: May I accompany you to the movies?

Dick: Aw sure, Damian!

Jason: They won't let him in.

Damian: Pardon?

Jason: It's a horror movie. You're like negative six years old. They won't let you in.

Damian: I will murder you.

-

Duke: Dude go to bed. It's way past your bedtime.

Damian: Your hypocrisy is infuriating.

Duke: There's a difference! I'm 17! You're still a growing three year old!

Damian: I'M NOT THREE!

[xei-xyo]

After patrol