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SOOooo this one won, and it's based in the fic made by @windyengel that's inspired by my post of Tim with birds. It's honestly a fic that I really really love, AND BECAUSE ITS MADE BY THIS QUEEN, SHE GAVE LIVE TO MY IDEA AND MADE IT BETTER KSKSKSKS

The complete image and link to the chapter:

Birds Of A Feather

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Dick: Okay, so with Bruce being on a mission with the Justice League, we need someone to be Batman.

Jason: So you just be Batman again

Damian: Actually, I strongly disagree with that arrangement

Tim: Don't tell me.... you think you should be Batman?

Damian: No, I'm aware I don't have the same attitude to be Father

Jason: really?... just the attitude?

Damian: I believe Cain should be Batman

Cassandra: Oh?

Dick: Umm.... Dami, I don't think-

Damian: Think about it. Grayson is too nice, Jason has way too much pent-up anger

Jason: Fuck you.

Damian: And well Drake is just..... Drake

Tim: Wow...

Damian: Cain is the only person who can match Father to a T.

Dick: There are many reasons why she can't be-

Jason: No, no, no, Dick. The demon child has a point

Dick: ..... um, okay then

(Later thar night)

Penguin: About time you showed up-

Cassandra (in Bat suit): You'll pay for your crimes

Penguin: ..... the hell am I looking at?

Robin: What?

Penguin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT? WHO IS THIS?

Red Hood: Batman, duh

Penguin: No, don't do that

Nightwing: Don't do what? This is Batman

Penguin: That's obviously a teenage girl

The Batkids: (gasps loudly and in sync)

Penguin: WHAT?!

Red Hood: How dare you assume his gender.

Robin: During Pride Month, too

Red Robin: (shaking his head) and here I thought you were an alley

Penguin: okay no just take me in

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De-aged Jason Todd and his morally-grey parental figures + Dick

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Interactions Bruce has had with an 8 year old Dick Grayson based on things I’ve said to my cat

***

Bruce, watching Dick scurry by with a guilty look on his face: Hey Dickie, what have you got there?

Dick, who has just shoved his hands in his pockets: Nothing

Bruce: show me your hands

Dick, who very clearly has something wiggling in his pockets but now has his hands shoved up in Bruce’s face: nothing! See?

Bruce: what’s in your pockets?

Bruce, now chasing Dick: WHAT IS IN YOUR POCKETS

Bruce, who just saw a lizard head poke out of Dick’s left pocket: DICK COME BACK HERE AND GIVE ME THE LIZARDS

***

Bruce, sleeping peacefully:

Dick, who is awake at the crack of dawn, now crawling over Bruce’s chest: BRUCE!

Bruce, who has just had the wind knocked out of him and now has all of Dick’s weight on his chest with one of Dick’s hands pressed to his windpipe: stop

Dick: BRUUUUCE!

Bruce: ITS NOT BREAKFAST TIME YET GO BACK TO BED

Dick, now hitting Bruce’s face: BRUUUUUUUCE!

Bruce, now wrapping his arms around Dick and rolling over so he’s smothered under the pillows: shhhhh bedtime

Dick, who’s voice is now very muffled under the comforter with his face smooshed in Bruce’s chest: bruuuuce

Bruce, moving one hand to the back of Dick’s head: ssshhh I can’t hear you until my alarm goes off

Dick, pathetically: bruce

Bruce, huffing and puffing and kicking the blankets off as he carries Dick out of bed: ugh FUCK fine I’m up IM UP we’ll go have a snack

Dick, looking quite pleased with himself: :)

***

Bruce, walking up behind where Dick is staring at something on the floor: whatcha looking at

Dick: bug

Bruce: oh, what’s it doing?

Dick: bug stuff

Bruce: oh, okay. Cool.

Dick, laying on his stomach and kicking his feet in the air:

Bruce: don’t eat it

Bruce, now sitting on the other side of the room, trying to actually get some work done: I mean it, Dick

Dick, still kicking his feet:

Bruce: don’t eat the bug Dick.

Bruce: make good choices

Dick, who is now poking at the bug, still kicking his feet:

Dick, who is now scampering out of the room:

Bruce, chasing after him: DICK

Bruce: SPIT IT OUT, DICK!

Bruce: THIS IS NOT A GOOD CHOICE, DICK

Bruce, who has now caught Dick around the middle: SPIT IT OUT

Dick, who is no longer having ANY fun, but spits it out into Bruce’s hand: :p

Bruce, who’s gagging at the wet bug in his palm: that was not a good choice, Dick. That was very very gross. Very yucky.

Dick, now scampering away into another room to probably do more stupid shit: :)

***

Bruce, walking by where Dick is sprawled out on a couch, sleeping in the most uncomfortable looking position: aww

Bruce: an angel

Dick, cracking one eye open: I’ll bite you if you move me

Bruce, still smiling: a sweet little baby

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Jason being immortal but it’s kinda like Klaus from the umbrella academy in the sense that he doesn’t fucking realise that he’s immortal. Damian is the only one who knows and it’s been pissing him off for YEARS that Jason won’t get with the fucking program.

the thing is, Jason never questioned what exactly woke him up back in that coffin. he was slightly distracted by dealing with the wood and dirt attempting to suffocate him back beyond the grave, and once he’d gotten free and was wandering around Gotham, he didn’t have the presence of mind to much but zombie-walk around until the league found him. after that? well he was too busy with training, annoying Ra’s, helping raise Damian, and just overall getting used to life without being Robin to think about the fact that he’d come back to life at one point.

Damian, on the other hand, clocked that Jason was immortal as a toddler when he watch his new older brother accidentally fall off a cliff during a ‘nature hike’ that was actually endurance training that Damian had been allowed to attend from a chest harness that, luckily, he hadn’t been inside of during the fall. he peered off the edge of the stomach clenching drop, sharp spikes littering the bottom, to see Jason un-skewer his shoulder from a rock and stand up to crack his neck, before casually calling up that he was fine and it was ‘just a little fall’. little Damian called bullshit.

things continued like that the entire time Jason spent at the league, and it pissed Damian off to no end that Jason kept walking off fatal injuries and absolutely REFUSE to believe that they were fatal. ‘i just have a high pain tolerance.’ ‘you got shot in the neck, ahki.’ ‘it skimmed me.’ ‘YOU DIED.’ ‘stop making up stories, demon brat.’ it’s driving the kid insane. the worst thing is he can’t even tell anyone else for fear that Ra’s gets a hold of the realisation and decides to use Jason in his research for finding better ways to prolong his lifespan.

Jason, bursting into Damian’s room in the early morning, spurting blood from an arrow wound to the chest: Dami- Dami- u- argk-

Damian, half asleep, watching blankly from bed as his brother bleeds out on his floor:

Damian:

Damian: *deep sigh*

-twenty minutes later, Jason wakes up on Damian’s floor completely healed-

Jason: …

Damian:

Jason: wow, sorry Dames, guess i drank too much last night and blacked out. didn’t mean to crash here.

Damian, unimpressed and holding an arrow: grandfather says you stopped an assasination attempt on my mother.

Jason: haha yeah, craaaazy night

Damian: get out.

Jason: -getting out.

eventually Damian heads to Gotham and, of course, his overprotective immortal brother follows soon after with the mission of building a crime empire, killing a clown, pissing of the fourth Robin at any opportunity, and infuriating the fuck out of Bruce Wayne. after a while the Red Hood gets his identity reveal, and gradual tentative truce, and Damian gets both of his families to be more or less on ok terms for once.

the issue is Jason is still really bad at staying alive. and the rest of the family is kind of sensitive to that specific thing. and Damian’s apathy is not appreciated. it takes them a while to figure everything out.

~

*all four batboys are captured by a rogue, Bruce on his way but they need to stall*

Rogue: and now, you will have to pick amongst yourselves who will DIE!

Jason and Dick, instantly: ME!

Damian, dryly: Red Hood.

Dick: ITS GOTTA BE M- Robin what the fuck

Damian: *shrugs*

Jason, so used to Damian being weirdly ok with his more dangerous activities he’s not even offended: YEAH SHOOT ME. I CAN TAKE IT!

Tim: no he can’t, don’t shoot him!

Damian: no, shoot him.

Tim and Dick: ROBIN!

Jason: bite me non-believers, i’m getting shot today-!

Damian: please do it quickly so he shuts up.

Rogue:

Rogue:

Rogue: the others told me the new Robin was fucked up but like i didn’t realise exactly how much-

~

Tim: me and Damian didn’t really get off on the right foot, on account of he kept trying to kill me.

Jason: ? so? that’s just what he does when you piss him off. he tries to kill me all the time.

Tim: ?

Jason: i called him a wanker last week so he shoved me off a building with no grapple. luckily the garbage can broke my fall and saved me haha!

Tim: ???

Damian, fully never wanted Tim dead and was instead so used to never having to worry about hurting Jason that he forgot that murder was actually fatal to his other brothers: yeah that’s my bad, Drake. it was instinct.

~

*Bruce walks into the batcave to see Jason, gunshot in his forehead, laying obviously deceased on the ground with Damian stood over him, nudging him with his foot and holding a gun.*

Bruce: oh my- oh my god, Jaylad no please-!

Damian: in my defence he told me the safety was off.

Bruce, crying: JASON PLEASE NOT AGAIN-

Damian: just give him like ten minutes

Bruce: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT- OH MY GOD HIS BRAIN’S ON THE BATCOMPUTER

Damian: again, not my fault.

Dick walking in: hey whats all the noi- LITTLEWING?!?!!

-

*ten minutes later, the family is sobbing and Damian is tapping his foot impatiently*

Jason: wooaaaaah, headache. …is everything ok?

Everyone else, devastatingly shocked:

Damian: i shot you in the head and you died again. they panicked.

Jason: ha-ha, funny as always brat. what’d you do, hit me with the butt of the gun or something?

Damian, turning to the others: it is a miracle he ever managed to get his GED.

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Ok ik this probably isn't real but what if Alfred thought it would be fine if he just gave Tim the suit and told him "go, be free, don't die or you're fired" bc he forgot kids don't usually fight martial arts or given Bat Training™ from a young age. Imagine:

Alfred: Go be the light in these dark times, son.

Tim: thank you. I will.

*15 minutes later*

Bruce, kicking down the door, holding Tim by the cape and dangling him like a scuffed cat: ALFRED WHAT THE HELL!

Alfred: Sir! That was mahogan-

Bruce: You can't just let him go out there! He didn't even know how to punch correctly!!!

Alfred: Whatever do you mean, he should have learned that by now.

Bruce:

Alfred:

Bruce: ... W h a t

Alfred: Young Mr. Drake should have learned by now several martial arts. I mean when you were 11, you-

Bruce, absolutely tired: Alfred.

Alfred: -And by 16 he'll be ready for aerial combat. When I enlisted, lying about my age, I took to the planes rather fast-

Bruce: ALFRED.

Alfred: Don't shout at me, Master Bruce, it's unbecoming. What is it?

Bruce, holding up Tim higher to be in Alfred's line of sight and gesturing vaguely at the small child: HE DOESN'T KNOW COMBAT. HE'S NORMAL.

Alfred: Normal? What do yo- oooooohhhhhhhhhhh

Bruce: YEAH. 'OH' IS RIGHT!!!

Alfred: ... What did I just say about shouting? It's unseemly, Master Bruce.

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love to think about dick and jaybin brotherism if it was in the modern era. here’s a scene i’ve been rotating in my head:

*on a road trip for some reason*

dick (18): i’m gonna stop at the 7-11 up here, you want anything?

jason (13): yeah, a pack of marlboros

dick: smoking kills, you know

jason: and those zyns destroy your gums

dick: that’s different, i’m eighteen

jason: still not old enough to buy those things, you’ve got a fake id

dick: so what?

jason: do you think bruce’d be happy to know you buy drugs and alcohol with a fake id?

dick: bruce isn’t the boss of me

jason: he’s the boss of me, and you’re a bad influence. what would he say if i told him there were drugs in your car?

dick: there aren’t drugs in my car

jason, pulling a baggie of weed from his pocket and shoving it in the glove box: there are now

dick: …you’re getting lucky strikes, they’re cheaper

jason: YOUR DAD IS A BILLIONAIRE

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god im infected by that posting style that's like "posting about my thing #my thing" i just got back to my apartment and my first thought had to go and formulate itself as damn im so sleepy i haven't even had my tea #mytea

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actually can we have Tim not being adopted into the batfamily and instead after his parents go broke and then die leaving him with nothing he just decides ‘well i know where the batcave is’ and starts living in the tunnels underneath Wayne manor because of the logic that he can’t get kicked out bcs 1. squatters rights and 2. whats Bruce gonna do? call the police and say ‘this guy won’t leave my secret lair. no im not Batman wdym’? and he manages to go unnoticed for like. a good fucking while. not even Alfred realises bcs wtf would he be snooping around down there for?

even better is this happens after Jason dies so Tim still becomes Robin and Bruce is so overwhelmed with grief that he literally never realises that Tim has never once used the front door to come over. he just kinda sneaks up from somewhere in the cave. he assumes that Alfred’s letting the kid in without telling him. Alfred assumes Bruce is doing the same.

Damian finds out first because that’s so much funnier. he gets to Gotham to 1. gain his birthright and meet his father and 2. do some reconnaissance/avenging of this replacement Robin that’s been the centre of Jason’s angry rants at the league for the past 6 months. he follows Tim ‘home’ and finds him fucking. golluming it up a 15 minute hike through the cave system and he’s like. wait what.

Damian, reporting back to Jason: Drake is a mole.

Jason, vindicated: like he’s working for the enemy?!

Damian, standing in front of an indignant Tim in the middle of his ‘camp’, phone pressed to his ear: no like he lives in a fucking tunnel.

Jason:

Tim, mumbling: slightly harsh,

Damian, angling his face away from the phone momentarily: i watched you dig a hole to unearth the protein bars you’d buried there.

Tim:

Jason, rapidly changing his opinion on this kid: ok actually lets not kill him because thats fucking hysterical and i want to know more-

Tim really likes living alone in the tunnels because he’s a weird little guy and he’s gotten used to the independence and lack of sun, and Damian grew up in the league where ‘wilderness training’ was monthly, mandatory, and from the age of three. so he really doesn’t see the issue in it. he just kinda shrugs and accepts his brother lives in the cave system. Jason is so delighted and amused by the vibes these two kids have going on over in Gotham (he gets video calls from Damian just. in Tim’s camp while they hang out together sometimes. Damian brings him water bottles and various sustenance offerings like he’s appealing so some ancient deity living under their house. Jason thinks it’s incredible) that he decides fuck the league, he needs to see this in person. killing the Joker is a side quest he did on the way; he really only came to see what his idiot little brothers had going on under Bruce, Dick and Alfreds nose. he visits Tim’s little cave home while waiting for his new Crime Alley apartment to be ready.

eventually Bruce and Dick are working on a case and they’re following a lead to do with a criminal escaping via cave systems that they theorise may connect to the batcave, so after Damian’s gone to bed they suit up and start searching around. they come across Damian, Tim, and the fucking Red Hood chilling around a small fire just casually eating leftovers Damian snuck down from the kitchen, just quietly enjoying each others presence in this clearly years old campsite, quietly discussing whether or not the weather will be clear enough next week to go to the new art museum together. Dick shines a flashlight at them and they all snap to attention like that scene in ratatouille where the human comes in the kitchen and the rats all freeze and look up. nobody says anything for a solid three minutes.

eventually Tim is just like “I have squatters rights. you can’t evict me.” and Red Hood nods and points at him.

Bruce, desperate to gain some kind of thread of understanding here: “Damian, you’re supposed to be in bed. …Tim, I’m actually not sure where you’re supposed to be, come to think of it, but I don’t think it’s here.”

“He just said he has squatters rights, father.” Damian responds instantly. “Keep up.”

Dick: “And does the Red Hood have squatters rights?”

“I have a gun,” Jason points out cheerfully. “Same thing, ain’t it?”

Dick and Bruce are so confused they become convinced that they’ve been dosed with something and only figure out whats going on after putting on gas masks and testing everybody’s blood.

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But I think it would be so funny if, because Dick was so young when Bruce took him in, that so many people forget that Dick isn’t Bruce’s biological child. Like once Dick is older than say 16/17, most interviewers and reporters and journalists drop the “adopted” part of “adopted son,” and sometimes they might even comment on how much Dick looks like Bruce, how similar they both are.

And maybe sometimes Dick and Bruce even forget. Like Dick knows Bruce isn’t his biological dad, but maybe he thinks of his parents as like “mom and first dad” and Bruce is “second dad” and he sort of forgets that he’s not actually related to Bruce.

Bruce knows that most of kids are adopted. But the others were all older when Bruce first took them in (maybe they were all at least 13, so already in their teens) but Dick was an itty bitty little thing. He was only 8. And he didn’t go to school at first when Bruce took him in, because he had been home schooled and he’d been nervous about going to a normal school, so Bruce didn’t make him start going to Gotham Academy until the following Fall, and even then he was only in the third grade. Practically a baby.

Maybe when Dick is in his 20s, he and his siblings are being interviewed before a gala. And something comes up about being adopted, and the others all say their bits, but then when the interviewer turns to Dick, he’s just chilling with his arm around Damian, and he looks at the interviewer like he’s waiting for the next question. And maybe the interviewer is looking at his notes, looking for the next question, and Jason elbows Dick in the ribs and just says, “Dickface, don’t you have anything to add?”

And Dick hisses and swats Jason’s arm in retaliation, but he looks confused. And then he just, “Oh, I’m adopted too! I forgot lmao” and all of his siblings are so confused at how he can forget that, but Dick just smiles and chats with the interviewer (who’s looking very sheepish bc he also forgot). The only one who doesn’t look baffled is Damian, because Damian firmly believes that if any of his siblings turn out to secretly be his blood sibling, it will be Dick. He maybe sort of hopes it will happen sometimes.

Maybe when they’re around the Justice League as Batman and Nightwing, a newer member might ask how old Batman was when Nightwing was born. And they both sort of blue screen for a minute before Dick laughs and says, “oh, that’s right, I’m adopted! He’s only like 15 years older than me, give or take.”

“Don’t you dare age me,” Bruce hisses. “I’m only 14 years older than you.”

Dick just snorts at him. The other JL member looks so startled that Batman seems to actually have a sense of humor.

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Batfam Family Dinner except it's:

Bruce - Refuses to admit he needs glasses so can't refer to any of his children without the chance of getting the wrong name

Dick - Often goes nonverbal (I don't know whose headcanon this is but I love it)

Cass - Still learning to speak or also often nonverbal

Jason - Is upset with Bruce and is giving him, and by extension everyone else,the silent treatment

Tim - So locked in on figuring out a case that he has been fully out of it for 2 days

Duke - Thinks he's missing out on something, or that this is some weird sort of training and doesn’t want to be the first to speak

Damian - Is beta reading Tim's Bruce Wayne/Batman fic under the table (he's only doing it because Bruce said he wasn't allowed to adopt all the ducks at the park)

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Over the years, the batfam has slowly noticed, why exactly Dick's mom had nicknamed him robin. Ofcourse he was born on the first day of spring and is always flitting about, but there's more...robin-like traits that have long since cemented his original robin status

Bruce, rushing to check up on his newly adopted child, Dick, who just walked into a glass door with eyes wide open: Chum? Why did you just walk into glass?

Dick: What glass?

Bruce: I-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason, watching teen, newly discowing!Dick pack up his stuff to move out: Why do you have that hoard?

Dick, shoving his collection of shiny objects, including but not limited to, pins, buttons, spoons, forks, medals and trophies, into a bag: What hoard?

Jason:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim, traumatized after having seen Dick dance in front of Barbara at a ball: Why would you willingly do that? Was that a mating dance?

Dick: A what? I'm not a bird, Tim

Tim: ok

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian, looking disgruntled as Dick spoonfeeds him some porridge: Why must you insist on this, Richard? I am 10, not 4

Dick: But you work so hard for patrol and school everyday!

Documentary playing in the background: And the Mama Bird will feed it's chick until it is big enough to hunt on it own....

Damian: ...

Damian: Tt. Fine, you may.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Duke, on a rare night patrol, batting Batman!Dick away after the fifth time he tried to cover him with his cape: Dude quit it

Dick: But you're vulnerable at night because of your suit!

Duke, suddenly remembering how birds will try to cover their chicks with their wings to keep them safe: I owe tim so many churros

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And also, ofcourse, the many, many times Bruce has seen them all huddling together around Dick like they actually are robin chicks huddling around a robin mama

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phineas and ferb quarantine episode where candace is convinced that this time her mom will see what the boys are doing because nobody can even leave the house but somehow linda is always in the wrong room

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they dont tell you this but like half of adulthood is just washing the same FUCKING pan

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no animal was harmed during the making of this video. not one. for the few minutes that we were shooting film, the guns of each hunter fell silent. the industrial bolt throwers observed a moment's peace and the jaws of every predator hung softly open. no fish bit any hook and the bait worms held off on drowning only until the cameras stopped. the tails of ruminants ceased to flick just as their attendant flies, in unison, landed on their flanks to catch their tiny breaths. a spider instantly stopped winding silk around a wasp, patiently waiting for the caesura to end. a young veterinarian paused with the syringe in their hand. somewhere, a colicky baby stopped biting its mother's nipple and nursed happily for the very first time. we're sorry. we're sorry it couldn't have been longer. we didn't know this would happen.

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villain: who are you?

bruce: I am batman––

baby-dick: *appearing out of nowhere* and I am hungry.

bruce: ...

villain: ...

baby-dick: can we get mcdonalds after this?