xenwritings

[xenwritings]

Better Than You [KDY P.4]

NCT Doyoung college au

fluff, maybe angst, insecurities, reader has low social battery, softboydoie!

Doyoung has yet to text you back and you think to yourself how much of an idiot you were to get your hopes up. You force your eyes shut and try to fall asleep. The next morning there is still no reply and you sigh deeply before dragging yourself out of bed.

"Good morning there!" Johnny exclaims from the dining table. It was always funny to you that he always propped himself at the table with his morning cup of coffee as if he was already middle aged. You barely grumble at him as you immediately pass him to the kitchen. "I assume you are going to say no to my next question is then." He laughs. You give him a small glare before he asks "The guys want to go on a day trip today...we're taking the train to Daejeon and I want you to come with us."

"That wasn't a question John..." you blink at him. He always made fun of you for being so direct. But this was one of those things that only people close to you would get.

"Okay Okay." He puts his hands up in defense. "Will you please come with my friends and I to try this café that Taeil has been raving about?"

"You're taking a 2 hour train ride to go to a cafe?" you judge.

"Okay first of all...." He says before you can continue to judge. "Hour and a half. maybe. But yes that's what we do. We make dumb decisions and do random crap because we can and because it's fun!"

You give him a skeptical look before sighing. He internally celebrates knowing that your deep sighs usually meant you were going to agree with him. You roll your eyes at him knowing he felt proud of himself for winning. You walk back towards your bedroom knowing you would need to stand in front of the mirror to hype yourself up for at least 15 minutes. "Fine." You call out behind you.

"YES! You won't be disappointed!! The guys are meeting here in an hour."

-

You were right - you did need to sit in front of your sink and stare into your own eyes to try and talk yourself into the idea of actually leaving the house on a Saturday. Everyone was always out on Saturdays...the city was busy, the stores were busy. All it did was remind you of how little you were in this big world. You were just some number on a list. A face in the crowd. You could hear the boys slowly start to pile into the flat and decided that you should suck it up and actually push yourself today. Walking into the common room you immediately find Doyoung. He was glowing in the room full of men. Which you haven't noticed before so you shook off the idea that Doyoung could be anything but your brother's friend.

"Okay so I sucked it up and I texted her first." Jaehyun says to the group.

"I hope she ghosts your ass." Taeil pokes fun which only earns a frown from Jaehyun.

"Seriously dude it's been like maybe a week...." Yuta sighs. "Wouldn't it be easier to just find a different chick?"

"This girl is different Yuta!" Jaehyun exclaims.

"Yeah yeah yeah. You always say that. My turn ok," Yuta dismisses the dimple-faced man "How do I confess to a girl that really only sees me as a friend?" Collective groans are heard that the change of subject.

"Wow is it really only girls that you guys talk about?" You let slip from your mouth. Suddenly all eyes are on you and you almost consider retreating back to your room. But then Taeyong chimes in and says

"She is right, we have been kind of girl driven lately...." Your cheeks feel hot as everyone was still staring you down.

"Sorry I didn't mean it that way. I guess I just meant I haven't heard any wild stories lately from you all." you pander.

"Yeah ever since Mark got a girlfriend the boys are jealous." Taeil adds.

"Mark has a girlfriend?" You question walking closer to the couches to join them. Their eyes move around looking at each other as this is the most any of them have really heard you speak, let alone you are joining them on the couches??? to continue conversation???

"Yeah super cute and all but I'm serious guys, Trap has only ever seen me as a friend and I'm really starting to go crazy here!" Yuta attempts steering the conversation again.

"Dude!" Taeyong smacks his arm.

"Oh sorry guys I forgot to tell you that my sister is coming with us." Johnny walks into the room with slightly puffy eyes. You give him a weird look as you examine the rest of his face but he gives you a quick shake of the head to dismiss you. The walk to the train station is only hectic. Trying to round up all of these boys was very stressful when they were constantly getting side tracked and distracted by anything they passed by. You tried your best to slow your pace to stick with your brother but he stayed at the back of the herd and Jungwoo had already decided that he was your new best friend.

You knew exactly what happened but couldn't bring yourself to verbalize it to your brother. They broke up. You knew he wouldn't have the heart to tell you because he didn't want you to worry about him. Maybe it ran in the family.

"What's got you so caught up in your own head?" you hear Doyoung's voice. Immediately you turn to him and your eyes meet. Your chest flutters for a second.

"Nothing, just worried about my brother...I guess." Your eyes linger on each other.

"I'm sure he'll tell you when he's ready." He smiles at you, eyes still in yours. "Did you want to sit by me on the train?" You nod silently hypnotized by his gaze.

-

The ride to Daejeon was not so hectic as most of the boys dozed off on each other. Your eyes were also starting to feel droopy about 20 minutes into the ride. You were still unsure about how you felt about Doyoung. But it was hard to keep your thoughts down when he was sitting so close to you. All you knew was sitting in silence next to him felt comfortable. The most comfortable you had felt in years. You let your head fall to his shoulder as your eyes shut.

"Thursday sounds great, it's a date." That was the last thing your heard before you let sleep come over your body.

-

The rest of the trip was fun like your brother said it would be. Is this what it was like to have people in your life that cared? The boys made you laugh way harder than you ever had before. Taeyong was constantly checking on you to make sure you were comfortable. Jungwoo made you spit water cracking up. Yuta was still asking how to confess to a girl. Which you responded to just be direct and left him dumbfounded. But it made the boys laugh. Johnny continued to be mostly quiet during the whole ordeal.

"Your sister is really funny!" Taeil says to Johnny. Which makes him smile because this is the first time he's seen you glow like this since high school.

-

"What happened?" You stand at the door of Johnny's bedroom. He lightly chuckles at your question. Thinking it was backwards of you to check on him when he is the one checking on you all the time.

"We just decided that we weren't compatible. Mutual technically. But it still sucks." He says with his head hanging. You walk yourself over to his bed to sit next to him.

"I'm sorry..." you say softly. Mostly because you didn't know what else you could say, Johnny always knew what to say to you. "I'm sorry that this is the hand you were dealt. I'm sure this is rich coming from me but I think it would do you some good to be alone and focus on yourself. You have done so much for me already. I want you to do the same for you..." He hugs you tightly which is weird for a second because you two don't usually show affection. But it's nice. You feel closer to him.

-

You didn’t want to admit it, but texting him every night was making you happier than you had been in a long time. Doyoung made lame jokes but you would still find yourself giggling or laughing at them. He learned about your favorite childhood memories with Johnny and you learned about his fear of animals. The two of you would stay up late texting but he would still send you a good morning text.

But come Thursday and you were still nervous. Doyoung has been friends with Johnny for years now, why all of a sudden the interest in you? Were you just passing entertainment for him? 

“Hey, what’s on your mind?” Johnny pushed your door open.

“What? What do you mean?” You say confused.

“You had your intense thinking face on.” He sits on your bed. You sigh. “Oh it’s about Doyoung?”

“What?”

“He told me you guys were going on a date tonight.” He says casually.

“He called it a date?” You spring into your closet, ten times more concerned than before.

“I mean I think so? And that you two have been talking a lot.”

“Oh, I mean yeah I guess so.”

“HA! It is so a date!” He starts laughing. “WAIT. Does that mean-?”

“Fashion show?” You turn and look at him from your closet.

“YES. FASHION SHOW OH MAN we haven’t done this in years! FASHION SHOW FASHION SHOW FASHION SHOW” He claps excitedly chanting. Fashion show was usually one of you trying on a bunch of clothes in various outfits for the other person. It was a fun tradition that Johnny started in order to hype you up, or if he was the one dressing up it was mostly to make you laugh. Your happiness was just as important to him as his own happiness.

You and Johnny spent about an hour and a half trying to pick out the perfect outfit. The past week hadn't been the easiest for Johnny as he was going through his breakup. But you knew that his was of feeling better was helping others.

-

“Johnny...” You turn to look at him one last time before you leave the apartment. 

“It’s gonna be fine.” He says to you from the couch.

“No, but like. Is this real?” You say to him.

“What do you mean?” He gets up to walk towards where you are.

“like, am I fooling myself? Am I just building this up just because Doyoung is the only person to show any interest in me in 2 years?”

“Y/N.” Johnny holds your shoulders. “You should take a deep breath. Doyoung is a nice guy. No matter how it ends up you’re going to be just fine. I promise.”

“Thanks Johnny.” You say before heading out.

-

When you got back to the apartment you couldn’t even find yourself to look Johnny in the eye.

“Hey, how was it?” Johnny says to you. But you quickly walk past him and into your room, closing your door swiftly. Johnny sighs and goes to lock the door  of the apartment. Before he could reach the door he heard a loud knock. He opened it without looking through the peephole. “Doyoung? What are you doing here?”

“Where is Y/N?” Doyoung gasped for air after running to your apartment. 

“She is in her room, I don’t think she wants to see anyone. What happened?” Johnny asked him quickly.

“I accidentally stood her up.”

“Dude, what?” Johnny responded quickly.

“Okay, but let me explain.” Doyoung says after catching his breath. “You know how I’ve been working on my capstone project? I finally got somewhere with it in the lab today. I was so excited. Meeting up with Y/N just slipped my mind.”

“I’m not the one you should be explaining this to, Doyoung.” Johnny says walking back to the couch slightly disappointed in his friend.

-

Doyoung knocks on your door and you reply asking for Johnny to leave you alone. He opens your door slowly.

“It’s not Johnny.” he says softly. You sit up from your laying position and look at him through your slightly puffy eyes. “Hi.”

“What do you want?” you question him.

“I wanted to see you.” He says he holds up a new sweatshirt, this time blue. “And I was also going to exchange if you wanted.” You want so badly to be upset at him. But you were more upset at yourself. You did build it up to be something more than it was. Doyoung was just being nice to you. You hated yourself for developing a crush on him when he was just trying to be nice to you.

“It’s fine. You can take the other one.” you stay put on your bed pointing to the yellow sweater hanging on your desk chair. “I don’t want either of them.” you lied.

“Oh,” Doyoung says slightly defeated. He goes to grab the yellow sweatshirt. “Can we talk?”

“I have nothing to say to you.” You lay back down under your covers and flip over so you can’t see him anymore.

“I’m sorry I stood you up. I finally got somewhere with my capstone project and it slipped my mind. But don’t think for a second that I didn’t want to spend time with you. Please give me another chance.” He pleaded. You turn yourself to look at him and he looked like a kicked bunny. You weren’t very sure what you were going to do.

“Please just leave Doyoung.” He sighs and grabs his yellow sweatshirt. He quickly glances at you as you were looking away from him. He slowly replaces it with his blue one and leaves your room quietly.

-

“Johnny. Can I ask you something?” Doyoung says before he reaches the door. He turns to Johnny who is still perched on the couch.

“Is it about my sister?” he says. Doyoung just nods. “Sit down.” Johnny points at the couch. Doyoung obeys and sits. “I know what you’re going to ask me.”

“You do?” 

“Only if you’re serious about my sister.” 

“I am.” Doyoung says quickly. “I really am.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you-”

“Johnny.” Doyoung says seriously. “I haven’t known her for long, but when I talk to her-” He pauses and Johnny fiddles with his phone in his hands. “It’s like it’s just the two of us in the world. She is so kind and honest.” 

“Doyoung.” Johnny stops him. “In high school she started dating this one guy, who I did not like but I wanted to support her. He was a complete ass. But my sister was in love with him. It's not really my story to tell. Just know I hated that guy and that she's been through a lot." Doyoung sits in silence with his friend thinking about you. "She's a tough shell but for good reason. If you are serious...don't give up."

Doyoung left the flat that night confused. Should he give up? I mean things shouldn't be this difficult. What was he even trying to get out of this? He always wondered about you and why you didn't come around. He wanted to sit in your bed and watch anime all night with you. He wanted to be the reason you blushed and wanted all of his sweaters to smell like you from wearing them. The past week texting you was amazing for him. You are kind and silly. You are smart and funny. He wanted the world to know how brilliant and beautiful you are. He also wanted to protect you from anyone who thought differently. Hearing that there was anyone ever that had made you feel differently about yourself made his blood boil. He had decided.

Doyoung was not going to give up.

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 |

[xenwritings]

This City [Taeyong Drabble]

I’ve been seeing lonely people in crowded rooms.

You’ve been here for years now. All this city has brought you is heartbreak and insomnia. You’re sitting in a cafe drinking a latte that is already cold and staring out the window to the restaurant across the street.

Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong? 

Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like you are. You are sitting in a rustic cafe watching the love of your life feed someone else cake. You had the itching feeling that he was cheating a few months ago. He would cut dates short or just wouldn’t show up to them. He was distracted. Too distracted to pay attention to your relationship falling apart.

This city is gonna break my heart.

You’re still in the same city 4 months after your breakup with Taeyong. He lives here with his current partner. You can’t find yourself to move out of the city. In the hopes that he breaks up with his partner just for you. Maybe he will come back to you. You hope and pray and wish that he will.

He’s always gonna break your heart.

[xenwritings]

Better Than You [Doyoung p.3]

Under the cut

It’s only been a few days since you last saw Doyoung. You honestly hated yourself so much. Johnny has been silently encouraging you because he knew you weren’t ready to talk yet. Which really only made you feel worse.

“Hey, just a heads up the guys are coming over later.” Johnny pokes his head through the crack in your door as you are doing some homework at your desk.

“Okay.” You say without looking up at him.

“Want me to tell them you’re not home so they don’t ask about you?”

“Yes please,” this time you do look up at him and you immediately have tears in your eyes. He comes and kneels down by your chair and spins you around.

“Okay, I will.”

“I’m sorry Johnny.” you say.

“Why? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Because you have to be so accommodating to me just because I have unresolved traumas, when you really don’t have to be. But you just are the best brother and I am a piece of garbage who can’t even learn your friends names. Like? I belong in the toilet? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about some shit that happened years ago and you’ve done nothing but play along with my shitty way of avoiding my problems.”

“Woah, slow down Y/N” he said. “You are doing so much better than you were 2 years ago. I know it might not feel like anything but you have grown so much since then. You might not be where you want to be, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t closer than you were before.”

“Have you been reading inspiring quote books again?” you sniffle at him.

“Shut up and hug me.” He laughs while pulling you up to hug him and you laugh with him.

“Thanks for being the best.” you mumble into his shoulder.

“Hey it’s what I do.” he replies.

“Aww what a cute moment!” Chungha says from your door. The two of you pull away and laugh at her comment. “How you doing bubs?” she looks at you lovingly.

“I’m okay I think.” You say with your still red cheeks.

“Want to do a girls night while the guys are over?” Chungha suggests. Johnny looks at you anticipating your answer.

“I would love that.” you smile at her. Truth is your girls nights usually include Johnny and you don’t think you have spent alone time for extended time with Chungha before. You trusted her but you still felt uneasy about it.

-

“Where is Y/N?” Doyoung immediately asks once him and the rest of the boys enter the apartment.

“She’s uh...not home right now.” Johnny says noticing a new sweatshirt in his hands.

“Oh i brought this to exchange with her.” Doyoung holds up the yellow sweatshirt.

“Yeah let me go grab it from her room and switch it for you.” he quickly grabs the sweatshirt and speed-walks to your room so that Doyoung doesn’t follow him. Johnny quickly opens the door and shuts it as he enters your room. “Here.” He throws it at your face as he looks for the sweatshirt from before. Once he finds it he quickly opens the door and looks back at you. “Exchange from Doyoung.” Then he closes the door behind him.

-

“Dude, where is Chungha? She always joins us for game night.” Jaehyun asks.

“She had other plans.” Johnny replies quickly.

“Well anyways, like I was saying before -- I slept with peach at the frat party last weekend and she hasn’t called me yet?” Jaehyun complains.

“Why do you assume she is going to call you?” Doyoung asks.

“Dude.” Jaehyun says. “They always call. Baby got her first taste. Baby gotta get seconds.”

“You’re actually disgusting.” Taeil stated.

“I’m just saying girls always call after they are with me.” Jaehyun replies.

“Do you want her to call?” Doyoung says. “don’t you hate when girls are thirsty like that?”

“yeah but it’s been 5 days and she hasn’t called?” Jaehyun says. Johnny simply laughs at his friends and texts Chungha to check in.

-

You and Chungha have been pampering yourselves all night. Which started with face masks and impulsive hair dying. But is now ending with nail painting as you two chatted and had some sitcom playing on TV.

“I really appreciated this. Thank you.” You say to her.

“Of course, Y/N” she smiles at you. “You’re the sweetest girl I know. You deserve the world.”

“I really don’t but go off I guess.” You laugh.

“Hey! You do!” she defends. “You are kind and caring and passionate.”

“I’m emotional.”

“No.” She says. “You are passionate. You care so much about other people before yourself. You are so kind and willing to help. There are only a few people on this planet that are generous the way you are. I know right now it might suck and feel like that is the reason you are where you are. But our greatest weakness also tends to be our greatest strength.”

“Isn’t it the other way around?” you lay your head on her shoulder.

“I mean yeah but it is a two way street, honey.” she says. “right now it feels like your weakness but it is also your strength. Don’t forget that.” She finishes painting your nails and gets up from the bed.

“Hey, Chungha?” You speak up before she gets to your door. She turns to look at you. “Thank you.”

“Of course, Honey.” She smiles at you before leaving your room.

You sigh when she closes the door. Was that true? That our greatest strength is our greatest weakness? Or the other way around? It just feels like no matter whoever you get close to or even slightly open up to disappears.

-

Chungha enters the living room and all the boys greet her.

“Hey! Johnny said you were somewhere else.” Taeyong hugs her.

“Oh, I was just in Y/N’s room.” She chuckles.

“Johnny said she wasn’t home?” Doyoung quickly enters the conversation at the mention of your name.

“Yeah she was taking a nap in Y/N’s room!” Johnny interrupts looking at Chungha sternly.

“Oh yeah, her bed is softer than Johnny’s bed is why.” Chungha says confused as to why Johnny butted in the way he did but went along anyways. But her hair was a different color and it didn’t make sense that she was in there by herself? Doyoung tried to brush it off like the rest of the boys but he couldn’t. You were home? Did you not want to see him as much as he had been wanting to see you?

-

You smiled at the yellow sweatshirt in your hands. It smelled like Doyoung and there was something incredibly comforting about it. You pulled it over your head and started to get ready for bed. Before you got into your sheets you heard a crumble and reached into the pocket of the hoodie.

Hi >.<

I was wondering if you would want to get coffee or something sometime? I would love to get to know you better and I wasn’t sure if your brother would take it the wrong way or not.

Text me!

xxxx-xxx-xxxx

Doyoung

Dongyoon ^.^

-

You couldn’t decide whether or not you wanted to text him or not. You laid in bed and could not fall asleep because he was on your mind. 2 hours later you frustratingly flipped your sheets and walked out into the living room. The boys were long gone by now and you needed some air. You step out onto your balcony and breath in the crispy night breeze.

“Hey.” Johnny stepped out with you. He looked at the lost look on your face. “Late night feels?”

“Late night feels.” you say. He quickly goes back in the apartment and returns with a blanket to lay on the wood of your balcony.

“Come on.” He says patting the spot next to him for you to sit. “What’s on your mind?”

“I think Doyoung asked me on a date.” you sit next to him.

“Oh.” He says thinking for a second. “You should go.” You stare at him.

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, he is a nice guy. He probably just wants to get to know you better. Chungha and I talk about you a lot with the guys he is probably curious.”

“That is date worthy?”

“Hey you will always have markers and crusty spaghetti-os on your face to me but that doesn’t mean that is how other people see you.” he laughs and you laugh with him. “I’m not saying fall in love with him. I am saying give it a try.”

“I don’t know, Johnny.”

“Y/N. It’s been 2 years. You are stronger than you think you are.” He gets up from the blanket and walks back into the apartment, leaving you there with your thoughts.

-

-

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4

[xenwritings]

please do a bullet doyoung college au

So I was unsure if you meant college boyfriend au so imma do bothskiiiis.

-

Ok so you know how Kun has the inside joke that he never sleeps and is always stress™? Literally Doyoung.

takes school v serious.

he loves lectures??? like 9am? OKAY BITCH HE THERE

but that is just because he enjoys learning and genuinely likes to develop his knowledge.

chem labs got him fucked up tho

he has to shower every time he gets out of a lab bc he is scared bc well. germs.

-

when he meets you tho he is like shooketh™

bc how are you literally flawless?

you show up to class late bc u overslept and your hair is a mess and you’re literally sweating from running to your lecture hall and that thin inside layer of your coat is sticking to your back.

your hair = a mess

your sleep = nonexistent

you are = stress™

but doyoung sees you and is like O.O because how??????

there is only one seat left and it is next to him

obvi bc meetcute duh

he scrambles to take his coat and bag off that chair so you can sit down.

you do

he is surprised because you seem flustered but are so nice???sweet???considerate?

???????

you literally offer him part of your in a rush breakfast?

you smile at him?

his heart = trembling

he waits until the end of the hour to ask you for your number saying

“in case we need to collaborate on coursework or something…”

you hesitantly agree but he cute so whatevs.

-

ok he casually asks u to study one day 

you agree but before you head out you say

“This was a nice date. We should do this again.”

he chokes bc DATE

but he is smiling like a fucking dork 

love y’all!

[xenwritings]

Better Than You [Doyoung p.2]

You could feel Do Young’s gaze of you through most of the first movie. But every time you would look at him his eyes would move back to the TV. Before they started the third movie, you bid everyone a goodbye and retreated back to the safety of your room.

-

“Y/N?” Johnny knocked on your door quietly. You looked up at him and hummed. “Just so you know that some of the guys are going to sleep in the living room, cause it’s kinda late.”

“Okay.” You returned your gaze to your laptop.

“How was tonight?” he walked toward your bed to sit on the edge of it.

“It was nice.” you simply stated. “But that Dongyoon guy kept staring at me.”

“Doyoung?” Johnny chuckled. You shrugged. “You’d like him, he’s kind of sassy but he is really intelligent.” 

“You tell me this as if I am going to become friends with him.” you smile at him.

“I am just saying that you’d really like my friends. If you talked to them.” He flicked your foot.

“We’ll see Johnny.”

“I know, I know. At your own pace.” He held his arms up in defense. “But if you are going to start talking to any of my friends make sure it’s Jungwoo. He’s probably the nicest.” Johnny got off your bed “Okay. I have to get back out there, Jaehyun is whining about some girl right now.”

You were so grateful for Johnny. He knew everything about you and protected you with his life. Ever since you were little he could tell you were very shy and knew it was his duty to keep you safe as your older brother. He adapted so quickly to your new lifestyle when shit hit the fan 2 years ago. You weren’t sure how you could ever repay him for being literally the epitome of the best brother and friend. 

-

About an hour after Johnny left your room all of the boys in the living room seemed to settle down and it was finally quiet. Which was great because you were dying of thirst and you left your water bottle out in the kitchen when you refilled it. You slipped into the common areas of your apartment and quietly padded to the kitchen.

“Hey-” You quickly turned at the sudden voice that startled you. “Oh! Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“It’s fine.” You take a big gulp of water down. “Why are you still up?”

“I could be asking you the same thing.” He gives you a huge gummy smile that had you sHOoK.

“I-” you stared at him for a little too long. He raised his eyebrows at you waiting for you to finish. “I am in the middle of an episode of Cowboy Bebop.”

“Oh really? Can I join you?” He says. “I can’t really fall asleep as quick as the other boys.”

“Um. Sure, yeah I guess.” You say slowly as you start to walk back towards your room. He follows you. Instead of your laptop you actually watch something of the TV that has been collecting dust in your room.

“I love this show. Ein is easily the best character.” He states which causes you to chuckle a little. He smiles to himself knowing he made you smile. The two of you are sitting shoulder to shoulder. which was the most physical touch you’ve had in a long time.

“I agree, Doyoung.” you reply. He whips his head to you. “What?”

“I- nothing. I just have never heard you call me by the right name.” You blush.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I don’t hang out with you all enough to actually learn your names. It’s really rude and I should really work on that.”

“Oh no! It’s fine. It’s hard, we’re a pretty big group.” He laughs slightly which makes your heart flutter a little. You just smile back at him and return your focus back to your anime. Again, you could feel Doyoung staring at you but every time you would turn to return his stare he would look away. About 2 more episodes and you were finally starting to get sleepy. You told Doyoung he could keep watching whatever on your Hulu account if you fell asleep before him. 

“are you a creep?” You say out of no where.

“Uh...I don’t think I am?” He questions.

“Okay, if you really don’t want to sleep out in the living room with the other boys you can stay in here.” He looked at you shocked.

“Really?”

“Yeah. My brother trusts you so I trust you. But no funny business.” you get more comfortable by lowering yourself to be laying down. “There are extra blankets in the closet of the hallway. Also my room is warmer than the living room.” You weren’t sure why you were trying to persuade him into staying. You weren’t friends. You were just being nice to your brother’s friends! Almost naturally Doyoung’s arm is over you as his hand rests on the curve of your body since you are laying down facing his sitting body. Much to your surprise, helped you fall asleep much faster.

-

When you wake up the next morning you sit up in bed and see all of your blankets neatly folded on the floor next to your bed. It’s 10am and you assumed Doyoung had somewhere to be. But you couldn’t help feel a little disappointed that he wasn’t still there. You shrug it off and go to the bathroom to wash up and get ready for your day. 

You weren’t really in the mood for putting an outfit together so you opted for an oversized sweater and some joggers. You grabbed the first sweatshirt sprawled on the floor and went to grab breakfast. Johnny was eating a bowl of cereal at the table and catching up on his twitter feed.

“Is Chungha still here?” You nonchalantly say grabbing a mug from the cabinet.

“No-” Johnny chokes on his cereal. You immediately turn to him in concern.

“Are you okay?”

“I- yeah. Why are you wearing Doyoung’s sweatshirt?” he patted his chest to try and help the cereal go down faster.

“What?” You say incredibly confused as you look at the bright red sweater.

“That’s Doyoung’s. He was literally wearing it last night. WAIT DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?”

“NO!!! I swear nothing happened!!” You defended. “He watched some Cowboy BeBop with me and we fell asleep. That’s it.”

“TOGETHER?” He stands up.

“NO! He slept on the floor. said something about not being able to fall asleep as quick as the other boys.” you said.

“Inch resting.” He sits back down.

“No one says that anymore, Johnny.” you groan at his lame meme. He just laughs at you.

“Also how could you have not noticed that he was wearing the exact same sweatshirt last night?”

“I mean I noticed it smelled better when I put it on.” you shrugged

“UM ExCuSE ME? I smell wonderful and I have sources!”

“Chungha doesn’t count.”

“Okay I have no sources. But I stand by it.” He holds his finger up knowingly.

“Yeah okay, JohnBoi” you roll your eyes at him.

“Aren’t you going to take that off?”

“Why would I? I’m already wearing it.”

“MY DEAR SISTER. Do you have a crush on a certain boi named Doyoung?” He teases you.

“Shut Up.” You walk away from him.

“THAT WASN’T A NO!” He shouts. You were going to walk back to your room when you heard a knock at the door. You went to answer it.

“Johnny! I think I forgot my-” Doyoung stares at you who opened the door. He’s wearing a backpack like he’s about to go to class. “Sweatshirt here last night....”

“Yeah sorry it’s being used right now.” you say sheepishly. He smiles at you so brightly it’s like you’ve seen the sun moon and stars all at once.

“Oh, that’s fine.” He likes the way his sweatshirt drapes over you. “You can keep it.”

“Keep it?” you say incredulously.

“Well until it doesn’t smell like me anymore.” He says simply. “Then I can give you a different one.”

“I-”

“I’ll see you around.” He smiles once more before leaving your doorstep. You close the door and turn around shocked. Was Doyoung flirting with you? Is your heart doing that THUMPING thing??

“I told you, you have a crush on him.” Johnny laughed having watched that entire interaction. Out of pure shock and fear you quickly walk back to your room and lock your door. Johnny followed you, hoping he didn’t make you upset for teasing too much. You immediately strip yourself of the sweatshirt and hyperventilate. You try your best not to have an anxiety attack, but you can’t really control that and you breakdown. You hear a slight knock at your door and you know it’s Johnny. But you didn’t have the guts to face him. Especially not when you are freaking out over something that happened years ago. I mean shouldn’t you be over it by now? “Please?” you hear him say softly on the other side of the door.

“Give me time please.” you say between breaths. You hear him walk away. You couldn’t help but feel like a failure to Johnny. He has tried nonstop to get you out of your shell. But he knew when to push and when to let you do your own thing. But here you are 2 years later and you can’t even find yourself to get close to anyone out of fear. For fucks sake, all you did was watch a few anime episodes with someone. It’s not like you were best friends all of a sudden. You kept crying, as quietly as you could so Johnny wouldn’t feel too bad for leaving you alone. You find yourself cuddling Doyoung’s sweater since it does smell like him and something about it is comforting.

-

Doyoung walked to his lecture smiling to himself. You seemed so flustered and cute. The thought of you wearing his sweatshirts all the time crossed his mind. Something about you. There was something about you that he just couldn’t put his finger on. But he did know, that just the thought of you brought a smile to his face and the thought of making you smile or laugh again made his heart so full.

-

Better Than You [Doyoung]

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

-

A/N: Just a heads up everyone experiences panic/anxiety attacks differently. But hu hu i am so ready to snap with this piece lmaaaoo.

[xenwritings]

Better Than You. [Doyoung p.1]

part one of who knows lmaoo

-

I like being alone.

I like drinking coffee alone.

I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone.

It gives me time to think and free my mind.

I like eating and listening to music alone.

But when I see a mother with her child. A girl with her lover. A person laughing with their best friend. I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.

You sat on the bus with your earphones in. Nodding along with whatever song played. You passed by many different shops and many different faces. You saw a mother with her child walking down the sidewalk with their hands clasped together. You saw a man with thick glasses proposing to a woman in a pink dress. You saw two young boys sitting on the curb laughing at something playing on a tablet. You sighed to yourself. You never complained that you were lonely. In fact, after a while you got used to it and started to enjoy it. Being alone wasn’t always a bad thing, you didn’t have to reply to anyone, you didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing. But being lonely is something you struggled with. 

-

Your brother Johnny never struggled with this. He was maybe a year and a half older than you but he got all of the extroverted genes. You weren’t always this quiet. In high school you had a nice group of friends and even had yourself a boyfriend for half of your time in high school. Now that you were in college you kept to yourself more. School was expensive and you weren’t going to let this time go to waste. You lived with your brother which was a blessing and a curse. Blessing because he was your only true friend and you trusted your life with him. Curse because he is always trying to persuade you into meeting new people. You were semi-close with his girlfriend Chungha. You really liked her, and appreciated how much she cared for your crackhead brother. However, you never really bothered to get to know his close friends that he would have over all the time. Doyoo? Jungwon? Jaehyung? Taeyang? You weren’t really sure. You knew Mark! He was a childhood friend back when your family lived in the US. But Mark was younger than you and Johnny so he wasn’t in college yet. He tried to come and hang out sometimes though.

-

You got off the bus and walked the block to your apartment building. It wasn’t quite spring yet but it wasn’t winter either. It was an awkward in between when it would be sunny and beautiful but still cold. Johnny greeted you when you opened the door as him and Chungha were on the couch cuddled up.

“Want to join us Y/N?” Chungha offered with a sweet smile.

“I’ve had a long day, I think I just need some puppy cuddles and my anime.” You sigh at them. “Next time though?”

“Of course!” She smiles at you knowingly. You grew to really trust Chungha because she was very understanding of your social exhaustion. Johnny texted to make sure that you were okay and you replied that you were just tired after classes.

“Knock Knock.” Johnny let himself into your room after a few hours. “I’m gonna have some of my guy friends over in a bit okay?” You didn’t particularly care about him having people over. But he knew to always tell you so you wouldn’t be caught off guard at the sudden social interaction. 

“Okay.” You look up from your book and smile at him briefly.

“We’re doing movie night. Please join us. Chungha will still be here.” He said. You look up at him standing in your doorway and before you could refuse he quickly added, “It’s Studio Ghibli night.” You slowly close your book in defeat because he knows your Spirited Away soft spot is exactly where he needs to hit.

“Fine,” You sigh. He hums happily and closes your door. You get up to shower before the wave of loud boys comes.

-

Just as you are stepping out of the bathroom that is conjoined with your bedroom, in a robe, someone opens your bedroom door.

“OH I’M SO SORRY!” he immediately closes the door again. You open your door again and look confused at the man who looks awkward.

“Did you need something?” You ask the stranger.

“Uh, Johnny just said there was a second bathroom in your bedroom but I didn’t think you’d be home, let alone just getting out of the shower.” He spoke quickly.

“Oh, yeah you can use that bathroom.” You say casually at him as you walk away and into your closet. He looks shocked because those are the most words he’s ever heard you speak.

“Oh thank you! Jaehyun is taking forever in Johnny’s bathroom!” He says relieved.

“Sure, Dongyeon.” you reply. He uses your bathroom and you quickly get dressed in your closet before he gets out. By the time he does get out you are doing the rest of your hair treatments and skin care.

“What did you call me?” he asks your wiping his hands on his pants.

“Dongyeon? That is your name isn’t it?” 

“It’s Doyoung.” He smiles at you very warmly before leaving your room.

-

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

-

A/N: I am revamping some of my old fics from YEEAARRSS ago lmao. I think I am going to make this a smol series. SEND IN REQUESTS PLEASE.

[xenwritings]

It’s Gotta Be You - Mark Lee (F/A)

Insp by It’s Gotta Be You - Isaiah.

-

when you walked away I tried to replace you.

It’s been 3 months since you broke up with Mark. You were too different. He is an idol, pursuing his music and you are attending university pursuing your degree. This year long relationship had to come to an end. Though it was never publicly announced, the boys knew about you. They had welcomed you into their little family, warmly. You thanked them by bringing them home-cooked warm meals every weekend (or any other time you knew they’d be at their 127 dorm.) Your year with Mark was amazing to say the least.

You were blessed with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. You didn’t know you could have been so lucky.

“Oh shit, sorry.” Mark cursed in front of you as his iced coffee stained your fresh white shirt. You stood there in shock because of the cold beverage. He rushed to get napkins and shoved them into your hands. “I am so sorry!” He said. You laughed because it wasn’t that big of a deal to you. Even though you were a little upset about your white shirt being stained a light brown.

“It’s fine.” you chuckled.

“No, it is not. I am so sorry!” He felt so bad for pouring his coffee on you. He insisted he buy you a new shirt but you settled for chatting in the back booth of the shop.

Since that day, it was iced coffee and giggles. You honestly did not think Mark would ever like you back. You thought that he would never date as an idol, so you were okay with just being his friend. On a once in a blue moon night off, Mark came over to your apartment for a movie night. You had your head on Mark’s shoulder as the two of you sat on your couch as some bad horror movie played. He was texting his manager about their schedule for tomorrow when he giggled and showed you his phone. 

Manager Hyung: Don’t stay out too late please.

Mark: I won’t. Thanks Hyung.

Manager Hyung: Tell your girlfriend I say hi.

He seemed so natural about it. Even though YOU TWO NEVER HAD THAT CONVERSATION AT ALL. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. So you were freaking the fuck out.

“Girlfriend?” You muttered. He looked at you with a small blush on his cheeks.

“If you don’t mind,” He smiled at you brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. “I would love for you to be.” You couldn’t even describe the amount of adrenaline that was coursing through your veins.

“I-,”

“If not that is totally fine. I get it if you didn’t want to date me because I’m an idol.”

“Tell your hyung I say hi.” you giggled at him.

The months to follow were amazing. Even though he was gone most of the time, Mark always made sure to remind you that you were important to him. He would send you flowers if he was ever overseas, texts whenever he woke up or was going to bed no matter what time it was. Mark being an idol never bothered you. Not even if he was gone for weeks on end or if he promoted with female artists. Nothing could change the love you had for him. He could proudly say the same. Whenever he had a break, he was immediately back in your arms. You took care of him even from afar. He was madly in love with you. You dropped everything for him.

He just wished he could do the same.

A little after your one year anniversary, Mark started to doubt your relationship. Though, you constantly reminded him you did not mind that he was an idol or that you were always busy with school. You loved him and he loved you, that’s all that mattered.

Right?

When Mark broke up with you it was raining outside. He called you that morning to meet him outside of your apartment building. When you did, he refused to go inside and insisted to talk outside. He was visibly nervous and it made you scared.

“I don’t think this is going to work anymore.” He said with tear filled eyes. You looked at him with furrowed eyebrows. “I love you. But I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“I-”

“Goodbye.” He said briefly before hastily walking down the block to a parked car. He had obviously planned this.

Your breakup with Mark left you utterly confused. He ignored all of your texts and calls. You couldn’t bear yourself to message his group members. But you couldn’t help but wonder. Honestly, it was hard to believe it was over. The next couple of hours you mindlessly did the rest of your daily routine. Blank. Empty. You weren’t sure what was happening. However, when night came you laid in bed and felt the sudden emptiness in your chest like your organs had been scrapped out. You cried yourself to sleep that night. Actually, you cried yourself to sleep every night that week. 

Fast forward to 3 months after.

Your friend convinced you to go on a date with some guy she met in her anatomy class. You begrudgingly agree because you know she’s been bugging you about this for weeks now. You weren’t sure if you were over Mark yet. It was a lonely and sad 3 months. But you knew that if you didn’t get back out there, you would always continue to wonder. Did he still think about you? Was he with someone new?

“Hi, nice to meet you! I’m Soonyoung.” the brunette haired boy greeted you.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” You smiled at him and tell him your name.

“So I thought coffee would be a good first date in case you decided to bolt.” He joked.

“Oh thank god, I needed an emergency escape plan!” You laugh with him. He takes you to a small cafe that doubled as a bookstore.

“My roommate talks about this place all the time.” He says. “You might know him, he is also in your program.”

“Oh? What’s his name?”

“Wonwoo.”

“I do know him! He is always sleeping in class.” You laugh.

“Yeah because he is always up so late gaming.” Soonyoung’s laughter fills your ears and for once in 3 months you are filled with a glimmer of light. At the end of your date you explain to Soonyoung that you had a great time and aren’t trying to ditch him, but you really did need to get to work. He walked you the couple of blocks to the bakery that you worked at. Before he parted he kissed your cheek and walked back in the direction that he had parked his car. You were left with a small smile on your face and pink tinted cheeks. You approached the bakery, tying your hair back when you ran into Johnny.

“Y/N.....” He said surprised and condescending.

“Uh..Hi Johnny.” You looked at him weirdly because of the way he said your name.

“It’s so nice to see you! How are you?” He questioned.

“Look, I don’t mean to be rude but I am late for work.” You reason with him ready to open the door of the bakery. 

“Oh you work in this bakery?” he exaggerated.

“Yeah... bye now Johnny.” you continued to look at him weirdly as you opened the front door of the bakery.

“No wait Y/N don’t-” Right as you stepped in your eyes were met with Mark getting cotton candy being fed to him playfully by someone you didn’t recognize. Though, you couldn’t see her face her long brown hair was curled and you just knew that she had to be beautiful.

“Y/N! you’re never late is everything okay?” Your manager called out to you. The sound of your name caught Mark’s attention as he locked eyes with you. You avoided looking at him any longer as you quickly walked behind the counter into the back room.

“Yes, I am sorry I am late.” You rushed past your manager. You stopped by the employee lockers, out of breath. You hadn’t seen Mark once since he broke up with you. You didn’t realize you would be so dazed and confused when you saw him again. You begged your manager to let you fry in the back instead of working the front case like usual. She agreed as you were one of her better workers, but told her that once she left a few hours before closing you would have to return to the front and close the shop. Which you willingly agreed, thankful. Your 5 hour shift went by quickly as it usually does. You finished cleaning the shop and took your apron off ready to lock up. Just as you locked the front doors of the bakery you heard shuffling behind you. You made sure the door was 100% locked before turning around with the keys in between your fingers in case you had to fight and run. But your gaze met Marks once again that day. 

“Oh, it’s just you.” You said removing the keys from your fingers.

“Um, Hey.” He scratched his neck. “I waited for you to be done...”

“Okay? do you want a medal?” you said sarcastically as you began to walk in the direction of your apartment building.

“No, I wanted to see you...and talk,” He followed your steps.

“Why? We’re not dating?” You spat at him in an angered voice you didn’t know you had. He flinched at that a little.

“I just wanted to apologize...for everything.” He fastened his pace a little trying to keep up with you.

“Yeah, 3 months too late for that Mark.” you stopped suddenly.

“Y/N?” Soonyoung approached you with a small group of his friends.

“Soonyoung!” You recognize him immediately.

“Did you just get off work? It is so late.” He said when he finally met you uncomfortably standing next to Mark. “Do you want me to walk you home?”

“I would love that.” You smiled at him, glancing at Mark for a second to show that you didn’t want to talk to him or see him ever again. Soonyoung breaks off from his group as the two of you walk to your building, leaving Mark there by himself.

When you got home you checked your phone to see that Mark texted you.

Mark Lee: I still want to talk.

You: I have nothing to say to you, Mark.

Mark Lee: I am so sorry. Please let me explain myself.

You: Why should I? You didn’t even let me try to fight for you.

Mark Lee: If I did I knew I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Please understand.

You: Understand what? YOU BROKE MY HEART. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO EXPLAIN. YOU LEFT WITH NO EXPLANATION AND THEN IGNORED ME FOR 3 MONTHS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FEEL?

Mark Lee: come to the cafe we met at. Tomorrow at 2pm. please.

You: fuck you Mark Lee.

Regardless of your last text, you still thought about meeting him. You were so heartbroken, so lost for so long and he suddenly pops up and wants to talk? You did want an explanation. You deserved an explanation. 

The next day you couldn’t even bring yourself to get out of bed. It was almost 2pm. You couldn’t get him out of your mind.

“I didn’t think you’d show up.” Mark grinned at you approaching him.

“Yeah, well what’s a free cup of coffee?” You said following him into the cafe.

“First of all, I am so sorry.” He said after you two sat down in your regular booth. You stared at him blankly. “I, don’t know how to show you how sorry I am. I love you so much. You are the most selfless, thoughtful, smart, beautiful and absolutely stunning person I have ever met. I will never forgive myself for breaking your heart.” You continue to stare at him unsure of where this is going. “I broke up with you because I love you so much. I don’t know how to give you everything you deserve when I live the lifestyle that I do. I couldn’t live knowing that you could have better than anything I could ever give you. I am so sorry that it took 3 months for me to apologize.” He was crying at this point. You weren’t sure how to respond. You didn’t know what to expect meeting him today but you also didn’t expect this.

“What do you want me to say Mark?” you suddenly ask him.

“What?” he mutters.

“How do you want me to react? You broke my heart and now you are here 3 months after finally giving me some explanation. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Or is this for you?” you say bitterly. It was mean, but a valid question. You wanted closure not to feel bad for feeling like shit for 3 months.

“I just wanted you to know the truth.” he sniffles.

“So this is for you.” you state. “This is so you can sleep at night, because you know that you finally told me the truth. so you can go and happily date that other girl because this is no longer burdening your conscience.” He stares at you. “This is so you don’t feel bad for what you did right? Meanwhile I am going to go back home and cry to myself for the rest of the day because the love of my life is going to be on his merry little way with someone else.”

“Love of your life?” he questions. “You still love me?”

“What do you think Mark?” you sigh. “Why do you think I am here?”

“I’m sorry for everything.” He says. “I really am-”

“It’s fine Mark.” You say, grabbing your bag before standing up.

“If you would let me, I would love to continue to be the love of your life.”

“What?” You stare at him incredulously.

“Would you ever consider giving me a second chance?”

“What about that girl from yesterday?” you sit back down across from him.

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Johnny has been trying to set me up with other people to try and help me forget about you. But none of them were you. I tried so hard to fall for someone else. I realized that I was just trying to replace you. I couldn’t replace you. No one could replace you.” He reached over the table to wipe a tear from your cheek that you didn’t know had fallen.

“It’s going to take a bit for me to trust you again.” you crack the smallest smile at him.

“Anything for you.” He immediately says smiling at you. “Whatever it takes.”

“Whatever it takes? Why me?”

“It’s gotta be you.” he holds your face in both of his hands. “Only you.”

-

A/N: this is shit sorry. but send in requests if you want lol

[xenwritings]

Creepin’ on bae like^^

[xenwritings]

when ur fave kpop group just deserves so much love.

[xenwritings]

Hello, I’m a new blog. here is a little angsty potential series with my gentleboi joshie.

svt trash is what I am.

- xen