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Another thought vomit. Because I’ve immediately run into the dilemma. I want to save the comic because I liked it. And I want to save the reference to the author and books he mentions at the end of it, because I may want to refer to those later. And I want to somehow save them both together, but also separately, so that I don’t have to end up back at the comic save just to get to the reference save. But I need them to be cross-referenced somehow so I can see the tie.

Life with the internet. Oh brother. Not serious, but really, really serious. This little dilemma makes me give up on life (dramatic sounding, but kind of real) and also makes me more and more flustered the longer I hold onto it before giving up on it. Because every time I give up on, I feel like I’ve somehow failed. Like I couldn’t figure out some really stupid, simple thing. And like it’ll be easier and easier to just give up (read: fail) the next time. And like how will I ever find success in life with this happening? How can I think of myself as someone who is smart and capable if I can’t do this small thing? And why should I even care about this small thing so much? And why can’t I just come to a conclusion about it and move on? And how in the world would I ever go back and refer to all the references I save anyway? And even if I do, is there a good reason to have saved how I came to discover those references, or is that just silly granting of more importance to these “discoveries’ than they merit? If I had just said, “Neat,” and moved on right away—better? Or dumber? My memory is bad, so I want to log things so that I can “remember” them. Should I just not get on the internet ever because I can’t keep up with it anyway? Or should I work harder to find a way to make the internet useful? I should say, the random browsing and discovering I end up doing.

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I resonated with quite a lot of this. I think I especially appreciated when his mention of running came up. Yay, running! I think Matt works a lot harder than I do, but I, too, struggle with how to answer the question when asked, “Are you happy?” Or if I ask it of myself. And how to explain the not knowing? This is how. At least one way and at least a start.

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On a whim, I think I’m going to try and start using Tumblr again. 

I use Feedly to follow different entities that post somewhat regularly. I use Twitter to follow different people I find interesting. I sometimes otherwise browse, or run into things on the web, maybe through Instagram, or Medium, or research at work, or just general surfing. 

I have a desire to “log” many of these things I find interesting, to categorize them, and save them, as though I’ll reach some day in my life when I will decide I will no longer pursue future things but will go back and examine all the past things I have already examined in the category of trail running or van living or interesting or funny. 

At the same time, I want to log things in a chronological, linear-type fashion as though I’ll reach some day in my life when I will decide I will no longer pursue future things but will go back and examine all the past things I have examined and find fascinating the connecting line between all these interesting things. Somehow, this record will be useful, no? Somehow, it is worth the trouble. 

I will never do this. My Pocket account has hundreds of links, articles, videos, resources that I will never follow up on. I have tried halfheartedly to log things for years. Some months I actually do. Some weeks I definitely don’t. I say, who cares? I am the only one who would be sad later to not be able to find such and such a photo or story that I vaguely remember seeing that one time. And even that rarely happens and it seems to always be for stroking my own ego. Oh, we’re talking about some obscure, pointless topic? I want to look cool. I think I saw once this picture that... I don’t remember. I’ve no idea of anything about it. If I only had logged it... What? How would it have helped? There is no way to immediately recall a photo or link or story on the web that you saw once other than to recall it through memory, in the moment. So, who cares? 

Even as I write this I’m discouraging myself to even try posting to Tumblr. What’s the point? This whole whim just came up thusly:

I’m visiting my brother in Washington. His home has wifi. I have not had wifi at my home for over a year and so have only truly used the internet while at my office. I check the socials on my phone from my home, but that doesn’t count. It’s completely different from sitting here in a comfy chair with my laptop (big screen and easy typing) on my lap, world wide web at my beck and call. 

So after church, what to do? I grab my laptop to help me prepare for my race tomorrow, but get distracted by going through my Feedly subscriptions. I get to the Humor category and see the Oatmeal comic that hasn’t expired yet. I read it. It’s about being “unhappy” and it’s really good, I think. I want to do something with it. I want to remember it. I want it to mean something to me. I want the experience to last somehow. I think about posting it on my old blogspot blog. Seems like it would require more of a blog post about it, and I don’t want to blog about it. I just want to extend this experience. Plus it’s probably a waste to others, whoever might see it.

I think about, and even start, a new list on my Workflowy. That could actually probably work well, but I don’t like the formatting for this kind of thing, and it’s more effort and not as aesthetically pleasing to maintain the linear record of discovery. Oatmeal lists a couple links at the bottom of this comic. They take me to an author I’m not familiar with. I want to remember that guy and his books now, too. For potential future record. And since I’m not jumping on the books and becoming obsessed with it all right now, I know that it could be a while. So I want to know why I was interested in them in the first place, which is why I want the paper trail. But Workflowy..? I was working on saving this whole line of discovery there and was losing interest. I needed something else.

Oh, maybe Tumblr? I’d forgotten about Tumblr. What’s my password again? There we go. 

On a whim, I think I’m going to...

Now we’re here. I’ve written heaps of words about nothing. No one will probably read this. If you are, wow. Will I read it later? I was just going to write Will I even post this? but if I don’t, that question would be pointless. Now I’m struggling with the pointlessness of this. Really, it’s sort of a struggle of fearing what “you” might think if you are reading this. Whoever “you” are. But no, I’m going to post this. Because why the heck not. Even if I’m lamenting my life some more ten years down the road and decide to look back on all the disparate and ridiculously fragmented and numerous posts of my life all over the internet and socials, this may be one of the posts I end up scrolling through and I might find it interesting. Even if I don’t ever do that, I still have spent the past 15 minutes writing some of my thoughts and the process of their happening, and that’s better than what I usually accomplish in any given 15 minutes. 

So here goes. Maybe I will use Tumblr some from now on again. Maybe I won’t. I suspect not. I could be wrong.

(And dang it. That was such a good conclusion. But now I see “#tag” at the bottom and the new concern is: What to tag!? How to keep this all organized!? It’s the constant struggle. Staying organized while not wanting to care.)

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https://ladyjane.bandcamp.com/

rain (england) // lady jane

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Angeles National Forest, California. May 2014

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New 35mm print: Mt McKinley, now available on Society6

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Rebecca Solnit on the solitary intimacy of reading and writing – so beautiful.

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The North Face: Curiosity

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Autumn Impressions I 2014 © PBBPhoto

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The great Mary Oliver, who is 79 today, on the mysteries of the human psyche, the secret of great poetry, and how rhythm makes us come alive.

(Illustration by Wendy MacNaughton)

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This is the kind of three minutes that last for several more. The kind that stir inside, that lay the first dreams. The kind that could go on forever.

The song is The Future is Cold, by More Like Georgia.

Every Runner Has a Reason – wonderful short film about a homeless man who found himself in running and turned his life around. What a powerful testament to the idea even more important than running the right way is running for the right reason.

(via Doobybrain)

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This took me back to TN. A beautiful blend.

A Forest Year, a 15 month long time lapse video made from 40,000 still images.

Watch the video.

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Because Kevin Russ

Sleeping Fox. New 35mm print on Society6

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On Robin Williams

When I wanted to kill myself, it was three days before Christmas. I found myself at the hospital, in a room with no windows and a locked door. Sometime well after midnight, a social worker came in. She asked me questions about my history of mental health, my family, friends, work, bowel movements, hopes, aspirations – you name it. For some reason she took an interest in the fact I make comics. I explained that I was having trouble managing it all, and was currently in a blinding, all consuming depression. 

“You know,” she said “Robin Williams has had his share of hardships with mental illness, and he found a way to do things and work. Have you seen Good Will Hunting?”

“Yeah” I said.

“Have you seen Dead Poets Society?”

“Yeah”

“So he found a way to make them and balance work, family, and all those things. The scale of it might change over time, but he made it work.”

She took some more notes, we chatted, and she left, and I laid beneath the halogen lights thinking about Robin Williams. It must have been a lot of work to make that many movies, to do that many tours, to win that many awards, and to be that famous. Doing it all and still fighting personal demons.

I eventually got out of the hospital. Finding reasons to live every day was tough. I spent Christmas with my family, smoking unfiltered cigarettes in the sub zero weather with my brother. The days passed, and I spent more time with doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, anyone to keep me going. And I kept going.

Robin Williams stuck around in my mind.

To me, he was the ultimate success – someone who has personal demons, problems, and issues – and found a way to keep achieving things. I wanted to emulate him, from the standpoint of being extraordinarily talented and driven while dealing with your issues. And being genuinely funny along the way. Sometimes on tough days, I had to remind myself that he did all these things despite his personal setbacks, and it pushed me to move onward.   

Mr. Williams, I hope you’re in a better place and doing alright. You’ve touched the lives of many, and you most definitely touched the life of a scared, depressed girl in the hospital last winter.

O captain, my captain

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Terry Gross: Can I make a confession?   Robin Williams: Yes. You’re not wearing anything, but that’s OK. You’re in the radio studio, and if you’re wearing—if you’re in a thong, that’s wonderful. A thong in your heart, that’s OK. No, no, please, confess.   Gross: Well, before we did the interview, I had no idea what to expect.  And I wasn’t sure you’d give me a straight answer to anything. And I just want to say thank you for actually having a talk.   Williams: You’re welcome. Well, it’s good to talk like that, you know?   Gross: And for being really funny at the same time. Williams: Well, that’s probably what life is. You know, you can do both. You can talk and be funny. And you see it wasn’t that zany. It was just conversation.

Williams, speaking to Fresh Air in 2006.