xharleysinn

[xharleysinn]

I want more. I want to suffocate in your love and feel it so deep in my soul I’m never able to doubt or question it. I want to hear the thoughts you don’t speak about the way you feel about me, about us, about this. I want to hear that you want a future, that you’re even slightly considering the idea of a future with me, with us, for us.  But the thing is, I don’t. I’ve never been in a relationship where the emotional distance matches the physical distance and while I’m desperately searching within you for something deep, I keep stepping into nothing but shallow pools of affection and love. Most of those come in the form of very small words like ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’, maybe just once or twice when you see me through the lense of my camera, you’ll tell me I’m beautiful but just about every other moment of the day I feel like just your ‘bitch’ or just something you hold on a leash like a trophy, giving me the bare minimum of your words and emotions, filling me with all your worries and stresses but never taking any of mine. You don’t ask me how my day was, how anything was when you wake up. Your responses to my asking about your day are usually cynical and depressing, as are the many comments you make about being tired of life and wanting to die. Those small moments when you love, you love enough that I catch onto the feelings again and start to find myself withdrawing for more. But I guess that’s exactly how it starts and that’s usually how it stays for someone like me; a constant craving for something deeper, something more within a person who has nothing but shallow pools of love to give. I’m walking that fine line between knowing what’s good for me and ignoring it anyway.

[xharleysinn]

#it’s a love confession

[xharleysinn]

Not quite ready to give up yet. Today, I prepare. Tomorrow, I take action. It’s time to ‘shit or get off the pot’.

[xharleysinn]

I get told I talk a real lot. I vent a lot, I am an open book, unfiltered, unmastered, unmanageable and chaotic. I need to put that into my art, but my art is not enough. I need to find an outlet, I need to keep my thoughts to myself, be quiet, don’t express. 

I have been trying to learn how to be more quiet, reservered, mysterious, put together, self reliant, independent and self aware for a few years now. Taking in all those thoughts of what others think, realizing maybe I do give a shit what others think, far too much for that. But it’s who I am, giving a shit is just what I do, whether I give too much shit or no shits at all, it’s always to the extreme.

I am greatly misguided despite being so open minded at the same time. I’m stuck in a battle of walking a fine line towards insanity being so held together at one point and totally flipping the next. My mood swings becoming so toxic and blowing up like a nuclear bomb, spreading a chain reaction from one person to another of all the emotions I’d been holding in during that time of strength. Over a few days or weeks I start to come to a realization of what I’d done, living in shame, regret and depression because I am guilty of the things I blame others for, every so often I start to see the real me and I realize that I’M the reason. Everything was because of me. And I feel a deep sense of guilt for that, because I knew I was like this all along but I was denying it, fearing the fact that I’m to blame. Coming to the epiphany that I needed those people I left behind in my fit of rage, those people were my calm and those people guided me. But what I do in my rage is unforgiveable and that’s where the guilt deepens. Words cannot undo what I have done, only actions can but how can you prove yourself when you pushed YOURSELF so far away from them?  And that’s when I realize once again that I need to stop bottling. I need to stop holding it all inside. I need a place to speak, a place to vent those raw, unorganized thoughts so I can read them back and understand why I think and feel the way that I do. Because I try to explain that I cannot tell you how I feel when I don’t know myself and I didn’t realize I wasn’t okay until I just wasn’t. Not even I get that warning before the explosion, there is no viewable timer on it, it’s just ticking away and any moment could be the last.

What I needed was people to teach me how to steer myself away from that. My outlets are not enough, it’s not getting what I think and feel out to express, refresh, and take that information back in to analyze, sort and understand it. In this mind, it is chaos and I cannot understand every word or emotion I feel right away. But I’m too afraid to ask for help, because I want to be independent, a role model, someone to look up to, an inspiration. I want my story to be uplifting but how can it be if I cannot find the guidance I need to get to where I’m still trying to go when the people I’m surrounded by are fighting demons of their own? I don’t know, but I desperately grasp to the idea that someone, someday will be patient enough to take me under their wing and guide me. I’m so lost. I made myself too alone, once again.

[xharleysinn]

Check out this banger of a DJ!

[xharleysinn]

I’m trying to learn how to be a better person and I realized I need more help than I thought.

[xharleysinn]

[xharleysinn]

ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ꜱᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟ ♫

By xIzaTrapx

https://www.flickr.com/photos/xharleysinn/52477209617/in/dateposted/

[xharleysinn]

ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴠɪʙᴇꜱ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ɢᴇᴛ ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ'ᴍ ꜱᴏʙᴇʀ

Ɨ Kαтë -nʍn- Şιии Ɨ (kate.vortex) [picture by] Ɨ Яισ Ɨ (unbentone) Ɨ Ĥαяlëy -nʍn- Şιии Ɨ (xharleysinn) https://www.flickr.com/photos/xharleysinn/52447780555/in/dateposted/

[xharleysinn]

[xharleysinn]

[xharleysinn]

PURGE NIGHT @ VOID 15th October from 5pm SLT Best dressed competition DJ & Host slots available Looking for heavy bass DJs from 7pm SLT, 2 hour sets, tip based earnings, applications in-world Landmark: http://maps.secondlife.com/secon…/Cool%20Water/194/55/1127

[xharleysinn]

𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕾𝖎𝖓𝖓 𝕱𝖆𝖒𝖎𝖑𝖞

Rio -uwu- Sinn (Unbentone) Harley -uwu- Sinn (xHarleySinn) Kate -uwu- Sinn (Kate.Vortex) Rosa (Rosalinou) Taken by (Kate.Vortex) Edited by (Rosalinou)

[xharleysinn]

𝖘𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖍𝖔𝖔𝖉

Kate -uwu- Sinn (Kate.Vortex) [Photo By Kate] Harley -uwu- Sinn (xHarleySinn)

My little sister is my bestest friend. Since adopting her into the Sinn Fam I couldn’t imagine my days without her and I miss her like stupid whenever she’s away! She supports my shinanigans, helps me see reason in the dark, makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts and she is the best thing in my dark little world right now. I love her unconditionally and as if she really were my sister!

[xharleysinn]

Milux & I (zoihead) & (xharleysinn) Taken by (Rosalinou) My virtual BFF - a sweetheart floating around the metaverse having all the fun he can, making the best of his Second Life. I admire how outgoing and warming he is as a person, he is accepting of everyone and has a lot of patience. Even when we’re distant, we’re still close and he is a good friend to me <3

[xharleysinn]

What a f*ckin geek

[xharleysinn]

PURGE NIGHT @ VOID 15th October from 5pm SLT Best dressed competition DJ & Host slots available Looking for heavy bass DJs from 7pm SLT, 2 hour sets, tip based earnings, applications in-world Landmark: http://maps.secondlife.com/secon.../Cool%20Water/194/55/1127