xhightolerancex-blog

[xhightolerancex-blog]

yay

rather than generalising mental illness as important, and needs to be talked about, I go into detail about the specifics of what I’m feeling. And it’s not pretty. If you can’t relate, and I hope you don’t, I’m going to seem very very strange. But mental illness isn’t simple, it’s not all let’s blow on thumbs together to stop these darn panic attacks, or this cute cartoon girl crying in a corner. It’s so much bigger and uglier and more complex.

I didn’t know how to talk or write about anything when my head has been consumed and overtaken by what I’m about to talk about. But I think I’ve figured it out.

i mentioned that i haven’t really felt like i’m here since i was 11 and then within the last week that sort of upped as a problem by like, 80%

i went to Coles for some frankfurts, felt crazy the whole weekend, then came back and got very panicky about the fact that I was going mad

I had slept fine, and I kept expecting to wake up better, but I just didn’t

I’ll explain what this all actually is and how it feels in a bit, plz hold

so I got back, and knew that I felt messed up

i was teetering on the edge of tears and also feeling really weird

she was going to notice that I was drunk, except i wasn’t drunk

and then my mum called

are you okay

and I just sort of

broke

LETS ACTUALLY EXPLAIN HOW IM FEELING FOR REAL

okay im so tired im just so tired, I feel like I’ve ben awake for four days and I don’t feel like im here I feel like im drunk, like I’ve had 3 wines and shots and beer and im tired and im ready to go home and I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve forgotten how I usually talk, I don’t even look like me everything is so wrong and weird and scary I honestly think im going mad, I can’t stop crying I have such a bad headache and I’ve just constantly felt drunk and blind. You know when your hammered and everything really bright and you can’t remember how to talk properly and your not really taking anything in because you feel weird and you can touch things and see things and talk to people but your not really there, I genuinely genuinely think I’ve gone mad  and I don’t know whether im going to see things like normal again. Here’s the thing, im alive I can breathe and talk and sleep and see and feel so I should be okay and objectively I am fine so why am I not its one of those things that I keep thinking about over and over to the point where my head is like “iS tHiS rEaLlY hApPeNiNg?” And then im like “iS wHaT rEaLlY hApPeNiNg?”. I used to not understand mental illnesses at all I was like just think of ofa, cats and rainbows but now I get thats its so much deeper in your brain than ofa, cats and rainbows. I used to say if I ever got dementia or something I’d fight it but how can you fight it when the it is the thing your fighting with. lol I’ve gone full blown mad. I know what you’re thinking if you have no idea what I’m talking about, if you’ve never had anything even close to this, if you are mentally dandy you’re thinking

Ella you sound mental just shut up, turn it off you’re fine you’re obsessing over nothing, you’re attention seeking, just stop thinking about it firstly, I am so happy and thankful that you feel normal and happy and go and enjoy your life because you can and secondly, I would do anything to turn this off and feel normal again, literally anything. But I can’t. not right now. I don’t know how. so. here’s my plan. I’m going to act fucking normal. I can still move. I am still alive, on this planet, even though I don’t feel like it. I still find things funny, I still can taste food, I can make jokes, and write songs and hang out with friends, even though I literally feel like I’m hiding something from everyone and I keep looking at everyone as if I’m a robot. but I’m going to sort this out, somehow. I’m going to sleep before midnight and wake up before 9, I’m going to give myself weekends, I’m going to do mindfullness meditation at 11am, and Im going to go running at least twice a week and eat healthy and drink water and not drink too many  soft drinks  and treat myself when I’ve done well and not overwhelm myself. And I’m going to go to a doctor, and then therapy, and deal with this. But this will not consume me. Yeah I feel fucking weird. Bring it. I’m so done with the constant buzz in my head - why do I feel like this why do i feel like this why do i feel like this I just do. And I can’t change it right now. It’s not going to turn off. and I can’t just stop the world until I feel normal again, because I’ll get to my 70s and be like well shit, I missed it all. So I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to watch  the videos that make me happy. And I’m going to laugh about the fact that I’m a bit mental.