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it's been a long time since i felt angry and let down like that. it's so minor maybe i'm pmsing LOL but sheesh i'm so annoyed. i've since forgotten what it was like to rely on my sanity and self control to not feel like absolute shit

have also been so worried about my future recently. i don't have passions or strengths, but i didnt even do the common sensical thing to choose a lucrative course. idek what i'm doing with my life. i need a counsellor but i only can see them in may LMAO fk nus pls hire more counsellors since there's clearly a high demand

i feel so fked

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have had a lot of thoughts today and they've been bugging me so let's go! tldr things didn't rly go right work wise today. i'll try to add how i can do sth about it from now on so the issue won't keep bugging me

1. the work order with the external vendor - I didn't email the person clearly enough and i know bc my boss stepped in to clarify -> think through emails more carefully and make sure i didn't lose any info, ask my boss to be very sure if am unsure of anything

2. the PO with the finance person - the instructions were vague and i didn't rly know what was happening but i just followed step by step instructions. she was frustrated at me (i could tell from her tone during the video call and i felt stupid) and i think my boss was also confused as to why the issue kept going back and forth when it was so simple -> already emailed about this, just wait for response

3. when i shared what i found for my project the past week, i don't think i got everything spot on and i think that didn't leave a very good impression. i know the scope is too broad and everything is still vague for now, but she must've felt that i could've done better -> work much harder to organise the info for next tue

4. thinking back to when i'm allowed to "lead" or speak during discussions, i never really manage to get the objectives right -> try to think about the points beforehand and speak as much as possible at one go, to cover more scope and hopefully miss out on less

5. i feel like i'm not as independent and capable as she had hoped i would be. i'm not sure if it's just me who's taking a bit more time to catch on compared to the other interns, and if that's the case that would feel sucky. maybe i'm also just extremely oversensitive bc ppl told me that everyone's tones are completely fine and it's just how people do things in the corporate world. but i rly want to present my best work only

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i guess i still do tend to overthink a lot. things have just gotten better because generally when we get angry we communicate more immediately and there's less room (or time) to overthink

but today was weird, i'm sure he was just tired as he said he was. i guess there were just some underlying things that irked him that he didn't bother to voice out when he was awake but only when he was more sleepy and irritable. i've done my part in expressing my apologies and how i didn't mean to make him feel a certain way. but his reply really gave me 0 reassurance that everything is okay. i know nothing is wrong and it isn't rly a big deal but maybe i'm still not used to how quickly his mood can change. because one moment i thought we were having a really really good time and the moment that ended, it was like a switch that flipped and everything changed

i think it's just scary how quickly he can go from feeling like the closest person in the world to me, to a stranger whose thoughts i cant comprehend. the mood changes are really unpredictable and it really scares me

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i wanted to ask why it's so hard to be happy but i already know the answer is because my happiness completely relies on someone else. how fucked up is that but how do i change it. i've literally not changed at all the past dk how many years, at the end of it all i'm always crying bc of boys who don't think about me even half as much as how much i think about them. i'm stupid and i think i'm rly not okay in the brain

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my goal from now on is to be desensitized to our arguments. and i was successful today!! idw to cry over stupid things anymore. i just want to be numb and unbothered. if something upsets me i want to be able to just go out with friends or do my own things and just take everything in stride. i'm so tired of being so emotionally vulnerable SHEESH. i want to be able to take everything as a joke and not give a shit so i won't be hurt anymore

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i’m not like you i cant just have shit stirred up then forget about it and carry on with everything else as if it doesn’t affect me

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seems like we’re going through a bit of a rough patch. i cant stop feeling like you’re not giving me enough, but i know you’re really trying. our patience with each other has also been thinning gradually. i am sorry bc know i’m the one who’s expecting too much and taking you for granted. but in the moment i just get tilted and can’t help but lash out a little. but thank you for still loving me. you didn’t text me back so i hope you reached home safe and legit just tohed. i love you a lot i’m really sorry for being difficult

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he would do so much for me; he would tolerate so much for me

so why am i always so nitpicky and easily affected by the stupidest things? i know by logic it makes zero sense to feel the way i do but i can’t shake the feeling off

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i rly dk whats my problem sia. i constantly feel like other ppl are judging me and looking down on me, so i get mentally defensive and antagonist all their words and actions. i feel so threatened easily. maybe it’s bc i’m so critical of other people so i think that’s how everyone treats everyone else as well. or maybe it’s just bc for some reason i get more insecure the older i become and i’m so scared of people thinking i’m inferior. well wtv it is it’s a retarded and it gets me upset and triggered for absolutely nothing

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rly sick of being stuck w my fam 24/7 i just want to be able to cry when i need to and be sad and not talk to anybody

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good vibes

ok so i rly need to rmb how lucky i am and how blessed i am with so many things in life instead of being a grumbly bitch all the time. i know i always swing back and forth between these 2 extreme moods but today i shall remind myself again to be grateful:

i’m scared to start uni bc i barely know anyone and i only signed up for one camp and didn’t get the hall i wanted but i’m grateful for being able to do a course im genuinely interested in, for having at least minetta in my course, for having meryl, karmen etc in the same uni, for being offered a scholarship and lastly for exclusive opportunities like being invited to the special programme in science.

sometimes i’m frustrated with junhao because i feel like he doesn’t know how to make me happy but he does put in effort and shows his love in other ways and he always tolerates my shit.

ok this is the one that motivated me to write this post. i need to stop taking my mum for granted and always losing my temper with her. sometimes i’m annoyed that she asks me to go home early and stuff but i have to rmb it’s my dad who’s being an asshole and making my mum bother me. my mum is always so patient with me and still loves me despite all my annoying ass and unjustified tantrums and she always always gives me what i want (which makes me into a brat so i need to unbrat myself). she always pays for my stuff that other ppl are expected to settle on their own and she always tries to be supportive with the things i do. i srsly need to appreciate her more and try to control my temper around her like legit

also some of my friends are fked up (ok just one) and i get annoyed by them so easily but aLL my other friends are nothing short of amazing and they’re always there for me so i should just ignore the toxic one and coexist with her within the cliques and let her do her own thing while i focus on my own self growth

ok that’s all for today good vibes positive energy yes very good

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even though i’ve been surrounding myself in so much depressing content today and my heart feels extremely heavy - from reading about the sri lanka bombings to watching videos on the sewol ferry incident - just thinking about junhao immediately lightens my mood and life doesn’t seem so dark anymore. he lacks a lot of traits i want in a guy but yet he has sides to him that are more important to a relationship than i would’ve thought. he really is such a mood changer for me and he gives me so much strength. i’m dreading work for the rest of this week especially friday but at least we’ll be able to spend time together over the weekend and watch endgame yay

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after a week of euphoria i’m back to my angry self. i’m so frustrated at everything and everyone for no good reason ughhhhhhh

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happy

this week has just been absolutely amazing

first i went to the NTU interview which i thought went absolutely like shit, but i had a good laugh over it and at least i didn’t have to go to work that day. then turns out somehow i actually passed that interview LMAO

on tuesday my baby returned from japan and on wednesday he had nights out and surprised me at work. it’s been almost 10 months with him, but the 1 hour we spent at the playground near tanah mrt was our most magical date yet. he said things he’s never said and for once he looked at me with what i felt was more love than lust. he told me how much he missed me and how he never knew he could miss me that much, and from the way he hugged and kissed me i could tell he meant it. we talked openly and candidly and for the first time in so long i actually felt loved. i actually felt butterflies in my stomach, and i was getting nervous and felt like me in sec sch or some shit when i was talking to a big big crush. it was so amazing and i knew how rare it was for him to be like that, so i cherished every second of that hour.

on thursday, work was so so mundane and only me and erlyn were on night shift so i had no one to talk to and i was so ready to just mop the floor and leave. but then limqi william and waseem swaggered into the cafe HAHAHA and i was so insanely surprised and happy. i felt bad bc they were rly hungry and our kitchen closed early but it was fun walking to chijmes and then just settling on macs lol. it was so thoughtful of them and i don’t even think they know how much that meant to me and how much it lifted my mood on that otherwise quiet night. we were just spouting bullshit the whole night and i also had a nice walk with waseem up the hill

on friday, the food hygiene course was absolutely dreadful but the night totally made up for it. william brought vodka to karaoke which i thought was super step but i still drank it and as usual i was gone. and junhao actually came down to take care of me even though he was tired af and i clung onto him the whole night. he was so shook by how retarded me and limqi were acting but i’m so thankful he was there and didn’t judge my stupid bloodshot face. even though it made me sad to see waseem so down, i was still high af so i didn’t rly do shit when he left early. but talking to limqi william and bb about william’s rs problems was great and i don’t rmb ever spending a better friday night

on saturday, junhao showered me with things he had bought for me from japan and i’m just so grateful. when we were nuaing he treated me with the same kind of tenderness as he did at the playground and i could not have felt more happy. we also took the longest nap ever together and at least for once i could fall asleep easily at his place. the dinner at night with bryan and issac’s families was also a rly good time and as usual i loved every second spent with that bunch. it was so nice to be able to see all of us together before those two idiots sacrifice their lives for army. we talked so much shit at macs after the fancy dinner and it was so nice to know that some things never change

sunday (today) i spent the whole day with junhao. granted, he wasn’t as romantic anymore as he had been and i could feel him slowly fading back to his old self. but it’s fine because i never rly expected him to always be like that. he’s still so nice and considerate of me despite my psycho gf attitude. dk why but it made my heart melt when his mum called and he said “我跟我的女朋友吃饭” HAHA it’s just new for me to hear that. then we went for mala and had some weird ass bbt but alls good

so basically this whole week has just been filled with so much love, joy and surprises. i know not every week will be like this but when i do get blessed and such happy times come by, i will cherish and appreciate each and every second of it. i need to find a way to give back to junhao bc he has no idea how happy he has made me this week. as of now, even though work is rly sian and tiring, i’m so happy with my life and i can’t appreciate everything more

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am i being a burden to u

do i want too much of ur time

do i want too much of ur attention

are u seriously that busy until u can only talk thrice a day

if i reply when you’re online u immediately go offline and vanish for hours

why be in a relationship if it makes me feel unwanted

q sian of this shit sia this isn’t even about personality or what anymore this is just about how much i mean to u and how much of your time you’re willing to give me

if you feel obligated to talk to me instead of actually wanting to then i think it says a lot

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i need to stop complaining

i complain about literally everything like wow i’m legit such a brat. i should be thankful for everything i have now in my life.

the recruitment agency woman is annoying as fuck but she’s helping me look for jobs and her job offers are actually really good so i should just stfu and pick up her calls, no matter how frequent they are and how pushy she is.

junhao is still the same unromantic man who actually forgot valentine’s day actually exists. but ytd when i told him i was feeling down, he (kind of) initiated a meetup today. it made me rly happy even though now his texts are still as unfeeling as ever. i know a day will come where we won’t be able to work out anymore, but i should take each day in stride and just be thankful that i still get to spend time with him now, despite the lack of attention and affection i’m receiving LMAO

i am thankful my bro did well for O’s and got into vj so he can do well again for A’s and have a bright future. i know he’s really smart. i hope he rly succeeds and ends up being rich and happy with Lily so he can support her and help her through her depression and lack of familial support.

i am thankful for Coco and Kiki and i hope they will always be healthy and contented. i want to make their lives the best they can be. everytime i cry they seem to sense it and always curl up next to me without fail. istg animals rly are the best their love is truly unconditional.

my mum has been less on my ass about where i’m out and who i’m with, so i should be grateful for that too. even though her best friend (and her spy to check shit on ME) is already accepting her own son getting a gf, and it seems like the whole world doesn’t give a shit about whether their children date anymore except for my parents, i guess it’s better than her asking for pics and shit.

i’m also thankful for MY BRAIN for being open to reading for once lol and actually getting excited over reading self help books. i need a lot of mental help LMAO and i hope i’ll be able to spend $$ on these books to help myself get over things when times get rough ah.

well that’s all for today LOL was honestly feeling kinda down in the dumps but i feel better now. dk how many times i’ve said this but i rly rly rly rly need to learn how to find happiness within myself and not depend on others or something, because if i tell myself i have to wait for something before i can be truly happy, then i never will be :-) so yea gotta learn to grow some balls and do things on my own that will make myself happy

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i don’t know why i’m being so paranoid but i’ve really been overthinking the past couple of days. i’m so afraid of losing you that every little thing that seems off makes me so anxious. i don’t know how to read you and it drives me crazy and tempts me to amplify everything in my head which just turns me into a whole ball of an emotional wreck. i don’t want history to repeat itself i don’t want to spend months crying every night before i go to sleep. i’m so confused with myself because just a few weeks ago i would’ve thought we were the most stable we could be yet here i am now doubting your every move. i want to tell you how i’m feeling now but i know you would be so confused and freaked out because you literally haven’t done anything wrong or vastly different. idk what to do to help myself