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Lost 2kg this month :))

Wasn't as strict as I was supposed to be but progress is progress

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I should try to do better and step out of my comfort zone and reach out. But I'm scared that if I do reach out and ask, I'll get a no. And somehow feeling lonely is better than being rejected when you ask somebody to hang out

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It really does suck. But I got my student loan approved. But at the same time I didn't notice that making friends as an adult is so goddamn hard. And I mean friends I can hang out with everyday, and not just once in a while. Would be nice to play some games with people. I think I'm gonna go back to writing fanfiction or knitting. I should go out more.

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I'm feeling lonely

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Being away from him hurts. I miss his daily company. Falling asleep together on voice calls, playing games. I hate how I always self sabotage. I want to communicate better and be more open, but a part of me refuses and always clamps up whenever I try. I crave affection and I want to feel loved again.

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Feeling very bloated. But I don't hate my reflection in the mirror today as much as I usually do. Hopefully it will pass and I'll survive today. 10 hours to go :))

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Spent Saturday playing games. Didn't eat much. I think a part of it was to make up for the fact that I ate 2 chicken curry baguettes. And that's like 1200 kcal in total, so.

[xsnow-bunny]

I'm at the ferry. It's roughly 19:30. I'm coming back from my mom's. I did eat a bit more than I planned today, but that's okay. I tried making up for it by walking 5km, so I don't feel too bad about eating.

I'm looking at the sky. Some of it is still baby blue, while when looking to the left I can see the sun slowly setting. I'm listening to music while admiring beautiful sky, sea and the mountains. Life doesn't seem that bad, in this moment.

Even if I'm enjoying the view alone.

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I ended up eating the Snickers and baguette again, since I bought two yesterday of each.

Also, thank god for sparkling water. Especially if it's with fruit flavor.

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I think I'll eat some instant ramen. Low kcal (the ones I find are usually like 180 kcal each bowl) and semi-filling and I get my salt for the next week/s

But they do taste pretty good

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Not a bad day when it comes to kcal but not having self confidence and not feeling sexy and being disgusted with myself is another matter. I kinda wanna cry. I guess I'll cry

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Ate a baguette with cheese and ham (600 kcal) and a Snickers bar along with hot cocoa from the coffee machine. So that amounts to about 950 kcal in total. Not a bad day

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Of course I'll check my weight next week to check the progress. Seeing the weight go down feels empowering. It motivates me to keep going.

[xsnow-bunny]

Well, ate barely anything yesterday. Met up with dad and basically binged a pack of cookies, which was about 600kcal in total. Pretty much the only thing I ate that day so I don't feel to bad about that one.

Usually I eat after coming back from work. For the next two weeks I'll be managing uni and work. Basically being away from home from 5 am til 5 pm. When I come back home I barely feel the hunger. It comes when I become bored. How do I know? If I was really hungry I would have cooked a proper meal, in my opinion. Not buying anything quick to eat does help when all you have in your freezer are frozen veggies and some meat. I do love to cook, but I hate doing the dishes.

As for today, I actually had some soup for breakfast. Came to about 200 kcal for the bowl.

[xsnow-bunny]

I guess this is my first post. Didn't know what to put as my nickname. Picked something with bunnies. I have 2 bunny plushies and I guess that's why.

I guess I finally made the account to vent about stuff. I've been holding in stuff for a while and I need an outlet. An echo chamber where I'll feel heard, but people probably won't find my posts. A good solution.

I started uni last month and juggling both work and uni has been hard. I regret not starting uni earlier. Everything is so expensive, but I'll manage. Applied for a loan so all that I'll have to manage will be living expenses.

Lately whenever I look in the mirror and see my reflection a strong feeling of self hate fills me every time. I hate looking at my body. Will I put in the work, will I take the steps? Yeah, sure, I already started taking them. I started dieting. Not eating and limiting my food intake is easy. At least when I have my reflection to remind me of what I look like. When I do forget, I have a chance to binge eat or stress eat. Not good.

I want to be like all the other girls. Dressed up pretty and dolled up. Getting compliments. I want to be like the girls that put in effort into their appearance and it pays off. Skincare routine. Working out. Wearing nice, fitting clothes. But I'm not sure where to start. I can start with the skincare. But getting into a routine can be so hard sometimes. I'm not sure where to start doing my research, what products to buy. Will I be able to afford them? As for the clothes, I could go to a clothing store, or a Goodwills, but we don't have any of those around here. Working out? Thinking of it fills me with dread. I'm embarrassed to show myself in public. I'm ashamed of my body. Even moving around at home, where I live alone, feels shameful. I hate the way I look.

I guess one of the main reasons as for why I started this blog was to analyze my own mental health when I'm in a good place mentally and what could be the cause as to why it declines. I also want to keep track of my weight loss.

Right now it's at about xx kg when I weighted myself today. Last week it was xx kg, so that's progress. I spoke with my doctor and we are getting me on MySimba. It's a drug that reduces stress eating and helps in weight loss by reducing your food intake. Honestly I've been taking it on and off. I suck at following a routine. So for the past two weeks I didn't take it. Only started taking it again two days ago. Sometimes they make me dissociate. Make me emotionally numb. I'm sure it's because of one of the main components. I remember one of them being classified as an antidepressant, depending on the European country. The other one, the one that's supposed to help me with my eating, is used for addicts to help them treat their addiction. I think it blocks some of the receptors so I don't feel rewarded or happy from eating and stuff. Which the medicine does work pretty great.

When I'll get my pay next week I'm planning on getting on a strict diet. For now I'm pretty broke. But it will be very restrictive. About 1k kcal. Which I do realize is too little for most people. But I do live a pretty inactive life, so. I did have a note somewhere, and I guess I'll attach it. The prices are in Norwegian Krones but I think the total will be about 100$ for a months worth of groceries.

I do know that milk has more calories, but I do like to drink coffee and tea. I have a bunch in my cupboard. About 25 different teas and coffees in total. But mostly teas. I don't really sweaten them. I do prefer sweeter coffee, though. If it's not sweet then it at least needs milk and I'll be good. I don't expect to lose 1kg a week each week. I just wanted to have a general idea of my daily burned kcal and make calculations based off of that. Oh well. We'll see how that goes. I'll get my pay sometime next week so I'll do my groceries then and that's when it's gonna start. For now I'll empty out my freezer and fridge of whatever leftover food I have. I have a bunch of spices and dry stuff like beans and lentils, frozen veggies and some meat. So it's not like I'm gonna starve until my payday. I have paid for all the other living expenses so I'm good to go. Usually people get their pay at the end or start of the month. I get it in the middle.

Oh, yeah, the calculations are based off of 4 weeks. So 28 days.