xthingsicantsayoutloud

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

I sometimes dont know if im just trying to convince myself than im fine or if i actually am. because i do feel a lot lighter and better ever since ive stopped feeling your negative energy around me but at the same time it feels weird to get over a 3.5 year relationship this quick. of course there are random times where reality hits me and thats okay but i was expecting to be completely torn apart if something like this where ever to happen. maybe i really was on autopilot for the last remaining year of the relationship. which makes me think if i‘m projecting my attachment i‘ve had towards you on someone else now. i did start questioning my love for you a long time before we parted ways which had its fair reasons so it makes me think that whatever was holding me back from leaving really was simply an attachment. im aware of the anxious attachment i have so it confuses me when it comes to meeting new people. do i get excited about you as a person or do i get excited about the feeling you‘ll give me that reminds me of love. is there really a personal attraction or is it me needing the feeling of being reassured that i could be lovable?

are we all just chasing the same feeling?

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

it‘s been 3 months since we‘ve parted ways and even though I‘ve spent countless nights in bed imagining the worst ways you could hurt me, I didn‘t expect for it to actually happen. The countless scenarios I‘ve made up in my head to prepare myself mentally for being hurt because my heart cannot fathom what it is like to be loved, were nonsense. When i found out you‘ve been sharing the same energy you where supposed to share with me, but didn‘t, with countless other women, all the ways that I imagined to confront you didn‘t matter anymore. I wasn‘t interested anymore in causing a scene. It felt like a switch turned off and I silently packed my things while you were deep asleep beside me. I said goodbye to the cats and a silent goodbye to the memories I‘ve made in that house which I will forever cherish. I gave you the chance to tell me the truth but you didn‘t. Like you always did. I should‘ve listened to my gut which was churning everytime i caught you in a small lie. Should‘ve listened to my gut everytime i felt like i had to run. Should‘ve listened to my gut when it told me there would be no future for us. Should‘ve listened to my gut which was screaming to be heard but wasn‘t.

I sometimes feel bad to have found someone else within that short period of time after having spent 3.5 years with you. But in hindsight it felt like i was on autopilot for the last year. It felt like my energy was being sucked out of me and it wouldnt stop. All of the love and energy I‘ve put into you every day. I genuinely tried to help you become a happier version of yourself but it tore me apart to be battling with my own voices and the only energy I had left, I put into you in order to help you battle your voices. To be dealing with that everyday left me with no energy to look after myself. I started to convince myself that things were getting better but the more i think about it the more it felt like i was just getting numb to the feeling. I‘ll be forever grateful for the things I‘ve learnt about myself throughout our time together. I‘m trying to have a positive outlook on the fact that I got cheated on for a whole year by a person nobody wouldve expected it from but it makes it hard to not be mad at the fact that you knew all of my trauma and issues from my childhood and decided to do the exact same thing, if not even worse.

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

i dont know how to describe to you the way it feels when i hear you talking about how hard life is for you. I don‘t want to seem selfish but my condition makes me feel emotions 100 times more intense than i should be normally feeling. Add that to the amount of love and care i have for you and it makes it almost unbearable. Theres not much that brings me down as much as when hearing you talk about how pointless life seems for you. And this is coming from someone who is suicidal. I wish I was strong enough to withstand your rather negative outlook on life but its hard for me to not get caught up in it too when i myself am trying to become a better version. I‘m torn between putting myself first in a way where i distance myself from any negativity in order to heal or healing in a way where i learn to become patient with another person struggling, in order for love to bloom. The kind of love that i have searched for more than half of my life.

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I had met you at another time. Would you still make me feel this way? Would you still be so sad and angry at yourself to make me feel this bad? You tell me that it‘s only a phase and that I need to give you some time so you can feel comfortable with yourself in order to give me as much love as I deserve. And I‘m left wondering if you had to say the same thing to your ex girlfriends aswell. Did they have to cope with your outbursts aswell? Did they have to put their feelings aside because you had too much on your mind already aswell? Were they enduring your temper aswell? hoping that you will eventually find inner peace but not having the patience or strength to wait any longer? You told me you started to feel unhappy with yourself recently so what if I‘m really just the one girl stuck on conditions where it makes it harder for the both of us to love and be loved?

Do I leave before my mental health is declining even more or do I hope and trust that you will eventually give me the love I need? I know I‘m not easy to maintain either and I appreciate your patience with me which is why it makes me want to be patient with you aswell. But I don‘t know how much longer I can hold my breath until you can finally let me breathe again.

Is it my gut telling me to run or is it my anxious attachment?

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

Little Kid

You’ve started to remind me how beautiful life actually is. You’ve started to remind me of how it feels like to be loved, to feel wanted. And it scares the shit out of me. I’m not used to feeling love. I’ve never really received any love. Not the type of love you read in books or see on TV. I’ve been told countless of times by my family that I am loved. That they’re here for me if I need them. That they’re proud of me. But I never once  f e l t  it. It’s always been empty words that I’ve been told and I started to forget that words are supposed to have an action behind them. My whole life I’ve been forced to believe that whatever I was receiving was love. It completely changed my idea and perception of it. It confuses and forced me to believe that being overly protective and borderline obsessive is called love. It made me believe that having to cut everyone out of your life for your partner is called love. It made me believe that invalidating my own feelings and needs as long as my partner is happy, is love.

I’ve always liked to read love stories which made me long for that type of love a lot. I wanted to feel that way aswell. Wanted to know what it was like to have someone completely and utterly be in love with you. To know that there’s that one person, that would do anything for you. That one person that would protect you from all the bad. That one person that would protect me form myself. I never believed it was real. I always thought people would just over romanticise their relationships. I never learnt how it feels to be someones number one priority. I never learnt how it feels to know that you’re on someones mind 24/7. It was always me dreaming about others. It was always my mind being occupied by another face. But I never got to be on the other side.

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

I cried in front of you tonight. I don‘t remember the last time I felt this vulnerable. And you made me feel so validated. You made me feel so heard and my heart was aching. You told me shit no one has ever told me before. Please, you made me feel so special the way no one else has before and my heart was aching. I was crying in front of you and you were still able to make me feel special. You even told me that the way I speak, is magic itself. You told me that me walking in front of you already has you in awe and my heart was aching. I‘ve never heard anyone say that. I never thought anyone would feel this way towards me. my heart is aching

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

I‘ve started to question my friends and it‘s tearing me apart. Are they really such bad friends and I‘ve finally realized it because I‘ve been so blinded by joy? Or am I just letting my mental disorder take over my true being? I feel like I‘m going insane once again.

Real friends.

Is it okay for them to make fun of or be annoyed by my episodes? Is it okay for them to make fun of women trying to conquer sexism? Is it okay for them to talk about me behind my back saying something‘s wrong with me? They don‘t take me serious or at least they make me feel like they don‘t. It‘s always „may stop worrying don‘t make such a scene“ instead of „hey are you okay? what‘s wrong“ Some things don‘t even have to do with me directly. It‘s just that they have different values and i‘m starting to lose my nerves because I seem to notice how different those values are more frequently and it‘s making me wonder why I‘m friends with people (guys) that are uncomfortable in the presence of homosexuals.

On the other hand. They do care. (i think?) They tell me they love me. They include me in everything (or is it because I‘m the driver?) They listen when I‘m sad and need to talk.

You see it‘s difficult for me to find more reasons as to why they‘d be good friends, than reasons as to why they‘d be bad friends and I‘m genuinely concerned.

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

October 5th 2020

There’s so much going on inside of me. Too much. There’s so much anger, so much hatred. So many fucking voices tearing me in half and I don’t now which voices to believe. So many demons I don’t know how to control them. They make me do things I normally wouldn’t do. They make me forget who I really am. I’m losing myself more and more every day. What is real, what is not? What defines me, what is only a disorder? 

Somedays I’m walking around with a giant black shadow hanging over me, dragging me to the ground, suffocating me. Making me unable to smile, to move, to think, to breathe. Somedays I’m walking around with a crown on my head, feeling like a godess, knowing I’m worth so much more, making me forget all of my problems, feeling like I’m able to kill a man if I wanted to. Somedays I’m walking around with so much joy inside of me, so much energy, unable to sleep at night because I’m already planning my next adventure, having so much love for everybody, feeling like I can conquer every single one of my problems. And then somedays I’m walking around with a big emptiness inside of me, not feeling anything, not caring if I’d lose my friends, not caring if I’d die right on the spot, numb, empty. 

There’s nothing inbetween. I forgot what normal feels like.

So what is real and what is not? Which days are me which days are my disorder?

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

i‘ve dreaded this day but it had to come.

your chapter has ended. you were my favorite.

i will close my book for a while now.

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

is there a way to delete myself

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

i wish you wouldn‘t tell me how important i am to you when you‘re not able to show me. i wish you wouldn‘t hold me in your arms at night when you can‘t tell me that you feel the same. i wish i wouldn‘t put your affection over my own mental health. i wish i was able to let you go. i wish i was able to not feel love.

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

it tears me apart to know that I‘m willing to do anything for you. I‘d sacrifice my life for you without a second thought and you‘d still choose a girl living in another country over me. I‘ve asked myself this every day for over half a year. Why do I put you as my first priority when I know that you‘d still choose her over me no matter what. What more do I have to give you for you to finally understand how I‘m feeling. What more do I have to do for you to love me back.

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

it‘s hard to find someone else to take my mind off of you when you‘re everything I want

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

I‘m mad at you for not seeing the way I look at you. I‘m mad at you for not seeing all the things I‘d be willing to give up for you. I‘m mad at you for not seeing all the things I‘d do for you. I‘m mad at you for not seeing how I‘d treat you the best. I‘m mad at you for not seeing how I would go out of my way to make you happy. I‘m mad at you for not seeing how much I actually care for you. I‘m mad at you for not seeing how much you actually mean to me. I‘m mad at you for being so blind.

I‘m mad at you for not reading this.

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

“They look at each other like they were almost lovers, like they should have kissed and made love and laughed in bed together, but they chose to stay friends instead. They look at each other with what ifs and could haves and hearts full of regrets.”

— Nikita Gill

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

I wish I was able to feel love without being afraid of the consequences

[xthingsicantsayoutloud]

.

Okay listen, I‘m SCARED SHITLESS PLS DON‘T LEAVE ME I PROMISE I‘M NOT THAT BAD