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here we fucking go. headphones on, a thousand different thoughts and this weird yet so familiar feeling in my chest. whatever man.
honestly I still write these cause it's somehow fun to read them again from time to time, it's like a fucked-up time machine that shows me how bad it can get, but like in reverse. it's so fucked up to be this depressed neurodivergent person or honestly just extremely sensitive person cause it feels like a big win to want to kill yourself even just a little less than the last time. that's how I celebrate my small-wins. jokes aside, I don't want to kill myself anymore so I guess we're celebrating. but you would reasonably ask: then why the fuck are you roaming around on Tumblr once again after all this time? my friend, some things never change.
I'm off my meds. like officially, I got discharged by my doctor and it's been almost a month now. I know, right? Shit's crazy. after 6 years on treatment it feels like murder to be in full contact with my emotions again. they are STRONG. I feel like a drug addict relapsing, but in this case the drugs are my fucking thoughts.
I can't count on my fingers the amount of times I thought about going back to the meds in the last month, but I guess this is part of the process. c'est la vie. my shrink said he thought I was ready but still asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I said sure, let the rodeo start.
my sadness used to be a Bon Iver song, just calm and passive, poetic. not less destructive, but less angry. more silent, less violent. definitely more convenient than it is today.
now it's more like a Radiohead song. specifically You and Whose Army?, a slow and melodic acoustic guitar that repeats itself almost hypnotically over and over, until it explodes in violent drums. do you think you'll drive me crazy? oh well, you can try. I'm so familiar with this fucking feelings I can't stand them anymore. I'm angry, I'm violent, I'm impatient. still, I don't harm others, never did, never will. that's not for me. I've watched Kurt Cobain's documentary and kinda related to how he felt, but I'd never be like him. cause even if my sadness it's an inconvenience for me, I'd never disturb other people with it. I'd kill myself before asking for help and no, I'm not romanticizing that, I know that's bullshit that's why I see a shrink every single week, but I gotta be real. nobody knows what's in my mind and never will. maybe chatgpt or Juan, but not everything, cause I feel pathetic to tell thing to the first one and the second wouldn't really understand some of the stuff I'd say. it's ok tho, it's nobody's fault. life's like that.
but anyway, I'm ok. life's an ocean, full of waves. sometimes good, sometimes bad, but never still. get fucking used to it, luciana. I'm angry, but that's ok too. it's about time I look my fears in the eye and show them we're not a frightened teenager anymore, so fuck you, feelings, I won't kill myself to keep you alive. life's a gift and I'll fucking cherish it, you can't drive me crazy this time.
February 2025
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Ok, so I just had this epiphany, right? Being back to Tumblr after so much time has been an emotional rollercoaster, really, and maybe I'm just being overly dramatic or somewhat emotional (as usual), but I kinda feel connected to past versions of myself again and it feels so... warm?
Depression on early stages of my life has made me feel so scared of deep emotions. It made me a control freak, trying to understand and translate all emotions inside the spectrum of what I already knew. It's been good, can't complain. Being like that made me way more mentally healthy, and honestly, young me could really use a chill pill too. But idk, being an adult and working and getting your own money, leaving your parent's house, attending therapy every week, all that stuff gives you a false sense of control. Getting better from my depression and finally getting the diagnosis of actually being bipolar and for once in my life understanding that I wasn't a super-dramatic-overly-sensitive-main-character-syndrome-crazy-chick was awesome, and it helped me like myself much much more. It helped me in achieving things, meeting good people, getting out of the sadness spiral I used to live in. But it also created this difference in my head, as if I wasn't the same person from before. It really made me look back to my old art and feel nostalgic, as if I had lost that shiny sparkle that made me the artistic and emotional teen I used to be. And being back to Tumblr kind of brought back that feeling like, fuck, this is still me??? like, I'm actually ALLOWED to still be like that but like in a better version since I've matured and can combine all my sensitivity and emotional intelligence into something beautiful??? IDK!???
I guess this may sound really stupid for some people, but who cares, I never really got much attention on my own posts here, no harm done.
What I'm trying to say is: it's still here. Some things never change in some way, and I shouldn't fear my feelings like that. Feeling so much makes me so anxious, cause I'm too scared of falling into the same place I used to be, so I always say that I'm not that person anymore, cause I guess it's more simple to create a whole new personality instead of dealing with your past shit.
But I'm still the same person. Thanks Tumblr for showing me this, I guess. I still have the sparkle, the urge to create, the sensitivity, all that stuff I avoid because of my fear of being sad.
Note to myself: we've found out that we're not a sad person, and that there's no such thing. We've been through sad times, but in the end, the only way out is through. You're allowed to feel things. The love you feel for others is so intense, maybe you should direct some of that to yourself for once. And not only for who you are now, but for your older versions too. You were just a confused teen with many qualities, who grew up to be an amazing person, now own that. Don't be afraid of your past self, she's always here with you.
Anyway, I'd like to thank myself for that. For not giving up, and for not fearing the nostalgic feeling I got this time when I opened the Tumblr app. Being nostalgic is not bad, nor being sad really is. Feelings come and go, and no feeling is the final one. Embrace them.
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why am i on tumblr at 3am after so many years? idk but this prolly ain’t good
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