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[xxmmxix]

You’re no ruler, nor God

I just waked up. Looked at my phone to see if I’d received any notifications. Last night, I spend time on me and my relations with my friends. Therefore, it was important for me to check my notifications in the moment I woke up. I’d unseen messages on Discord. I fell asleep when I didn’t want to, but in this situation I didn’t care. I got nothing to lose. I felt safe. 

Suddenly you called me. I think three minutes had passed or something like that. Hearing from you made me sad. I become vulnerable. Even though I love to be vulnerable and authentic I feel it doesn’t help. You got your mindset. You’re seeing me as the bad guy, the enemy. For this to work we need to work together and not work against each other. I don’t know how we’re going to come back. In the phone, I told you about the beginning. In the beginning, where you forced the relationship on me and wanted to spend more and more time with me. I shouldn’t have giving you it. I understand that today, because when I explained you the situation you’re happy with your choices. When I need the same from you return, you see it as unfair. You say you’ve giving me too much time. How can you love me, if you feel that way? What’s love for you? 

Is everything going to be okay? I’ve my doubts. You’re pushing me away. I confronted you, and then you pushed me away again. Yesterday, you wasn’t fair to me. You called me a whore, you said: “Fuck you, fuck your family”, you degraded me in any ways. You’ve told me about your behaviour before. You told me you would blame others in the moment of your aggression. I don’t find it to be fair. As strong as I’m, I choose to reach out to you. Not because I wanna find a way back with you, but simply because I care about you. I don’t wanna my best piece of glass to be broken. To hurt or something else. That’s not the kind of person I’m.

Something which hurts me is about when we were in call with Diab. He demeaned me. You didn’t stand up for me. I don’t understand how you could let externals treat me like that. 

I’ve always known there’s cultural differences between people, their sect, society, countries and so on. You’re from Bosnia. The man is the head of the family there. Well, that’s what it’s been for decades. When I met you, you told me you were openminded and so did you seem. By the time we’ve been in contact, learned more and more about each other, I’ve realised you still stand there in some way. You believe the man should have the loudest voice in the relationship. Our struggle is you’re not good enough to let me in. Yeah, I know it’s a process, but you need to let me into your universe and also be there for me. Shit, shouldn’t always be on your terms. We need to help each other. 

Everyone around me tells me I should run away from you. I’ve told them about the situation. I’ve told all. The bad and good. They’re thinking I’m too pure in this world. They think you should be the one, who should beg for my forgiveness. You should say sorry. You should man up. You should be strong for me.

[xxmmxix]

Thoughts and feelings

For this to work, we need to team up, work together and help each other with growing. We’re both young adults, who fights for success. Today you made me happy. Happy by telling me about your feelings. You told me about I didn’t appreciate you for all the times you’ve been there for me. I appreciate it. I really do. The thing is I needed to hear it multiply of times. I know you’ve said it before, but you actually explained it for me today. I’ve been out of myself lately. I don’t wanna blame you for it. I wanna blame us for it. For our miscommunication. I didn’t get it. I needed to hear it multiply of times. I need you to be the strong one. I’m fighting for us. To make it good, but you need to put an effort in it too, and you need to explain it for me. Well, only if you wanna keep me. A relationship is like a flower, it needs to be watered. I wanna meet you. I promised you it. I promised you one day would meet me and from the day I promised it, I’ve never wanted to not keep the promise. No matter the price. Right now I’m tired. A lot has been going on. I learned from you, no matter what’s going on in our relationship it should stay between you and I. Yeah, I didn’t understand the meaning of it before, but I do the day today. It makes sense. It makes me happy to know you asked for another chance. I wished you’d begged me to stay, because what you’d been doing to me had made me sad, but everything is fine. We’re both strong, and we’ve always been that. I told you know matter what I would always wanna keep you. No matter the circumstances. The reason to that was I met you at a time no one was expected. First time we ever spoke felt like we’d known each other for years. I suppose it means you’re my soulmate, but to be honest I really don’t understand the meaning of it. Then again I do. My feelings are a bit mixed. I don’t feel safe about your feelings for me. Even though I fucking love you. The reason to why I wanted to break it off is because it’s easier and because I need to study soon. I don’t have time for getting hurt. It’s my future it’s about. Our future. I believe if our love really is real, it will survive everything. Even a break or so on. I’ve told you, I’m yours. I’m always going to be fully dedicated to you. The question is would you do the same in return? 

For some reason, I’ve felt you stopped loving me. You started playing like crazy. It felt like you didn’t have any time for me anymore. When you started playing in a team, I felt worse. You told me you think I’ve too much free time and you kinda indicated I don’t have lots of friends. The fact is I spend my time on you. I wanna be available for you. I’ve people around me who cares so fucking much for my happiness and wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. I’ve people who wanna meet and hang out, but the thing is, you’re my world. You’re my first priority. You got power over me. 

I want to know if I should stop fighting. If I should stop fighting for us and what we can become.