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The Sexy Factor

A couple months ago, a guy I’d had a crush on for months, asked me out for drinks. It was out of the blue and a total shock to me because I had no idea he had any interest in me. I must say, even though I was crushing on him for a while, I still struggled with going out with him because he was a co-worker. Generally, getting involved with a co-worker is never a good idea, but his eyes speak to my soul and his smile makes me weak.

How could I say no?

Plus.. I’d only heard good things about him, he seemed like a genuinely good guy, and I assumed he wasn’t the type to wrong someone he has to see on a daily basis.

The date went as well as i could have hoped. He was sweet and charming and we had great chemistry. He had said he wanted to spend more time with me and get to know me and I (stupidly) let myself be excited and hopeful. I felt so amazing wrapped up in him that I let my guard down. I was weak.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, after me telling him how much I like him, he makes it clear he’s only interested in sleeping with me.

Time stops and the knife pierces my heart, as it always does when I learn this…and this happens often. I just didn’t see it coming this time. I thought this one was different. I fight back the tears and I am angry. Hurt. And as always, left wondering, why is this always my outcome? Is it me? What am I doing wrong? Why is it only sex they want from me? Everyone tells me it’s the men I choose, but I disagree. The men I have dated are vastly different and I refuse to believe not even one of them wants anything more than sex. It is something within ME and I have not stopped analyzing it since.

I finally have a theory.

I’m calling it the ‘Sexy Factor’

Hear me out.

People can be many things. Cute. Attractive. Hot. Pretty. But some people are just plain sexy. And I mean it in a way that to certain other people, they just exude sex. Their body radiates it. Maybe because they are sexual people by nature, passionate, deep, inherently SEXY. I know someone comes to mind when you try and picture this. For me, it’s Damon Salvatore on Vampire Diaries. I mean… come on. That man is pure sex. Not only is he hot as hell. The way he holds himself? The confidence, the way he talks, that thing he does with his eyes…! When you see these people, your mind goes blank and all you can think of is what you would like to do to them in the bedroom. When I see Damon, do I imagine going on many nice dates with him and wondering who he is as a person? Not immediately, no. Because my brain can’t get past how damn sexy he is. I’m entranced. We all know people like this. And I bet for the most part, they aren’t in relationships. Most guys I know like this are f*ckboys. Some of these people aren’t even ones I’d say are ‘hot’ or even by society standards, attractive. I’ve been super attracted to guys before who I’ve wondered why I found them attractive. And have been asked what I see in them. They had the sexy factor. It’s an energy. A vibe. Their pheromones were speaking to mine on another level. It’s a chemistry. It’s a science I just can’t explain.

Now I’ve never found myself to even really be that attractive to be honest. But I have definitely gotten some pretty hot guys so I must have something. I do tend to make a lot of sexual references, am a huge flirt and I’m sure my passion seeps out of me like sap from a maple tree. Do my tattoos, purple hair, black nails and quiet nature subconsciously signal that I’m a freak…?

Are my pheromones scrambling men’s brains?

Do I have the sexy factor….?

Am I connecting on only a surface primal level and not on a deep emotional level?

The other part to this theory is that maybe my being a very independent, strong and picky as hell woman makes it very hard for a man to be sure he will measure up to my extremely high standards. Maybe these men feel that if they can get me into bed and satisfy me in the one way the are sure they know how, their fragile egos will have a little more confidence they can satisfy me in other ways as well.

I know this to be true because I am guilty of it myself. I have found myself thinking at times that someone is out of my league and there was no way I would try to date them. Even those who have been interested in me. I have still turned them down because of my feelings of being inadequate for them.

Also because if I had a dollar every time I’ve been called “intimidating,” I could buy myself a Ferrari AND a beach house to park it at.

Am I sending the wrong signals?

Is my energy/vibe/chemistry blocking men’s brains from seeing anything past getting me in the backseat of the car??

Are all the things I love about myself the very same things that are keeping me from finding and keeping the right man?

I don’t really know. But, Honestly, it’s the best theory I’ve got because I’m one hell of a catch and I am finding it difficult to understand why the guys I have dated can’t see that. They’re all fucking idiots and have absolutely no idea what they gave up. I can hope that maybe just some of them kick themselves every so often with regret.

For now, I will keep (im)patiently waiting for that strong, confident man who knows what he wants, isn’t scared of emotions, commitment or a strong woman. Because that is what I deserve and no matter what energy I give off, I know the right person will be drawn to it. 💜

-Raven