xyzosia-blog - Tumblr blog

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— “so now tell me, is it worse seeing the light and then losing it, or not having it at all?” | g.f.

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You’re at my place, sweetie. Wanna move in?

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Keep me up till five because all your stars are out, and for no other reason.

J.D. Salinger, Seymour: An Introduction (via wehopeyouhaveenjoyedtheshow)

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Alicia Vikander on stage during rehearsals for the 89th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 25, 2017 in Hollywood, California.

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Text || Z&A

Ashlyn: That's cute.Ashlyn: No. I do. I shouldn't be alive. So I deserve to be going through this.

Zosia: do you want a distraction?

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Text || Z&A

Ashlyn: Will you be patient? I promise, I'm trying.Ashlyn: Don't be sorry. It's my own fault.

Zosia: absolutely. I'll be so patient the doctors might confuse me for an actual patient.

Zosia: doesn't mean you deserve to be going through it.

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Text || Z&A

Ashlyn: I would love that if it weren't for the no overnight guest rule. One month and then... maybe that can happen? You at my bedside I meant.

Ashlyn: I'm doing ok. I am going through withdrawal. I forgot how unbearable it was.

Zosia: Maybe I could get them to bend the rules for an extra hour, at least. I'll be patient either way.

Zosia: I'm sorry. I wish I could help alleviate how you're feeling so the time would pass quicker.. I'm really proud of you for trying.

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I read in the paper last week about a woman who could choose what she wanted to feel in different situations. She had something wrong that disconnected her emotionally from her surroundings. She described her inner self as a… hotel. So, every morning, she’d wake up in a different room, and if that one didn’t suit her, she’d simply shift it to another.

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Text || Z&A

Ashlyn: I ran out of reading materials.. that's about it

Ashlyn: how have you been

Zosia: I'm sure I can pull something decent out of the books stacked in my car.. finally finished packing up the last of my things from the mansion. Now I'm considering moving in to live permanently at your bedside for the next little while.

Zosia: I'll feel better when you are.

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Text || Z&A

Ashlyn: I'm still at Seafield.

Ashlyn: I've still got another month.

💬

Zosia: do you want me to bring anything up to you?

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Text || Z&A

Ashlyn: I'm trying.

Ashlyn: I never got to apologize. When can I see you again?

Zosia: Soon. In a few hours.

Zosia: Where can you be found?

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kaylaxtedfort:

Kayla shifted Zosia around in her lap, a faint smile growing at the hardly veiled attempt at humour. It brought a sense of nostalgia, though Kayla could hardly remember the last time she had a bed time she abided to or the last time sleep had been a welcomed activity. Her hand restarted its movement underneath Zosia’s shirt, just above her hip bone and Kayla closed her eyes as she listened to Zosia’s soft voice cary throughout the room. If anything, Zosia was the only one had been able to wake her up from the nightmares, and she didn’t doubt in the girl’s ability to physically hurt her if she herself was being hurt. It was the question, that forsaken question, that sparked electricity in the air like the crack of a whip and Kayla’s hand stilled as her eyes slowly opened. Although the question called for a repetition, Kayla forgoed words entirely, choosing instead to bring a hand to Zosia’s cheek to pull her into a kiss, slow and steady but quickly growing more heated. Whereas she’d been asking for sleep previously, now Kayla felt a desire to do something a little different then sleep. She dropped her hands, but kept the kiss going, and tucked them underneath Zosia before pushing herself off the couch and lifting the girl in her arms. The movement, unfortunately, jolted Zosia’s lips from her and Kayla barely stifled a low growl of frustration as she began walking back towards her room, Zosia bridal style in her arms. “I don’t think you know what I can do,” Kayla murmured softly. A smile broke out on her face as she pushed open the door. “But I’m about to show you.”

Good opportunities were so rarely awarded, but Zosia was on top of it this time. She’d be damned if she let this one slip out from under her. Quite literally. Dark lashes fluttering to a gentle close, her caressing hand fell distractedly to the side as her new life goal became to calculate efficient ways to inch as close to Kayla as possible while remaining decently on her lap. The air against her unoccupied hand felt startlingly cool compared to Kayla’s warmth, and she quickly slid it back into place gripped by her waist instead. Devoid of any hesitance or resistance, she melted into each decadent kiss as if it was their first encounter all over again. Both arms eventually moved to loosely wrap around the girl’s neck, fingers curling to grab onto small fistfuls of her shirt’s fabric. Yet again, awareness toward anything else was pushed to the back of her mind and she barely registered that they were on the move somewhere else. Her one-track mind was placed on pause only after an unfortunate jostle forced their lips to separate. Breathing in a slow revival of her lungs that preceded a deep and longing exhale, she glanced coyly at her carrier with a faintly flushed complexion, “Mm. Well I've spent more than my fair share of time wondering about it, anyway,” she admitted in a low whisper, leaning forth to hide her face at the side of Kayla’s neck where she took her time leading several kisses up to her jawline. So absorbed in the task and the taste of Kayla’s skin, she nearly forgot she had an incomplete sentence to finish, “Yeah, I think I definitely enjoy this ‘showing’ business far better.”

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

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kaylaxtedfort:

Kayla debated Zosia’s answer in her head. For her, December had been okay, it was January that had felt like a tumultuous ocean, but at least Kayla didn’t have another life to worry about. Well, she had Brutus, but he worried enough for the both of them. Ever since Frankie had left, Kayla’s night had been restless and full of horrid dreams intensified by the knowledge that she had willingly signed herself up for a journey back into the stuff that created nightmares. “I confess, just now I have felt the exhaustion of the last two months.” Her hands fiddled with Zosia’s shirt. “Would it be terribly wise to ask you to sleep with me knowing what I’m capable of?”

"It’s way past your bedtime, that’s why.” Zosia stated, knowing very well this wasn’t true, she yearned to bring about even a sliver of lightheartedness to an otherwise serious matter. There was a complicated list of reasons, bullet points upon bullets, to blame for the night being unpleasant. Though, after joining Kayla in her room those first few evenings, Zosia had decided she much preferred having the jolt of panicked movements beside her than the alternative --- laying in a bed alone with the numbing swirl of thoughts that would arise without any distraction. Their past experiences may have varied and afflicted them to different degrees, but one undeniable trait remained common; avoiding sleep for as long as possible wasn’t a choice so much as it was a necessity. Nowadays, unable to retreat to previous drastic methods of starving herself from much needed shut eye, a cloud of lethargy hung in the background of Zosia’s mind instead. Her quantity may have been forced to increase, but the quality was just as disturbed. External assistance had been the closest she’d come to receiving a break from it all. She moved a hand to caress Kayla’s cheek, fingertips gingerly trailing along her cheekbone, "I think it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the universe to do,” she began, mumbling quietly despite her confidence in her answer, “I’m not bothered by what you can or cannot do, I can handle it. We are who we are... but, that hardly felt like a real invitation to me. ” She took a deep breath before her demeanor changed, “Try asking me again,” the faint indent of one of her dimples grew more pronounced as she fought back a fond smile,  “properly.”

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

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Text || Z&A

Ashlyn: How are you doing?

Zosia: I don't know. How are you?

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Text || Z&A

Ashlyn: Hi.

Zosia: Hey.

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kaylaxtedfort:

It took a few minutes of sitting in silence, letting Zosia’s words wash over her before Kayla’s heart regained a normal pace. Her eyes were dry now, no tears shed and although she had been taught by Frankie that it was okay to cry, Kayla was glad she hadn’t. The words brought out a sense of warmth in Kayla and she pulled Zosia back across her lap before burying her face in her neck and pressing a small kiss to the girl’s collar bone. “Zosia,” she mumbled against her neck, “I… I can’t.. say it but.. please know, how, I feel. Please.” She wrapped her arms around Zosia’s waist again, held her against her and took a deep breath in before looking up at the girl through her eyelashes. “Have you been sleeping Zosia? Have you been taking care of yourself?”

Zosia began to play with the ends of Kayla’s hair the moment she was in reach, using the peaceful opportunity to soothe herself, focussed on the gestures rather than her nerves. It was a different feeling than the one she’d had walking into the apartment. Then, she had been wracked with anticipation toward the unknown of crossing a bridge she could never uncross. Now, she was half-heartedly awaiting to be suddenly woken up, miles away, with this version of events nothing but a bittersweet dream. It had to be real, she reasoned, for it was far from perfect. As soon as she thought about the future it became more painful than joyous, as reality always was. She was steadied by way Kayla held her, able to surrender the heavier thoughts for more uplifting ones of her. “I believe you. I hear it anyway.” She murmured, lightly giving a kiss to the top of the Kayla’s head. Initially, she shrugged dismissively at the inquiry, reluctant to answer when it was impossible for her to believably lie in Kayla’s presence. “Uh, kind of,” she mumbled, keeping the answer purposefully ambiguous, “Everything still comes and goes in waves. December was, you know, a low point. Beyond that it’s been... average...” she trailed off, shaking her head, “It’s fine now, I --- we’re fine.” They had to be. She learned the hard way that she couldn’t let herself slip without passenger #2 being miserably dragged along for the ride. Not wanting to seem too hopeful for the subject to be turned around, Zosia shifted her weight slightly before letting her eyes search the girl’s face, “Have you?”

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)