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yaboyjayboy-blog · 7 years ago

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Oh boi that’s a tough journey

Here’s a story of how I tried to find myself and become myself. Get ready for a long ass post full of cringe and shame.

0-10yo: no memories

11-12yo: starting middle school. A private catholic school. Which means half the students were ten times richer than me. The other ones were troubled kids whose parents were convinced private school would take them back to obey to authority. Both categories were bullying me. Doesn’t make it easy to fit in when the only solution to do so is to be dressed like everyone else but just their t-shirt is more money than your mom’s salary. So what did I do to “find myself”? I became a cheap version of them. Didn’t work.

13yo: ya kid got rebel. Trying so hard, way too hard to be different. I was already hanging out online before but at this age it became significant. I tried:

hiphop breakdance. Wanted to identify to the dancers I was training with. Fail.

new music. I was basically listening to 30STM, Linkin Park old songs, BVB, Sum41, some Japanese metal band and Saez (if you know this guy then you know where I’m from AND what type of annoying kid I was).

being famous on Ask.fm. Never worked don’t get me wrong. Just tried it. Since I had no respect or anything from anyone IRL, I tried to get it IVL.

looking different. Dressing all in black, always wearing long sweatshirts and leggings and Dr Martens boots. This one lasted until I was almost 15yo-

All that, were attempts to be different and I thought that was how I would find myself and become honest with myself. But I also wanted other people’s attention. And I wanted, really wanted to stop the hate. I was trying so hard to not be like the other girls (here you go, my assigned gender, you’re welcome) and I hated them for being “superficial and stupid” and also hated guys. Was doing everything to not be yo typical girl. But I actually was so basic by doing that.

14-15yo: not much memories, but I know I was still trying hard to let everyone know that my style and interests were so different from theirs. Which was dumb cause nobody cares duh. And cause I was forcing some of that onto myself. I also tried to be a #fitgirl and was restricting my food and working out and watching and following these fitness youtubers and intagrammers and even had an app to track workout and show off ya body. Ew.

16-17yo: from end of being 15 to that, everything is mixed up. But I started to discover that I wassss kinda queer. I discovered the term “pansexual” and that changed everything I thought I knew about my orientation. You already guessed where I’m going with that; my next attempt to identify to something was to identify to the LGBTQ+ community. At that time I was problematic af without meaning to, fangirling over crappy ass problematic queer people that were kinda famous on twitter in my country, and also in that #bodyposi cringe phase that was just an excuse to show my body that I finally didn’t hate anymore. I was at a peak of loving it actually. But my skinny ass thought it was cool to appropriate such hashtags to show shit I was already complimented on 24/7- anyways. That was my last awkward phase ig.

Today and in the close past: witchcraft. I tried witchcraft. Uh. I never really thought of anything magical as something that actually exists but I entered a weird time of trying to be over positive/believing in law of attraction/having a bujo to make sure I was productive/curing everything with plants/even tried to do spells/celebrating sabbats and so on. No need to say all that failed cause that wasn’t me and I was lying to myself.

I also tried to identify with different types of artists. But nah.

Now...I kept just a bit of that. But I’m also really political. And going through confusing states. I think I tricked my mind into thinking I had some sort of mental health issue just to justify how all over the place I am. I’m still confused and confusing but it’s going somewhere unlike all the previous attempts of finding myself.

Lmao who the f are you Jay

#cringe

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