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[yanafiles]

stephen speaks faves

I had to separate these songs from my july playlist because they deserve a standalone playlist. I fell in love with these songs that just randomly popped out in my queue, and they happen to be sang by the same artist/band. Out of my League and What'll She Look Like are my top faves. I used to ignore the Passenger Seat because it used to play on our van's radio when I was a kid and still struggling through my carsickness. But when I listened to its lyrics now, I can't help but feel kilig.

[yanafiles]

july playlist

Disclaimer: these songs don't accurately reflect my present season as I am neither in love nor have I found myself in a new light. I just simply enjoy (reciting) them.

the latter two are a good tongue exercise; i even recited them while waiting for my turn ahead of my interview.

p.s. i didn't expect a sabrina carpenter here.

[yanafiles]

snapshot of thought

I foresee this coming: being aware of my batchmates' accomplishments and wondered when will my journey kind of "continue." I had planned to quit Facebook after graduation so that I can focus on my pace, until I learned it has become the new Jobstreet or LinkedIn of town. Like, literally a job street. Government offices are more likely to post their job openings via Facebook instead of their websites. Hence, I can't really uninstall this app for a while until I figure things out.

[yanafiles]

second attempt

second attempt coming right up...

tomorrow, july 29th, i'll be having an interview and exam for a job position. honestly, i feel more nervous and pressured than i was in my first interview. i don't know. these days, i found myself whispering a prayer a lot of times about this. i am worried about being stuck to where i am now, can't move forward, nowhere to go. so self, push a little harder tomorrow, call all your lucks, and may you be guided sufficiently.

dear future me at this hour of tomorrow night,

how did you do? Were you satisfied with your efforts? do you think you can make it? if not, then let's just try harder next time. trust yourself more okay? Someone up there got better plans for you. trust the season, your season.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi, Yana from that night. Just want to say that I think you did well but they maybe looking for someone more proficient. I also think you're gonna have to prepare for another interview and exam so I wish you all the luck in the world.

In my opinion which is based from your recent performance, you've improved and done better than your first try. You were able to answer key questions from the exam, although the latter part which is more on practical knowledge was really unfamiliar and challenging for you. I applaud you for trying, still.

Your interview, I think, makes more sense than the previous one. And congratulations for braving your fear and anxiety. Whatever the results may be, atleast, you did all that you could today. ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Yana of some specific time in the future,

Whatever the result is, accept it. Try harder. Find the one that will suit you best. You control your own pace.

[yanafiles]

pre-grad blues

I believe in my playful fate, that there will always be a day when I may seem I have it all, and another when I have none. From my point of view, everyone will achieve their dreams because I trust that they could. And yet, how could I not trust myself that I will also be alright?

Some things take time to make sense, I ought to not forget and shall remind myself over and over, from this day onwards. And I hope that the future me will read this when the day comes that it finally made sense to her. I look forward to her telling her past self that she made the right choice and that all the waiting was absolutely necessary because what she has there in the future was more than what she once yearned and prayed for.

Dear future me,

I am writing to express my anxiousness for what the day after tomorrow will bring. I wonder what my life would be next week, next month, or will I ever land a job and a good career before this year ends. For tomorrow, I shall finally earn my diploma and commence with a new path. But I am yet to know my direction.

[yanafiles]

tyt

I have just read a post shared by a former classmate, and that same post shared by another, both of which are delayed for a year or a semester to graduate. I feel that they also wanted to reach the end of their college journey just like mine which was bound to culminate by July. But here's my little perspective as someone finally ending her 19 years of schooling. My first two years in college was set online due to the pandemic. We turned into hybrid setup on my third year, and finally went to full onsite classes on my final year. I did not get much of full college experience because most of the fun were squeezed into my last two years. If given a chance, I would have loved to extend another year with my friends (they won't like the idea haha) because my journey with them was really fun. It is as if I am just getting the hold of being a teenager when I am already 23 because I didn't really enjoy much of my high school days (entirely centered with me studying and studying). This college, I was able to study and enjoy. I was able to hang out and became more independent. When they say high school was the most memorable and enjoyable time of their life, I would like to differ mine. So to my former classmates who cannot graduate this year, just enjoy and take your time. I know we have different courses and sets of hardships, but at least, try to make the most out of it. One day, you'll also prepare for your graduation photoshoot and think of what to wear on your graduation day. One day, you'll be there. And just like what I wrote in my letter to you guys, I'll always be rooting for you.

[yanafiles]

another lesson learnt

I promised myself to not be a pushover anymore. When people need you, they will absolutely come up with good and encouraging words, telling you that it was a once in a lifetime moment and you'll never get the same chance again. But overtime, I realized that not every opportunity will fit me. Not every experience will make me gain something valuable. But one such event made me realize all this, so thanks.

[yanafiles]

high and a series of lows

Last Friday, May 17, was probably the best day in college. We became candidate for the search for best thesis and eventually awarded as best thesis presenter and our study as best thesis overall. But what I enjoyed most on that day was the waiting and the time I spent with my friends. It was a tiring day and yet so fulfilling.

Then came Saturday when I (almost not) showed up in the infographics competition between university publications. I was sure I won't make it to the top 3. And of course, I did not. But it was alright. I feel fine. I accepted the fact that I can't win all the time. I seldom do, honestly. I figured I don't have much luck on individual competitions, that is proven and tested for years now (Note to self: I feel proud of you for always trying).

Although I knew I have a very little chance of winning, I still push through in hopes of meeting someone. I often hear people suggesting to go out there and be active and that the university is a large dating pool blah blah blah. Nah, it didn't work out for me. The good news is that I do meet some good pals. Pals for an afternoon, never heard of them again.

I recently found a perfect theme song about my crush. My mom loves to turn on the FM radio for some music as we clean up the mess. That song caught my ears and would love to sing it in front of him if I only know how to sing.

I am sick since Sunday and as of this writing. It's as if my body knows when not to get sick because my body really shut down two days after polishing things in school. I've been piling up mountains of tissues ever since Monday, and just two days ago, cough got into me. That's why I was not able to write a proper story about the good news we got last week. Hopeful to feel better on the days to come.

Yesterday, we went on a meeting with a government official, in hopes to fund our proposed project. They would, but they asked for major revisions to our little brochure. Honestly, I wanted to cry at that moment because I pictured myself starting from scratch and conceptualizing all over again when I should be doing nothing na about school. I hated the idea of me in front of my laptop until 3 am, waking up only to do it again just to comply with their suggestions. It is so frustrating for me to deal with it because I am not so expert about it, I could barely squeeze my mind for creativity juices (also the reason I quit being part of the creatives team in my previous org).

My grades are complete btw. I am now waiting for graduation. Yet, I am not excited. Maybe because I would feel obliged to get a proper job with a decent salary. I don't know how and when. I also feel sad that my college days are coming to an end. I enjoyed it too me much that a part of me wishes to stay for a little while. But I do hope that this end will spark a good beginning for the next chapter of my life in the "real world."

[yanafiles]

ff

At this point of my life, I've started to let go of the idea that winning is great and that I should always give my best. Winning is great, I think, when I can get something in return more than a recognition. Winning is great when I don't have to push myself or that I won because I am just so good at it. Winning is great if it can earn me something that would benefit me for a very long time. Winning is great when I have nothing to lose. Being competitive is tiring. Especially when I've to realize it got me nowhere special. Being common is not so bad. I don't have to shine. I don't have to care what they will think of me. I don't have to be stiff and conscious. I don't have to always work hard. Instead I can work smart. And at this point in my life, I have come to recognize things that don't matter, things that are trivial, things that don't deserve my calories haha. Because if I go about them, I might go nuts.

A very important disclaimer: you and I might have contradicting ideas about everything I just wrote. Keep trying hard if you think that's good for you. Keep winning if it makes you better. Trivial things aren't so bad if they add flavors in your life. Mine is mine. Yours makes you you. So don't mind this little notes of mine if they bother you.

[yanafiles]

one more step

One of the kpop artists I love is Sandeul. I had forgotten him for quite so long until this song randomly played in spotify during my long commute hours. This song reminded me of summer because I only got to binge-watched every summer vacations during my early high school years. So imagine that while everyone's out of town, I was in my room, plugging our DVD player and inserting a pirated copy of this drama burned in a cd I bought in the market. Anyways, this song is my go-to song nowadays when I'm really feeling the summer heat because Sandeul has this soothing voice that I'll never get enough of. Plus, the song itself has a good melody and message.

[yanafiles]

April 1st: Life Update

I think I'm changing a little bit. I am trying to see things in a different light so that I won't have to bother myself from bitterness. I am working hard to ease my feelings and be more open-minded. I can't say that I am totally a new person now but at the very least, I want to be better. I don't know if the university calendar I found is accurate but based on it, final exams will be on the first week of May. Therefore, I only have a month left to attend classes, a month left of being a regular student. Should I make the most out of it?

I think so. That is why I joined this competition I was supposed to ignore because I just don't feel like being active anymore. If you ever revisit my previous blogs from the time I was once a multimedia editor, I confessed that I no longer enjoy editing and doing layouts. But somehow, I always find myself opening the photoshop software over and over.

I am really looking forward to our final thesis defense, hopefully, next week. Thesis is like the key to graduation. I don't care about anything else. Looking back, I never really aimed for extra awards or honors it because I assumed that college will be difficult. I just want to survive through it🙏🏻. But I will be grateful anyways if I managed to make the cut. College romance failed. I remember back in sixth grade, my science teacher told us about how she kept her boyfriend from her parents. I was then worried that I have to keep my college boyfriend from my parents too. Funny to think that I no longer need to worry about it because my parents are totally fine with me being in a relationship. But the problem is........when you know, you know.😭🤣

[yanafiles]

never-ending nevers

I'll never be the girl with the red-painted nails I'll never have her cheerful smile, gentle voice, and her petite size opposite to yours And you, you'll never lined up and get my lunch and sit behind my seat so that no one will notice the thing between you and me You, you will never wake up early to attend the morning session I was in so that we can see each other ahead of time and spend the entire day as longer as we can And we, we'll never meet on fridays and have secret dates we'll never be seen under a single shed and a certain girl won't have to be so sad We'll never enjoy the silence, the noises, and their jokes we'll never have to deal with their queries & suspicions of whether there is something special sparking within the both of our hearts 'cause we will always have no string connecting us Now I know that we will never not be a theory that what we'll always be is an unwritten story I'd love to think you're just not my missing shoe so just like how I'll never be yours who will be mine will never be you

[yanafiles]

sidenote of the day

Something that I learned from my childhood days and probably my most used sentiment nowadays: "May mga bagay na hindi dapat tinatanong." There are things we shouldn't ask about. The thing about asking is we're looking for clarity without considering what will happen next if something is to be clear. We asked, but never wonder if the answer may complicate things. Sometimes, or most of the time, we forgot to consider what the person we are asking will process or go through to answer our question? By asking without further thoughts, we tend to forget to be predictive. We tend to forget the common sense we share as people. We tend to forget to be considerate. So here's a little sidenote of the day. There are matters that are best left as it is. There are circumstances that we have to process on our own, without further questions. We just have to figure them out. I know it is only natural to be inquisitive. But I also hope that we learn to be selective.

[yanafiles]

chant on a leap day

Hello! It's probably my first time writing on a leap day. I have nothing really much to talk about. More of, I am prepping myself for yet another long day tomorrow. This week is busier than usual, took lots of cash from my wallet because of the lunches and restocking of my skin care products. Well, I am really grateful and happy that I get to be independent when it comes to my money/allowance. I need not to bother my parents anymore and add up to their expenses. Thanks to my scholarship and to my financial guides (my father, Brother Bo, and rich dad). My classmates might think I was well-off. But in fact, I am on a tight budgeting right now. Quitting dorm lessened my expenses. Else, I may have to keep withdrawing from my account. What saddens me the most is that my monthly stipend will soon come to an end. I have to start earning on or before the third quarter because I have to keep building something important and secure enough cash for something even more important. "Money, money, money, the world can no longer run without money and so is mine so let the money money money come flow towards my palms then slide through my wallet or head to my bank account," - just randomly created a chant to attract money haha. Money and more more more money.

[yanafiles]

sana sa ikatlo

I am not exactly a religious person. As a Catholic, we have a number of saints, ceremonies, traditions, and festivities... but there were only a couple of them I do find myself adhering to. The easiest thing of is saying a prayer. When I was younger, I can't recall myself praying for something extravagant. I never prayed for toys and dresses. During high school where most of my classmates have phones that are touchscreened while I had a keypad, still I never prayed for a one or any sort of gadgets. The first time I prayed for something tangible was when I had a crush on someone. And since it's the first, it felt unusual. Deep inside my mind, I feared that wishing for someone would cost me someone I already have. Today, obviously, He did not gave him to me. Then came Christmas when I wished for a different person. Another unanswered prayer. It turns out, I am really not into them. They probably have no roles to play in my life. I've been doing pretty well without them up to this time. So one thing I realized is that if something is not really meant for me, it wouldn't be given to me. So I'll save my third card for someone worth it. Sana sa ikatlo, tama na ako. I was wrong with the previous two. So I hope that I'll finally get it right on my third time. Like I said, I will no search and instead, wait. May nakapagsabi kasi na paghinahanap daw, lalong di nakikita ang true love. Hatdog po yung nagsabi.

[yanafiles]

comfi buns ♡♡♡

3 or 4 years ago, I wrote something here about the coffee bun that I baked before. Coffee buns are my favorite bread. I can still remember where I first had them, from whom, who I had it with, and what they tasted like. Perhaps, I was around 9 years old back then. Today's the first of February, 31 days after the year 2024 started, and 3 days before my birthday. Though unintentional, today's coffee bun was the best gift from my fafa. Coffee buns should be "Comfi buns." From now on, I'll call them that.

[yanafiles]

bye january

I learned something today. Yippie! Nung pauwi ako, bored na bored ako tas habang haba ako sa biyahe na parang walang katapusan yung kabuuang kalsada ng Malolos. I was feeling down and tired. Plus yung katabi ko pa magjowa. Di ko ako makahanap ng playlist na magmamatch sa mood ko or mag-uuplift man lang. Dati, whenever that happens, I usually attract negative and lonely thoughts that would made me sad even more. Pero kanina, I told myself to stop. Instead of thinking about the negativities (gaya ng taken na sya kaya enough na), I assessed myself. I reflect. Ba't bigla akong nagkaganito kung wala namang nakakalungkot na nangyari sa school? Then I realized, wala pa pala akong kain since 9am. Gutom lang pala ako. As I end my journey at 22 four days from now, I try to learn and improve so that I can be 23 as a better person. Kailangan ko na magmature huhu. So from now on, I have to lessen my moodiness. Kasi I think it is better to feel something, good or not, if I know the reason for it. Hence, lesson of the day: always assess and be aware of myself.

Maraming natutuwa today kasi patapos na ang January, ang haba haba raw kasi. For real, ang haba talaga. Yung feelings ko andaming ups and downs. Pero sa tingin ko naman, I spent this month well. Okay na yun. Thanks January! Sana sa susunod na taon ulit.