yanosdiary
165 posts
personal diary for my mental breakdowns
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Fuck the depressive episode is hitting really strong today
#must be from the werk i couldnt cry... whivh ead my period week fuck#im so tired of living man its so. pointless.#i genuinely jusy wanna sleep and never wake up.
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Home sweet home ig
#i forgot how tough it is to hear all of that but fuck shes saying it bcs shes drunk and i know she means it but fuck#shouldve said it to my younger self though#my current self doesnt give a damn anymore about all of that nonsense bcs ive matured and i dont let all of that catch up w me#so apologies feel like... dont apologize it didnt happen bcs my brain shuts it out so it never happened.#but then the door closes and my younger self comes out and it feels so shitty it feels so fucking shitty to know that i was loved when i ne#ever ever felt like it.#i want to die. i want to die so bad but fuck. i cant. theres too much at stake that i wish something would take me out so i dont have to do#it nyself.
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Me not being fazed by a bad mark, not realizing that its a bad thing:
Aben: *looks at my mark, pats back in sympathy*
Me: ???
Also me: fuck, am i that useless?
#bro i wasnt even fazed i didnt realise it was a bad thing but then the sympathy. the look of 'dont be upset'.#the look of 'semangat yaa' made me feel like i was an utter failure#'oh u got a bad mark on smth we all did good im so sorry for u!' look.#im so tired. im so fucking tired of crying and being depressed every week. every day almost.#im so tired of being. this version of me that i created for uni#i dont feel like myself anymore. all ive been doing for rhe past few months is literally cry myself to sleep every single night#ive been sleeping more often yet i just get more and more tired fuck i dont have the motivation to live anymore#fuck i hope i die soon. i really do. i hope that something crashes into me and end everything for me#i know alot of things are wrong w me but fuck it makes so scared of being outcasted bc it genuinely feels like smths FUCKING WRONG WITH ME#why isnt everyone else suffering the same way i am? how is everyone enjoying this life but not.. me? what am i doing wrong?#why did i come here? i dont even know anymore. i want to disappear so bad#what am i doing wrong? how are ppl so good at this yet im... here. like an idiot#what was it all for? 10 years of studying art. all to be proven rhat ive sucked at it all alone#along.
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I wanna die so bad fuck i wanna die i wanna fie i wanna die so bad
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"U wouldve gotten a higher score if u went to my uni" STFUSTFUSTFUSTFU IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
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#how i be looking in the mirror after getting a 60 on my first assignmeny while everyone else gets a 90 above#fuck i wanted to cry so bad at that moment but i couldnt and i didnt wanna cause a ruckus#i didnt think i would be this affected by it but fuck it hurt so bad it mafe me have flashbaacks yo ehen i was the only one in my#grade who didnt pass history back in muddle school#i felt like stabbing myself at that exacr moment oh my god i wanted to make myself bleed so bad#and whenever ppl adked how muchvdid u get and kept going when i said i didny wanna tell i was sorheowbie#i want to die i want to die so fucking bad fuck#im so tired. i hate going out i want to stay in my room and cry for weeks im so tired i want to go home so bad#college is fuckint hell idc what ppl say i hate this so much fuck#these days i barely have motivation to look left and right whenev3r i cross the streets#there was a kid who passed away a coyple days brfore orientation. why couldnt that be me instead of him#he mustve had plans for the future. i have nothjng. that shouldve been me instead of him
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Man i wish i was in that situation instead of... here.
#i wanna find love too.... idt thats gonna happen tho anytime soon#shuld i try online dating lol i dont have time tk dste... or the mental state#i dont want to be aromantic... i wanna love. and icknow i am capable of love#i shouod be less online when convos like that pop up i feel so#sad about it lol#i wanna go home so bad fuck
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Pov me since college started
#AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAY DOES THAT MEAN HE DOESNT LIKE ME#is it because i talked to much again was it because i opened my mohth and acted informal#hahahahahaha fuck hahahahahah i wanna kms#whats wrong w me fuck what the actual fyvm us wrong with me#am i not likeabke anymore? fuck im sorry if i made you dislike me im sorry im bot very likeable#i dony know what to do w myself fuck im so sorry#when i ooen mh mouth i feel like im gonna annoy someone at some point but if i close my mouth#i feel like ill annoy people just bc im noy talking so i feel unapproachable im sorry im sorry in sorry in sorry#im sorry im sorry im sorrg im sorrt im sorry#i wanna rip my own heart oyt so i can be less sensitive why am i like this now#my confidence got worn down what th3 h3ll gappened to me im so.fuck im so fycked up im sorry
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#Not me instantly sobbing like a fucking child when my dad started texting me#i miss my family so much fuck i dont wanna be away from them#or my friends#but i can still see mt friends and I RLLY RLLY WANNA SEE MY FSMILY AGAIND WBJSBSJWBSB
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No matter hiw many things i bring from home it still doesnt feel like home. I WANT TO FUCKJNG GO HOME I MISS MY MOM I MISS MY DAD I MISS MH BROTHER I MISS HIGHSCHOOL I DONT LIKE IT HERE ITS SO LONELY
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U dont know when youve reached a new low until youre 18 and you just came back from your firsg day of orientation crying in your underwear on the floor of your rented apartment begging god to either take you oe bring you home bc u miss ur mom alot but u cant let her know that
#maybe i shouldve died when i turned 18#whichcwas like last month#fhck i rlly dont think i can dl thjs bht i cant skcanhtbjng#i cant docanythjng fkr sbjt
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Fuck.
#whT if i just. what if i just. what if i just#haha. hehehe. hahahaha. fuck. me.#i blinked. i fucking BLINKED. suddenly theyre yelling at each other.#'shes on her period her emotions are out of control rn'#no you dont understand. thats not how it works. you dont snap like that bc ur on ur period.#im scared. im so fucking scared. what#if she has bpd too. what if it passed down to her and its judt showing now?#yk when it happened i only felt hurt in my chest? i didnt feel anything at all. all that emotional training paid off ig#yeard and years of telling myself to shut my emotions off rlly worked bc ive never heard her scream and cuss like that before#yet i didnt feel anything. but i did feel my inner child crying. i felt deja vu.#a distant memory of when she was yelling and arguing with HIM while i cry and piss myself on the rug when i was barely 2 years old#when my mom yelled and started sobbing and started cussing and fuck#it was so triggering but it felt like my body stopped working. it stopped completely. but like#my instincts. felt. like. it was on fight or flight mode. i wanted to run. my legs ached and i couldnt walk but it felt like i wanted to run#i wanma falk about it i wanna ralk about it so bad but what if i talk too much and ppl see how depressed i really am#i dont want to give off rhat impression. i want to give off a happy impressiom even tho im not#for ronight. and tomorrow. i dont wanna function properly.#ive functioned enouvh this week. ill take a break today and tomorrow.#for tomorrow. ill pretend i died and my ghost is wandering around my room. for tomorrow ill rot my soul away.#ill pick up the pieces for it later. i dont feel like piecing myself together right now.#im so. im so fucking tired. i feel like the only thing thatll comfort me rn is to hug a clay statue of yuuta for some odd reason#ive been so unbelievanly depressed for the past few months fuck i want to die i want to die so bad#and theres not even like a single reason why. i dont rememver. i cant remember. i cant feel. anything.#i dont wsnt to live right now. can i just. die. and then get brought back to life later when i feel ready again.
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Bro stop legit whenever u talk about my art it makes me feel more shitty than i alr do on an average basis
#like okay u know better wtv stop patronizing me istg dbaksbkaajsb#okay mr goes out of the country for uni haha. ha.#im still so. sad that he accidentally exposed where im going for uni when i told him i didnt want certain ppl to know#yk reminds me of the sht that phoenix weote in her letter where shes like#oh 'u would argue that u shuld call out ur friends when tjeyre being shitty' but what if#they dont mean to be shitty and when u call them out for it they dont understand what they did wrong and#forget it it doesnt matter#im so tired of all this man#im alr dealing w my own issues when it comes to art i feel so inferior in so many ways yet so superior in some aspects because thats the#only way i can make up for how inferior i am okay#shutthefuckupshutthefuckupsHUTTHEFUCKUP#im still so. fucking hurt from all the things youve said to my face man and i know you often mean them as a joke or as like a positive thing#but fuck. it hurts to hear so fucking bad bc i didnt need to hear most of those things#'oh i get why a certain someone would get mad at you for not giving them a hug' stfustfustsgussgsusjwn#they literally mafe a public twt acc and talkrd about how they wanted to do nsfw things w me#stop stop stop STOP IT STOP TALKING STOPFBSSJEIIE TALKING
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Bro i legit dont feel like doing this
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#that realisayion that youre finding the person who was like ur other half for years feels like theyre annoying you#fuck. fuck fuck fhfuckdbdhskshfidjshsos#ans then youre wondering why youre starting to find them annoying bc youve been friends for almost a decade and suddenly now theyre making#you feel like smths wrong. like you want to shut down. like you want to snap. like you want to run.#like you want to tear your own tongue out. like you want to disappear. like you want to forget that youre ever friends in the first place#... i need to write this to futureme
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