yappingmoxie

[yappingmoxie]

womp womp

[yappingmoxie]

idk<3

[yappingmoxie]

hi. yeah it’s me again

i’ve been having a really hard time with everything lately. and i just want to get through this stupid month so i can stop thinking about how everyone i love and that loved me is dead. i know people care about me but since everything happened i don’t think ive ever felt so unlovable or alone. and i literally don’t even care about WHAT that anon said im just upset someone was mean to me and that now all im thinking about is. not good things. which isn’t uncommon but goddamn. it’s so fucking often and so fucking much during the worst possible time for me. my whole life has been nothing but death and violence and grief and i am so sick of being reminded of it. all of the time. because i can’t remember fucking ANYTHING except absolutely everything that hurts me. these past two years or so are the most “peaceful” my life has been. and like. it HAS been. in terms of like. no shit has happened. like i haven’t been retraumatized by some big fucking event that leaves me scrambling. but mentally i am so fucking exhausted and i am so fucking alone and i am so fucking scared. all the time. for myself. my friends. people i don’t even know. people i dont even talk to anymore. nothing feels right for me. and it feels like every time i try it just gets worse. i’m just. discouraged. and sad. and hurting. and i really wish that life could just be easy. for everyone.

[yappingmoxie]

i feel about 4 inches tall and like i shouldn’t even speak after that

[yappingmoxie]

sometimes i wanna reblog rlly petty things on main but then i feel mean bc i know (think) [redacted] was looking at it at least occasionally and it just feels mean to knowing that lol

[yappingmoxie]

sometimes i wanna reblog rlly petty things on main but then i feel mean bc i know (think) [redacted] was looking at it at least occasionally and it just feels mean to knowing that lol

[yappingmoxie]

giggling bc i just remembered when 16 year old me stood ten toes down with a 24 year old man 😭💀💀

[yappingmoxie]

lol

actually soooo anxious that i feel like i might puke. idk why my anxiety is acting up so much. i feel like crying real bad for no reason. and it’s just confusing bc im scared and sad and don’t know why.

[yappingmoxie]

i miss my sister. lol.

[yappingmoxie]

i think sometimes i hold onto my pain because im scared ill forget

[yappingmoxie]

i looked thru my messages with my sister the other night bc my memory is bad and i started being like “aw but i kinda miss her. surely what she did and said was not that bad. i barely even remember it!!” but nope!!! it was worse!!! i am right to not talk to her anymore!! and honestly!! am so glad i blocked her everywhere!!! life is peaceful and i love my nieces but i literally cannot be around my sister unless she ever realizes how fucked up she treats people and actually fixes some shit. idk. like it’s BAD when even my DAD is coming to me to be “huh. yall are very different. like you told me you were” it drives me insane bc LOL before mom died i was cursed up and down about being “stuck up his ass” and she was pissedddd about it. but soon as all of mamas side dies and she ain’t got no one else’s pockets to bleed dry she’s sprinting towards him and idk. it’s just funny to me is all. like she was his number 1 hater up until like a year ago.

like. idk i remember she’d said some stuff but i forgot about the really bad bits and it actually astounds me how i can be so closely related to someone who’s so fucking awful lmao. idk what happened to my mama and my sister but god i’m glad whatever in the fuck it was skipped me. like i ain’t perfect and im painfullyyyyy aware of most of my flaws but goddamn if it don’t at least feel a lil good to not act like i ain’t got no sense and know how to treat people. idk i definitely said some mean things but i didn’t even get nasty until she started lying so imma consider that good i guess idk

[yappingmoxie]

sometimes i’ll think about how they were cremated and it just. makes me wanna cry thinking about it. i cried on the way to her funeral bc it’s all i could think about. i wish they were buried. i still haven’t been able to put them in the necklace i have. it hurts too much. i know i need to. i know i should. but it feels wrong. idk.

[yappingmoxie]

every time I see photos of my grandmas house and what my sisters done to it I want to scream lmfao

[yappingmoxie]

I’ve noticed I’ve started apologizing a lot more again for silly things that don’t really need an apology in the first place and idk. Idk why that’s starting back up again bc I rlly thought I’d moved on from that. Like when I was 18 and had just moved in with my partner at the time bc of a lot of complicated things I remember I knocked over their red bull they’d JUST opened and I started crying and apologizing so much and it took them being like “hey wtf? it’s just a drink. not a big deal I’ll clean it up” for me to start realizing how fucked up I was lol. Like I already knew how I grew up wasn’t okay but like idk. I just kinda thought it was slightly more shitty than just shitty and it took me a while to call it abuse. Because even then I was still wanting to defend my mom about like. Everything really. Idk. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. And I miss her even tho she was absolutely awful to me lmao. But yeah. Idk. Maybe that has something to do with the whole over apologizing thing idk. The last time I saw her or even spoke to her was when we got in a fight because she was lying and saying when I “moved out” (she kicked me out) I took myself off her insurance when I literally would never do that lmao. Like I have a serious condition with my back that needs me to get MRIs every year to make sure I don’t literally become a quadriplegic lmfaooo. And she knew that but took me off her insurance anyways when I wouldn’t move back in with her to take care of her like she wanted. Like I would have never taken myself off her insurance knowing I couldn’t (and still can’t) afford my own. I haven’t had anyyy medical treatment for my back since before 2017 because of her. So idk why she lied about that other than because she knows it was a shitty thing to do to her daughter who has literally cleaned actual shit off of her multiple times because she was too high to walk to the bathroom herself lmfao. Idk. I could get into that a whole lot more and all the absolute batshit insane things I had to deal with growing up with her but idk if it’d be good or bad for me considering I feel myself backsliding in a lot of ways already. Like idk. I still have actual nightmares from when my sister moved out and she tried to kill herself in bed next to me lmfao. I know she said she “didn’t mean to” put a second morphine patch on but I quite literally found her suicide note when I couldn’t wake her up the next morning. Like I was literally laying right next her when she was crying and writing it all out (without ever mentioning me btw but I guess that’s just petty to bring up esp considering she threw it away when she left the hospital and swore she never wrote it lmfao. but I remember it so). She would have literally died if I’d listened to my cousins mom about how “she was fine just real tired” and didn’t call my grandma and then 911. I’d seen it before lmfao. In 6th grade. When I didn’t listen to my gut that something was wrong and her boyfriend died because of that. Like yeah he was a fucking asshole but still like. Idk 11/12 was hard to see my mom having to give him CPR when he was literally already turning colors. I remember mom making me check his breathing before we went to sleep and idk. That’s something that sticks with you so I knew everything wasn’t okay. I knew the difference between just being high off her ass and hard to wake up vs literally overdosing and unable to be conscious. Lmao idek how I got on this topic when I was just ranting about regressing before but whatever. Here I am lmao. I probably should actually talk about it more instead of whatever this was bc clearly it’s on my mind but I digress idk

[yappingmoxie]

idk I think a few years ago when I really realized what all was happening. like I loved (and love that’s important) my family and wanted as much time with them as possible. but a part of me was like “this is bad. this is really bad. and it’s gonna get worse. for sure it is going to get worse. but then you can grieve and things will be lighter and eventually easier. you’ll find new ways to cope and things will suck and you’ll miss them forever but it won’t be so painful. for them or for you. they’ve made their peace so you need to start too” and I know it’s selfish. but none of that is true lol. not in the least. I want em all back. even in the worst of it. I knew how to handle that. knew how to just be when they were here. knew how to care for them and look after them and help. I mean that’s all I’ve ever done. and that’s not a complaint for anyone except my mom. but now I just don’t have that. and life feels a little purposeless. idk. when you’ve been taught since a kid that your reason for being there is looking after people and then all the people you have to care for die it’s hard. and I mean. those were some of the most traumatizing years of my life. having to see family slowly go from strong and themselves to weak and not. like I wouldn’t wish watching ppl you love waste away like that on anyone bc it genuinely is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. but yet I’d be right back there in the worst of it. feeling like there’s no way my heart could break any more if it meant I had them back and could love them. all of them. I talk about my grandma a lot but really I think that’s just because she was always with everyone. I miss my aunt. and my uncle. and my papa. and even sometimes I miss my stupid ass mom. I saw every one of my family cry and they never cried. and I think about that a lot. I remember when my aunt was in hospice and how my uncle never left her side. he still talked to her just like he did before. kept saying how he heard that their hearing is the last thing to go and that broke me a little bit. he didn’t want her to be lonely and I don’t think she was. she had a room full of people loving her. and that was right. that is how everyone should leave. but it doesn’t work that way and it makes me so so so angry. I was the only one who visited my papa. I was the only one who took my grandma to see him. me and her had to be there alone and hear him cry and beg to come home and talk about how he missed us. and we couldn’t and that broke me too. the fact that that was only a few weeks before he died hurts to think about. I think the last thing I remember feeding him was some cherry pie. idk why I remember weird little things like that. I’m glad I do but I also hate it. because I love remembering them. all of them. but I hate it too because it hurts so fucking much all the goddamn time. they’re everywhere but actually here with me. they were all so ingrained into my life for my whole life that it genuinely just feels like bits of me, the bits that are me, are missing. just snatched right out of me and I feel so empty and literally nothing has can or will make me feel whole again. I do not see how people deal with grief when it is so suffocating for me. I know I’m not the only person to experience grief. and I’m sure other people have experienced it worse, as hard as that is to imagine. but grief is so fucking tricky that it really does just make you feel alone in it.

[yappingmoxie]

I hate having trauma. And I hate how it makes me feel. And I hate how I think about it all the time. And I hate that sometimes I’m not strong enough to get through it alone. I hate asking for help. I feel the enormity of everything and it just makes me feel so small. Makes me feel overlooked and misjudged. And see the thing is I know I’m brave. And I know I’m strong and as much as I hate having to be those things anytime an opportunity is offered for me to be soft and trusting and taken care of I don’t take it. I get angry. And mad that anyone would think I can’t handle it because obviously I can. Who else is going to? Why would I need someone to save me despite my very obvious pleas for it lmao. I hate when people see me as small and weak and hurt and needing help. Because I guess I’ve never had that without it also being taken advantage of in one way or another, big or small. So I get angry. And I push people away. And I cry. And I get angry some more. I’ve been alone for my whole life. One way or another. I’ve weathered every storm single handedly and it is so so so lonely. I want to share my life with people and be loved and be soft but I genuinely don’t know how to. I’m harsh and rude and abrasive and need too much and want too much and I’m not really that great at compromising on some things and that combined makes me a difficult person to be with. To deal with. Which is how I always end up feeling. Like something to deal with. Something to pass the time with until better easier prospects come along and don’t put up a fight to be loved. And I know I shouldn’t but I get so so angry about that. My life has been anything but easy. I can’t even talk about my childhood most of the time without it making the whole conversation weird. I’ve been through so much. And I do try to help people because I understand that. That life can and often times will be hard and unfair and people need somebody to be there and say hey it sucks and it’s awful and it’s no good but the good does come and you’re doing such a great job considering everything you’ve been through I love you it’ll be okay. And I do it because I believe it and I love people and they deserve anything I can offer them to help them bear it even if just for a second. But it makes me so so so angry to give sometimes. I refuse to take and I’m aware that’s my choice but the offering of support, even if rejected, can mean so much. But people get tired of helping permanently broken people and I can’t blame them (I can but never for long) because I know it’s hard. I know it’s exhausting. I know I’m a lot of things. And idk. I say I deserve love and support and I mean it a lot of the times but it does really get difficult to keep that belief alive in myself after so long of not having it in the ways that I need. I’ve healed a lot. To make myself easier to digest but I don’t think it’s enough. And I’m not entirely it ever will be. And I’m just very fed up with putting in work on myself just to end up in the same situations I’ve always found myself in

[yappingmoxie]

made a birthday post for my grandma yesterday since no one else remembered it and immediately afterwards my sister made one and really drilled in hard about how she named my newest niece after her. and idk. I’m still upset. I’ve been crying off and on about it because like. I know it wasn’t right but my grandma would tell anyone who listened how I was her favorite grandchild (and tbh I think besides it just being true she did that bc she knew how awful my mom and sister were to me) and would brag on me constantly. and my sister did nothing but talk about how annoying my grandma was and say the worst things about her right before she died. but yet she loved her so much that she forgot her birthday 2 years in a row so I mean clearly she just had to take the name I fought with her over during her first pregnancy. I’m so glad I’ve had my cousin throughout all of this because otherwise I’d feel legitimately insane. She’s been amazing at reminding me how much grandma loved me and helping reinforce that grandma and I DID have an agreement that she wanted ME to name my daughter after her if I ever had one. Everything my sister does though feels so spiteful. Like I love my niece so much and it just sucks that I can’t even spend time with her without being reminded of how much my sister wants to hurt me. I don’t blame the baby though. Like it hurts and makes interacting with her a little difficult but she’s innocent. And the thing is I wouldn’t have even minded if she named her that out of genuine love and respect for my grandma but I know she didn’t. From not letting anyone be with my grandma in the hospital when she died to putting her ashes in my fucking mailbox to telling me that my grandma hated me and I didn’t do enough for her to telling me how awful I was for taking a week off to implying I should’ve been there even tho she lied to me about her being in the hospital to withholding photos she promised me of her to ruining my grandmas house (she lets my 5 year old niece write all over the walls and keeps a million fuckin farm animals like ducks and chickens and turkeys inside when grandma didn’t even let dogs in) to asking the preacher at her funeral to say some pointed remarks about me being no contact with my mom to now using her daughters name as a direct slight against me I can’t help but feel like all she wants to do is weaponize my dead grandma against me without even worrying about how disrespectful she’s being to her as long as it hurts me. I haven’t even tried talking to about my nieces name because after confronting her about my grandmas passing I know it’ll do nothing to actually remedy anything and will just lead to even more explosive fights where I know she’ll just double down on saying things she know will hurt me. And I don’t want to argue about my grandma. I don’t want to use her memory for something disrespectful. It doesn’t feel right and doesn’t feel like honoring her in any way that she’d appreciate. I just want her to be respected. I want her name to be used for something kind and loving instead of spiteful. Because ultimately that’s what she was. My kind and loving grandma. Not a tool to cause arguments and tension. She was always the mediator in the family and I can’t help but think how disappointed she’d be to know her passing has been used in the way it has to further drive a shift in the family.