yas-is-scared

[yas-is-scared]

I just read my first post (2 posts and 1 month ago). A lot can change in a month, I guess -- I can't believe that was only a month ago. I have been feeling more alive lately, a lot more in control of my life. Or more like a driver of it. Also, I have started to feel more corporeal, I guess. To explain better, I have often felt unperceived, desired to be perceived, and was simultaneously scared of it. Recently, I've felt more perceived, felt a bit more like I take up space in the world. It sounds stupid, but sometimes I felt like I didn't really exist. Or if I did, that maybe I wasn't worth existing. Maybe that's why eye contact has scared me so much, because not only would someone see me, but they'd also dislike what they'd see. For a long time, I was stuck between these two fears, being seen and maybe disliked on the one hand, and not being seen at all on the other. Each came back to the same thing - I did not believe I deserved others' perception.

In the last month, a lot has happened that's changed my beliefs about myself. The feeling of accomplishment from graduating, for one thing. I tried at first to act like it wasn't a big deal, but why not? Why not be proud of it? Also, I figured out, maybe a tiny bit on the late side, that my friends actually love me. That's something I didn't believe for a long time; I thought that out of circumstance they'd become friends with me and now it was a kind of habit. I don't know why I have been so reluctant to accept my influence in other peoples' lives... it's weirdly selfish in a way, that I wasn't able to empathise with the fact that other people can see me. Anyway, I realised my friends love me, and that people like me for me, not because I just happen to be in the right place at the right time for them to interact with. So that's changed me a lot, I guess.

In the last month, I

was in a brief love triangle with two guys from work

slept with one of my old coworkers (and I'm currently worried I have an std so need to do something about that)

talking to Robbie (a bit) finally

gave my new flatmate a tattoo

stood up to myself a lot at Shawarma (side note: working here has changed me a lot too. The men who work there are such fucking animals that it's been really helping me get away from seeking male validation - why would I want those scumbags to like me? And I have held my ground a lot, which I am proud of. I mean, I make 10 pounds an hour -> I might be the only employee at the till who does. And I did that by being a bitch, and I was perceived p l e n t y. I know they talked about me when I wasn't there (a concept which I have always found difficult to comprehend). But I know they did, and this is the result. More money. Can't complain.)

started a friendship with a girl and I'm not sure if there's anything there more than a friendship. There could be and I wouldn't mind.

the guy who I mentioned in the last post DMed me. I haven't responded in a while, but I'm thinking about messaging him at some point. Why not, there's nothing to lose

I have fallen into this cute little summer girl group; me, Kiki, Elly, Kitty, Frances, Cass, etc. They're all fun to go out with, I feel like I know so many locals now, and I enjoy talking to people when I go out - because not only have I accepted that I'm perceived, but I don't care about how I am perceived because 1) they'd probably like me, because I'm great, and 2) if they don't, thats really not the end of the world.

Anyway, that's the little update. I'm feeling good, other than the STI scare. Hopefully, that's nothing. We'll see.

[yas-is-scared]

Things that have happened since I wrote my bucket list

Two weeks ago, I wrote a bucket list for all the things I want to do next year. Just to recap, here are the main things on the list:

Learn German

Yoga Teacher Training Certification

Learn something to do with your hands (like pottery)

Write more, and make money from it

Go to a festival

Move into a commune/eco-community

Do something with horses

(and also these last two, which are less requirements and more little extra add-ons I'd like to do)

Walk the Camino de Santiago

Work at a ski resort

Since I made this list, here are the things that have happened to me that have made me believe in the list:

I went to a psychic named Roz. She told me that I need to "do something with your hands" (HER WORDS!!) the exact same wording as what I'd put on my list.

My dad, who I don't really speak to, asked me if I'd want to walk part of the Camino de Santiago together in the fall. I can't imagine going on any other vacation with him; this one suggestion is probably the only one that I would even have considered.

I was going to make a vision board for the year, and there was only one newspaper in the house I could find. One of the articles was about walking the Camino de Santiago.

My friend Alma told me she knows someone trying to set up an eco-community on the Isle of Skye. This is something I am hoping will come up again.

I will update this list as more things happen :)

[yas-is-scared]

i've graduated and i am going to stay in scotland for two more months because I can't bear to be home. I have no passions, no interests, no drive, no hobbies, no ambition, no boyfriend (or girlfriend, but then again, i can't bear physical contact with anyone at all), no goals, and no direction to my life. i can't make eye contact with people on the street unless I'm tipsy, i'm developing a nicotine addiction, i can't stop thinking about this boy who i barely talk to who literally has a girlfriend, i'm scared that i'm failing, i'm drunk writing this right now (which is why i'm even mentioning the boy), and i find it very very difficult to believe that things will work out in my favour, even though i have a very good life full of people who not only care about me, but want me to care more about myself. let's see what will happen. i will work for 2 months at the pub with one of my closest friends, and i will get to stay in my own room and have my own autonomy for just a little bit longer. i want a very very long hug. maybe i can try to be a reporter who runs about and acts very serious and exposes deep deep dramas, or i can try to learn how to grow my own mushrooms, or how to build my own house, or i can get a masters in linguistics and learn a new language. i have nothing - i could have everything. the worst problem i have in my life is that i could have anything, and i choose to stall instead of taking a step towards anything at all i have 2 months - is there anythng wrong with taking two months to clear my head?

i will force myself to write here about anything that takes up space in my head. what i care most about is 1) being completely honest with myself, and being able to write down the stuff in my head even if they're so embarrassing and horrible, and 2) reframing the stuff that happens as not a consequence of my personal shortcomings (which I do constantly). Let's see what happens this summer.