yellowskam - Tumblr blog

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oliver, perry and dad

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i love u

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i love you again, but you love me more than i love you this time. and its sad but you broke me the firet but joe theres new obstacles in the way.

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mine and steves first date

oh my. honestly we had the best day it was so fun at ghettogolf and we got so fucked. i wish we could do it every week, but i do think the plan is that we will try find things to do now and again to get out the house, he mentioned going on the longest zipwire thing in wales which would be sick so thats at least on the to do list. i dont think we had ever felt more A. like a couple but B. connected. like everyone during sex is different but last night and this morning...it has just all been so magical. its hard to describe but its that connecting feeling you get in the middle of sex where your genuinely at the point of saying i love you down their ear, but i cant because its not like that. we had sex 5/6 times and each one made me have that feeling, well maybe not the lazy fuckin which happened twice, but all the other times i got that feeling. like when im riding him and we go slow its like the connection is at that point and its amazing. however he did finally say he had to speak to me bout something. he told me his feelings are now involed and that he really likes me. but the horrible bit is, because of his own insecurities, he cant be in a long distanced/uni relationship with me while jm in nottingham. now this had me at a point where i think multiple things;

1 - if we liked eachother that bad we would make it work.

2 - should i go to uni?

3 - if i stayed and didnt go to uni, would he then still want to be in a relationship with me?

4 - is the only reason he said he cant be in a relationship with me, genuinely because of uni or does he just want to have a shaggin fling with me until i leave?

i honestly do not know to be fair. i think if i get jnto uni and me and steve keep seeing eachother, hopefully the likes gets to love and he realises that we should just be together. i will be coming home every 2 weeks and he knows he can come up to me any time he wants like. i just don’t understand it tbf. like all his pals live in notts and he goes to see them every weekend, but with me he cant do it? i duno man. he also said earlier how its one of them ones where if i was out n didnt put a story up he’d be stressed out because he wouldnt know what id be doing and who i was with, but then if i dod put something on my story he’d still be stressed out because he was there to see what id be doin and who i was with. i dunno jts not like its one or the other. ugh idk im tored so goin bed frienbd grrrrr

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i had a dream about joe

i was at school and i think i was doing a project on cameras or something and joe was in my class, he came over and was like speaking about the project and asked me if we were okay and i think i told him i duno but then ended up saying yes or something. then i went back to my dorm room and i was with there with someone else and then they kinda left and joe came in and i told him he couldnt be in here. and he was apologising and telling me how good we would be together and i was like yeh but no. then he went to leave and he hinted that we may as well have sex and i was unsure on what to do. and he was like ‘may as well, may as well as we’re both here’ and i was really contemplating it and thought hmm i duno because yes i may want to but i actually knew i was in a lucid dream i think, now i actually think about it like. so i like stopped myself and controlled the dream and said no because i was with steve and i really like him and im not gonna ruin thqt and then i woke up

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youve been needing this update

its been a while. like the last time i mentioned anything was joe cheating on me back in november. from then i have became several different people. ive made friends, descovered lust and fell for someone unexpected. my life has been wild, sad and confusing the last few months and the thought of uni starting in two months sends me mad. im trying to think where to start.

the battle with joe continued awhile after november. he cheated, he kissed nevey, he didnt come to my birthday, he wasnt there for me when i needed him, he thought of himself more than anyone and i had to end it. january 3rd 2020 was the last time i saw joe. i went on a night out with the girls and he was with sam and nevey. at the end of the night sam met a lass and nevey met a lad and went off so it was just me joe and jamie. jamie walked off and joe apologied in my ear. sayin hes sorry for he put me through and then kissed me. i went back to his and knew it was a mistake but also free taxi enit. we had sex and it was when i saw a joe even worse than the one i saw before. i was grossed out and terrified of him. that was the day i came to the conclusion i didnt love him anymore. i couldnt because of what he did, that night and the whole time i met him. it took me awhile to get over him but uno i did. last time i really spoke to him was him wanting to meet up at the park the day before full lockdown but ofc it didnt happen. that day i was goin to tell him everything. ehat he did to me, what he put me through; but i knew the whole time he’d only asked to meet up is because he wanted to shag. same old same old joe walsh. its now july, 4 months after we met and im okay. hes blocked on everything becuase he got done for sexual assault on his ex. i was gonna come out and say my truth but i didnt have the balls. but amber knows, she knows what he did to me. joe walsh doesn’t exist to me anymore and im glad ive moved on.

i found friends in different groups which i love. macie is no longer involved in my life but i am meetin her next week to talk and see whats happening with her. i feel like half the time my friends hate me but i think thats because of lockdown ive spent too much time with myself and think that the person i am 24/7 is the one they see too. which makes me think why doni even know such great people like them.

a shag is a shag and it always has been. sex is such a casual thing and people need to understand how casual it is. and lust can come from it. the urge juet to have sex whenever. well i had the opportunity with someone i never thought it would happen with. Havan. Havan is a great person and brilliant shag but i just wished that he’d relax me and realise how casual sex is. i thought i was falling for him i really did but i guess i wouldnt be allowed to because he cant be with a white girl, especially me. he would never wanna be seen with me, even when he says he wouldnt care, i know hes lying. so thats when i discovered lust. we are pals and really good ones but i know feelings cant be involved and thats just how it is and i didnt care because it was just sex. miss seeing him every other week but i duno lockdown easing has changed him a lil

your probs thinking. wow. fallen for someone new? again? jesus. hahahahaahhahahha no but yes. im kinda convinced i manifested this situation but honestly have no clue. before xmas i told amber i think steve is fit and if anything fancy him without knowing him just because of all the brill shit people had told me bout him. but she told alex and then aventuually he told him. on new years he came to my motive and we didnt really speak and told me he was jalf jamaican???? ahahahah idek. i didnt see him until god must of been end of febubary start of march the forst time i saw him after new years to then lockdown happening after barcelona where i didnt see him until about the end of may. and from then ive seen him pretty much everyth week since. all we do is eat maccies, talk wass. thats it. just he treats me right, even if we ent together, he has respect for my well being. i think im galling for him but not to yet because i dont think he wasnt a relationship. what id do to be with him damn, i do really like him and wanna be with him but j think hes worried too much about me going to uni, not like i wouldnt be coming back home or him coming to me. i jsut dont think he wants to hurt himself but neither do i like i dont wanna go through everything ive been throungh again. i want him to be apart of my life but idk i think he may be scared but i wish he wasnt i just wish he would ask me out. but today omg so gassed i had the balls to finally ask him on a date !!! like ive never been on one and its going to be with him at ghettogolf its gonna be sick. like doing a couple thing together it be ao fuckin cute man. i duno i just wish he knew how much uni isnt gonna change anything between us because i do really like him.

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love you with my whole life sammion mannion, bestest pal i could of asked for

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never mind see you in a few hours i left my laptop hehe

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bye bubba, love you, see you at xmas :(

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you told me you loved me last saturday

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the whole entire gig reminded me of tom, songs brought back bare memories and i hurted. the songs were too much of a throw back. as much as i likes it i didnt

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pretty much dont wanna be here

joe cheated and my best friend almost raped me. i genuinely just want to not be here like im not worth nothing. joe came down from notts to speak to me about it and so we could talk bout everything, which we did. i feel sick for what he did but i love him to much to leave him over this. he told me loved me for the first time and promised it wasnt ‘miced signals’ so its all just in a different light now.

i went snobs last night, i got upset because of the joe thing so we all agreed to go back to seans which was calm like all happy families. but then reece started moving weird and he tried to do stuff to me before i ran away. the way he was moving reminded me of the past and i know for sure something bad was gonna happen when he grabbed my throat. i feel so sick. i just want joe but hes leaving today. im so sad man my heart hurts so much

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last night was cute and ive genuinely never been so scared at a film before so feel like i defo mugged myself infront of u hahaha. also i loveddd nottingham trent uni, genuinely was sick tbh. so excited to be actually living near u next year bring on uni

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imagine, people let me walk around snobs with this much ket round my nose. fake fans

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i had fun huni and the king sized uni bed has now been christened. i know i was only there for a night but i genuinely missed u dearly x see you on the 3rd sugar tits

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see you in two weeks baby whoop whoop 🥵🥵

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freedom dont come for free, i guess it costed u n me