yenyennayen-blog · 5 years ago
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& I OOO
I’m just going to have to wait this out. I was able to be somewhat stable this whole weekend I think. Besides being within inches of fucking you in my car in broad daylight...but uh...maybe im a freak. Did other girls ? Not do this? Do u wish..I was less horny? Should I try to touch u less? I honestly just want u so bad all the time. I want to touch u all the time. It must be annoying. I wish I could keep myself under control. Every time I see you...I can’t help but feel like it might be the last time. People change so fast, I want you to leave, change as long as you’re happy. I tell u this all the time. You probably don’t understand why I look so sad sometimes...I can’t help but almost cry. I hold onto you & savor every second bc I know it’s only a matter of time. I can only hope to experience a love 1/10 as incredible as this again. Odds are, you’ll meet someone else. Or you’ll lose feelings for me. I feel like you’re losing interest already. As soon as the puppy love phase is over most of my relationships are over. I allowed myself to trust him, I believed for the first time- that someone might stay. I foolishly thought he was my future. I thought he would be my husband. While I was growing more & more committed, he was just figuring out an exit strategy. Even though I was painfully afraid that no one could ever love me, that the concept of marriage is an impossible scam, I chose to do my best to silence those fears. To believe in love. When he dumped me, I had seen it coming for months. I saw the signs & couldn’t tell if I was just damaged/paranoid or if he rlly no longer loved me. I absolutely respect & support his decision. He couldn’t help that he didn’t love me or want to be with me anymore. How can I blame him? I can’t say I love myself either. If I could exit my own existence I rlly would. Love hurts so much. After him, I had dated guys casually, every one only for a couple months at the most. I knew on the first date w every one that- unless my feelings changed significantly, I don’t even like this person enough to...see any sort of future as realistic. But getting to know someone, sometimes things change so I’d give it a shot. I didn’t take things too seriously. It probably took me around 6 months to let go of my ex. Like as rude as this is, I know there’s a lot of fish in the sea but.. there are so so many that I would never consider “dating”. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can rlly help that I deep down have always wanted to be married. Not in the societal sense- but in like the actual lifestyle? Like I don’t care about a ring, but I want someone to experience life with. I want to become a team. I could give up “romantic” love & like marry a friend but they all get boyfriends & most people want families. But I’m 21, so maybe I’ll meet someone who’s down to just be homies & spend their life w me? I’m open to it. HMU. Maybe I’m just meant to go through life alone & connect w different people like a revolving door through fleeting relationships where they’re kind of there but always gone just as fast as they arrived. Long term monogamy is probably a fairy tail that the stupid baby boomers made me believe. Damn them. Damn you Greg. Your whole generation w the “you’ll meet the right guy one day & get married” didn’t rlly explain all the like heartbreak that inevitably lead to the modern divorce rate. Now I’m just trying to unlearn my romanticized concept of love/marriage. So Jake leaves. Experienced the most pain I ever have in my entire life. I learned my lesson, you never rlly know how people feel & nothing lasts forever. “Are we...do u still want to be engaged, you don’t seem sure about us anymore.” -“idk.” To be proposed to, be happier than I had ever been at the time & then have him change his mind about what I wanted to be the rest of my life..hurted a whole lot. So I’m trying my hardest to go slow. To have no expectations. To accept that you’re going to leave at some indefinite point- tomorrow, next month, next year- to not get too attached. I can’t fucking control that I wanna ride you right now in broad daylight parked in my car on the side of the road. I couldn’t stop myself from loving you even if I never see you again, I’ll still love u. Just texting that last sentence uncontrollably brought tears to me eyes. I’m crying right now. I didn’t choose to. It’s 1:30am. What am I supposed to do? What is balanced? I’m figuring it out because my feelings are way too much so if I actually did what I wanted to do, we’d have been married yesterday. I see u 3 times a week? Should I ? Is that too much? What’s uh...you usually...you know me. You know I desperately want you. So all the times we’ve seen each other is when you want to see me cus you know I want to see u. So. It’s too late, like way too late for me to play it cool. The more time you spend w me, the faster you’ll come to hate me. So for me, I wanna spend all the time I have in this life w you, but it’s confusing cus the more time I spend eyou, I know that I’m actively ruining us. So it’s rough out here. It’s exactly like an addiction. I just have to like? Not be dependent. Play it cool. The only way for me to be cool is to not like talk or be around you. If I’m opening my mouth or texting you- I’m saying the most explicit extra disgusting horrible things. I wish I could fake it or practice self control. But I actually can’t. If I had self control...I wouldn’t have any of these problems. But no. Every time I touch you I feel so guilty and annoying. I remember laying in bed w my ex and laying as far as possible away from him so I wouldn’t bother him cus he stopped cuddling me. He stopped holding my hand. He stopped kissing me. We didn’t have sex. I remember wishing I could touch him but I could tell he didn’t want to touch me anymore. I just slept there, otherwise I would just stay out as much as possible. I would cry in my car after work at midnight. So I wouldn’t wake him up. The truth is, I think this experience might fuck me up for the rest of my life. I can’t. I want to spend every second w you, but I feel like I’m cancer & I don’t want to ruin your life. I made him miserable even when I was doing my very best to make him happy. I understand that at some point most couples live together, I’m assuming you eventually want to live with your partner. But this experience was so traumatic for me that I don’t know how to trust myself. Space is good but like? I don’t even understand that sentence. My body is impulsive. Before I even can consciously process that what I’m doing is too much, I’m sexually touching you. I honestly have never felt this way before so I’m learning how to control it. I’ll do better next time. I hope.
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yenyennayen-blog · 6 years ago
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U CAN ONLY POST ONE @ A TIME?¿?¿? I sleep (stay up all night) w my makeup on 5/7 days a week. This is the result most mornings when I go about my day like this is appropriate behavior.
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yenyennayen-blog · 6 years ago
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An outlet for my thoughts & feelings
I currently journal within a 200 page word document, and I thought I might post some of my thoughts & feelings on here as well. I have the literacy level of a 5th grader. Most of my thoughts are dramatic, pathetic & depressing. I’m just another millennial thot sadgirl. This will probably become a more wild version/continuation of my finsta.
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