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yeoldebaggageclaim · 1 month ago

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alright it's decision time again bc i changed my mind and bailed on CRC bc it was killing me

honestly the number of times i've had to bail on things that were killing me in the last two years has been too high, i need to stop getting myself into situations where it's that bad and start recognizing earlier when something's not working out so i can bail early and be happy

that aside, i need to find ways to make money before the end of august, which is now that i write it out a lot shorter timeframe to have to cover myself by thank god. because the home depot job starts in late august! whew! thank god! i only really need to cover one more month's rent. this is going to be so much easier than i believed it would be with my time blind ass like a few minutes ago. okay so let's see. i have enough to cover rent on the first, and if my calculations are correct i have 520 dollars after that.

i need 701 dollars in addition to that in order to make rent/bills by the end of august for september. plus i'll need like 500 for food and supplements and toiletries.

so let's see. that's. a thousand 200 dollars

okay so i have one and a half months to earn let's call it 1.5 thousand dollars

what can i throw at this

i can apply for an interrim job... i can look into the area actually and see if there are any temp agencies that might be able to help me out

no. there aren't any. why would there be in thsi fucking horrible tiny ass fucking town

okay so for actual employment options we have a job that requires 45 hours of your time every week, but has a seemingly otherwise normal workload, OR a job that wants your days nights weekends and firstborn and will have you doing three peoples jobs but for the salary for two and a half of you

do i: have it in me to go mega fucking hard for one month in order to make a lot of money fast?

honestly bc that would be either of those options, and i'd be leaving to work remotely at home depot at the end anyway unless i surprised myself and wound up fucking loving them

tho that's also if the home depot one comes through, it's only a strong potential right now not a guarantee

either way the question becomes can i raise that much money on my own through other means in the meanwhile. i'm gonna need to do like five hundred dollars every two weeks if i want to make this work. that's like 250 a week, which is like 35 dollars a day

can i figure out how to make 35 dollars a day? 36 really there's change.

i could totally open up emote commissions again, those are 35 each and i can do multiple of those per day

so definitely doing that and going to advertise it openly everywhere

but from what i know those don't draw very hard... i can set up kofi in order to have more packages available tho... i can do like one for 35 or 5 for 150

and... i can contact lushe about maybe doing some kind of patron service for the next month if that's something they'd still be open to, that's extra money coming in

i can offer the dream interpretation services that i had set up last year, i'm still really good at those and i have a functional computer now. i am gonna wanna change out my icon is all, i don't like having my face attached

im not versed enough to offer tarot readings yet unfortunately. i haven't even read for myself yet

i could try and find a place to sell off the rest of the janice that i don't want to keep, i only really want one of them. that would be 120 dollars if i sold them all. maybe i could ask jesse about if he had any ideas where i might be able to do that

i could also look for temporary work through joe's jobs board

i could open up sneeze art commissions as well. i'd need to draw a little bit more of it just so i have something to show for myself though and that requires um. learning how to draw it consistently BUT i can do that right. the trouble with snz art is it's so hard to find pose references and it usually comes out looking hella fucking janky BUT if im able to maybe do it in a style that is a little bit more simplified than my usual style that may help a lot. i'm going to want to make some practice art for this and that will also be fun which is something i desperately need right now

i can find out how to teach a course online as well and i can teach a few art seminars. im going to be going into teaching anyway that could be good practice. i'll have to look into where to host. i can take the money through kofi.

my computer isn't quite good enough to stream, so that's kind of off the table...

so i think THAT'S my ideas exhausted for now, so now it's time to look into these further

opening up emote commissions again is a no brainer. obviously i'm going to do that. it's quick it's easy and it's free

i definitely want to look into art seminars as well, that will be something to research tomorrow

dream interpretation services definitely also, but i have to review it and simplify, i really over-complicated it last time and i think it hindered me. i'll want to go over that tomorrow too

i think joe's jobs board is going to be the safest third thing to try because even if it's something that winds up bleeding into september by a bit, if it's remote/from home i could wind up being able to balance the two for a bit and not have to let down anyone in the industry. that's something that i can do today as well

then.... while i have all that in the fire i can work on practicing and developing a sneeze art style in order to open commissions within the community as well, and that takes the pressure off that because i'd really rather keep bigger art pieces for free and retain creative liberties over it

i wanna hold off on selling janice unless i need to, i'd rather give some away in the lobby. i could leave a tip jar if i want to but i'd prefer janice to be free

i want to hold off on approaching lushe for extra income as well because let's face it those recording were extremely cringe and in bad taste and i don't want to have to go through with that. and they're getting a bit weird about me. and giving me money anyway. so yeah nah i'm good out here unless things get dire. i'd rather beg on bsky actually.

OKAY thats' gameplans!

i will give myself.... until august first to try all these before i try to apply for a job that i think will be too much for me, but i'll keep my eye on the job boards in case something actually decent pops up in the meanwhile that i can flee to for a time or maybe forever who knows

good talk go team

ooh plus also i just remembered im getting a payout from accrued/unused pto, that will help too.

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yeoldebaggageclaim · 2 months ago

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hoo boy. okay. i have so much to consider. it's journalling time. hello blog

two categories:

job (what to do) and then love... situation... thing... (what to do???)

oh and then over-arching theme: what am i doing next and when/where am i going to

do i want to stay in minnesota for a while? i mean no, i've established that. i don't like it here. i feel a fish out of water and find the culture incredibly alienating, the landscape is unsettlingly flat, and i miss the east coast.

i think i'd like to move to ithaca when i'm able to

that being said i do love my apartment and i do have friends here who i'd like to keep, like at least two, maybe four. i know i'd be able to keep in touch with at least one of them if i move away, and honestly im so used to up and moving and changing friend groups that isn't as huge of a catastrophe to me as it could be by now, i'm so versed in it from childhood. it isn't something i can allow to keep me down

so i'll need to save money in order to move, but also i'll want to continue making my space nice in the interrim. i want at least to have my desk, chair, and a nice bed. the current setup (a floor mattress that is somehow??? myseteriously wet on the bottom???? sometimes???? and two overturned milkcrates for a desk) is not great ergonomics and my body, which is put together with rubberbands and elmers glue at the best of times, cannot abide this long-term

theres also the matter of the current order of things tho, and i'm going to need a passport in case it becomes necessary to throw all my plans to shit and flee the country. that'll cost at least 300 dollars to get out of the way (and i'd like a haircut before i have my passport photo taken because god yikes i look a mess) but at least that's something my friend jesse (who i'd like to keep in touch with) can help me with when he gets back from his trip.

in order to plan for that though i'm going to need to know what our schedules look like so that i can coordinate them to make a hair appointment (which will also cost money) and in order to know MY schedule i'll need to know what my job situation is going to look like and that's going to take some deciding on my part

SO looking at that first, options:

staying at CRC

abandoning CRC for a different local job that pays enough to allow me to cab to it

abandoning CRC for a wfh position for home depot that mizzy's offering me

trying to get on disability? and survive on that? supplement my income with the odd art or snz commission?

im bumping different local job down to the very bitty bottom of the list because i hate it here and i don't want to start over again at another place in this same fucking shithole of a town, i'd rather try and get by on commissions and disability if i can

so then we have staying at CRC, going to home depot from home, or getting on disability and doing art

i think im bumping disability down to a next-to-last ditch option since it would be incredibly difficult to secure and not very abundant to survive on. i wouldn't be able to make a nice life for myself on it in the way that i'd really like to, and i'm tired of struggling. if i need it to survive then yes yes of course but if i can find another way im going to try that first

which leaves me between crc and home depot and here's where i need to write out the pros and cons of both

on the one hand:

even thinking about having to go back to crc fills me with dread and scorn. i hate my job so fucking much. it's so goddamn brutal and im incredibly bitter at whoever it was (natalie???) that decided to penalize me for my chronic health condition. i have gone through a lot of torment in maintaining this job and my actual fucking nervous system is taking a huge hit because of it. i mean i have an autonomic disorder to begin with and this has been fucking it ALL TO HELL. i have never felt this physically poorly for this long in my life. i need to put so many intentional blocks and supports in place for me to even be minimally functional in this position and they're all load bearing and they're all sometimes too much to maintain bc being this goddamn stressed out all day every day is goddamn exhausting and i have barely any energy left to throw at anything that i actually want to do, which is not the type of job i'd like to have.

that being said there are benefits to staying here as well, if im physically capable of it and it wouldn't be too much of a mental strain (both of which are incredibly tenuous IFs, i may not be able to maintain the stressful position mentally OR physically for that long, as it is i'm already deeply struggling and as i'd said i'd like not to be struggling, i dont' want to set myself up for more strife...) but if that were possible i may be able to move into HR (where i'd have to be beneath natalie (hiss...) ) which would be a huge pay bump and also i'd get to take care of the office, which would be quite a natural position for me to fill. i love people and i love the people IN my local office. i like going TO a place for work, i like having office coworkers who i vibe with, the work culture feels natural and at home to me and i enjoy that type of setting. that being said natalie in hr CAN eat my ass, and i suspect the only reason why upper management is able to be so easy-going and friendly is bc she's a fucking bulldog. i don't think i'd enjoy working directly beneath her.

SOOOO with the home depot position there are some pros and cons as well. starting with the pros, having a wfh position might make it easier to maintain my health and recover from POTS symptoms when i need to. mizzy said that it's a low-stress position, the worst anyone calls in with has been that they bought something expensive and it turned up broken. she also said that if you have someone screaming at you you're encouraged to get a supervisor involved, you don't have to just sit and take it like you do at the company i work for now. it would also be a little bit of a pay raise from my current position, and it may be an evening position which would work so much better for my body's natural rhythms and health. the decrease in stress would be good for my body as well. in combination, the pay raise, reduction in stress, and better hours would mean an increase in energy, allowing me to take better care of myself and keep feeling better in something like an upwards spiral which is something i'd like to engage with. it would also allow me to provide for myself better and save more without having to sacrifice as much in the way of getting myself nice things (for morale) which i'd like too... and mizzy said their accomodation process is really friendly and easy to navigate which sounds a treat to me

theeee downsides are that it's still a call center position, and now having been burned in one i'm wary of those again. although if my choices are between Call Center I Know Is Bad and Call Center That Might Be Easier i know which of the two it would make more sense to choose... and then also there's the bit of it being WFH. i really don't enjoy the idea of that, especially right now, with my not having a bed or desk yet. part of what i like about going to work is having furniture that doesn't break my entire body... although that being said i HAVE begun to notice today that the setup i have at CRC actually indeed has been pretty bad, specifically for my neck and back, which. girl. i have enough issues with already. i don't need any more. i do also want to try and find a place away from my cozy comfy bed to DO the work so that i don't grow to associate my cozy comfy bed with like. work. or any stress that might entail. but i've been thinking i do have a bunch of cushions and a couple of more milk crates i could put into the hall and try to do my work from there for a while until i'm able to get myself a proper setup with my bed and desk here... and the other thing i'm not a fan of about WFH is it can be very isolating. i don't want to find myself in another situation where the only time i talk to anybody is work interactions, i feel like my personality gets completely lost in those situations. then again isn't that kind of what i'm doing already now. i was just thinking the other day how weird and foreign i felt being myself and hanging out with my friends on discord or even just talking with stephen... and i think part of that's actually really tied into how stressful the CRC job is and how it leaves me without the time or the braincells i need in order to socialize and connect with my loved ones--it's really isolating and i hate that actually. the only other thing is i hate to start over and be the newbie again, but i mean. that's still preferable to the hell i've been going through

everything else weighted against the decision has to do with other people and their expectations of me--i don't want to abandon jesse, i don't want to disappoint brad or sue, i don't want leah to miss me. those are all things that i shouldn't make life decisions on. as much as he feels like the fun office dad brad isn't really that much anyone to me, his opinion shouldn't matter that much. leah is sweet but we aren't really friends, and if we were she'd reach out if she missed me anyway. and as far as jesse goes i want to remain friends with him, and we still live close enough to do so in person even! i might approach him about having weekly hang-outs or at least phonecalls to keep in touch and keep hanging out, and that will even be easier when i have more energy and more strength left to do things with when my job isn't killing me. also, when i do want to move, having a job that's fully remote should make that transition much easier as well, since i could do it from anywhere so long as it's within 2 hrs of a home depot store for tech issue reasons

honestly i feel so much lighter even considering this change, i think it will be a really good and healthy idea for me

okay so that settles it, in priority order my options are:

home depot

survive what i've got

disability

someplace else in this fuckass town

okay now at least i know what i want to try for, then it's a matter of next steps. i know i want to: update my resume so i can move to home depot, move to home depot, get a passport just in case, get my bed and desk setup here, move to ithaca when i can, get a haircut

okay so putting those in order: update my resume, move to home depot, get a haircut, get my passport photo, get my passport, get my bed and desk setup, and move to ithaca when i can

some other things that i'd like to do include writing my own work again, and attending school in order to pursue a professorship

i think that as soon as i settle in at home depot and get into a comfortable rhythm with it, i can start writing again, and then once i have enough money saved up to i can look into schooling? it may be best to think more about this when i'm a few more steps into this process as well, in order to be able to better assess the time and resources i have available to me when i'm in different circumstances.

okay that settles this then, and solidifies updating my resume here in my schedule for today. im glad i was able to get my head on straight about this as well, it helps a lot

NEXT THERE'S THE UHHHHHHHHHHHH FEELINGS SITUATION. JINKIES. IM. OHHHHH GOD OH HHHhhh hh h nO. buries my face in my hANDS. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME by talos..... oh man.... oh man.... oh man.... fuck.... damn..... piss ass cunt fart and poop. shit and beans. motherfuckerly. god dAMNIT. lays down i dannot beliebe. i cannot believe. ohhhhhhhhhghghghghg my gAWDH-H.

okay so i love my friend lillian. this is apparent. i cannot stop this i love her. she's nice to me and pays attention to me and is enthusiastic about me and she writes with me and i love her characters and i love how she crafts a story and i love the attention and i love the compassion and i love how sweet and caring she is and this is a bad idea right. this is a bad idea? i don't know her very well outside of the context of writing together except that i know she was recently suicidal as of a year ago and is currently undergoing some Shit as well and is going to be seeing her doctor tomorrow/this evening (because she lives in AUSFUCKINGSTRALIA.) in order to get her meds adjusted. okay but but but but? she IS doing something about it, she isn't just languishing and letting thigns get bad, THAT'S A GOOD SIGn it means she won't do that avoidance thing at least in regards to taking care of herself and that's a relief BUT ALSO oh god. scared to love someone who's in such a bad way, scared t oget CLOSE to someone who's in such a bad way. BUT ALSO listen, my dear friend sasha has to be on antipsychotics and antidepressants in order to function and she's a fucking delight. and her and matt have a lasting relationship despite a lot of stress.... he's even been there for her through times when she needed a caretaker and they came out the other side just fine. so that might be possible, to be with someone who has issues and not have it negatively impact the relationship (IF it even goes that far, because? again i don't know how she actually feels about this i don't know how she feels about ME i don't even know if she's into women? i don't know if she's INTO anyone i think she may identify as demisexual but she may just not be into people over-all idk if she identifies as "ace" or not and i DON'T even know if she's aro or not???????? i feel like that would have come up by now bu there's actually SO MUCH i don't know about her yet that makes this all so incredibly difficult to navigate, and, i must reiterate, she's in AUSTRALIA WHICH IS SOOO FAR AWAY and i don't want the distance to put a strain on things even if we WERE to engage with each other that way which is again not even guaranteed--although ham and amber are also in seperate countries and seperate timezones and they make it work beautifully and are even thinking of moving in together and ohhhhh don't think about how nice it would be to live with someone you barely even know oh my god to be able to hold her and make her breakfast and make her tea and have someone to look after me when im weak and can't sit up and ohhhhhh no no no no no no no oh no oh my god oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh my god oh god oh no ohhhhh god. help. uhaul fuckin lesbian ass. i don't even know what she looks like. i don't even know what her voice sounds like. im so scared that if i find out im only going to love her harder. oh god what is wrong with me

but the thing is she's so creative and interesting and i want to get to know her better and. oh. oh maybe if i do ever breach the subject that's where i can start. i can just let her know i'd like to get to know her better. i can let her know i really enjoy our time writing together and i think she's lovely and compassionate and kind and interesting and i'd like to get to know her better to see if there's maybe anything there and if she doesn't feel the same way that's alright and i'll not bring it up again and nothing has to change or be weird between us because i totally and completely respect boundaries and won't give another hint or another peep about it, but just putting it out there in case she did feel the same way.

EX.CEPT. i know i would spend then entire fucking time pining and being so DEEPLY weird about it on the inside and that would torment me. i'm ALREADY DOING THAT. UGH. FUCK.

but listen. i feel how i feel. i cannot change me on that deep a level and i cannot deny myself either now knowing what that is. is it not better to be honest. i can be up front about the part where i recognize that we're both going through a pretty hard time right now and would understand if it wasn't something that was on her radar, too, as far as looking for anything like that

the thing is i don't want to alienate her or make her feel uncomfortable around me, i don't want to lose the friendship we have

the last time i pursued something with a friend i deeply regretted it... but then again if i hadn't pursued it i would have likely been kind of haunted by it anyway, it was bound to happen. some things just need to come out. and isn't that beautiful and poetic and deeply ironic considering who i am as a person and what my proclivities are.

maybe just. taking things very slowly? that sounds like it might be nice? i don't even have to say something right away, i can just monitor things for a little while--but then comes the immediate and crushing fear she'll find someone else first and oh my god i would be devastated if somebody else snapped her up before me

ough god

god

fuck

god fucking djsdghdkg god

i hate that this is happening

maybe i need to talk to another friend about it

i bet sasha would have an idea

yeah, more input needed OH and i have that decisions in relationships module that my therapist is sending over. i wonder if it has arrived yet

okay because the logical decision here is to get it all out in the open and stop torturing myself and if this is going to crash and burn because of it then let it. i mean if i think about it if a friend i didn't feel that way about let me know they were into me... well i'd be concerned for them, i wouldn't want to feel like i was leading them on in any way, but if they were a really good friend who i spoke with every day? like... like if shannon was like "hey i think i want to get to know you better, i know we're best friends but would you want to be more than friends?" i wouldn't want to pursue that, i'm not into her at all... i'd let her know that i love her as a bestie and to please let me know if i ever did anything that made her uncomfortable going forward but i don't think that's what i want for us, i like being best friends and don't see her that way. i'd hope she wouldn't pull away or feel ashamed, and i'd hope she'd be able to tuck that away and move on in her own time

would i be able to tuck it away? i mean i already kind of am. i've had friends (hannah for example) where there was some kind of rebuffing involved but we're still good friends and even though we send each other sexy content sometimes there's nothing there

and i have had other friendships where i was so caught up in the idea of being with them that when it wasn't reciporocated i found myself pulling away hard and that friendship ended. that was a real shame, (WHAT A LOSS.) but it's not so bad. i don't WANT that to happen with lillian obviously... and i think i may have gotten better with moving on and keeping my options open as far as people who might be into me

in that way i also almost don't want to say anything because if it doesn't approach me first what if it's not FOR me. but also sometimes you have to go after what it is that you want... and what i want is in fact to get to know lillian better and see if there is any potential there

i also just don't want to be awkward about it i guess?

and i would really miss writing with her if things WERE to go south in that way. plus i feel like having someone in my life to say good morning and goodnight to has been invaluable to me for over a decade now. then again i know i'm able to get that from my friends now too, so i'm not as bereft of that ritual when i'm without a person in particular. i do so like writing with her and adore her characters.

do you have to be alright with losing someone in order to admit you like them??? that feels so backwards and unfair actually. maybe the-- oh

wait. no i have to tell her though. because boundaries and consent are important and if im over here pining quietly and she doesnt know then its not fair to her because she cant decide what to do about me whether that be pursuing something or not

then again im also involved in this situation and i need to know that what i decide is kind and honest with myself as well

i think what i need to do is remind myself to be normal and measured in this situation. if it was stephen what would i want him to do?

id think maybe his friend likes him back and he ought to go for it bc im forever a hopeful sort, and and and it would be better for him to know this kind of thing in advance rather than pining about it and torturing himself endlessly. one way or another it's better to have the truth out there, and even if this activity with his friend that he likes so much were to come to an end maybe he could find someone else to do it with. there's lots of people out there who he might be able to try an activity with

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo that's what i ought to do right? i hate that im right about this.

and what WOULD stephen do.... probably exactly that. for all that hes' been through he's ever resilient and hopeful, and he keeps going in for more. which is exactly what i'd want for him. no one should shut themself off from love just because they've been hurt before

and alsoooo yeah i'd rather know earlier rather than later if this wouldn't work out

this also doesn't feel like something that's Just Going To Pass the way that i've had crushes on some of my other friends like hannah or beez. and honestly i kind of don't want it to pass?

BUT THEN THERE'S ALSO THE THING TO CONSIDER OF ME AND MY WELLBEING. am I even ready to pursue something again so soon after my last breakup

i... i actually don't know. i like who i am outside of a relationship. i like finding out more about myself. do i need a little break from romance?

i know i often feel deeply romantically lonely and that it's a very painful feeling, too

and on top of that she's in australia, our schedules are never going to be the same

that being said, i don't think i need anything to change about her in order for me to be head over heels. i already feel that way. and she seems to take care of herself which is a huge win. and she's close to my age as well. and has excellent taste in. things. which is also big to me, i need to be compatible with someone on a lot of these levels and we're matching on them...

i do wish that i KNEW more but isn't that what getting to know someone is like? for??? is that not part of what taking things slow is about? it would certainly be the most honest option to lean into letting my feelings show and just laying all of my cards on the table

i can't help that, i can't help the feelings i have and i do also wish to live by my values and that includes being honest and open and communicating and also minding my own boundaries as well, and making decisions based on those things in tandem is important

im going to consult my cards again hang on, what was this week's reading?

part of it does say to consider looking back at times i've felt this way, and that i've been through enough change by now i should know. that i should lead with wisdom and compassion. i think that... looking back i wouldn't have wanted not to admit my feelings. in fact i would have liked to have been more open with them and more honest with myself and with others from the start. that includes evaluating what i want and being honest about what i feel, and that means, in this situation, going slowly, being honest about having been burned like recently and therefore wanting to proceed with caution and take really measured steps about getting to know each other and not rush into anything, but that i do really like her and i would really like to get to know her better if she's open to it and that if she isn't, then i'll back off and be cool with just being friend and would not try to force anything she did not want bc i respect her and her boundaries first and foremost

that being said that feels like the wisest option but it's also one im scared of and also one i do not know how or WHEN to approach

we're both having a really Bad Time and right now she's about to get her meds adjusted so that she can start feeling a bit better bc of it, and like. i don't want to drop this on her right while she's destabilitzed and dysregulated? that feels inconsiderate? perhaps once she's feeling a bit better? that sounds reasonable right?

maybe this is the part i will ask sasha about. she knows things. i think this is the right move. i think at least i know how i feel about things now and where i stand and what i actually would want to do if/when i do in fact do anything about this

okay. good talk. thanks blog.

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