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Kind

Right now I need to just be really kind with myself and focus on one day at a time. Otherwise where I am overwhelms. Remember- gratitude gets you going, out of the black cloud and gets you going. Think the thoughts that make you expand not contract. You are a star, not a black hole contracting on itself. A bright star. Choose the bright star thoughts-- even if the black hole thoughts are true it doesn't mean it’s gonna help me. All it does is put me in a state of anxiety that may not help me to change my state and prevent me from living the live I want to lead

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The Why

I was thinking about the why. With COVID I definitely started thinking about health vs just obsessing over weight. Thinking about the importance of taking care of my body and how I want it to last for a long while. Really started thinking about the diet soda that I drink and the amount of alcohol. I want my mind to stay sharp, I want energy, I want to feel good and be able to produce for a long while because I still have so much that I want to do with my life. I don't really have time to screw around anymore and I don't want to give up and settle for a mediocre life. And another thing I was thinking about in terms of the why is because it pisses other people off, too. It pisses of other colleagues because why should they work so hard for and with me if I am not putting in the same amount of discipline. I am now also focusing on each day instead of living in the abstract. Thinking about how my colleagues work out so much and eat so healthy every day and resent the people who do not-- because it is part of the job! And other people are dependent on you-- it’s a team sport and people need you to show up ready. And how do you do that? By building a good routine and when you don't feel like it remember that no one is going to want to work with you if they don't see you putting in the same amount of work or more that they are putting in 

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Personal motivation for the day.

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Creating Healthy Routine During COVID

I gained a massive amount of weight due to COVID stress and not leaving my house and not working out. I was living like I was on an extended vacation, for three months, in addition to not having lost my holiday weight -- having too much alcohol and eating unhealthy food paired with NOT moving. At any rate. I started working out again starting in July. It has been a little over a month and a half of regular workouts and I have only lost 7lbs. That is only a lb a week. I guess its very very easy to forget that I am changing my life style. That no matter what, so long as I can, I will get a 30-45 min work out in every day and lift 3 times a week. Right now I am building it up to working out six days a week and then, in the next couple weeks, I will build it up to 7 and then add in the lifting 3 days a week. I guess just continuing to tell myself that this is my life style now and that by showing up everyday with a routine that the habit and routine will take over and I won't even have to think about it anymore or make it hard for myself. I think I will focus on gratitude right now. I am grateful because when I started working out again I was having a lot of back pain and joint pain because I was so used to sitting on my tush. As I have lost even this little amount of weight my back is hurting much much less. It in so much pain initially. It’s easy to forget that and it is definitely a testament to why you should just never stop moving. Also, what an impact it has just to get a workout in in terms of your mood. So, I am grateful that I am able to workout, that my joints are in less pain, that my mood is improving, that I am building a really good morning routine. I am also grateful for having accountability through my zoom workout classes. Checking in with people, interacting, and showing up-- all good for mental health. What else? Oh! I am so grateful that I don't have to embarrass myself at a gym while I am this weight. It’s easy to forget the kind of mental gymnastics you have to do, when you are fat, to go to the gym and look sweaty and fat and embarrassing with all the giggle moving around. Further, I go to a gym where I would potentially bump into ex-boyfriends who dumped me, and who happen to be in great shape still. So there’s that. I am grateful to be in safe space but still have accountability. I am also grateful that I can just wakeup and workout without having to drive to the gym and then figure out parking. And the class that I go to now is the same time every day- which is awesome because it changes around when it’s at the gym. I understand getting bored and wanting to change it up but we do different dances and it’s an easy way to get me through some cardio, clock 30 min of exercise on my watch, get half my steps in and a little under half my calorie goal-- all before 10AM. And did I mention the accountability factor is huge? Really helping me to set in place good habits. I thought of one more thing-- I feel like so much of paying a trainer is having someone to check in with because after you have learned how to do the workouts its really just someone to check in with and to push you and it is SO expensive for that! Right now I have someone to check in with, six days a week, and it costs me $60- $80 a month. Also, my sister started coming to my Zoom workout class, too. So that’s awesome because it’s a way to sort of bond and connect. And I love checking out her screen sometimes and seeing her bop around in her living room and looking funny, just like the rest of us. haha. 

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I woke up, weighed myself, gained 8lbs in two days from binging, and the proceeded to eat more. Wellll, I will break the cycle now. The cycle ends right now. I will drink so much water and flush flush flush it out. And I will run run run it out, too. 

I will feel better if I lose weight for my girls trip this next weekend. I wish I had stayed out of my house yesterday so that I didn't eat but that's no reason to let myself keep going.

I have to remind myself that I once weighed 194 (after a foot fracture) but I was able to lose 20lbs and I can and will, with discipline, habit changes, and meditations, lose 20lbs again and very quickly, so as to be a full participant in life again. To feel more comfortable in this vessel. To have it be the best version it can be 

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Berta 2020 Evening Portfolio, 2019

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“I remember passing shopwindows with my mother and asking why people didn’t just kick them in. She explained that there were unspoken rules of social behavior, and that’s the way we coexist as people. I felt instantly confined by this notion that we are born into a world where everything was mapped out by those before us. I struggled to suppress destructive impulses and worked instead on creative ones.”

— Patti Smith, Just Kids

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It wasn't really just the holidays. I got depressed because I got married to a specific “how” and there was a lot loaded on to that, so when it didn't work out the way I'd like it to I got really disheartened, even though I was making some progress in other areas of my life. I had been putting myself out there. Thing is that can really crash yo dreams down and its hard to come back from. But I want to be a person who is able to be strong in the face of trials and the ups and the downs, a person who is resilient, who fails fast and comes back with enthusiasm and excitement. 

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Hope

That over and over again is the thing that I need to tell myself. To have hope. Hope paired with action. Physically out in the world, too. So, yes, it feels daunting to know that I wont start to look normal for another 16lbs, that I am 16lbs away from the high end of a normal BMI. I think while I'm losing weight that I have to do things to make myself feel better about myself. Like if I moisturize and use self tanner every night, keep my hair and nails really well kept, spend money on clothes instead of alc (this is a big one- you found the money for alc- for now replace it with clothes and makeup- if you don't drink for a week you get to spend $20 on a clothe item or you get to get your nails done or a pedicure, or a waxing, or btx 

Its like if nothing else these things can help you feel comfortable leaving the house so that you don't turn into a shut in ever again

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I need to keep a full length mirror in my downstairs during the day again so that I can see myself when I eat. I need to get up every morning, prep my meals, and have a check list for the day about how my day is going to shape up. 

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Wellll

So, here I am again. I made progress and then the holidays destroyed me. Just obliterated me and now I am back to the exact same fat weight I was last year at this time. That’s pretty damn gut wrenching. I fought so hard just to get my body down to 159 in August and I still looked like fat hell for a wedding that I was in. And it’s nuts to think that I am 14lbs heaver than that. I just have to focus on this every day. One day at a time. And tell myself that “just for today” I will eat very healthy small portions (telling myself that I can have the burrito or the steak or the pizza another time) and then keep doing that every day. I have been stuck in this fat suit for far too long. It has held me back so much. Fatty food has destroyed my life. It’s just that simple. It’s embarrassing. I need to blog every morning and at night again so that I can keep my priorities straight. “If you want to get paid gas money then you have to learn how to say ‘no’ to pizza”. As in, if you want to move up in your career, if you’re serious, then you’ll drop the weight. And from now on if I fuck up then I make myself pay for it right after. 

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reblog to lose 20lbs by christmas🎄

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help me lose weight!!!!

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I need to make ice cubes with mint and lemon in them for my water. MMMM. Would be so good with sparkling water, too! So good to calm the appetite.

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Reblog if you want to lose 20-30 lbs by winter.❄️

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Personal motivation for the day.