yieldacalos

[yieldacalos]

[yieldacalos]

5 years but feels like a lifetime...

[yieldacalos]

[yieldacalos]

It may sound clingy and it may not be obvious but I am the type of girl who needs a constant attention from his man. That’s too much to ask for, right? Maybe that’s the reason that until now, I am still single or not yet ready to fully commit into a relationship aka not yet ready to take it to the next level. I expect a lot of things from people. I expect them to meet my standards that are too high to reach. I expect them to know what I want them to do without me asking for it. I expect them to be a living Augustus Waters or guys from a cliche novels... I expect a lot and these expectations led me to one thing-- disappointments.

I don’t know about you but as a reader who reads a lot, my imagination goes wild whenever I see him. He is a typical  guy. Silent but deadly. A happy-go-lucky one who loves to take risky things. He is no romantic, not my ideal type. His presence annoys me, the way he do his things annoys me. He is a complete opposite of me... but he has my heart. He disappoints me often, and I don’t know why... I am losing interest because I don’t like it when I get disappointed by someone.

Y’now, I like being baby-ed. Being spoiled. I like it when a guy talks about all the things that is happening on his mind, on his life. I like it when a guy randomly tells me that he prays for me, he’s thankful for me. I like it when he post stories and things to social media about me... like how much he adores me. I like it when a guy surprises me through little things. 

This is some sort of ‘attitude problem’, I know that. I am working on it. I am fixing myself slowly. I hope he will lengthen his patience. 

I hope you can wait. Well, you can also leave because if I were you, I don’t wanna be with me either.

1:06 AM

[yieldacalos]

[yieldacalos]

but its okay that you’re leaving me, because i wouldn’t want to be with me either.

i want to tear my skin apart 

[yieldacalos]

The flame is turning into a smoke slowly drifting away. I wanna feel again the sparks on us but seems like it turned what we had into putrefaction.  I wanna experience again the whole zoo in my tummy while I read your messages and get excited but sadly, I can no longer feel it. Is the problem on me? or in you? I do not even know but all I know is you and I, we're both slowly fading into obscurity.

I love you, I am sure of it. You said you feel the same way but I can't feel it even today. The conversation we had these past few months, I miss that so bad. I miss your laugh, I miss how I trust you so much, I miss your pure smile and I miss the old you. Love, if there's any chance, can you bring that back? I know it won't be easy because It is hard for me to be satisfied but please, try your best and bring out the best.

There were days where I asked myself, do I even deserve to have someone like you? or do you deserve to have someone like me?. I wanna go back the first time we started everything so I will know where to fix the thing that caused us this but I am stupid and I do not know where to start. Can you at least lend a help?

Your replies, they show no interest. The way you treat me, shows no love. The way you act, shows no feelings for me. Do you even care? or you are just afraid to end this shit because you are afraid that you might regret it? or are you waiting for me to push you away? Look love, I am now overthinking again. Without your assurance, my mind won't function properly. This is what you do to me when you are like that, but do not worry because you are worth all the insanity.

[yieldacalos]

How do you manage to sleep at night knowing you hurt someone you claimed you love?

How do you do that? Can you teach me your ways? How did you manage to be so calm while I'm on raged? How on earth did you manage to act so well and go out without any farewell? How do you do that love? Please, teach me your ways.

I wanna experience what it feels like to be so calm and to still sane while my other half is mourning in pain. I wanna experience to sleep at night without no worries while my other half is still awake, thinking how to escape reality. I wanna experience how not to shred tears while my other half is going out with his friends drinking beers. I wanna experience what it feels like to ignore the messages you sent me while on the other part of the world, you are desperately waiting for a response. I wanna feel numb while you are acting dumb. So my love, teach me your ways.

[yieldacalos]

"What are you?"

and then I answered, 'Less than lovers but more than friends.'

 At some point in your life, did you experience being with someone, doing stuff like what a normal couple do but you are not really together? it sucks you know. It is like you are not worthy the risk.

Well, he did asked me to be his officially but I am the kind of girl with standards and it matters the setting of the scene,  the way he asked... He said love me, yes, but he cannot even ask me to be his girl properly. I don't know if I am being demanding, some of you might say that I should accept whatever he is giving me and I should be contented but no, hell no. I and everyone of us has the right to have the best and he is not giving me his best.

[yieldacalos]

1:18 AM

My day was a pure roller coaster ride. It has a lot of downs and ups and I think, it ended with up. 

We talked already. I am tired of sadness always on tarry during night, disappears during day and vice versa... so I spill every anger, emotions that I had except one... I am worried. Being an over thinker really sucks, it really ruin my happiness. But, i. can't. stop. I am aware that I am not worthy of anything, but he says he will fight slowly... I can't help myself to doubt it. There are nonstop what ifs flooding in my mind. 'What if he'll get tired?', 'What if he'll find someone better?', 'What if the spark will gone?', and many more.

I have so many reasons to stay away because he is surely a pain in the ass and I so freaking hate feeling pains but I have one reason to stay... I love him and he is worthy of insanity because if you have never lost your sanity, you've never been in love.

I am afraid too because he’s oblivious to his promises when things go rough. I can still remember when we were on 8th grade asking me to be his again and then I answered him with a question, “What can you promise  me?” and he answered... “Everything.” and I can list the how many times he promised to stay, and will always be there for me.

Hey love, please... be a man of words because my day ended up and I know sooner or later we’ll experience downs. I hope love, you’ll keep it.

1:34 AM

[yieldacalos]

Boy, I was wrong.

I am slowly cutting the strings between us but no matter how I try to move on, I still found myself coming back to you. Something is holding me back. I still think that we deserve another chance but how you act... I can see no interest at all. Maybe I am just a girl for good times and I don’t deserve to be treated special. I am just for enjoyments, laughter, and happiness. 

Be happy. And thank you because for the third fucking time, I lost my faith in you.

[yieldacalos]

Day 2

It's the second day of not being together and not eating proper meals but don’t worry, I did not eat because of you, I did not eat because I want to. By the wat I already unblocked you on facebook but, I unfriended you. I hate seeing you online but not talking to me. I unblocked you on twitter too. Your profile is public and I am free to stalk and lurk but, I did not. My friends are telling me that we soon, are getting back together. But I guess, we are not because I know you've had enough and you won't come back for more. 

Perfect by Ed Sheeran is playing right now, my playlist is on shuffle. It reminds me of you. I think Ed Sheeran really wrote this song for us. I was listening Divide since last night and all the lyrics perfectly describes how I feel right now... how I feel for you.

Earlier, I heard a knock. Someone's knocking on my air-conditioner... I am silently hoping it's you but then it stopped and I heard cute little giggles, it was from the kids outside. I came back to sleep. I admit, since last night I am waiting for you to knock and ask for forgiveness but there was none. For the 3rd time, I guess my love, you are really giving up. Again, it is okay. 

I do not know if you're reading this but if you are... I want you to take care of yourself. Roam around the city and try to catch some air. Get wasted with your friends because I know they can make you happy, or catch up to the girl who celebrated her birthday 2 days ago because I see in the photos your smile... Your smile my love is so much better than when you were with me.

[yieldacalos]

11:53

I am so tired of making people choose. ‘Me or them?’, ‘Me or this?’, and the worse, ‘Me or her?’

This time, I wanna know how it feels like when people choose you. Or when the love of your life choose you over anything.  I wanna feel love with out no hesitations. I want someone to understand how broken and fragile I am inside and mend me, and fix me and love me without any fears. I wanna be with someone even if he thinks that I don't deserve him nor he doesn't deserve me, still he'll find ways and works things out.

Is this too much to ask? I know there's beauty in pain but I am weak, physically, emotionally and mentally...

12:09 AM

[yieldacalos]

It’s the little things that leaves a greater mark on someone’s life; the hugs at the most random moments, the stolen kisses, the late night drunken phone calls, the uncommon habit, the unplanned dates, and more. Because they’re the one that aren’t influenced by society’s silly expectations.

(d.r.n)

[yieldacalos]

An open letter to his future girl.

No one likes being replaced but I've accepted the sad truth that I am just a distant memory now. So hi, maybe you are reading this or maybe you are not. First, I wanna say that you are beyond blessed to have him in your life. He's a sweet guy. He's playful and an outgoing smart person. If I could only turn back time, I will do everything to make him stay but unfortunately, he thinks that I don't deserve someone like him which equals to he doesn't want to be with me. Anyway, I don't have grudges with you, I just want to say some few things to you.

He likes to watch series. Prison Break for example. Watch it with him, try to love the series. Try to be with him while he watch the show and look at him in the midst of the show and watch how serious his eyes, how his lips move... watch the 8th wonder in the world.

He loves seafood, shrimp for example. Do your best to learn how to cook his favorite shrimp. It's a heaven for him. Serve it with a cold coca cola too! And watch how fast he dig in. You'll get to hear his loud burp but trust me, it's like a music into our ears.

He's a true baller, he loves Golden State Warriors. If his favorite team is playing, do not disturb him. Give him time to enjoy himself watching his favorite team. Be always on his side, cheer for his team.

He hates math. Encourage him to study or study with him. Help him to understand things on math, be patient because he will bombared you with tons of questions... you're still blessed tho. That means he is comfortable with you. He is clingy. He loves to be touched and he is sweet. Don't be too annoyed... Honestly, I am jelous because he used to cling to me and now... he's into you. Listen to his rants. No matter what happen, always listen to him. Don't do the same mistake, listen to him. Give him time to explain everything.

Be friends with his friends. He likes it if you are not shy to talk to his friends. Com'on girl, do it. It's for his sake.

Do not force him to watch your favorite shows. He'll get bored, swear. Or if he watch it with you then girl, he really loves you because he didn't do it to me.

He's often bored so make him happy. Talk to him. Ask him about random things, ask him about his plans in life, ask him and talk to him about anything

and lastly, make him feel your love because he deserves it. Make him feel how you love him. Call him baby, call him love, do not decide for him and always support him

Please do the things that I listed above. If you do, then I will disappear forever because at least now, I know, that he is in good hands. You are extremely lucky to have the most incredible guy by your side. We had a bitter ending but that doesn't give me the right to hate you or your blossoming relationship. In fact, I am pleased that you found each other. I only have one request. Please, and I don't say this lightly, please love him with all your heart.

[yieldacalos]

Day 1

Hey love, it's day 1 of not talking to each other after what happened last night... after we broke up. If you're wondering how am I catching up with life, well I am doing fine. I went out alone and drank a glass of my favorite milk tea -- taro. I stayed there for almost 3 hours, I read the Bible and did my devotional for Day 5 and 6 and went somewhere to buy pens, went home, went out to attend our neighbor's birthday bash and now, it's 10:03 PM and I am blogging while listening to Perfect by Ed Sheeran.

About yesterday... I was angry, jealous, everything negative. I tried to calm myself and I even told myself to handle things maturely but no matter how hard I try to be mature and to understand you, I can't accept the fact that you are going to your ex lover's birthday bash. You'll get to see her, talk to her, take pictures with her... and I do not want that. Call me selfish, I just don't want it. I was stupid and letting my insecurities control me so I made you choose. Me or her? I was to dumb because I know that it'll be her but I still took as risk and silently wishing that it'll be me, you'll answer me with "You, it's always you. I am not coming." but no, you did not. You said I was taking advantage and comparing... Honey, you are not answering me.

You said you chose me first but then you ended up choosing her. And then I realize, if you really love me, there would be no options right?

Anyways, I slept around 4 AM earlier, and I woke up around 1 PM. I cried last night, I even asked God why did you do that, why I am complicated, why did you chose to be with her, to attend... Even if you will write your explanations on a cartolina paper, it would not change the fact that you still chose to be on that stupid party. 

It's the first day of being officially single, I already deleted our photos in my gallery, unfollowed your social media accounts, blocked you on messenger. I  need this. I need to be away from you, I need to fix myself, I need to move on.

Right now, Save Myself by Ed Sheeran is playing, it's on my playlist and it's on autoplay. Nothing, just wanna inform you. Also, I am crying... again. I miss you already, the memories that we made keep on playing in my head, all the plans that we made, all the struggles we faced... it's still fresh... even the very first day I saw you with your blue sponge bob bag back, it's still fresh. My keyboards are wet in tears, baby... my heart is slowly dying.

Since this is the end, I want to tell you how grateful I am because you came into my life. You are my first love, you are my first in almost everything, we have first times together... I did not regret meeting you and letting you enter in my life... but at some point, I still wanna unmet you not for my benefit but for you, if we didn't meet, maybe your 10 months with me will be with someone so much better than me. But do not worry, God has a reason and He has plans for you... and for me.

Thank you for the 10 months, love. It was indeed one of the best moments that I am going to bury in my heart. I am forever grateful and will always be because I had the privilege to meet someone as awesome as you, and I get to experience a roller coaster ride with you.

I love you, Yiel.

10:28 PM

[yieldacalos]

A toxic relationship does not only revolve around manipulative acts and sexual assaults, it also includes being called ‘over reacting’ when you are complaining about being mistreated and being forced to let offensive circumstances slip because 'you are just on your period.’