yiiboner

[yiiboner]

Franz Kafka, from a letter featured in Letters To Friends, Family and Editors

[yiiboner]

I don't even know what's wrong with me. I can name what I feel, constantly emotionally drained, frequent bad thoughts, just exhaustion and unwillingness to do even the smallest of tasks but I don't really and actually know what's wrong with me. I can guess, I can read online, I can spiral, but I'll truly never know. I'll never be able to sit in a room with a professional who can help me figure it out. Because getting help isn't even an option, not from where I'm from and not from how I was raised anyway.

Anything that has to do with mental dilemma is considered and labelled "crazy" and "insane" in my culture/family. There's no room for compassion or understanding unless it's a physical, visible fucking wound. It's all just shame, denial and shame. Maybe it'd be easier if what I'm feeling just had a name to it. If I could point at it and say "this is what's wrong with me" or "this is what's been happening" and not be mocked, dismissed and ridiculed for it. But it doesn't have a name. I'm not allowed to give it one. No diagnosis, no understanding, no proper healing, I'm just supposed to figure it all out by myself. I fucking hate this.

I know I feel like shit, I know I'm fucking hurting. But I don't know what I'm hurting from. And I'm not allowed to find out, nor am I allowed to get help. So what the fuck do I do with all this baggage and pain I don't understand???

If you're struggling, you're crazy, if you want help, you're weak, if you say anything out loud, you're an embarrassment. So naturally you learn to hold yourself. And I've been holding myself for a long while now. I've been holding myself up as far back as my memory allows me, actually, but then I'd have to go on another rambling about independence. The point is, I wish things were different. I wish I could name what I've been feeling without guilt. I wish help didn't come wrapped in shame.

But wishing doesn't change anything. And I continue to stay stuck in this limbo till god knows when. I don't even know how long I'll be able to hold out till then

[yiiboner]

Fuck I just hate everything rn EVERYONES SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSSLSOSOSOSOSOS MISERABLE I CSNT TELL ANYONEOEUEIEIEIE

[yiiboner]

nothing hurts more than seeing myself again in the same situation after getting better for a while

[yiiboner]

I'm soooooooooooooo sick of it all

[yiiboner]

Agh fuck I can't do this anymore

[yiiboner]

I'm stressed man

[yiiboner]

i hate not feeling useful and i hate not being able to help but also everything is just too much right now so im stuck in this stupid limbo where moving feels impossible and staying still feels unbearable, and its like no matter what i do, it doesnt fucking matter, like i could get up or stay down and it would all feel the same. and i keep telling myself just hold on, just one more day, just one more hour, just one more whatever but its getting harder to find reasons for the "one more"

i used to love things. i used to love singing or writing or talking to people or even just sitting outside when the sun was soft and the breeze felt nice, but now it's like none of it touches me. like i go do those things and theyre just blank. flat. empty. and eating food that tastes like paper. I can't write. I can't concentrate. being in social circles is too much. theres just no fucking joy. i keep going back to the things that used to light me up and waiting for them to spark again but they dont. they just don't and im sick of waiting around for it to come back

i keep telling myself, okay, okay, its fine, youre just tired, you're just overwhelmed but irs been days or weeks, or maybe longer?? idek anymore. Im not keeping track. keeping track would make it too real. i don't want to accept im feeling so shitty. nothing feels good. not a single thing. not music, not writing, not laughing, not cooking, not talking to people. Im so tired of pretending im still in it when I'm not but i also don't know how to ask for help and fuckfkskkaksks this is stupid

all i know is i want to disappear. i don't even care how anymore. like i already feel useless, i already feel like I'm failing. and then i feel guilty for even thinking that. because so many people are depending on me. so many people have expectations of me. and it's also all so burdensome. and i know i’m supposed to want to fight my way back but sometimes it just feels so exhausting, like hope is too heavy to carry and the smallest good things feel like theyre wrapped in barbed wire and touching them just hurts more. i keep wondering what it would feel like to just stop. like really fully stop. what it would feel like to let go of all this weight i’m dragging around and just stop fighting it and stop holding it up. and then no one would have to carry my weight anymore. not even me

but the guilt just loops back into the exhaustion, and i don't know where it fucking ends or if it ever even ends, and i dont even know what i’m waiting for anymore and man i just want her idk i just want my girlfriend ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

[yiiboner]

Whatever

I already have enough on my fuckin plate 💀

[yiiboner]

I already have enough on my fuckin plate 💀

[yiiboner]

Jesus Christ I physically can't handle anybody's uhh ig negative emotions rn. I feel so jittery and weird and guilty for not being there though like ijasudisuausud fuck I feel so bad you shouldn't have to be going through any of this 😭🙏🙏🙏🙏

[yiiboner]

I ❤️ ISOLATING MYSELF

46893736525263 RELATIONSHIPS RUINED

[yiiboner]

Im actually terrified of her finding this blog but i need an outlet so 💀

[yiiboner]

honestly, im overwhelmed w/ life all together right now, but im trying my very best.

[yiiboner]

I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain to myself.

[yiiboner]

Emily Dickinson, from her poem titled "1188," featured in The Emergency Poet

[yiiboner]

Louise Glück, from “Timor Mortis”, Poems 1962 - 2012