yinyang246

[yinyang246]

9/1/15

I’m surprised my account still exists. I thought I deleted it. A friend suggested that I write down my feelings (well type them in this case) in an effort to make me feel a little better. Some parts may seem a little silly, but it’ll just be an attempt for me to make this story seem a little lighter (for me at least).

I suppose that I’ve been going through a bit of a rough transition from high school to college. This problem mainly came about through lots of miscommunication between me and this girl towards the tail end of the summer. Now that I think back on it, a lot of this story gets complicated because of the people involved, but I’ll try to keep it mainly between myself and this other girl... For the sake of the story I’ll refer to her as K. It starts in 11th grade (I’m sure I had posts about it way back when). To make a semi-long story short, we dated and broke up during the summer because we didn’t seem compatible in a relationship. Following this, I just chase another girl to no avail... I’ll refer to her as S.  12th grade rolls around and I’m mad at S because I feel she led me on. I awkwardly see K around, but over time we start to talk to each other again and open up. It gets to the point where we’re really close friends, better than before we attempted dating in 11th. We both attempt to go after other people and tell each other about how it’s going, but neither works out for us. As this is all going on I’m being a bit distant from S because I’m still a little pissed off about what she did before. I decide to ask K to prom because we seem close, thought I’m not certain about what she feels towards me (I was fairly certain she’d say yes though). She did say yes and that was all good and great. As I’m getting closer to K again, S starts to get mad at me, thinking that we had something special. I get all confused because S hadn’t been clear to me at all during this time. I drift away from S and our friendship just seems to go downhill and stall at a point where we’re not really super close, but we’re still sort of friends. Anywas, Music in the Parks comes around and I get very close to K again (I sneak into her room at around 2am), basically like we were dating again (mostly my fault for advancing so much on her). Following that we get really close again and it just starts to seem like we have some sort of casual “relationship” going, but neither of us really knows how to define it. The real problems begin once summer has almost ended. Lots of parties happen because it’s the last high school year and everyone wants to have fun with each other before we all go our seperate paths. At one of these parties I take the casual nature of the “relationship” I have with K and I hook up with another girl at a party while drunk. Not sure of how K will respond, I never say anything. At another party a junior “throws herself” at me while we’re both really drunk (as explained by someone that was watching the events unfold). I do the stupid thing and hook up with her, but everyone at the party sees and then K finds out while she’s on vacation with her family. She gets really mad at me because she thought our relationship meant more. I try to explain I had no idea that the relationship meant so much to her. The thing is while we were starting this “casual relationship” we both agreed not to get too attached to each other. As it progresses, she suggests we consider ourselves a “summer fling”. The only problem with this is that she didn’t exactly know the definition of summer fling while I did, so I take it as it is and my actions represent how I took the whole “summer fling” thing. To be honest, I really should have known that it wasn’t a good thing to do, yet I did it anyways... As much as I’d love to blame it on the alcohol.  Anyways, as I see she cares so much I get upset and begin to care about it myself. I realize how close we’d gotten and I didn’t want to lose it. However, she decides not to talk to me for a week and proceeds to bash me to most of her friends. In the meantime I spend the week in Florida with my family to try and not think about it, but it always nags at the back of my mind. She told me she’d talk to me on Wednesday of that week, but Wednesday passes and then a few more days pass. I get worried that it’s all unsalvageable and that I’ve fucked it up way beyond repair. I get really upset about it and it makes the rest of my vacation shitty for me. When I come back home, we finally go out to talk about it for real and I realize how much she cares and it makes me unbearably upset. I never wanted it to end like this, but I tell her if I hurt her this much that she should remove me from her life. Things seem so bad and I go back home depressed once she leaves.  The next night I hold a party of my own in my basement. K comes because she wants to see the other people that are invited. I feel awkward having her in my house while we’re not talking at all, but we both loosen up with some drinks and make everything better. The few days after that night go very smoothly and we seem to be at least close to back to where we used to be. Unfortunately, I don’t realize that she no longer feels at all attached to me and I attach myself to her. Everything just seemed so happy to me, but I suppose I wasn’t paying close enough attention to her attitude, since it was sorta of as just a close friend, but not exactly as an attached relationship. The day I leave for college I call her over because I feel that I’m going to miss her a lot. I’m breaking down a little bit and tears are shed on both sides while we just sit on the couch together as the time draws closer for me to leave. We have a final happy sort of goodbye, but she doesn’t seem very concerned, while I feel very uneasy about everything. Her carefree attitude hinted to me that she had no attachment to me, but I had dismissed it just because I felt that the attachment might’ve come back once we had made things up. As I get to college, I realize that we grow a little distant as she’s having a blast at her college and I’m having a difficult time doing anything. her orientation week is filled with parties and I try to tell her that I miss her a lot, but she just doesn’t seem to be there anymore. I start to lose control of my emotions and I end up breaking down a couple times because of how I feel. As I confront her about it, we try and video chat in attempt to make me feel better and I mask my feelings at that point so I seem like I’ve just blown it all off (like I should’ve). One morning I wake up to see her snapchat story taken with another guy and some drunk messages from her. I put it together and ask her if she’s been hooking up with other guys and she admits that she has been. Fortunately for me, I had sort of calmed down a little bit so I wasn’t horribly pissed off or anything, though I felt like she was acting in a very inconsiderate fashion. I had cleared expressed to her before that I had still cared, but she had not taken any of it into account and she had made out with two random guys at seperate parties without my knowledge until that point. I sort of blow it off because I just miss her and I don’t care about the random guys.  At one point we’re both really drunk and we videochat each other and she tells me all of this stuff that I want to hear about how she still loves me and how she’d love to be with me and all. I feel really happy, but in the morning we discuss it while sober and she tells me she doesn’t actually want to continue any of it. She explains how now she only sees me as a close friend. This, of course, upsets me a lot and I break a little bit because of it, tearing up over the video call. She tells me we shouldn’t video call anymore and I agree. She hangs up and I just sit around thinking about it. I calm down quickly and just try and continue to act normally. The real pain comes from the dreams I have about her. In my dreams we go back to how things used to be and as I wake up each time I cry a little bit because I miss it so much. One morning I break down emotionally and sob into my pillow. No one seems to be around to help me, but luckily I have a few that can and the advice I received was to end communication with her. I tried to continue talking with her and just keep it as friends, but my friends know that I’ll never deattach myself if I continue being in contact with her. I agree that it’s time to let her go and confront her about it. It’s been 2 days since then and I haven’t said a word to her. It’s been a very depressing two days for me, but I’ve managed to get through them with some distractions from random social events and a lot of studying. This morning was the first morning I didn’t wake up sobbing and wanting to kill myself, so I suppose I’m making progress. It doesn’t make sense that I was so attached to her, but I guess I’m just a really emotional guy or something of that sort.  It’s only been two days. I still have a long way to go.  On the more negative side, this has been preventing me from engaging very socially with others and I’ve just been sulking on my own in my dorm reading textbooks and doing work. Once I let her go, everything just seemed so much duller and less interesting to me.  I managed to get to the point where I’m sort of angry at her. In the hook up with those two random guys, I just don’t understand why she thinks she can just trample over my feelings like that, especially after I told her how I felt. It’s just so low of her, but I suppose I deserve it for doing something similar to her before. However, I made it clear to her how I felt, while she had not made it clear to me (this doesn’t really mean much though). As of right now she doesn’t seem concerned with how I’m doing, but that doesn’t matter anymore. She showed how much concern she had when she hooked up with those two random guys. I just wish things didn’t have to be this way. One of these days I’ll go back to talking with her, but it’s never going to be the same... and that part always kills me. 

[yinyang246]

1/1/15

Enough complaining...I have no reason to.  I've been a very lucky person so I really shouldn't complain. This year can be a turn around. Never lose hope, never stop trying.  Go 2015 :)

[yinyang246]

12/25/14

There's a lacking of Christmas spirit. I guess I'm just getting old. Sorta sad how much I've changed... Christmas should be a more joyful time. The world doesn't care that I care. The people "closest" to me don't care either. How great.

[yinyang246]

11/30/14

I guess it just hit me again, but life around here is gonna end pretty soon. I mean the life that I once knew...being surrounded by the same people. We're soon going to be parting and starting to fan out into different places and it's gonna be weird and I don't know. Do I care? Sort of. I sometimes feel like I care suddenly and then other times I don't. I should just do whatever it is I want to do and then forget about most of the people here. It'll be ok...I'm just going insane. Now that I have a thing for this girl her name is appearing everywhere. 343 is the number that's been everywhere for me. It's ridiculous. Thanksgiving was nice... Black Friday is stupid...Good break.

[yinyang246]

11/16/14

Why is this happening now? Is this really happening right now? Absolutely ridiculous. Same problems bothering me again, but I already complain too much about them. Maybe nothing is real. Wouldn't that be nice? Everything is stupid and pointless...Should I pick everyone apart now or later? I'm tired of dealing with people's bullshit.

[yinyang246]

I love being ignored just as much as the next person...

Yeah, special thanks to everyone who has been fucking ignoring me. 

I'm tired of people and I wonder why I even bother sometimes.

I'm after another girl now. I see it as a cycle for me now. Maybe if it worked out it'd be different... there's nothing certain.

I hate the people that only talk to me when they need something from me. Luckily I'm not completely retarded, and I bullshit answers for them now so fuck you.

The world is watching everything I do, everyone knows what I'm doing and what I've done. It's insane.

Sooner or later I'm going to lose it.

Look at me now. Are you proud of what I've become?

I know I'm to blame though.

[yinyang246]

10/23/14

I'm just going crazy.  Things get crazier every day. Did I expect anything from anyone? I knew I was alone the whole time.  I can do a billion things for the people around me and never get anything in return, but it's ok. I don't need people to help me.  I can fix my own problems

[yinyang246]

Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer, and then you'll notice you've got their strict attention.

Se7en

[yinyang246]

Listen to people like they're dying because sometimes they just might be.

[yinyang246]

9/25/14

I just find it strange how everyone changes so quickly.

[yinyang246]

9/11/14

I don't really use this blog anymore. To sum things up, summer ended, I finished my summer assignments in the last week before it ended. I also had my wisdom teeth pulled and it sucked. I'm still bleeding sometimes like the bleeding just doesn't go away and food gets stuck in the place where they used to be which is a pain, but it comes out eventually. I finally went to someone for my hamstring problems. Chiropractor is helping me out a lot and my leg should be better in a month. I've apparently had pretty flat feet which caused many of my problems and also keeps me from running to the best of my ability. I feel like I can run so much faster now that my muscles are actually gonna work. I'm getting orthodics to help that problem. I got off of creatine because of the acne problem. I was on creatine for around maybe a month total? I didn't realy keep track but I don't care. I won a round of the game Assassins, but that achievement is not really a achievement of any recognition. Physical therapy for my leg is going well too. The place gave me a free electric like shocker therapy thing that feels really funny since it makes my muscles twitch, but it loosens the muscle and helps it recover faster. I'm thinking that this track season should be really good for me. So far school has been good to me, I've not really had any major problems with the classes yet and I haven't fallen asleep in any classes yet, although sometimes the tech classes are boring when the teacher is trying to like show powerpoints instead of letting us do actual hands-on work. Yeah things have been pretty good for me.

[yinyang246]

9/4/14

All I have are fake fucking friends. Honestly I'm so easily irritated and annoyed it's just ridiculous. Shut up. I don't care about your problems because all you talk about is yourself like please shut the fuck up. I'm there to listen to your problems seriously so why aren't you there for me? I can see you just don't take my problems seriously and for that you can fuck yourself. Yeah I have my issues and problems so fucking what? 

I'm just mad, not everyone is fake I think. I'm in a perpetually bad mood all the time. Only been three fucking days of school and I'm already sick of everyone.

[yinyang246]

8/25/14

I know i deserve everything bad that is happening to me

I need to be a better person

[yinyang246]

8/14/14

Still doing nothing. The shmoop of Jane Eyre is slow because I get distracted easily and also don't really give a shit about the book. I don't want to read anymore...I'm a senior now. I know it's no real excuse but I mean I just don't want to read. So lazy. I also did the ice water bucket challenge. Yeah that was a waste of time I guess, but it was pretty entertaining too. I think I've finally lost interest in the Supernatural series. I'm on season 6 and I don't really know where it's going. I mean the episodes are still pretty funny and stuff but I'm not really sure if I'm as intrigued with the plot. I might start Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood now. Yeah that's really all that's going on. In addition to this I'm really starting to get annoyed with people. Everyone's just fucking annoying to me now. It's my problem I know...it's just me. I just really don't like people at all. Why do I even bother? I'm not gonna know many people in a year right? Everyone's just gonna forget people. I'm gonna forget people too. Not gonna see them for a while probably. So if I leave on a bad note I doubt it'll really matter. My family might even move depending on what college I go to. I might be leaving NY if I go to an out of state college...haha. I'm not really gonna be missed though. People don't even like me here. I need a fresh start anyways. So if I do end up leaving here...it was fun I guess. Parts of it were fun anyways. I'm just not in a good mood. None of what I just said is true. Except I'm lying...parts of it are true. Ugh

[yinyang246]

8/13/14

Robin Williams and Why Funny People Kill Themselves. Quite a depressimg article about suicides and funny people. I'm most saddened by Chris Farley's death.. I mean his last words were "Don't leave me" and he died alone. It's just so sad. I can't. Class clowns ending up killing themselves... It's just sad and I believe someone who went to the same school district as me had done something similar. He was apparently a funny guy and he killed himself. It's really just upsetting to see and hear about these things. 

as for me well im just eh

also i hate myself

[yinyang246]

You have insulted people by contributing it in some way to their face and have insulted people behind their back (often times leading to them finding out, including myself). Wouldn't you expect this to be a partial explanation as to why some people may dislike you?

Yup I'm not surprised that people dislike me. But you know what it doesn't really matter to me anymore. Sorry if I hurt your feelings. But apologies don't really mean much haha. 

[yinyang246]

8/9/14

Yeah I ended it today. It didn't work out so we decided it was best to just end it. The thought had been bothering me for a while and I'm relieved that I don't have to think about it anymore. Just another high school relationship right? Besides that we've been working on the room more. The room where raccoons sorta messed it up in the ceiling and now we're re-doing the entire room. Yeah not much can be said about anything. It's over. I was shown fake sympathy from 2 people. The friend that usually ignores me pretended to be interested for a few messages before going back to ignoring me. Not a particularly fun day.