yirbeg

[yirbeg]

04.02.2025

akh! being an empath sucks.

to be fair, i don't know if i'm being an empath or just really biased. k's basketball team are going to guam but he's not included :(

i just want to manifest all the good things for him. and, i really will. make us proud, k! i'll pray and you play.

here's to your next basketball game in AU!

[yirbeg]

someone missed me, and it shows.

[yirbeg]

03.26.2025

i may have unlocked the secret: detachment really is key.

just when i thought things were over, things became better. that february 14 hvd text i sent did wonders. the day after, we all know i was crying hard because i didn't get a text back. but then, he replied to me on the 16th, explaining that he was busy and all that. i guess he's too late that time though, because i was too determined to move on after crying hard and rearranging my life like the capricorn that i am.

yes, i won't deny that his texts still makes me happy when i received it on the 16th and onwards, but i was also detached and i didn't mind anymore if i get a text back or not. in my mind, i knew that our story wasn't over but i should also not focus too much on him. i was thee goat. i was pretty enough to pull better (but we all know i was too down bad for him to even try other guys, so nah!).

anyway, he still replied like shit. ya know him. his every other day replies, or replying two days after, replying a week after, and all that. even if i knew he was busy and life was not doing him good those few weeks like he said so, i still can't bring myself to keep on texting him like nothing happend. add to it that i literally ranked up in ml and he ended up not asking me to play! i hate playing alone but i did all that so we could play together.

can't believe i got tired of that bs and just straight up didn't reply for two weeks. but i knew i can't really cut off everything (was doing so slowly) about him at once so i still replied after my two-week break from him just to tell him i'll be busy because of exams.

for context, march came and he chatted me after a week of no replies to ask me if i knew the netflix series zero day. i nonchalantly answered no, what's that? ("hindiii ano yan?" verbatim). after that, he explained what it was. i didn't reply for two weeks because seriously, what should i even reply to him telling me that it was his favorite series, out of the blue, after all that bs? i was still tampo that time to be honest.

two weeks after week after, i told him i'll watch it after my exams and he should watch batang quiapo, haha! i was even jolly while chatting that because i ghosted him for weeks and i tried to lighten up the mood (my mood, per se). in my defense, i really thought he didn't care if i ghosted him since i was swallowed with the thoughts that he was just entertaning me because i was constantly annoying him. those kinds of negative thoughts fueled when he hit me back with a nonchalant reply saying "maganda talaga yan," "cardo ba yan?" (non-verbatim, ladies and non-binaries! [no gents cuz we dont like em 'ere]). that's the reason why i didn't reply again for a week.

i was really pushing myself to still reply to him even if he replied with zero enthusiasm. but i really can't. a thought even passed through my mind that maybe i'll reply to him only if he double chatted me (which at that time, i thought was impossible given his personality).

wednesday, last day of my exams, i told myself i'd reply on thursday. thursday came, i said on friday. friday! finally came and he posted a mirrorfie. in a gym. in his jersey. with his biceps flexed. how can i even reply to him?! so i just replied with a "yun oh!!!" so that he knows im still here, hehe. but at the same time, i didn't want to chat him pa.

(guess what? my boy bsf's teasing or subtly hinting me to give it up since it doesn't matter if he posts in his locket, an app that i made him download. my not-so-supportive friend said he's probably made other girls download it! though i know he's too much of a shy type to even do that. but yes, that last cold chat really made me hesitate that maybe, he really did made someone else download it.)

AND! guess what darlings! he posted another locket on saturday. he rarely does that! locket is a weekly kinda thing for him. but yes. guess another what. he double chatted me. the jka finally did that! he started a convo that i could actually reply to! well, to be fair, my marupok self would've replied to him on monday. :p

the thing is: it's not really just about him double-chatting. it's actually him bringing back that 10-minute interval reply. he's not playing that hard-to-get shit anymore! and his replies are kinda good now, the type i don't have to think for whole ass hours. and he even replied some funny comments on my locket. to be honest, i was impressed.

anyone who knows him would know that THIS IS A BIG DEAL. the ever-so nonchalant, suplado, shy, and quiet guy is finally coming out of his shell.

hoping to stay detached though, he's still a guy, so you'll never know.

though one thing's for sure: this is end game.

[yirbeg]

02.15.2025

i be doing that healing thing all-year round. i feel like i need to logout my spotify too :'( that's how bad it is. i don't know if i can lock in with my studies this fast just after getting silently rejected. things aren't going well right now.

maybe i'll just think of it as, next week i will be fine again.

[yirbeg]

02.15.2025

wow! is this account being a backburner? i only open this account to rant!

mantra was that i am a "no regrets" type of person. but i guess now i'm facing the consequences of my actions aka playing games. i should have been more straightforward and myself from the start. now i lost k. might take me a while to move on. more whileee than from r. i want to block him from ig so bad, that's how hard this hit close to my heart.

i hope atleast he rejected me for being such a push and pull girlie! really so sad right now. to be honest, i don't even know how to react anymore. things were so good just last week and last last week, how he even double-chatted after i double-chatted! insane... but i got to really mess things up and not reply for a whole ass day.

why am i like this? i fear that i can't move on from this because there's not a single bad thing that made us fall down. it was really just from the lack of attention :( i want to cry so bad but tears aren't even falling down.

and the worst part is i'm not only regretting. it's regrets and embarrassment because of my constant chasing.

imy, kyle! if only we've seen each other atleast once, it would've been easier for me to close this chapter.

[yirbeg]

01.26.2025

it's so funny how you could miss two different people so much (and hating on the other).

quick rant: oh my god! my blood really boils when i see a. he's just this epitome of papogi guy because he knows he's "pogi" (if he really is, lol!). he wasn't even good-looking up close. not sure if it's because i lowkey haven't fully moved on yet from my ideal type aka r or if he really is ugly. anyway, i think that's what destroyed us—he wasn't all that up close.

[yirbeg]

01.25.2025

i say, we trust the process!

this jka-powered brain would really not stop thinking about him. something about me knows na it's not the end unless i am the one who gives up!

also cannot physically give up because of the fact that i am not one bit embarrassed about this. no one knows me from his side, and if ever someone does, i'll just be a passing name because who really cares, right?

one thing about me: i could not give up what i have started and what i know i could get. unless you make me cry, there's really nothing that could ever make me stop chasing for my dreams. should i make a pact with God that i'd only ever stop if he does something that will make me cry? i should.

Lord, can you give me this kyle please! you gave me all my kyla's so i bet you'd give me him too. one chance and i'll make it worth it. let me take care of your little hooman.

also, let's not forget about this manifestation boost citrine crystal i bought. i'm really holding on to everything for this one. i'm giving it my all!

[yirbeg]

01.22.2025

having that urge to just want to talk to someone and let them know the hurt they've made me go through. kinda sad how the people who used to be a part of my life didn't know how much they've wronged me. they didn't even hurt me in new ways—it's just like they sliced open the scar that has been healed. they're making me relive the memories i've long forgotten the feeling of. i don't not wish them well nor do i wish them well. i just want them to know the pain i had to re-endure.

figure a. literally A. and let's not forget about figure R, aka my young adult year's worst nightmare. they would probably deny it, but i'm certain that a piece of me would always stay with them. the piece that made them realize that inflicting pain to someone you claim to be important to you will definitely win you an argument; but, will make you feel worse as you realize how truly evil you are.

i just realized how bothered i am to hear both their names. i feel so wronged. i want them to be the people who get the other end of my wrath—instead, it's the air inside my bedroom walls and it suffocates me. i just can't come terms with the fact that people could be so cruel. i could never do nor wish to someone else even a fourth of what i've been through.

gratitude wall: thankful for scars that has been cut open once again. it's ugly to look at (the memories it left behind, specifically) but it gave me tougher skin. taller walls to protect the part of me that was once wounded.