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[yodiaryshitblows]

#16 The Last(?) One (Here Anyways)

Thursday July 15, 2022 Hello for the last(?)/first time future mes! Confusing opening I know but if you’ll remember, we made a discord for all of this, many months after the last post! The new place is nice, we’ve got a fuckton of channels for all manner of thoughts and vents, very organized overall really! Unfortunately with that split focus means a lack of, real drive to make an *actual* post/entry, so 3: But! I have been, revitalized? I guess! Weekly updates! Minimum !! In a new, proper channel!!! Which, unfortunately means a discontinuation of this blog, but maybe not? The main reason for starting the discord was a lack of need to add a date/time due to it being an autofuction but upon further reflection, I still like the format! Plus I think the nature of this is pretty nice, so, maybe infrequent update dumps to here? We’ll see, time will tell. But updates! That’s what we’re here for! And an apology to my future self for not updating more frequently. That and the evergreen statement of I like having a little time capsule of my mental space at the time of writing! It’s fun looking back every few months tbh. UPDATES! FINALLY!!! I am writing this with sprained wrists due to too much monhun (and unemployment). Also I’m unemployed! Quit the pillow perfect job (again) to pursue landscaping with my dad (and my friend joey) but joey got fired 2 weeks in roughly, so i was stuck with just my dad and a rotating cast of hispanic people who are, bad at this easy job! For a whole year! It sucked!!! But, with the addition of carlos (half brother we paid a collective 16k to hop the fence) I was emotionally free to quit! And so here i sit, unemployed with 2 sprained(?) wrists. Avoiding employment. Also, I have a therapist now! NOT the experience I expected but, in many ways exactly what I expected. Paying somebody, to tell me that I need to leave the house more. And get a job. Also, officially depressed! WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! YEAAAA BABEY THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITIN FOR, THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!!! Freeing, in a way. To be proven right. Anyways, there’s so much more but my wrist is KILLING me and the other is fit to join in soon. So for now, farewell, yodiaryshitblows. I’ll visit you and be nostalgic over little egg me all over again some day. Maybe soon! And hello! New discord channel. Home to, well all of these now. And a final hello/goodbye to you, future me. We have our ups and downs but, ultimately, in the end. I love you. I WANT to love you. I know I will eventually. You’re kind, funny, maybe even kinda funny. No matter what, ‘til deletion do us part, these posts are with you. They’ll always be a part of you, hidden away in a corner of your mind. I hope, you remember me fondly, me of the future. The way I’ve done with my past selves, so far at least. I’ll wax poetic about myself more in the future, eventually. For now though, (after some spellcheck [and a date adding update!! dummy!!] ;P), I love you, and bye!

[yodiaryshitblows]

#15 Updates

Saturday May 24, 2020

Hi future mes and others! It’s been over a year since the last update! That’s great! Honestly we’re on the pace I thought I’d be so, not too bad! As the title implies, I have a lot of updates! But first an acknowledgment. This comes on the heels of me reading past entries and I was in, a pretty weird space last year! Not that I’m doing MUCH better now but like, yike y’know? I kid, it’s kinda nice having a little memory nugget of where I was at during different points in time, even if it is a little sad sometimes.

But updates! First off, I don’t remember when but it was this year! That I told everyone I identify as nonbinary! Also, that! It’s um, a little bit of a fib. Just slightly. I wanted to make an official statement of not being cis while not wanting to 100% come out as trans to my brother, who is, trans. Stupid! I know! But, it just felt, a little weird y’know? But! In any case, everyone I told took it really well! It took a little while, and I’m not sure if my one prompting made them sit up and acknowledge it a little more but, everyone’s respecting my pronouns! And it’s nice, knowing that the people in my life are supporting me in this weird transitional phase in my life. I’m not sure if or when I’ll tell them the “truth” because this kind of, is my truth now? The point was to get away from the “male” label and they/them isn’t exactly she/her but, I’ll get there! At some point. She/they is also good! Other update, new name! I haven’t trotted it out and I’m not 100% committed to it but, it’s June now. I wanted to kinda, ground myself a little more. Same first letter, same length as the original, same amount of consonants, and most importantly, it’s not my brother’s dead name! Though it’s, admittedly close. But, I like it. Ava/Avalon will always be an important name in my heart and I’m NOT settling! But, realistically June works better. I might still change it at some point but for now, June! If anybody out there (who am I kidding this is never gonna make it big in any way) has any similar names hmu!

Anyways, that’s kinda, it for now. If this blog never gets updated again, I’ll be happy having this kinda, positive update to look back on at some point. Love y’all and I hope next time you see this you’re in a good place!

Ninja edit: my second post ever got deleted >:O Gonna start backing these up just in case!

[yodiaryshitblows]

#14 After the Storm

Friday April 12, 2019

It's been a few days since the last one and I'm, fine.

On a different topic, I am not a particularly complex individual. I'm not super deep like 90% of the time. I'm not one of those umu sadbois who is just, that's my she shtick.

I'm just me. An ever-changing collection of quickly forgotten experiences that is allowed to exist for whatever reason. I am 100% to blame for the fact that I can't really remember any of my positive or negative experiences.

I'm fairly new at the whole knowing what's a thing that everyone experiences and what everyone else experiences thing. Like, I'm pretty sure most people have a better memory than me but I'm not sure to what extent. For example I know that not everyone has a perfect or even good recollection of their childhood but I'm certain that of prompted they could give me at least 5 different stories from when they were a kid. I think that most people only have a pretty okay recollection of the past 4 years but I'm fairly sure that they could tell you plenty of fun anecdotes from that time.

I've got like, nothing comparatively. I have, between 1 and 5 stories from my ENTIRE LIFE that I could bust out if prompted.

I have been told that I've helped a number of my friends through difficult times but I can really only remember two entire incidents SEVERAL years apart. I'm not being humble or uleven downplaying my role in their lives I am genuinely, completely unaware of almost any time that someone has come to me in their time of need and I have actively helped.

I don't really understand what my friends see in me at all really. I'm just, jokingly self aggrandizing a lot of the time. I'm not really funny or engaging either. I mostly just, know when to nod or restate what someone just said to give the appearance that I know exactly what they're talking about and the illusion that I've contributed to the conversation.

This shit app didn't save my edits!

In summary, again, I personally find myself very unattractive (and so do most people apparently) and I'm shitty but at least the very very very minimal efforts I'm making to improve myself are better than the nothing I was doing before.

Bai!!!!!

[yodiaryshitblows]

#13 The bad one

Sunday, April 7 2019

Just got slapped in the face with a reality check, doesn’t feel great!

I’m not a responsible person. Never was the type to make an effort, always just kinda coasted by. Did, a percentage of what I possibly could and was just alright with the results.

Always reactive and never proactive.

Never took charge and decided to do well, ANYTHING.

And now those habits are following m and, it’s not exactly good!

Not gonna lie the fact that my first reaction to any kind of resistance is to just give up disgusts me! I’m not doing anything right now! Anything at all!

I’m fucking despicable and I want to not exist anyore as a concept in anyone’smind.

Want just the results of my actions and for me to just have never been here at all! Cause if I was never here no  one would have to deal my mistakes and decisions! Everyone else is out there making efforts and shit and I’m! Not!

The dream is to find a way to just have my entire existence rendered null and void. That way even my own cat won’t miss me! He’d be real attached to someone else and live a much better life!

I’m not a good person. I’m not smart, responsible, and most if not all of my positive qualities are tempered by my shitty fucking attitude and way of treating myself. 

If I’m being honest with myself I’ve only got a few real tethers to this dumb mortal coil. I could count ‘em all on two hands. Any less and I would’ve ended it a WHILE ago.

The fact that I haven’t self destructed by now is a real testament to all the wasted effort those people have sunk into me. Cause honestly? I’m not real goin anywhere significant in life if I go anywhere at all.

No direction. No real bearing on where I should go or what I should do.

I’m typing most of these things cause I’m not in a good headspace right now. Or maybe I am and I just don’t really know how to handle it.

Either way, Lucky 13! One of the few bad ones.

If the people in my life cared just a little less I would probably be an alcoholic.

Bye.

[yodiaryshitblows]

#12 Batman Smells

Monday, March 11 2019

So it’s been about a month, not really. Once again y’know, apathy and shit.

On a personal level not much has real changed, honestly. Some stuff happened, that I’ll get into later but that’s! Not right now! But yeah personally still fundamentally the same. The exterior shifts to reflect the shallow surface of the interior but like, core-wise still very similar.

I met a cute girl a few hours ago which would be yesterday cause I’m writing at basically 1 am! Me and my friend Tymes (weird name I know) were at the movies watching Captain Marvel and after the movie we started talking to the chick who does ticket stubs and checks that people aren’t movie hoppin and sneaking in food and shit. She’s got like, dark eyes, purple hair, kinda like, chubby but in a way that personally I really fuckin like. She’s only about two weeks younger than me which is! Like damn! Serenfuckindipity babey!

Other than that though y’know she’s very um, interesting. Livin an eclectic life an all bein from New York originally. Only been here six years and apparently been working at the movie theater for most of it. She’s got a lot of interesting stories and I’m lookin at my shlubby lil self with my complete DEARTH of interesting talking points and it’s like. What do I do, y’know? So me and Tymes, who has been with us the whole time btw just didn’t really include him spend like her whole break with her. Got froyo and shit, she found 4 bucks which is cool. I just kinda, like her a lot y’know? It’s prolly cause I will literally fall in love with the first girl who looks remotely punk and will talk to me but. eh. Y’know?

I don’t even know if I LIKE her or nothin but, she’s interesting to talk to. And cute. So, i’m feelin somethin I’ll tell ya that much.

And she looks like one of best friend’s cousin, whom I kinda dated for a while several years ago. So. Yeah. Maybe I’ve got a type? Pshh nah.

Anyways. That was a good cap to the week. Shit week, might I add, cause I spent most mornings wanting to fuckin die. But, this kinda made it worth it. Plus she says she’ll let us sneak in to the movies free so. Fuck yeah.

Cya next time, whenever that might be, and thanks for takin a minute outta your day to read bits of my dumb garbage life. Bye!

[yodiaryshitblows]

#11 Laura has a crush on kevin

Saturday, February 9 2019

Hey gamers it's been a minute since the last update and that's because of apathy! sometimes you just stop caring and doing things and entropy just takes over for a while and that's fine.

But that's not what this entry is about. this entry is (maybe again?) about physical affection! love it!! love being held!! head pats? fuck yeah! if somebody pet my fucking head like a cat I would honestly probably be startled for a minute but then I'd just! melt! it's been for-FUCKING-ever since the last time I've sincerely been hugged and it's been much longer since anyone has run their hands through my hair and honestly it's real fuckin tragic y'all.

I just love love and being loved and all of my actions and interactions with people I care about point towards the opposite but! I'm trying now! at least I really want to, unlike before.

that's it thanks for coming to my TEDtalk love u 😘😘💞💞

[yodiaryshitblows]

#10 pickin up the pen

so, right now there’s two trans women who are really like, an inspiration for me. one is artistizzyrae and the other is bunnybennett (both of whom go by some form of isabelle, which is kinda funny). these are both successful people who are like, comfortable? being themselves and were public about their transition kinda, and it’s really cool how they’ve kinda shaped out as people. one of these days i hope i’m confident enough(?) to shuck off all the weird preconceived notions I think other people have of me so i can become the person I’ve always wanted to be. that single sentence sounds really strange, thinking it out loud all at the same time like that but it’s true, honestly. i know neither of you aren’t/haven’t been active on tumblr but if you happen to see this, then hi! i’m feelin irrationally self conscious at the thought of either of you reading this/my previous posts but i’m gonna hit post anyways and cut my planned hero worship way shorter than I was originally going to! hope everyone’s year’s been going great and that it only gets better!

[yodiaryshitblows]

number 9 wanna pull out my spine

January 13th 2019

So it’s one week later and like, what do i have going on in my life? one job, no gf, frens i haven’t seen in a damn MINUTE, other frens i just saw a few days ago (but not really). 

just got a text from mah boi, the one i haven’t seen in a bit. respondin while writin which kinda dates this too so, coo? he talkin to his ex rn which to me is like :sideeyesemoji: but like, whatevs. he wants to talk to that chick it’s his deal idrc. 

anyways, back to my dumb ass. that’s a thing i don’t really do? often. which is funny cause that’s ALL i wanna do most of the time. just drag the convo towards me. I always in the background have this lil need to like, ask about myself. how do u see me and all that u know?i wanna, know how the perception filters of everybody else shake me out in the eyes of the people around me so I can be like, cool, how do I streamline their perceptions into something that I wanna be recognized as. 

got another text from mah boi hol up. nvm he just tellin me will do in response to me tellin me to tell that ho waddup but like, more politely and less like i’m tryin to crib black stereotypical speech in order to seem more personable and relatable to an audience that doesn’t really exist because no one is reading these ‘cept me atm. t

hat was a long one huh? I’m like, mexican, btw. idk if that’s clear? on main or in here but like, latinx babeyyyy! that’s a thing i’m tryin to do now too. add more exclamation points so that the general feel? of my message gets through instead of just like, blandish. that’s kinda how i always was back when i was more active in online chats and shit. blandish but sweet. anywhatsits. the formatting of this/these posts is garbage but I’m not gonna do anything to fix that. don’t really care enouh to nor do i know of a better way to space it all out. actually i’m gonna try rn but like, just so you know, this was all one massive text wall earlier. 

there, did a little spell check too. this might be my longest and most well formatted post to date. which isn’t saying much considering that these have only been going on for about a month and change but, shut up. I'm gonna end this post now because it’s devolved into a random tangent about what i’m doing atm instead of it’s intended diary purpose so, see ya in the next one!

[yodiaryshitblows]

#8 pls no h8

January 6th 2019

so, last year ended with a botched ass post about tall girls. imma fix that rn.

Tall girls

are fuckin GR8

like, they can just, scoop up your entire form. I mean, yo dude if this chick is taller than u then u can be THE BEST. LITTLE SPOON?? which is a thing I've really always wanted. also if they got long hair and they hug u their hair just drapes all over u and is a cute lil hidey space for the kissin. u can climb em like a vine and u can be the smol bean. ur face, is like, most likely at their titty so 👌👌👌

idk man tall girls are just, so nice too? like I have never met a really tall girl who was mean at anyone on purpose.

I just, really really really want a tall girl to pick me up and hug me really tight that would be ideal honestly.

um, maybe more about this l8r. tall girls are really great and they're all pretty and if ur really tall then ilysm stay beautiful 😙😙💞💞

[yodiaryshitblows]

numbah 7 boi

bitch idrc I just accidentally posted a personal ON MAIN bitch I nearly DIED. like, got damn all 5 of my followers ain't ready 4 tha real me™. MY ASS ain't ready for that shit. phew. anyways, is late, I FUCKING LOVE REALLY TALL GIRLS. that's all I wanted to say but like, shit fuck u 2018 givin me 1 more heart attack right at the end smh. more about tall girls and just more in general comin 2019 peace y'all

😘😘😘😘😘😻😻😻😻😻💞💞💞💞💞

[yodiaryshitblows]

Number 6 Not a hick

Post 1/? of December 30th 2018.

Hey, Writing this because I’m tryna make an effort to write more things down. It is the eve of new years eve and I haven’t written anything since crimbo the 1st/2nd so, :P. It’s been about a month and a half since I’ve seen my friend cameron. I think it partially has somethin to do with the fact that i sorta pointed an unloaded gun at him. My bad, honestly. Not really my best judgment call like, yikes. Anyways, miss the boi. Wanna see him again next year. It’s been about 2 weeks since i last visited the trash cave, which is what I’m callin the apartment of my other frens. I’m, okay. Right now. Bein me. I have only had one fit of escapist fancy and about 2 internal breakdowns since last I wrote so, hell yeah! Um, idk. Not much to write atm. Played a little world of light on switch, made a lil progress. Caught dat sleepy bitch syndrome cause me 2 cats were in my room all day, slept til like 4ish? Overall, pretty alright sunday tbh. Um, as much as I wanna post this tomorrow, I did write it today. Sooooo, heck it. Might as well draft it and post l8r. End of 2018 and I feel. Not much, honestly. Capping the year off with a work day and starting the new one with a day off. Still have my shitty haircut. Still can’t drive by meself. Still haven’t shaved/learned how to effectively. Still pfff, wearin sweat pants to everything all the time. Still got the shittiest teeth in a 15 mile radius. Still got the same glasses I’ve been wearin for fuckin, about 7 years. All these things and more, gonna change ‘em. Less than 2 days. 

End of 30th bit.

Though to the casual observer it appears to be the same post, it is!I just started writing on it again at 12:01 making it the last day of the year. Thus justifying my posting of this later than when I finished the first bit. Anyways, happy new years strangers/future me!

[yodiaryshitblows]

Number 5,Barely Alive

So, my next and still to date, final, relationship requires a little bit of backstory.  Way back in I think 2012 my brother showed me the Nepeta is a stupid cat video and subsequently introduced me to homestuck. I didn’t really get into it until around 2013 when I started watching the Let’s read homestuck series. Around the time I got caught up with the videos I found out about the chat app called Pesterchum, modeled after the one in homestuck. On April 13th, 2013 (funny, right) I made up two persona names cause I hated the first one. The one I eventually stuck to was deviousFeline, or DF. Armed with plucky, youthful self confidence that comes from being 14 and stupid, I plunged into a series of memos until I came across one called #Anyone_Want_to_Talk. It was a mixed chat/RP server that welcomed literally anyone who wasn’t a total jerk. I made several friends that to this day I haven’t really kept up with. One of my biggest regrets really. This is my fourth? time writing this, and I have only now taken another look at the timeline. Chatlogs I haven’t seen in, years. Glad I didn’t delete them, really. No matter how kinda, creepy? I guess it can be seen as. Anyways. ‘bout a month in this user, who shall remain nameless, though anyone who really followed AWtT will know who they are, introduced me to tumblr. I made a blog, threw out my url in the chat along with everyone else. It was, fun. It’s still the same blog, if you look back ALL the way to the beginning you’ll see my very first reblog way back in 2013. The url has changed about 3 times and to date I have made 1 (one) original post. It said nya, or something stupid like that. (my lil rp dude was cat based shut up!) We got close, talked less after I joined marching band, and my first two relationships came and went. I don’t remember talking much about either of them in the memo. 

This is revision number 5. I’ve uh, paged through a lot of chat logs and had a nice convo with my little brubber. It’s centered me some. Anyways, It is now Just about 3 am on the second day of crimbo and i have been thinkin, readin and writing for a while. But, I think, I can sort of get the story straighter now. 

Anywhos, here’s the rest. Me and Tim were real good friends back in 2013. Both in 8th grade, both real fuckin cringy in the way that only people in middle school/high school can be. He talked about his problems with me, I talked about mine. For a socially weird little fuck like me with absolutely no other emotional vents, it was the best thing I really had at the time. I suppose I declared some romantic feelings for Tim around The end of 8th grade, but he was all wrapped up in this older guy in the memo who he had a similar emotional relationship with I guess? But he liked him, and not me and I, the stubborn but loving git, decided to help him get the boy. It was really just kinda, me needlin him into talkin to Tim about it. I never found out how that shook out, but by that point it was time for band camp, 2 straight weeks of sweatin your ass off in the heat and practicing marching in straight lines while playing an instrument. Compounded with the fact that my parents didn’t pay the wifi bill for a couple months, I didn’t talk to any of my AWtT friends for a good while.The wifi came back on a few months into the school year and me and Tim went back into our dumb little routines. Talkin to each other, making each other laugh. Dumb little comforting things, y’know? First half of freshman year passed by and I had been in two failed, confused and not really impactful relationships. Around the end of April of 2014 Tim messaged me asking if I remember when I told him I liked him. I said yeah and from there he kinda meandered on into telling me that he felt bad about kind of ignoring how I felt when I was helping him get with the other guy and I told him it was okay, blah blah blah, point is we made it kind of official. By the beginning of  May we announced we were a couple to the whole memo, we got rp married, did cutesy couple shit, it was great. Things begin to fall apart when he said he wanted to meet me in person. We were only a state away, and there were lots of options to get me there. We each knew the other wasn’t some creepy perv cause we had skyped for HOURS on multiple occasions. Our parents knew about each other and they were okay with us being together and meeting. So, in theory, everything was fine. In practice though, I was 14 and had had no real concept of Planning™ and Doing Shit™.  So, I fibbed. A lot. I talked about how I had already arranged everything and so we planned my whole trip there. Everything we’d do from the moment we met for the first time in person. And, none of it ever panned out. The day came and went. I was supposed to go on a trip to London for reasons and my first time in a foreign country was kinda, real tainted by my stupid, stupid lies and decisions.I ended up not enjoying/remembering the trip much, lost my phone too. Real um, real shitty time over all. We broke up February of 2015, right before Valentines day. I ended up deleting all the pictures I had of him, every memory I could erase. Everything except the chat logs, which i have backed up in a couple places. Not just of my convos with him, my whole entire career as DF from 2013-2015. If that makes this any less sad/creepy. 

I might revisit those chat logs eventually. Make a whole post about AWtT. It really was an awesome place to spend some of the most formative years in my life. The breakup was the main reason I never went back/talked to those guys again. Really um, wish I hadn’t done that, in retrospect. It’s almost entirely if not totally dead now, if you end up downloading pesterchum and loading up the memo app. There might still be a few pockets of activity in other memos but, AWtT kinda slowly died out after a while. Tragic. Really. Um, anyways. This post has gone on long enough. There's more to cover, maybe in a different post. I’m not really, emotionally ready, to read through all those logs. Even now, 3 years later. But I will get to it, one day. I feel it’s important to acknowledge and accept the past. Um, thanks. Strangers, friends, possibly therapist. Have a good one.

[yodiaryshitblows]

Number 4, Not a Whore

First entry, almost two weeks later. December 1st, 2018

Happy First Day O’ Crimbo. I don’t like, anyone! Not in the romantic sense at least. It’s been about 4 years now since the last time I dated anyone. Last time kinda fucked me up a little bit. Truth time! I was never really in love with them, at first. Surprise! Same thing went for the last time and a half but this time I really had time to realize that. First time I was in a relationship, I was a freshman, she was a junior. We were both in the marching band and we happened to sit next to each other on the bus a few times on away games. I was nice to her,in the way that I was nice to like, everyone back then. I guess that came off as a romantic??? interest in her because she asked me out and i felt kinda, pressured. So I said yes. Things were awkward, I wasn’t into her, she wanted to make things work. I remember she tried to align our schedules so we could meet in the halls. I though that was weird. Eventually I got fed up and that’s I think the first and only time i ended a relationship. That was the half relationship.

First kinda full one was actually with the cousin of one of my best friends. She needed a place to stay because her mom was being a bitch or, something. Real unhealthy family relationship there, more later. Point is she was staying at my friend’s house for a extended period of time. I thought she was kinda cute/hot and I started, flirting?? with her, in my weird 14 year old way. It kinda worked and I used to walk her home. We’d talk (mostly her talking and me listening, tryin to be a good socially awkward listenboi) about her weird shitty family, her favorite stuff, idk. The years have kinda eroded the conversations. We dated for uh, maybe a couple months? And we held hands maybe 4 times. One day between periods I was outside my classroom and she walked up holding her future girlfriend’s hand and said it was over, and walked away. Two seconds later the bell rung and I had to be in class. It was biology, I think. A friend of hers told me she wanted to get back together with me a couple months into my next (and to date, final) relationship and I’ll admit, I thought about it a few seconds. I came to  the conclusion that no, getting back with your ex is a terrible idea and I was dating someone so double no.

This post is already at a length that I consider pretty long (TM) and most of the last relationship was destroyed in a tragic keyboard accident in the second draft so it gets It’s own post. Which will be up in a few because I’m writing these back2back. So, thanks for reading this one frens and randos. Cya.

[yodiaryshitblows]

Third One, Stuff

Third entry of November 18th 2018.

I've just got a lot of thoughts today. This is just a platform to post shit so there's no point in apologizing to it but for some reason just putting my thoughts out there feels like I'm doing something that no one really cares about and I'm inevitably wasting someone's time. Idk. So, kinda sorry I guess? I'll keep these up because eventually it'll be five years from now and I'll be wondering what shit was like for me 5 years ago. Kinda wish I started a lot sooner. 19's better than never though, right? I feel like advertising this lil blog to the 5 Non-Pornbot followers I have. Maybe for like, validation, or to have someone who knows about any of these things like, at all? I'll make a post about it, promo my shitty aesthetic blog too while I'm at it. Spoilers buoys and ghouls it's mostly like, purple and orange. and sunsets. Also, yeah I mixed fish and ghost puns. Shut up . Anyways. Uh, yeah. Sup I'm John/Ava or whatever and I guess I'm kinda sad a lot. I don't like, feel sad? But I've got the makings of a sad person so it fits I guess. I won't post here every day, or maybe even ever again but, thanks for taking an interest in the person that I am. It means a lot to me that someone cares even in that just mild curiosity kinda way. Have a good one randos.

[yodiaryshitblows]

The First Entry: Gender

Hey. My name's John, Currently 19 Years old. It's the early morning of Sunday November 18th 2018

Basically no one's gonna read this so who cares. I was born a dude. Got the whole dick and balls thing and everything. When my little brother first came out as trans I made the decision to love and support him in any way that I could. I accepted him for who he was. Afterwards I started asking myself if I was trans and I thought no, that's dumb. But the question never went away. Over the coming years it'd pop into my head every few months. Then every few weeks. Then a stretch of time where I thought about it every day. then nothing again. This time for a good long while. Now it's just, back. I dunno. I tend to overthink things a lot so I keep running into a few questions and stumbling around 'em until they just fade away. The main thing they all revolve around is, "why? why is this a thing I want?". These are my current thoughts, more to come later.

1. I don't think of myself as attractive

2. I think that generally I'm a boring person

3. I'm riddled with self doubt and awkwardness

4. I'm not very outgoing

5. I'm VERY emotionally closed off

6. I'm prone to escapist fantasies*

7. If I'm not trans is it wrong to take the label

8. I'm aware of the difficulties trans ppl face, why would I want that for myself?

*By which I mean, I dunno. I just have the persistent and kind of delusional thought that at any moment, I could just leave. Be someone else. Start a new life somewhere completely fucking alien and new to me. Somewhere where nobody knows who the hell I am, what I'm like and I can just, change. Reinvent myself in ways that I for some reason think are impossible in my current position in life.

Anyways, all this to say that, when I think of myself as identifying as female I just kinda feel like i am or can be the opposite, of those previous points. When I look in the mirror and make the conscious effort to see the slightly more feminine features I catch myself smiling more. My older brother convinced me to get a shave and a haircut a few months back and when my boss told me his niece got a similar looking one I just felt kinda, happy. I looked at myself in the mirror in more than just passing glances and I just felt good. Back when I first started questioning all this, I had recently gotten animal crossing new leaf. As a token kinda response to my feelings,I went with the female villager. I dressed myself up real cute and when I looked at my little villager I was just, really happy. Since then I've picked the female option for basically every game and it just feels right. A while back I picked a name for myself too. One of my best friends loaned me a book cause I was a fuckin nerd and I loved physical books. I still have it, somewhere, but damn if I remember the name. Only thing that really stuck with me was this popstar, who went by Avalon. I picked my favorite season (cause it sounds nice so hush) and I ended up with (drumroll) Avalon Autumns. It's nowhere close to my real name, sounds fuckin high fantasy as all get out, and I may never get my parents to accept it, but, it makes me happy. Ava for short is alright too, I guess.

I've chickened out on more than a few occasions about telling other people but, idk. Most of the time I'm just, okay. Existing as myself. I'm pretty sure nobody close to me really suspects anything So, I don't really know what any of anything means. Sorry, to any and all trans people who think all my shit is dumb and that I shouldn't even think about taking on the label or whatever, but also thanks to whoever read this whole thing. Feel free to like talk to me or whatever. Have a good one.