you-are-my-sunshine-1234 - Tumblr blog

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

It’s really hard to explain

As an anxcious person

I never thought I would have to deal with panic attacks from positive emotions.

But its a thing, and its been happening. I try to push through it, dance it out, but sometimes its just like i need to stop everything, working everythung and just have some down time.

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

Today is one of those days

It’s been awhile.

Last night my stomach blew up 5x its regular size, I couldn’t sleep or lie in a comfortable position. It feels like my body had a full blown flu. Today I can’t eat and the sharp pains feel like some of the worst i’ve ever had but i suspect they always feel like ‘the worst’.

Im on meds now that stomach bleeds are at a high risk so the sharp pains scared me a little more then usual. I am trying to take it easy.

I haven’t been talking about my stomach, I have been trying to focus on the positives, I am still trying today.

Positives #1 I got to cuddle with Sadie

Then i spilt coffee all over my pillow😅

Days like this remind me why i’m here tho

Why i am not in my classroom.

Its hard to explain physical pain to people who can’t see it. I constantly feel like i need to justify it. But days like this justify it to myself that this painful disorder can and is impacting my life. I can’t be superwoman and work through this, I need to take it day by day as it comes.

I’m not really sure what the futures holds but I never understood that I was holding on to a dream career so tightly that it was hurting me.

Letting go truly has freed me.

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

Today should be a really shitty day.

I was supposed to return back to work today. I am still so sad over the year I missed with them, I was so fortunate to have such a great class.

Permanent positions were posted today and I can’t apply due to the current circumstances.

One of the positions is a 5 minute drive away.

But the thing is

Today turned out to be a very physically painful day.

I had already made the decision to supply next year due to all of my health issues. I need to put my health first. ( Which still terrifies me to let go of because I had been working so hard towards a permanent position)

I’ve reconnected with my creativity, passion and self image- something I had really lost.

I am grateful👆🏼

Life didn’t work out the way I wanted, the way I was forcing. I started doing what I could with what I could. The thing is, i’m so much happier.

For the first time in a long time that is what matters to me. I’m happy about being happy which only makes me happier.

I still have to remind myself that I am allowed to enjoy where I am at.

Mentally I was carrying a lot of shame for not being ‘strong’ enough to physically carry on working at this time.

So I celebrate how grateful I am, I celebrate the moments I get to create and my heart feels like it is on fire. I enjoy & appreciate the food I eat, I donate and sell things I don’t need. I tell my loved ones I love them and often.

“Your focus determines your reality.”

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

Happy to be so happy.

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

This is a terrible thing to say but...

Right now I am grateful for my illness.

The last couple months have been super shitty & included a lot of physical distress and emotional work basically untangling my self from the inside out.

It made me feel like i lost my career.

But i only left to become better, to return.

And within all of this work

I rediscovered my passion for creating.

I rediscoved a part of myself I closed off.

I am grateful.

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

Do we tell ourselves we are masochists just to justify it all

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

New Mantra:

High Hopes

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

Today I woke up and I wanted to feel like art.

This shift and desire is coming forth like a sunami I cannot contain.

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

Maybe it’s time to not only want more for yourself

But do & be more for yourself.

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

🌹just needs some fresh roses🌹

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

Just because

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

This looks like bliss✨🧘🏻‍♀️

With a touuuuch of frost bite!

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

I’m gonna get back to this☀️

& you’re going to be blown away.

-note to self

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

I’ve been on a medical leave for about a month and a half...

I can tell you the only time i felt rested was when I was put out by an anesthesiologist.

No amount of coffees will wake you up

And no amount of showers will make you clean.

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

I’m hurting

But you keep trying to convince me its growth

[you-are-my-sunshine-1234]

“He was preaching power over others, that isn’t being a man- that’s being a criminal.”