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youmakethelight · 2 hours ago

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The fact that Daryl saying “You never know when to stop” follows Carol saying “I don’t want to lose you bc you can’t figure out when to stop” is basically proof that the entire Find Me fight was about Daryl’s fear of losing her. The juxtaposition of fear of loss and desire to be found is so glaring here.

Okay kids, it's time to have a little chat about Carol and her chronically low expectations in romantic relationships. And no, this post is not going to be all about her marriage to Ezekiel, tho that mediocre motherf*cker is definitely part of the pattern I'm looking at here. Instead, I want to concentrate on her s10 relationship with Daryl and the line above. Because as the Bard once said: there's a double-meaning in that. Personally, my response to this line is less *fistpunch* you go girl and more *facepalm* good god girl. While on the surface, yes, it can be read as positioning these two as a dynamic duo boldly taking on Alpha's hoard despite their superior numbers, it also has the undertone of Carol being uncomfortable with and resistant to Daryl's attempts to acknowledge and deepen their decade-plus-long relationship.

Let's unpack.

S10 presents us with a fully-grown man in Daryl, capable of supporting Carol through her many losses, communicating clearly and kindly with her during times of huge difficulty, and openly committed to progressing their relationship towards a deeper, maturer place. Carol, conversely, doesn't seem to understand this shift in her long-time buddy, why he's seeking more from her, speaking more to her, asking more of her, expecting more from her. Carol's unclear on why what they've always been is no longer "enough". She is totally content with what they have. Friendship. Comfort. Support. Understanding. Community. Back-up. Banter. Motor-bike rides. Acorn-tossing contests. And some fun sexual tension on the side. Her marriages had way less going for them, and I do mean both marriages. As far as she's concerned, they are rock solid. Her relationship with Daryl is one of the most healthy and long-lasting relationships she's ever had, especially with a man. So why risk it? Why ruin it? Why question it or push it beyond its limits? Whenever anything has gone to shit in the past, which it inevitably does, they've always been able to fall back on each other. Run back into each other's arms. Sometimes literally.

So why isn't that, why aren't they, enough anymore?

To be fair to Carol, Henry and Ezekiel were the male tentpoles holding up her life at the Kingdom. That sounds terrible but I'm still gonna extend that metaphor to say that Rick and Daryl were the other male tentpoles in her life, supporting her life before/outside the Kingdom. She's lost 3 of those major, male tentpoles. Daryl is the only important man left in her life. Her tent is ragged and sagging, all but collapsed on the ground. She is barely holding onto her sanity so wanting to fall back on supportive, comforting, familiar dynamics is fair. While Daryl has been secretly waiting out her marriage to Ezekiel, probably clocking each red flag as it waves, Carol is still emerging from a somewhat controlling dynamic with what turned out to be a pretty underwhelming partner in a pretty unequal partnership. She is not ready for anything deep and meaningful, which is why she keeps it light with Daryl. They play, they laugh, they talk, they flirt. She enjoys being around him, free from Ezekiel's control. She probably hasn't been able to fully and open-endedly enjoy time with Daryl for years. She's got the wind in her hair as they ride through the wilderness on his motorcycle, and considering all she's lost, you gotta love that for her.

The line above comes after a scene in which they discuss Connie, Daryl assuring Carol that it's not "like that" and Carol asking "why not?". Twice. She encourages him into relationship he does want, but not with Connie or anyone else, adding:

Daryl grimaces, smarting inwardly because he didn't think he was alone. He thought he was with her. He's sitting right there with her, has been there all along, but to her, that doesn't count. Not for much. It's difficult for him (and the audience) to gauge just how much Carol knows here. Because how he looks at her when she asks why not? is pretty fucking clear. Why not? Why not??? Because he's in love with you, you insane woman!! Her obliviousness to his openly expressed love is hurtful but the source of it is unclear. Is it that she thinks Daryl would be better off with someone like Connie, someone kind and pretty and brave? Does Carol think that she is just too much of a mess for someone as pure and inexperienced as Daryl? She's some old crone with too many ghosts surrounding her and two unwise marriages behind her? Maybe Carol clocks the special affection Daryl has for her but is doing her best to redirect him to someone more suitable, less likely to hurt his precious soul. Because sure, Daryl may think he loves her, but that's more to do with his big heart and romantic naiveté than with her being worthy of his love or them being a good match. Right?

I think it's all of this. I think it's the timing. Her focus is elsewhere. But I also think Carol just has very low expectations when it comes to love. When it comes to men and sex and relationships. Her last experience of love was defined by Ezekiel's flowery speeches and subtle control. He loved her shallowly, never knew her deeply. He needed her for his kingdom and she embraced the part that was required. But he was not super tuned into her wants or needs. And this last marriage was an improvement. Like, a massive step up from her first. To Carol, her marriage to Ezekiel was a GOOD relationship. To her, a handsome man offering stability, safety and co-parenthood was "enough". She was safe. She had a son. Eh. Good enough. "Good" and "enough" is not only all Carol expects. It's all she knows. All she knows how to do. And to her, her relationship with Daryl is also good and enough. It isn't that the idea of being known and loved in a more profound way is terrifying to her. It's completely foreign, totally outside of her lived experience of love. Carol literally has no concept of what Daryl is offering. He's saying: Let's take this further, let's go deeper. And she's like: Further doesn't exist, bud, there is no such thing as deeper. This is as good as it gets, soz. Hence:

I doubt she relishes dashing his idealistic hopes and romanticism with her bleak af reality check. And at another time in her life, she may have believed in the sort of profound romantic relationship and lasting soul-deep connection that he desires with her. She's not necessarily rejecting what he's offering. She just doesn't think it exists. Or if it does, it doesn't happen to her. He might be able to find love like that. But at this point, she feels incapable, her heart drained and exhausted by unremarkable, undeserving men. Daryl deserves more than the measly dregs she has left to give.

This scene in "Bonds" is one of many one-on-ones in which Carol and Daryl basically sit in a log and talk about their relationship. (And bless every soul who brought us such content after 10 years. Or in my case, a couple of months). These scenes punctuate and essentially bookend the season, with "Lines We Cross", "Bonds" and "Find Me". Their position and regularity tell us that they aren't just fun, incidental fan/shipper service, they mean to tell us something about this pairing, these characters and their dynamic. These scenes explore wants, desires and possibilities. Before their first date in the season opener (in TWDU, this is fucking date okay), Daryl asks his newly arrived seadog bff: "So what do you wanna do?". Now, I'm gonna guess that it was Daryl who planned every aspect of this date. He's been waiting for Carol's return and thinking about a good place to take her (Carol says she's never been on the path they take so she didn't pick their course). He's thought of somewhere with a few walkers to kill but not too many. He parks by a log, provides snacks. This is a man with a plan. But it's still important that he actually asks her what she wants to do. In part because Ezekiel, did not. Ezekiel had a habit of folding Carol's needs into his own, even before Henry's death.

In fact, what Carol wants is a recurring theme in ALL of these scenes, in each of these episodes and in others throughout the season. There is frequently an exchange that goes something like:

DARYL: So you want to do this? CAROL: (shrugging, mumbling, rephrasing to something similar that sounds vaguely minimising, cloaking her desire in humour) Yeah, I mean, I wanna do that, I guess...but you don't have to come with me or anything....

For instance, in "Find Me", when Carol finds him on the road, follows him to his bike, Daryl asks: "But you wanna come, right?". Carol can't just say: "Yeah, I wanna come with you. Is that okay?". She has to deny following him, say she wants to hunt whatever's left, help feed hungry Alexandrians. She has to shrug off the desire to spend time with him, hide her desire to repair and reconnect behind cute banter and funny stories about feet. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE the cute banter. I LOVE Carol pushing her way onto his bike and smiling over his shoulder. It's shippy af. And aside from the entertainment value, you could say that these sort of interactions are just more interesting and human and realistic because in real life people rarely just come out with what they want. We all talk around it, hide our vulnerability because what if we state our wants and needs and the other person says no? We get hurt, right? You could also say that the reason all of these scenes have similar dialogue around what Carol wants is that she is the season's protagonist, what she wants drives the action, the antagonism with Alpha. Except that the motif of deeply and persistently questioning what Carol wants outlasts her successfully enacted revenge on Henry's killer. Which implies that there is something Carol wants beyond -- perhaps even more than -- Alpha's suffering, regret and death (as expressed in that cave to Daryl). This persistent questioning of Carol's deepest desires also appears in the form of Alpha's apparition in Carol's mind, taunting her to say what she wants. Say it. Think it. Admit it. Face it. Feel it.

Carol doesn't -- can't -- face her innermost desire in this episode or any other. Which is why she can't really express it to Daryl or anyone else. Whenever she tries to communicate his importance to her or what she wants from him, she phrases it in the negative. She can't say what she does want, so she says what she doesn't want. There are two major moments where she does this. The first happens in "Morning Star", in which Carol approaches Daryl and begs:

The second comes later in the season but earlier, chronologically speaking, because it occurs in one of the flashbacks from "Find Me":

She can't ask for his love or forgiveness or understanding or patience, despite the fact that he would 100% give it. She can't say I want your love, she can only say I don't want your hatred. She can't say I want you in my life, just I don't want to lose you. And while we're on the topic of Carol's negative or inverse expressions of love/desire, it's worth pointing out that the opposite of lose is find. (See this post for why THAT is relevant). Now, obviously this last line refers back to that pivotal moment in the stable in s2 when Carol told Daryl after Sophia's death that she couldn't lose him too. Back then, the idea that he meant something to her caused a minor bomb go off in his boyish head. His whole world shifted on its axis and he looked at her differently from that moment on. He scowls at her a second as if he doesn't know what the fuck she's on about. (I always think of this as their Ross and Rachel moment but instead of "You're over me? When were you...under me?", it's more like "You don't wanna lose me? When did you...have me?"). By s10 tho, this veiled declaration of value and attachment is no longer the mind-blowing revelation it was to baby Daryl. In fact, considering all they been through, how staunchly he's stood by her and how long the two of them have lasted (longer than every single person on that farm), it's actually low-key insulting. I think I have a slightly different interpretation to these scenes than some shippers because I think Daryl is somewhat hurt by the implication that he could hate her. Or that she could lose him. He's disappointed that he even has to spell it out for her. It denotes a lack of trust, a denial of what she knows of him, how well she really should know him by now. He does it in each case, tells her what she needs to hear. Because that is just how much he loves her and how far he will always go for her.

In the first instance, he's calm despite being inwardly crushed by her lack of faith in the man-of-honor loyalty he's been silently enacting for years. In the second, he's just received an ultimatum from Leah (and there's some implication that Carol has received a similar one from her jelly hubby) so his response is less measured, his impatience with her leaking out:

Here, Carol's insecurity around their bond doesn't flatter. Or assure. It insults. It smarts. Because he doesn't know what else he can possibly do to demonstrate his commitment, his loyalty and love. What does a lonely hunter have to do to once and for all prove to the longtime love of his life that it simply is not possible for her to lose him? He's hers. For life. She's married to someone else. He's wanted by another woman. And even then, he's hers, heart and soul. She's a warrior queen and he's a river-dwelling vagabond. But every time she shows up on the river bank, she gives him a spark of hope that part of him hates. He'd like to be a little less in love with her so he can conveniently and contentedly shack up with Leah but that just isn't who he is.

As hard and hurtful as this pattern is for Daryl, I think the reason he weathers it is that he knows exactly where it comes from. Such low expectations are the result of abuse and neglect. When people who are meant to love and protect you turn on you, you stop expecting love and start hoping to just not be hurt. You don't seek care or support. You just avoid violence and humiliation. You don't expect happiness or fulfillment. You just hope for survival. You stop having needs because then you won't be disappointed when they're left unmet. Carol's chronically low expectations in relationship were put in place during her first marriage (and potentially before). Her second marriage, in which she was caged, contained, controlled, used, objectified and invisibilised, hardly helped. Daryl wants neither to harm nor contain her. He doesn't want to make her smaller. He doesn't want to make her into a symbol. He doesn't want her to serve him domestically or his vision politically. He wants to set her free. He wants her to be as big and bold and fierce as she can be. He wants her to have expectations of him, high expectations. To unequivocally expect his love and loyalty and support.

Most importantly, Daryl wants to know what she wants. He spends all season asking her, waiting for her to decide, hoping that what she wants is him. Because he wants to give her whatever she wants, or help her get it. He'll chase it all his days if she lets him. One of the few times that Carol does express a want is right back at the beginning of the season in the first of these scenes in which they sit and talk. She doesn't say "I want this" but, perhaps high on the moment, she does straight-up ask him to come out on the boat with her. At first, Daryl says no -- boat, no, but bike yes (although the pirate book we see later suggests that he might have taken up the pirate life if it meant being with his beloved). This idea of them running away to New Mexico on his bike recurs throughout s10. He returns to it at the end of "A Certain Doom", deliberately reminding her that, despite everything they've been through, they have a future in which she can want and he will listen. Whatever it is she wants, he will try to make happen. Whatever she expresses, he'll remember. Whatever she expects, he will do his absolute damnedest not just to meet her expectations, but exceed them.

Because Carol having high expectations of him would be an indicator of healing. And not just for her. No one ever expected much of Daryl. But for years he's striven to prove his value as a community member, trusted friend and principled leader. Carol holding consistently high expectations of him would mean that the person that matters to him most sees this effort, acknowledges his worth and progress from redneck adolescent into deserving man of honor. It would mean he can finally relax into being who he is instead of endlessly proving who he is. It would mean that they could relax into being, living and thriving, instead of being locked in a pattern of just surviving. In this first scene, Carol initiates a conversation indicating that just surviving somehow might not be enough for her anymore:

From here onwards, the words "New Mexico", writ large in the chyron of the first ep, come to encompass Caryl's mutual vision of freedom. Liberation, but liberation with intimacy -- a combination that's always defined this relationship. Neither wants to be caged by another (as Carol is with Ezekiel, as Daryl felt by Leah). Each has always freed the other to run off on whatever side quest they felt necessary. Just as long as they came back again. Previously, I wrote of Daryl and Carol as being realists in service to idealists. The future they envision here is one of the only times we see them envision something for themselves. It's significant that their moment of idealism, their moveable utopia, includes the other. It's also significant that they have both become capable of imagining something better than "good", more than "enough". Daryl believes in that vision with his whole heart, wants to make their ideal real. It's Carol who struggles to believe that they can actually have this dream of intimate liberation and interdependent healing. Considering all she's lost, all the hers burnt away, all the hopes dashed, the healing forestalled, it's understandable that she can't bring herself to expect, to believe, to hope. But this moment proves that some secret part of her that only Daryl hears from desperately wants to.

#NO 🔥 NOTES 🔥 again #op single handedly catapulting me straight back into my caryl feels with these stunning s10 analyses good lord #caryl

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youmakethelight · 23 hours ago

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Non-Carylers selective perception is so weird. They go 'Caryl shouldn't be a couple! We need more representation of friendship between men and women + there's 0 sign their connection is anything but platonic' when they're flirting in s3+4 and Daryl is pouring out his heart constantly in s9+10. But Axel & Carol have 2 scenes together and people go 'oh, the flirting+chemistry!' Dito B*thyl & D*nnie. They also ignore the truly platonic relationships like DarylMichonne, D&Maggie, D&Rosita, CarolRick

That argument honestly might get on my nerves even more so then the mother-son bullshit because I think it stems from internalized misconceptions of who is allowed to fall in love. Caryl are both middle-aged, have a history of abuse, and come from poor backgrounds. They don’t check any of the conventional boxes, yet they have fully and organically earned a romantic storyline. That should be nurtured and celebrated 🤷🏻‍♀️

#I could rant and rant and rant for 12 hundred years about this

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youmakethelight · 1 day ago

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Are twd showrunners/execs/chief content officer actually stupid? When I say showrunners, I mean gimple and zabel. Especially gimple since he’s been with twdu since ever and is the CHIEF CONTENT officer. Deliberately not giving daryl an on screen kiss for over A DECADE and then just throwing it away on this random clingy nun and everyone hated it. What was the point of it all? Zabel surely knew they never did that for a reason, so is he stupid? Gimple… he definitely knew the reason they never did it… so, what actually the fuck?

None of the four horsemen actually care about Daryl, his story, or his fans. If they did, they would’ve considered the impact that an abuse survivor’s first onscreen kiss would have on a fanbase who—shocker—are also abuse survivors. After over a decade of building a deep, meaningful relationship with a character who has actually earned Daryl’s love and vice versa, you don’t give away the most anticipated moment to a character written from a misogynist lens who 1) Daryl and the audience have known for a grand total of five minutes and 2) keeps Daryl trapped in the cycle of abuse. That entire arc was one massive “fuck you” to everyone invested in Daryl’s backstory and there’s no way for them to walk that back. The damage is done.

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youmakethelight · 2 days ago

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Actually beyond disappointing. Incredibly hurtful and upsetting.

#and it wasn’t even targeted at my body type #seeing women’s bodies judged like that is harmful to all of us no matter how feminine you present as #i fucking hate it here bye

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youmakethelight · 2 days ago

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I think it’s worth separating critique of the art from critique of Melissa/Carol’s body.

None of us are entitled to a woman’s body - no matter how much she or the character she plays means to us.

Criticise the use of AI. Criticise the title and the lack of coherence between the poster and the actual show. It’s also fair to say “the editing doesn’t look like Carol” or “the anatomy feels off.” But I feel that saying she looks “like a man” with “a completely flat chest” is different - those are harmful and gendered judgments about how femininity should look, not about the artwork. Maybe that look is empowering to some.

If this kind of body-based critique is what makes or breaks a poster for someone, maybe that’s something worth reflecting on privately.

For me, this was disappointing to see Carol/Melissa’s body targeted here, instead of the real issue.

I think I'm the only person in the universe who hates the new AI art piece where Carol is shooting off the back of Daryl's bike. She looks like a man with a completely flat chest.

I am obviously a huge advocate for stronger (and equal) representation of Carol and a sharper focus on Caryl’s dynamic which appears to be the poster’s main objective, however, I find it incredibly frustrating that 1) AMC is relying so heavily on AI 2) that they can’t get Carol’s look right and 3) that what’s on the poster isn’t reflected in the actual story

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youmakethelight · 3 days ago

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At SDCC this year, Melissa McBride actually said she picks her battles in her EP role. I know that she can’t really speak openly about things she doesn’t like, so isn’t that quite a big claim for her to have made publicly? What would have provoked her to decide to say that in a press panel?

She seemed much more diplomatic with how she spoke about it at SDCC 2024 and at NYCC. To outwardly say she’s careful to pick her battles directly communicates that there are things she doesn’t agree with but tolerates. So, I think we can stop saying that if she was unhappy with anything, she’d “speak up” and stand up for herself; that fans speaking up that she deserves better are “victimizing” or “infantalizing” her. She just directly told us that part of her way of standing up for herself is by tolerating some things she’s unhappy with.

And why even tell us that if she didn’t want people to know?

I have said this many times, but it’s wildly unrealistic to expect an actress with no other producers in her corner and a misogynist studio breathing down her neck to blatantly “speak up” the same way that we can on any of our platforms. It is in no way a reflection of her character or her abilities. If you want to hear what she’s really saying during a press event, you just have to read between the lines 🤷🏻‍♀️

#melissa mcbride #carol peletier #daryl dixon #caryl spinoff #twd #actually pisses me off the unrealistic pressure ppl put on her by expecting her to be able to solve everything wrong ever #it doesn’t make her any less strong or empowering that she’s human

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youmakethelight · 3 days ago

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not naming names but some of you are genuinely really good people and i hope that you get everything your heart wants and needs

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youmakethelight · 3 days ago

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It’s the way amc actually changed their banner.

They previously chose the one with Carol in the background to the left and DARYL DIXON and Daryl in the dominant foreground on the right. And only a few weeks later, they change it to this. Everything central. Both characters equally positioned. On Daryl’s bike. Daryl driving, Carol fighting, both looking in the same direction - a true team. Equals. Together. And this comes after the very first poster in the s3 promo circuit was a trashy AI solo Daryl poster.

Why the need for the change, besties? What was wrong with the first?

It’s almost like they’ve noticed the audience want to see Carol and Daryl treated as equals, as a team, an equal partnership.

And yet - the title, the profile picture, the hashtag.. the writing, the showrunner, the billing(?) - what do those tell us? When will those core issues change too?

#twd caryl #amc #caryl

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youmakethelight · 4 days ago

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I get that Daryl was trying to help Carol move past her grief so they could look to their future and have a life together, but why didn’t he just directly say exactly what he needed to say? She asked him to, and he carried on in unclear subtextual speak. I get how he feels, that he wants her to decide not to run anymore. But at no point has he directly told Carol exactly how he feels. So why is he expecting her to get it?

“They can communicate without words.” well okay apparently not.

Daryl’s not good with his words and he also has some insecurities, so it’s harder for him to say what he wants to say.

I agree with you that Daryl and Carol can’t always rely on non-verbal communication. They both suffer from low self-esteem and won’t hear what the other is trying to say about them unless they speak up very clearly, which neither one of them has successfully done yet. That’s an area where their relationship still needs to grow, and I hope we get to see that one day on a new show.

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youmakethelight · 4 days ago

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Carol is the one. The only one.

#caryl

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youmakethelight · 5 days ago

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I hope it’s okay for me to add my own honest experience as a viewer and a relatively recent member of this fandom.

I used to feel similar to anon. I watched the earlier seasons when I was a lot younger, and I thoroughly came to both expect and accept TWD to be one of those shows that will always come with misogyny, messy writing, disappointment with character arcs, and generally out-of-touch and insensitive attitudes to representation. By the time I came to catch up on the later seasons last year, my standards for TWD were extremely low. I basically planned to unseriously hate-watch it like I did the middle seasons 🙃

But the massive improvement in seasons 9-10 snuck up on me. Not only was it a huge improvement in the way it represented people and avoided common harmful tropes, but it actively centred the characters I had thought were destined to always hover on the sidelines. It spent time on characters and stories that I would have always deeply enjoyed, but never would have dreamed to see in this show. And it meant so much to me.

It was that taste of recognising that actually, better *can* be achieved. And that I deserve fulfilment and empowerment from this genre just as much as the people I’d previously assumed the show was *really* aiming at. And that women deserve to be uplifted at their place of work; whether they’re actresses, crew, writers, or showrunners.

And once you’ve tasted that, you start to realise that it should always be sought. The creation and consumption of TV don’t happen in a vacuum. It does affect real people. Light-heartedly watching low quality TV is one thing. But running a globally recognised gigantic franchise, one which can afford to hire experienced and diverse staff - that’s a responsibility. And those who don’t take that responsibility seriously should be held accountable.

And I can no longer truly enjoy any show that contributes to the perpetuation of problematic industry standards.

So I’m new to TWD and I’m actually watching the spinoff before seeing the whole show (I watched S1-S2 when it came out as a kid but that’s about it)-I guess I have low standards but I see this show almost as a dream for how fantastical it is compared to the original show, and I have a lot of fun with it. The sets are amazing! And so cool, it feels like a fun wish fulfillment story and I don’t really expect much from network television giving me what I want plot-wise.

To be fair idk what I was like to suffer 11 seasons of never seeing canon Caryl, so I like to think ya’ll were psychologically tortured over the years, so the anger feels a little justified lol. But I feel almost bad that I enjoy this show but I just don’t have any expectations of anything I want happening here. TWD seems like it never was a show that likes to give the audience what they want. So I’m probably just going to be at peace with it like loads of other shows over the years.

I’m glad you’re at peace, but honestly I’m a little sorry that you feel like what you want in a show is irrelevant 🤔 Speaking as both a longtime fan and as someone with industry experience, I think it’s important to speak up about the male EPs’ disregard for the flagship show, the characters, and the characters’ built-in audience. Their behavior is extremely problematic. Believe it or not, a TV show is not meant to be one actor’s wish fulfillment, especially not when it’s based on a long-running franchise. AMC is not network television, but regardless, they need viewers to watch their shows in order to make money. Letting a few man babies make all of the creative decisions is just going alienate viewers, as we’ve already seen happen and they will lose money that they need to keep making content, as we’ve already seen happen. Hence the show getting canceled.

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youmakethelight · 5 days ago

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Does anyone have any theories/headcanons about the broken boat & Daryl’s scar event/s that happened in the 6-year time jump?

I haven’t ever been able to let it go, and I’ve found myself spotting more clues lately and starting to fill in the gaps… Obviously, we can’t know what the plan was for sure, but there are probably some more likely explanations…

I’d loveee to know if anyone’s thought about this 🤍

#caryl #twd #carol peletier #daryl dixon

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youmakethelight · 5 days ago

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TWD & Caryl: FIND ME & S10 Thoughts

Holy shit. This ship.

So I’ve finished s10 and honestly? Bless Covid for giving us all this lovely character work to conclude the season, rather than another fucking war. I’m gonna guess the dude bros who are into the comics and the whole GENRE of it all just HATED this season. I bet the fan discourse was all: it’s not the same without blah-blah, the show has gone too long, lost its magic. But for Caryl shippers it GAAAVVVEEEE. And gave and gave and gave until it hurt. Hurt so good. Based on the pattern this series has set up in the past, both for romantic relationships and established communities, I should’ve expected the heartbreaking disintegration of Daryl and Carol’s relationship. They were just too happy to see each other when Carol got off that boat. They went on a fucking DATE, they exchanged TRINKETS. We got extended scenes of them flirting and bantering and MAKING PLANS TO FUCKING RUN AWAY TOGETHER. They share a DOG NOW, okay, a DOG. I should’ve got flashbacks of Richone making baby plans the season before but I was having too much fun and didn’t anticipate just how far they would push these two and their relationship. And know what? I’m not even mad about it. Because the angst is so exquisite. The acting is chef’s kiss perfect. The writing is SO on point. And they were actually EXPLICIT about the romantic nature of this decade-long relationship (longer including time jumps). I can’t believe, as in CANNOT FATHOM, how anyone can be in doubt of that anymore. How can people STILL insist on them being PLATONIC?? Lit-er-al-ly WHERE?? WHAT show are you watching??? I also cannot believe it took me this long to find this fucked up, torturous ship. Like what the fuck have I been doing with my time, because this shit is right up my alley. The off-the-charts chemistry, decades-long irresolution and gaslighty platonic-washing included.

Gotta rewind a moment tho. Cos I need to process some feelings about “Find Me” and the final scene of that ep in particular. I watched it two nights ago and was just kind of stunned by it. I sort of half-watched the next episode (I don’t really care for Gabriel or Aaron that much so eh) and then went back and watched “Find Me” again. I knew that at some point Daryl was going to be retro-fitted with a girlfriend, a narrative move that I do NOT enjoy (e.g. Mulder and Diana grr). But I gotta say, I didn’t hate it. Because basically, Leah is Carol. I mean hello? An independent badass with a cute face and curly hair. (I have a personal head canon/fic idea in which Daryl is curious and asks about Carol’s hair color before going grey. So to me, this is the color Daryl would imagine Carol’s hair would’ve been when she was younger). We get a lone wolf (Kelly's words) with a wolf pup who has become separated from her group. A grieving mother, one who adopts others’ kids as their own despite the high potential for heartbreak during a zombification pandemic. They literally have the same conversation re: spear fishing. Leah’s living alone in a cabin out in the woods, a la Carol in s7. Which is when it all went wrong for them, so Daryl kinda gets a do-over on staying at that cabin and doing all the things he didn’t do with Carol. For instance: watching eclipses and making out by the fire. Except that Leah isn’t quite Carol enough. And also Carol is still visiting and reminding him of who he is really deeply and honestly tied to and hopelessly in love with. (Sidenote: listen to @9lives2mics outline the parallels between Leah and Merle. Shows that while Carol was caught in what I view as a somewhat controlling relationship with Ezekiel, Daryl found himself falling into a similarly controlling dynamic, if more short-term. Sidenote to sidenote: during one of the flashbacks in this ep, Carol once again mentions being needed at the Kingdom. Considering Ezekiel was not shy in his attempt to pressure Daryl into seeing less of Carol, it’s a pretty good bet that he had few qualms about persuading his wife to visit her best friend at the river a little less. To stay focused her duty to her king and his kingdom).

Okay so, let’s just start with the fact that Daryl writes FIND ME. And the episode starts with Carol finding him on the road, heading out on a hunting trip. She uses the same tactic to reconnect with him as he did in that first episode when she got off the boat after a long absence. They go riding, hunting and bantering. In both scenes, they are (re)finding each other. Or at least trying to. So they revert to what they know, how they initially closed the distance between them after Sophia’s death bound them together in guilt and grief. Presumably this is how they found each other in between s2 and 3, which is why by the time they arrive at the prison, Carol can shoot and stab and DarylandCarol are now a kickass killing duo. No doubt it’s also why they are milliseconds away from jumping each other on that upturned bus. Carol’s effort to reconnect with Daryl post-Alpha-etc doesn’t work out quite as well but the salient point is: she finds him at the top of the episode. She finds him in each of the flashbacks. No matter where his search for Rick has led him, she finds him. She has always found him and brought his scraggly, reluctant ass into the heart of the group. And she is the one he wants TO find him. Daryl is defined by the fact that he is always out there looking for something. He’s a hunter. He’s looking for tracks. He’s looking for clues, for prey, for materials, for food, for routes, for roots to put down. Tirelessly looking for a little girl in the woods, even after all hope was lost, is what defined his character and their relationship. Whatever group he’s part of, he’s their most valuable finder. But who finds the finder when he needs to be found?

So when that note ends up in Carol’s hands, it's because that’s where it was meant to end up. That’s where it belongs. That’s who it was cosmically addressed to. That’s their luck at work. The luck of the double-capped acorn. That low-key blew my mind when I first watched. But I had to watch again to see that Carol holds Daryl’s note in her hands throughout their final argument.

Every single line of this exchange resonates with their shared history. Daryl blaming himself for not being there, not helping Leah (just like with Sophia, just like with Carol whenever she got hurt or taken, just like Beth or whomever he feels responsible for). It should feel like familiar territory and their responses are similar to prior exchanges but, as with the entire episode, something is off, some other tension underlies everything, threatening to explode. The first bomb in the ensuing emotional cascade goes off when Carol hesitantly asks:

She’s being as gentle as possible but she can’t help triggering Daryl’s crushing sense of culpability. Especially since the person who “just left” was her. The blurring between her and Leah continues when she tells him that people don’t leave because of something he did. Cos we all know that, after Carol left, he had to have silently tortured himself for years afterwards wondering whether there was something he could have said or done to make her stay. To prevent her from disappearing from his orbit, abandoning him for another community, another life, another man and another man’s child.

The second bomb goes off in Daryl’s head when Carol mentions Connie, her voice trailing off (pure guilt or was she going to mention another name at the end of that sentence….?). She moves a little closer as she does, trying to lessen the distance between them, but she also shuffles on the spot, clearly uncertain. She’s saying all the right things but they aren’t landing with Daryl, not the way she means them. She’s saying Leah. Rick. Connie. But he’s hearing her name. Over and over again. And he is not in the right headspace for her continuing disavowal of her importance to him. He needed space from her on this day and she refused to give it to him. She was trying to repair them. He was trying to repair him, after all she’d put him through of late AND in the period that she just made him recall. Personally, I am not mad at Daryl for turning on her here. Or for falling in with Leah then. Carol has put him THROUGH IT. That flashback scene where he’s literally weathering the storm while she’s probably tucked up, all cozy in bed with Ezekiel. Yikes.

Even if it’s a little raw, I like Daryl speaking up for himself, saying that Connie’s death was on her. (Reminds me of the scene back before Rick banished her in s4 and he said he’d never killed two of their own, to which Carol replied: Just one). Where I think he’s unfair is in saying that she never knows when to stop. It’s a direct echo of her words to him in one of the flashbacks following Rick’s death. So he knows that that’s both of them. Throughout s10, there’s this recurring motif of them running and not stopping, leaving and not staying. This constant movement is partially a necessity of the world they live in, the worldwide disaster that threw them together in the first place. Ironically enough, they also had the solution to this problem right at the beginning of this season. Run. Just run together. Outrun the threats. But make sure you don’t lose each other in the process. Of course, solutions to zombie apocalypses are so much easier to come by than solutions to past trauma. Also unfair is Daryl telling her that being right is all that matters to her. That seems to come more from anger than anything else because we all know that Carol’s overriding motivation is love. Empathy. Extreme care. That’s why she kills. And that’s why she needed her revenge on Alpha.

It is perhaps this inaccuracy, this uncharacteristic unfairness that FINALLY clues Carol into the fact that they are conducting two parallel conversations.

Welcome to the conversation, Carol, nice of you to join us. Correct, it is not about anyone else. This is about YOU and the fact that you ran off and married another man despite the fact that you two were fucking MADE for each other and head over heels in love for like five years before you inexplicably decided that being a crunchy almond mom was your ultimate calling. Here, the camera cuts to an extreme close-up of Daryl who suddenly retreats back into his shell, nothing more to say now that she’s actively inviting expressions of undying love from all sad-eyed hunters and gatherers in the area. He reverts to s2 Daryl, he of the heated accusations and the “you ain't my problem”. Then the final bomb goes off in his head when Carol tells him that what she needs is a friend. A fucking FRIEND. And her friendship was enough for him once. Her friendship was a revelation to him once. All the comfort and motivation he needed. But Daryl is no longer a boy with sweaty hands and self-worth issues. The boy is still there but he's also grown the hell up. Years later, he wants more. Meanwhile she struggles to even call them “best friends”. All season, he’s been placing his heart on a platter and laying it at her feet, and she’s been like: Nice heart, friend, who’s that for? So is it any wonder that Daryl says:

and part of me was internally cheering at this point. Because yes. Correct. They do not. The first time I watched this ep and saw the scene by the river with them filleting fish, I was like: okay guys, it’s cute but we’ve had a lot of these scenes this season, where are we going with this? Let’s keep the pace up. And when he said this I was like: oh snap, show, you got me, that was the point!! In that scene, Carol was trying to connect, trying to flirt and get them back on familiar ground. She was putting in the effort after putting him through the wringer. But Daryl was having None. Of. It. He didn’t want to go back to what they were. He wanted to know whether there was more. He wanted to know where they were going with this thing that’s silently/loudly existed between them for over a decade. That’s what he’s been wondering aaaallllllll season long. He’s been holding his tongue while she got Alpha out of her system, while she was grieving Henry, separating from Ezekiel, married to Ezekiel, sleeping with Tobin, grieving Mika and Lizzie….and so on and so forth, going back years. He’s been holding his tongue so long, which is why it’s fair that this is all coming as a surprise to Carol. She’s completely caught off guard by all that he’s been bottling up and not expressing to her, and now she’s struggling to retain her somewhat willful ignorance around who they are to each other.

Her confusion is valid but so is his frustration. The spotlight is finally on him and his feelings/experience so he tells her in as clear a way as he knows how that he is ready to stop running and be found. He’s done chasing. Done hiding. Done denying. Done flirting round the boundaries. He doesn’t give a fuck if it’s on a boat up the coast or on a bike to New Mexico, he wants something new and he wants it with her. Not fucking Leah or Connie or anyone else she dreams up to match him with. If she runs, that’s what she’ll be running from. And this time, he won’t be running after her. Because his self-worth hasn't progressed far enough to keep chasing someone who doesn't want to be found. And at this point in the Caryl metacomm, we will pause to admire this shot of Melissa McBride. Acting her heart out. With her teary, pale blue eyes. And her gorgeous hair drifting across her face thanks to an exquisitely timed breeze. Must say, after hating on her married hair, I grew to love her longer locks this season.

So Carol is shook to her core and rightfully so. She turns to the door and glances down at the paper in her hands. Because she’s been holding Daryl’s declaration of love and devotion the whole time. The answer to her confusion. The subtext to this entire exchange. It’s all right there. Laid out clearly in black and white. When Daryl leans in, holds her eyes and declares: “I know where I’m s’posed to be”, he’s telling her as explicitly as he dares: I belong with you. When he adds: “I won’t stop you this time,” he’s begging her in desperate, hopeful capitals: FIND ME. Please please please. I’ve tried to find you. Now it’s your turn. You know where to find me. You always have. Right here. Always here. Ready. Willing. Waiting. Carol hears the hurt she’s caused for him but not the love she inspires in him. Her “you and me” positions them not just as a kickass duo facing the apocalypse as a united front but as a romantic pairing who just can’t seem to find each other through the maze of their mutual damage. (Oh, the validation!) Just as she’s done all season, she stubbornly refuses to believe that he could love her after everything she’s done, who she’s become. In an attempt to not hurt him, she refuses to love him or be loved by him, not realising that that refusal to give and receive love is the deepest way she has wounded and continues to wound him. She can’t conceive of a way to repair the damage she’s done to him, to them, so she sets to work instead on repairing the door so they don’t get eaten alive. Cos life in the apocalypse goes on, even when your heart is broken.

Carol’s chronic fix-it coping mechanism continues in “Divergent”, but neither episode resolves the sexual/romantic tension that exploded all over the screen in this episode. I’m doing a very bad job of staying unspoiled so I know that resolution isn’t forthcoming in s11 either. So once again, if anyone has post-ep recs either for “Find Me" or “Divergent”, PLEASE send them my way.

Thank you to anyone who read this! 🌰

#caryl #literally a perfect analysis im obsessed #ty op #no notes #find me and diverged beautiful forgotten children of angst #the angstiest angst to ever angst on twd

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