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nezdacsinosnotmilyenszexi
Nézd a csinos nőt, milyen szexi!
lovelypurpletiger
Carl Henry III
lovelypurpletiger
Carl Henry III
lovelypurpletiger
Carl Henry III
daolagupu
Anish Daolagupu
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211230
I came close to dying today. Or at least I felt like I did. I closed my eyes and planted my feet to the theme park ride's platform. I stilled my breath and prayed silently. I saw you. I saw you alone, terrified. I saw you like Asma said I should stop trying to see you. And it made me realize, mama, I really don't want to die. But I never had the feeling that you wanted to die, either. So I ask once again, what was it? Because papa let me know he's been having nightmares (which I'd noticed) and while I don't know and I didn't ask, I think his nightmares include you. Because papa tripped and fell in the bathroom while I was eating a cold sandwich in some forest, and I cursed myself for not being home instead, as he could've hit his head open. Because everything feels like death. Because death is all around and all too easy, all of a sudden. Because I'll always wonder if you regretted the moment your feet left the surface. Because I haven't had the heart to google how long it takes to die from being hung.
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211229
I fasted today. I made Harira for the first time. Papa said it was "superbe". I tried it after I broke my fast and I cried for an hour.
I finally took out the salad you left in the freezer. I wanted to try it so bad, but I know it's a bad idea to eat something from two months ago. I simply tried a tiny piece of corn and dumped the rest in the bin.
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211228
Asma had bought us nice chocolates back at the airport. I made sure everyone got same and put the box away. The old chocolate box we'd put our cotton swabs in got broken, so I had to empty the new one to replace it. One piece of chocolate left. Do you think, maybe, you want it? I think I've been absentmindedly saving it for you.
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211227
You never bought the earrings. You never changed the kitchen cupboards. You never mastered Matlo3 or fried squids.
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211225
I think I'm done sobbing for the day. Hi! How was your day? I was told your sister passed away on a December 25th. I hope you're with her now.
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211224
I dreamed you had to go to your doctor's and then to Amina (Asma's friend)'s house. You took Hanna with you. I hated up some dinner and waited by the window, as everyone but you came home. And then you did! Wearing a brown leather jacket and holding Hanna's hand. I hugged her and walked her inside to a sofa (our old sofas). You sat across from me with papa and we talked about her getting tired easily. Then I went into the kitchen and prayed, thanking God that we were all together and heated up dinner for Amina, because now she was here lol.
Mama, I must've smiled in my sleep because I woke up expecting you to be here.
Mama, please tell me you and Hanna are together and happy where you are.
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211223
07:33
I dreamed of you. I dreamed I went out somewhere with you, but you kept trying to escape. You were subtle, so I wouldn't have caught you back then, but I know now. I woke up to the Fajr call, so I got up to pray and make Dua for you. I made coffee for dad and took a painkiller for this longing headache. I turned the lights back off and I'm about to read some Quran, the way you used to at this time of the day. I'll go back go sleep after, maybe. I love you.
22:56
I don't think dad realized I made him coffee or even woke up lol. I'm pretty sure I heard him pour it down the sink and boil some water. I was heartbroken but too sleepy to say anything. I cooked cardoons for lunch for the first time. I let dad convince me to go shopping. I missed you the entire time. I hate you.
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211222
I dreamed something about you, but not of you. I don't remember dreams, because I'm constantly running. I was cooking and cleaning a lot when you were sick, but it was something I thought I'd do until you got better, so I didn't think of resting or fixing my sleep schedule. Now that you're gone, I do those things knowing I'll be doing them again tomorrow and I'm still not used to it, so I get easily tired. I should be more like you, I guess. Sleep a little earlier. Be a little diligent.
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211219
Talking about you is something I can't help, but talking about you in present tense is a choice. You chose to end your life. I chose to pretend you left and will be back some time. I don't give a fuck about your decision. You know how stubborn I can be.
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