youngsquish-blog

[youngsquish-blog]

You need to stop

Those words have never held so much meaning and this was the first time she had understood in a way that rang true to her and the value of what it meant. It was a mistake that she had made time and time again, finding any justification or excuse to make it acceptable. Addiction is a very long road that has no end. But along this road there are many exits, some that lead to a path which takes you further away from this road and some that are winding with many turns that give the illusion that they’re leading you away from it until you realize that you’re back on that very same road you started on. The reason she went out was always the same, the obligation to see a friend that she had tried to cut out of her life but didn’t feel right about it because she felt like she had to salvage the friendship that the two had in the past. The reason why she did it was always the same, she didn’t like drinking or going out but it was okay to do it once in awhile because what was the harm in that? And with the drinking comes the temptation of the addiction. She isn’t deep into it like she was before and it will be the last time, she told herself, so do a little and then just call it a night. It never worked out like that, and she knew it, but the mind is a trickster, a sneaky little devil. 

When she finally did go home the next day she was not herself. Physically and mentally weak, sick, tired, broken… Why did she keep doing this to herself? But it wasn’t her, it was the addiction that had corrupted her pure heart and mind, that led her astray and distanced her from the righteous soul of her being. So there she was lying in bed, trying to calm her body and mind. Her heart was pounding the hardest that it had ever pounded before. Her body went through waves of hot and cold and a trembling that wouldn't subside. Her mind was screaming for more cocaine as though it would make things better. It was the lie that her mind told her and had convinced her of every single time. But the mind not only excels in the art of lying, it is also an expert at living in denial.

 It took a single instant for her to stop listening to her mind and to start listening to her body. The sensations that she was feeling were different than every other time. Her heart was in pain and there was no denying it anymore. And while she battled with her mind which was trying to reassure her that she was okay, her body got her out of bed, dressed her, grabbed her purse and her car keys and directed her to go to the hospital. She didn’t make it there on her own though and the obstacles led her to a treatment centre that was nearby instead. She walked into the building and went to the front desk and asked for help. 

It was the first time that she had been in an ambulance and it terrified her. And when they started asking her questions she knew that she had to tell the truth because there was no reason to lie. It was a very raw and vulnerable moment for her to be so brutally honest and the embarrassment and shame was crippling but it had to be done. She needed help. It was the first time she was hooked up to an IV. It was the first time that she had to confront the very real possibility of death. And as the paramedics gave her something to stop her racing heart and it made her drowsy, a dissociation occurred. It was the first time that she saw her addiction in its true form. It was the first time that she saw it as something outside of herself. 

She woke up in a hospital bed after some time with the IV still inside her arm, wires connected to her chest, a blood pressure monitor wrapped tightly around her other arm and a nasal cannula on her face. For almost five hours she laid in that bed alone, in and out of consciousness. The few times that she had reached for her phone she had thought about telling people what had happened but it dawned on her that she had already exhausted all the supports in her life. She knew that no one could help her. She knew that she needed to help herself. She fought back the tears that threatened to come out and although she was alone she knew that she had the support of a presence that was not visible to the eye. She had felt with her heart that there was an energy with her that was not based in this physical reality and it gave her the comfort and strength to get through the suffering. She had already played the role of the victim and it had failed her over and over again. Instead she began to identify with the guise of a survivor because it was the right decision to make that would lead her on the only path that she had not taken, the path that would lead her away from the addiction. 

In those hours of being confined to a bed she had been poked with needles and had gotten a chest x-ray done; after hours off assessment and being ignored the doctor finally came to see her. He had a friendly face and in those eyes she saw kindness and compassion. In a gentle voice he said, “You didn’t do any significant damage to your heart but you are at a very high risk of having an acute heart attack if you continue to use. I’m not here to lecture you but you need to stop.​” She had already spoken those words to herself so many times before but the weight of this message was more impactful because she knew that it had come from a higher source and that he was just the puppet. 

Before leaving she had thought about reaching out to him. She was at Foothills Hospital but her car was not and it was a good reason to talk to him. She wanted nothing more than to see him but for a second time that day she didn’t listen to what her mind was telling her and instead let her body lead her out of the hospital and into a cab. On the ride she was grateful for the silence because all the tears that she had held back were starting to come out and it took everything in her to maintain composure until she had made it to her car. As she opened up the car door a sob escaped from her mouth and she sat there for a few minutes letting the reality of what she had created sink in. And when she was ready to drive she started her car and the song that was playing spoke to her; she knew it was another message from the universe that was meant for her to hear. 

Stop your crying baby, it’ll be alright 

They told me that the end is near 

We gotta get away from here 

It was a pivotal moment in her life, a moment where she pleaded for forgiveness. She begged her heart to forgive her for all the pain that she had put it through. It was time to stop letting her mind have control and to start letting her heart guide her and speak its truth. The choice to move to Vancouver was the heart guiding her and any fear of leaving that she had was completely gone. She went to bed that night thinking about whether or not he felt what she was going through. She questioned whether he was thinking about her or if he thought about contacting her that night. But her mind was too fatigued to put any more energy into thinking and she quickly fell into a deep sleep. 

The next morning she woke up still feeling the effects of the withdrawals and it was so hard for her to get out bed but she needed to. That day she wrote and told her story because it was the only way for her to heal and move on. She knew that she had gone through an awakening and that the events of the days prior to needed to happen in order for her to gain the insight that she did and to start moving towards a life that is meant for her. The choices that we make have consequences, whether the consequence is good or bad is a matter of perception. The mind plays devil’s advocate and it can either work with you or against you. The heart will always take care of the body because that’s its job. Its purpose is to support you and help guide you to make choices out of love and choices that are in your best interests and that of others. There should be no opposition of the mind and heart but rather a union. And when that union occurs, every choice that you make will be in alignment with your true self. The life that you manifest will be one of authenticity that is driven by right action and speech. Only then will you be able to absolve the prison that your mind has created and be free.

[youngsquish-blog]

Kairos - the fleeting rightness of time and place that creates opportune atmosphere for actions, words or movement; the moment when everything's falls perfectly into place