yourdailydoseome-blog - Tumblr blog

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[yourdailydoseome-blog]

i miss 1990 when i didn’t exist

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

My mood this year.

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

BIG MOOD: me + you, a cabin in the mountains, sitting in the hot tub, drink in hand, not a care in the world

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

“And like the moon, we must go through phases of emptiness to feel full again.”

— Excerpt #148 

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Ellen Page photographed by Tiffany Nicholson

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i want more roadtrips this year. more time spent at the ocean. more trips hiking up mountains. more time falling in love with the earth, and laughing with people that make me feel at home.

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

What do I do with the insane amount of imagery that exists inside my head

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There are feelings I never wanna feel again.

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

6:02pm

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy until he’s dead.

And he better not die in some peaceful way surrounded by his love ones. I want him to know what pain is. Truely, the most horrific and unbareable version of it. He took away my life.

I want to take away his too.

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

8:08pm

Well, I never wrote down my FEELINGS, but I’m sure you could guess them.  I’m also not very good at this blogging/diary thing. Oh well, I promised a DAILY dose, and thats what youve been getting at the very least.  Today was really nice. I’ve become super attached to Kristyn again for some reason. Atleast for today I was. I was a little sex obsessed. I just feel like i need her. Her lips, her eyes on me; always...  Anyway, something that I really do need to tell someone is this really bad thing I’ve been thinking about. This is online so I’m going to try and use code incase on the off chance that someone finds this and actually reads it.  But, a girl at work told me about getting people to do “jobs” for you. ANY jobs. ANything you want to happen, can happen. For the right price atleast.  Well, I’ve thought about it, and thats really tempting. Theres a sickening man who has completely destroyed me, and I would really love to see him completely disappear. And for an extra price; in the most brutal way possible.  I havent told Kristyn that I was thinking about this.... But I can’t get it off my mind. 

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

7:31pm

I didn’t write at all yesterday. But it’s because I genuinely didn’t bad enough about anything to feel the need to confide myself into this. Kristyn and I went up to a look out and had sex in my car, which was actually so good. Then we had sex again on the way home-again, so good. By the time I got home I felt good enough about myself to just go straight to sleep.  Today though? Should I even try to explain how today has been? ...  Today my car broke down on the side of the high way at 5am. Great. Fucking great right? I got it going again only to find out later that someone had ran into the side of it while it was parked at work... Great, again, just fucking great. I literally didn’t even have time to breathe at work today between customers. Busiest day I think I’ve EVER had there. It was horrible. I was working with my friends, but it wasn’t enough. By the end of  hours I was ready to ball up and cry. I called Kristyn and found out I had misunderstood plans, and that she was going to be AN HOUR late. Fuck me right? So i drive to the mechanic to try and sort my shitty car out. Guess what, its closed. Yep. bet your almost laughing now right?  I get home and I find out we’re having a big family dinner with new relatives tonight. Okay.  Kristyn comes to see me and guess what SHES PISSED because she was never invited.  So even though I really, truely feel like I’m completely falling apart and cannot handle ANYONE elses shit... I turn to her, and I tell her I will get her invited or else, I won’t go either.  She gets invited.    The complaining continues though, and we talk about it for about an hour or so. ANYWAY. I can’t be bothered,  but basically hours of useless and pointless shit happens and we’re running super late and I feel shitty and Kristyn says “i dont know why your so worried about making them angry, like you already know they actually dont care. They don;t care if your there or not, they dont want you there and you know that.” 

SO lets talk about how all this has made me feel. (thisll be fun). - soon i gtg. 

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

9:44pm

I barely made it through today...  I left work in absolute hysterics and the second i got to my car...tears.  I went and saw my nan, and hung out with my little cousins which was a nice distraction. Kristyn even came and saw me and we just sat in her dark car and talked...well...i talked, she listened. Which was nice.  I told her what thoughts I was enduring, without censor, and I know it probably hurt her to listen to, but i was selfish, and told her anyway. I needed to. I needed someone to hold a little bit of this weight.  I just saved my nan from a morning of stress I think. I told her she didnt have to go pick up my cousins from the airport (traffic and not being able to go to the toilet really upsets her)...and sounded really grateful for the scape goat I provided.  I hope i did the right thing.  I’m really tired. Honestly if I had written this blog post an hour ago, you would be reading something horriffic, and dark. But, I’m tired and need my rest. I have work at 4am. 

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

8:43am

It’s effecting me now, first thing in the morning. I hate how selfish some people are. Kristyn’s making me feel shit because I dont want her sitting in 2 hours of traffic just to see me for like 40 minutes. I’m doing a nice thing? I went and then made plans to see my nan in order to distract myself for a few hours. Now she’s all sad because she thinks Ive chosen to see somebody over seeing her.  I’m literally telling Kristyn that I’m drowning, and her biggest concern is that I offended her on accident, through trying to do something considerate.  Like why add to my weighted feelings like that? Why can’t you just tiptoe, just for a fucking minute. I told her I dont want to work with the girls at Brendale today, and she has the audacity to taunt me with “thats just because you have a new favourite”, referring of course to Kirsten, the new girl who she has an issue with.  WHY. WHY cant anyone ever just be nice. UNCONDITIONALLY nice. With not even a hint of negativety. Its literally impossible. I went to sleep wondering what people would say at my funeral. I could tell her that; but would it change anything? No. It never does.  I screamed at her once, tearing myself into peices, begging her to understand that most days... I want to die. I want to curl up and not exist. That i hate everything about myself and my life and...nothing. she told me to seek help if its that bad. shes really not the type to pity anyone huh. 

Im exhausted. 

Its getting so progressively worse I almost cant handle it. I feel completely pointless. My day has no reason to it. Neither do my nights. I dont want to be here. But i dont want to be anywhere else. I just want to stop.  Stop being, stop breathing, stop. 

[yourdailydoseome-blog]

8:35pm

It’s a rough night. I’m going to try to sleep straight after I finish this entry, just so the day can finally be done. I’m annoyed if I’m honest. Kristyn lives 10 minutes away and I’ve been expressing to her how I’m lonely, I’m drowning, I need help, I need HER. And she hasnt suggested even once just coming for a quick visit? I’ve driven hours and hours over the last few days just to drop her at work or home or uni...but yet, she cant fathom coming and spending an hour with me just to hold me and kiss me and tell me things will get better.  I hate how much I give to people, and how little they give in return.  It’s 8:30 for god sake. 10 minutes and you could be here. 10 minutes and you could take my pain away, atleast for tonight.  I can;t blame you too much. That’s unfair. Maybe i do expect too much. Maybe you dont understand truely where my head is at. Maybe nobody believes me when I say I want to kill myself.  Maybe one day I’ll prove it and they’ll all feel stupid.  I’m tired. I shouldn’t be speaking like this. It’s just all flooding back in. All the bad that I spent years trying to get out of me...its coming back. God I’m trying to stop it.  But am I? I don’t feel up to the work. I’m too tired to fight it. I’m too tired to even care too much about it coming back. The only thing I’m doing with my time is scrolling online, or writing this ridiculous blog. I’m not working on myself. I’m not being productive, or creative.  I’m pathetic. I’m waiting for someone to pick me up and place me on my feet again.  I might be waiting a while... Nobody seems to be bothered in making the effort.  How can i expect them to, when I wont do it either?