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[youre-expected]

the person I base my entire day routine around forgot my birthday and then asked why I had an attitude

[youre-expected]

few hours left

its almost an hour and a half left until it’s midnight and i turn 20. when i thought about this for the past couple months, i felt nothing. wasn’t any different, not really. but then again, this year was a complete blur and i don’t remember half the things that i felt and happened - i don’t even know if i felt anything to be honest. since i don’t trust anything and i always feel like i’m being watched, i thought writing this letter to possibly my younger self or my future self on tumblr would be the smartest choice - no one knows who i am on this blog. and i would definitely like to keep it that way. so it goes. last year’s birthday i spent in my room, in lockdown, with my bird next to me. this year, i will spend it in my room, in lockdown, with my bird no longer here. because he’s dead. i could not have experienced a bigger loss than this. he died right at the beginning of 2021 and staying in my room has felt like silent torture ever since. i miss him and i doubt i’ll ever get over him. which is expected because he was my only friend for five years. so, of course, guilt and trauma are eating me alive. as for other important things, i always forget what happened when i write stuff like this. i never know if i’m fine or if i’m going through a breakdown again, and i hope that in five years when i’m 25 i will have figured it out. because i’m tired of not being able to figure it out and i’m tired of being confused and hating myself and not being able to see me as a friend.  to be honest, i have changed a lot in the past couple of years. and i was trying for so long to be grown that i forgot it was the time to change - i was young and i was learning the world and it was okay for me to make mistakes and it was okay for me to change to figure out what i am. lately i have been thinking a lot about what i would change if i went to the past. i would give myself such a big hug and try to make myself feel better. maybe this is some sort of a start to self-love that i have been looking for for ages. and it’s nice to think so. anyway. i always ramble whenever i try to write these deep, long messages. and i think that’s how it goes anyway. but i do like to be organised so this always makes me feel messy and i can never finish them. but i do want to finish this one. because i might not understand it now, but it could be important for future me and i want at least future me to be happy. so - not caring about grammar mistakes, not caring about anything. so it goes, again. i have had only a few genuine people in my life and they have made all the difference in the world. one of them, that i have to let go of - the painter girl from the second year. i know who she is and i doubt i’ll ever forget - mainly because i barely even talked to her. but the situation was complicated and she would never want to be friends with me anyway. apart from this, i’ll never forget her genuine smiles and her laugh. her voice seems to be fading away though, so is her face. but i remember the way she walked and the way she smiled at me that day in the museum - it was so happy and peaceful and i wish i could go back to when my whole body shook at the slight sight of her. but, i will never be friends with her and it’s fine. in my mind, she’s here with me. as my best friend. that won’t change. as for the person who’s my soulmate - she has hurt me but she has made me feel alive five times more than hurt. so, i do hope i get to hold her. and feel her someday. i hope i tell my mom how much i love her without being scared for my life. as for my mom, i am grateful for her every day, even if she is extremely annoying sometimes. i am twice as annoying and i definitely have anger issues, she deals with it. but, to be fair, she could have anger issues too. i have been feeling a bit more nostalgic lately than usual. been thinking of my father and the way he would have been if he was alive. and then my classmate started rewatching the norwegian show again (i wont name it because this post could show up in its tags) and gosh - i wish life was smiling right now. maybe it will soon. i want to be as hopeful as i remember myself to be. i’d like to go back and never change. never become cold, never have to grow up. life changes and so do people, and emotions, feelings, and thoughts. if i was outspoken and great before, now i can barely hold a conversation without wanting to cry. hopefully... that goes away soon too. and my memory comes back because sometimes i dont even remember what i did yesterday, so i think i’ll have to get a journal or something where i write things like this down because i want to know at least what song i was listening to. as for my art, i hope i become someone who is proud enough to share it. i hope i become proud of myself. and this summer, i hope it hurts in the best way possible. i hope that i will need a break so tough that i’ll rest only in winter. i hope i let myself be what i want to be and who i want to be, although it will be difficult without my bird with me. to my future self, whoever it may be, when i read this, i hope i am smiling. i hope that i don’t get the feeling to cry every two seconds and i hope that i am lucky enough to be safe and to change in my own environment and the way i want. 19 was tough and even if it doesnt get any better, i secretly hope it will... i hope that i feel calm, one day. but i am grateful to be alive during these times and i hope they end soon.... good luck and thank you to 19. for treating me and teaching me more about myself than i have ever had the opportunity to know. i am leaving this age as grateful as i can be. sad, and numb, yes. but grateful and hopeful. i want to go back to hopeful. els. 

[youre-expected]

Hearing my own heartbeat in the comfort of my bed

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Unconditionally loving myself really means just that. If I make a mistake or hurt someone, I am still worthy of compassion, especially from myself. It's hurtful to myself to relive my regret over and over. It is malicious toward myself.

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I’m curious to know how i feel

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For some reason, I miss you

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i hate that im sensitive and jealous and stupid and quiet and ugly and annoying 

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“I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song, on that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.” The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012) dir. Stephen Chbosky

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I’ve never been more embarrassed and ashamed, I’m so sorry for everything my sweet angel

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i just want a cat 

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idk anything about anything and anyone 

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Everything is a lot more twisted than I imagined

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Alice Oseman, Radio Silence

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it’s so cold in my room. it’s like everything around me is slowly coming to an end. i’m coming to an end. this shaky forest in my head is always burning up and i’m never relieved. i never feel relief i never feel ok anymore. everyone is so awful to me and i’m so awful to myself. i’ve not been myself in so long... i haven’t loved myself in so long. and i miss it. and i never know how to get back. i never know how to explain what i feel and i never know what to do and gosh is it frustrating to not even have any privacy to cry it all out. i can feel my body shrinking. i can feel it all coming to an end. something has to change. something has to happen to me so i know im not forgetting myself 

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not to be soft but i would love to make you tea with honey and run you a bath with rose petals and just make you feel like the most special person in the world

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04.16.19

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“I loved you completely. And you loved me the same. That’s all. The rest is confetti.” – The Haunting of Hill House (2018)

“You set it up wrong just in the beginning. You said it was a ghost story. It isn’t. It’s a love story.” – The Haunting of Bly Manor (2020)