yourseedling-blog

[yourseedling-blog]

New goal

I want to do an in-depth post about my new year’s resolutions and also take a look back on the past year as a whole. But I’ll do that when I have a little bit more time to think. For now, I just want to write down this new goal of mine so I can get started on it as soon as possible. My new goal is to start waking up at the same time every day, even if I don’t have to be up. Since I often start my day at 3:30am, I’ve decided that waking up at 5:00am on days that I don’t have to work the AM shift at work is a reasonable goal. I believe that making this change in my life will help me be more productive with my days as well as give me more energy. I’ll do it for 3 weeks and see how much of an effect it has on my life. Let’s see how it goes!

[yourseedling-blog]

Something I want to remember

Today I was doing some holiday shopping at Target and as I was leaving, a woman approaches me with her daughter and asks me for help. She’d lost her job last month and taking care of her 2 kids has been hard, especially with Christmas coming up. She tells me that she’s tried everything from going to churches to signing up for welfare, but she wouldn’t be getting any financial help for at least another month. I felt her struggle and looking at her little girl, I just couldn’t say no. I had to help her. So we went back into Target and filled up a cart full of toys for the kids; it was the best looking cart I’d ever seen. And I could tell she was deeply grateful. She was telling me a lot of nice things like I’ll be a great mother one day and that I’m so kindhearted, but none of that touched me as much as the feeling I got from simply helping her out. Her daughter was also so sweet and deserves a magical Christmas. I can’t explain it. I’ve never done anything like that for a complete stranger before. I’ve definitely never had anyone do that for me. But I feel like I’m fortunate enough to be able to buy $300+ worth of toys and throw in a little more for tonight’s dinner, so why shouldn’t I? I know a lot of other people would brag about doing such a deed to make themselves look good, but I think I’ll keep this one to myself. It’s between me and the mother I helped out. I really hope she gets back on her feet and continues to take care of her little ones. She was a genuine person and I’m so grateful that I was able to give her a little Christmas miracle. Just wanted to document this feeling while it was still fresh.

[yourseedling-blog]

Trying to be better at posting more

A lot has happened since the last time I made a post. I wish I’d written everything out as they were happening so I could really get my feelings out while they were still fresh. But it doesn’t matter now. So much has changed. People have come and gone in my life, like they always do. But not before stirring shit up for me, of course.

I found out that a certain person has been telling stories about me at work--stories that don’t exactly make me look very good. And that pisses me off more than usual because fuckit if it was in any other setting, but because it happened where I work, I was heated when I found out. I almost gave this person another chance, but I’m glad I didn’t. I don’t owe anything to anyone so I need to learn how to draw the line for the way people treat me. I need to respect myself above anyone else. I’m glad that person doesn’t work with me anymore. It could’ve ended very badly for me if they hadn’t left.

My best guy friend also confessed his feelings for me recently. It was really weird and awkward, but thank god he’s actually mature enough to still remain friends and promise not to let this affect our current relationship. At first I thought he was just talking nonsense because he was really drunk that night, but  nope. He was serious. If anything, I think we’ve gotten closer since then. Still, I’m not trying to date him. I’ll have to watch how I act with him from now on. I don’t want to lead anyone on.

Here’s some great news: as of two days ago, I am officially a full-time employee at work! They gave all of the diet clerks full time and now I feel like less of a slave and more like a respected and valuable employee. They’ve really been working me hard, giving me double duty shifts and teaching me new positions. But I can’t complain. Having this job makes me feel so fulfilled. I’m certain that this job is exactly what I needed at this time in my life. It’s given me confidence in my career path and my social life. I can actually look people in the eye when I talk to them now. I don’t trip over what I say in fear that I’ll look stupid. It’s a miracle. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. And I mean that in the best way possible.

So now I’m on to the next step, which is starting internship applications. I hope there are many more good things in store for me in the upcoming year.

[yourseedling-blog]

Shittiest week of my life

Self explanatory.

[yourseedling-blog]

Don’t be so sensitive

Today was a particularly rough day at work. but instead of ranting about it, I want to reflect on something that I really want to change about myself. I want to learn how to not be so sensitive. I don’t know what it is but whenever people are even slightly negative towards me, even jokingly, I take it to heart and I can’t stop thinking about it for days. It really affects me. I wish I could just let it go but it really consumes me. I’m pretty sure it’s due to low self-esteem or anxiety, but I don’t know how to even address it. I try to remind myself that things like that are so small and unimportant that I shouldn’t let them bother me. But just being conscious and aware of that fact isn’t enough for me. Maybe I need more time to really believe it. It’s one of the things that I am the most unhappy about myself.

On another note, I had a super intense heart to heart with my good friend the other day. I had a long day at work and just wanted to be lazy once I got home, but he convinced me to go out and drink with him. It was fun and I really needed it. I haven’t been that drunk in a while. Me and my friend really bonded over it. I almost pissed myself and couldn’t find a bathroom so I literally pulled down my shorts and pissed on the floor like an animal. Not one of my proudest moments, but it was a good memory because my friend started pissing just to make me feel less bad about it. That’s real friendship right there.

Anyways, I’m PMSing so I’ve been really hormonal and emotional. And adding alcohol into the mix was a recipe for disaster. Except I wouldn’t call it a disaster because my friend and I had a really deep conversation about how our lives have been over the past 2 years when we lost touch. There was definitely ugly crying and embarrassment involved, but I’m still very grateful that it happened. I definitely feel closer to my friend and talking about those things was a huge release.

In fact, I need to keep purging any negativity; it’ll probably make me less sensitive. So fuck what anyone says to me. It doesn’t matter anyways. I know who I am and what I am and no one can tell me otherwise. I am resilient and will not let other people’s words affect me and my emotions. I deserve to be happy everyday all the time. Life is too short to waste time worrying and being upset. I will do everything I can to spend every second in the best mood possible and remind myself of that whenever I find myself slipping into the negativity.

[yourseedling-blog]

Looking back

It’s a quiet, boring Friday night and I’m just going through old stuff from earlier on this year and holy frikkin moly, so many things have changed in such a short amount of time. I feel like every time the new year comes around, i say it’s going to be my year. But 2017 has definitely been my year. I am back on my bullshit for sure. I can’t believe that I started improving myself immensely by forcing myself to be more social and also exercising more. I feel so much more charismatic and confident and happy with the way I look. It’s also hard for me to believe that I was still with my ex not too long ago and that I actually grew the balls to get out of that relationship and not look back. I am seriously so FUCKING proud of myself for that. As fucked up as it may sound, that was one of the best decisions I could’ve ever made for myself. And now I’m talking to someone new who is absolutely amazing and makes me feel absolutely amazing as well. I got a new job this year and am already working my way up to being full-time and possibly getting promoted to a higher position. I just feel so much happier overall. I can’t even remember how things were this time last year. All I know is that I was extremely unhappy and felt stuck. I felt the need to write out what changes I’ve made so I could really see how far I’ve come and what I have to be thankful for. I feel that I should be very proud of myself. I know there is much more good to come.

[yourseedling-blog]

Retail Therapy

What is it about buying things that makes me feel so high? Seriously. I usually don’t care for make up products but I’ve been wanting to buy so many things lately that I’m actually getting worried that I have a problem. I’ve been trying to control myself, however, and not blow my entire paycheck on things I don’t necessarily need. I want to be very conscious about saving money just for the sake of saving money. But aside from make up, I have been slowly purchasing things to decorate my room with and it’s been an exciting little project for me. I can’t wait for it to come together.

I also really need to buy a gym membership. I need to stay on track with my fitness and have something to do before or after work instead of sitting in traffic for two hours. I’m possibly going to get a second job very soon so that’ll just be more money coming in to spend on things I need, but I’m going to try my best to save most of it.

Jesus. I still need to save up to get more work done on my tattoo too. Why can’t I just win the lottery? I haven’t chased money like this every in my life and although the feeling sucks, it’s kind of addicting...

Anyways, enough money talk. Here’s just some random stuff that’s been on my mind lately:

I can’t believe how much of a stoner I was this time last year. Looking back, I’m actually shocked at how weak I was and quick to smoke my problems away instead of facing them head on. I feel so present now. I find it easier to love myself more and more each day, which is the total opposite of how I was not too long ago. My head is so clear and I am loving it.

I need to be more conscious about taking care of my health. I need to eat better and make sure I’m staying active the best I can. I’m going to start meal prepping my breakfasts and lunches once I establish a schedule for myself. I want to make sure I always have a healthy meal on hand to avoid munching just to get some food in my belly. And there are a lot of recipes I want to try out. Also, I need to drink more water! I’ve been working on that for a while and I’m doing well, but I think I can do even better. MORE WATER. You can never get enough.

I’m feeling so good lately. About everything. About myself, about my job, about my relationship (or whatever you’d call it), and about life in general. Things are looking up. And I try to remind myself that life is always going to have ups and downs. So even if this high doesn’t last forever, I’ll be okay. I’ll get through whatever life decides to throw at me next and I’ll come out on top even stronger than I am now.

[yourseedling-blog]

What’s on my mind

I’m wondering if I’m fucked up or cold-hearted because I really don’t care about anyone else except myself and my family. Like even with my friends, I can only bring myself to care for them to a certain extent. I mean, I will go above and beyond for people; it’s just in my nature and people know it well enough that that often take advantage of me. But when it really comes down to it, I don’t need any of them nor do I care what they do as long as it doesn’t affect me or mine. I’m having a bit of trouble expressing this though into words, but basically I’m just feeling like I’m mean for not giving any fucks about people. Everyday, I find that it’s getting harder for me to care about people. Does that make me cold or selfish? I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing about myself at the moment...

Work was good today. Actually, work has been good in general. I’m getting better at my job and I feel very comfortable where I work. Everyone is nice and I’m making a lot of friends. I also feel that my social skills are improving a ton. Being trapped in the house for the past year really fucked me up socially so being in an environment with a lot of people and a job where talking to strangers is a part of the work is really helping me become less anxious and more friendly.

There are a lot of things I want to buy at the moment. I have been slowly changing up the decor in my room. I feel like I’ve been ridding myself of so many habits and people in my life, and I feel like I’m redefining myself as a people as a result. So I’ve felt compelled to get rid of a long of my old things as well. I donated a bunch of my stuffed animals, which I’ve always had a hard time letting go of, and I’m planning on getting a bunch of new things to decorate my room with. My room is my sanctuary and I’ve been spending a lot more time in here so I want it to have a peaceful ambience.

Other things I want to buy are: a new phone when the iPhone 8 comes out, a new car because I’ve been driving my mom’s gas-guzzling car to and from work and it’s killing my wallet, skin care products because I can never get enough, and a plane ticket to somewhere for vacation.

Now that I think about it, am I materialistic as fuck or what? Geez... Maybe I’ve just been so deprived for the last year from being so broke that I’m going crazy now that I finally have some money coming in. Idk. Just spilling my thoughts because I feel like there’s so much on my mind.

[yourseedling-blog]

Live a Little

I know it’s probably a bad idea to keep talking to this person even though we both know it’s not going to end with us being together. We decided that we are going to stay the same until we are able to meet up and go out with a bang. Then after that, we’ll end things. Is this a bad idea? Part of me tells me that it is because it’s just prolonging the inevitable: the fact that we cannot be together. But then another part of me is telling me to live a little. Enjoy it for what it is right now, make the memories, and be able to look back on this experience knowing that it made me happy. I feel like I’m always overthinking and trying to calculate every move I make in my life; sometimes it ruins the fun for me. And shouldn’t I want to enjoy life as much as possible while I’m here? I want to feel a love like this, even if it’s just temporary. I don’t want to have any regrets later on about not going for it.

One thing that worries me though is how I’ll handle it when it’s all over. I know that I’ll be strong enough to move on and be mature about it, but let’s be honest... It’s going to suckkkkkk. I’m actually crazy about this person. I would do the craziest, stupidest shit for him including fly to another country to see him. This is totally out of character for me--someone who is usually a big, fat weenie and is afraid to take risks in life. But I think that shows just how much I want this and how strongly I feel about him. I hope it happens. And I hope it’s as beautiful as I’ve imagined when it finally does.

[yourseedling-blog]

Look on the Bright Side

Last night was a particularly rough night. I’ve been really happy for the past month because things have been looking up. I broke free from a suffocating relationship, started at a new job, been working on my weaknesses, and even found someone who made my days better just by talking to them. Also, I went on a little mini vacation to my hometown over the weekend and had a great time. I was on a high once I got back, until last night when things just started falling apart piece by piece.

First, I found out that I didn’t make the dance team I had auditioned for. I was really disappointed in myself ever since my audition because I didn’t think I did the best I could. I let my nerves get to me and I was comparing myself to others around me. I wasn’t exactly expecting to make the team after my poor audition, but it still sucked not seeing my name on the roster.

In addition, it was my first day alone at work yesterday without a trainer. I was feeling a little bit nervous because I didn’t want to mess up or get caught not knowing what to do. I was doing fine the whole time until the last hour when I was scrambling to get things done and had to get a few people to help me. It was very stressful, and I’m in for another shift today in a unit that I haven’t trained in. Hopefully it doesn’t go badly.

Lastly, the person who I’ve been talking to decided that it’d be best if we just remained friends. I was really starting to develop deep feelings for this person and it really hurt. It especially sucks because his reasons were things that I cannot change about myself or work on. They are completely external to us and our relationship, but unavoidable so it made me feel really helpless. On top of having that conversation, I had all my time at work to be alone with my thoughts and it was pretty hard to keep it together during all the stress. All of this at once was too much to handle. I just went straight to my car after I clocked out and let myself break down.

But of course, I can’t let any of this get in the way of my success. All of it is just a lesson to be learned so I can do better next time. Not making the dance team gives me time to take more classes to improve my skill before trying out for a team again so I can feel much more confident in myself. Being alone at work and running into problems helps me learn what I can do to avoid problems for next time. I’m still new at this job and eventually I will get there. And as much as my heart hurts right now and I am missing that person, I am glad that I met them and shared such a beautiful bond with him. I am certain that we can be friends in time. I just need to take some time and figure out myself first.

As bad as things get, there is always a bright side. I promise to always try to see it. Life truly is beautiful, even on the roughest of days.

[yourseedling-blog]

Just some reflecting

I already failed at trying to be better to my mom. I’m pmsing so I lost my temper today when she was accusing me of some shit. I feel awful about it. But what can I do except be better next time. I’m even more frustrated because I blame my hormones, which is something I can’t control. I wish I wasn’t like this. I feel like she’s the only person that I’m like this with, honestly. Why though? That’s so backwards. I should be nice to her, if anyone. Fuck everyone else. That’s my mom.

In other news, I started my new job this week. Today will be my third day. I think I’m learning pretty fast and getting the hang of things well. Everyone is nice and the work is challenging but not too complicated. It’s probably something that I would be really good at. You need to be fast, efficient, and meticulous--definitely my type of work. i just wish I was more confident speaking Vietnamese. There are so many Vietnamese patients at this hospital and some of them don’t speak English. If I can get my Vietnamese to improve, I’ll feel so much more confident doing my job. I even want to work on my basic Spanish skills. I’m feeling motivated and want it to stick around for a while. I don’t want to become jaded this early in the game, even though I have been really tired since working. I already find myself looking forward to the weekend when I don’t have to work. I don’t want it to be that way. Perhaps I just need time to transition back into the working life.

Next week, I’m going to audition for a competitive hip-hop dance crew. I’ve been working on my flexibility and confidence in preparation for it. I really hope I make it and I’m feeling pretty confident that I will. I don’t want to be nervous going into it. That would probably just work against me. It should be a lot of fun.

[yourseedling-blog]

2nd job?

I start at my new job as Patient Ambassador for a hospital in less than a week. It’s a part-time position so I’ll only be working about 4.5 hours/day and 20-25 hours/week. I was thinking of getting a second job as a server just to make extra money and also keep myself busy. But I’m worried that I may be spreading myself too thin working two jobs. Can I do it?

Of course I can do it. It’ll be really hard, no doubt. But I can do it. There’s a small Japanese restaurant looking for part-time servers and I think it would be perfect for me. I could work the lunch shift and then head straight to the hospital for the night shift. My only concerns are whether or not they can be flexible with my schedule. The last thing I want to do is create inconvenience for myself as well as everyone else.

But I want this. I have had so much free time on my hands for the past year so it’s about time I really push myself. It’s decided. After my first day at the hospital next week, I’m going to stop by the restaurant and apply as a server.

[yourseedling-blog]

Something I want to change about myself

I need to stop yelling at my mom.

We butt heads a lot because we’re very similar. We’re both headstrong and like to think we know everything. But that’s no excuse to be disrespectful to the woman who gave my life and raised me to be the person I am today.

I see the flaw in my behavior. I am aware of it. So that makes me responsible to either do something about it or remain a disrespectful child until I eventually come to regret it when my mom is no longer around.

From this day forward, I will put more effort into thinking before I react even if it is just for a split second and ask myself “Should I react this way? Is this the type of person I want to be?” If I do slip up and let my emotions get the best of me, I will forgive myself for being human and apologize to my mom directly and clearly, telling her that I am just emotional and that I mean no respect. Then I will drop it at that. There is no point in getting the last word. Just let her have her way, even if she is wrong. It is not my place to correct her. She is my mother, not my equal.

[yourseedling-blog]

Goals

Jacob told me that writing down your goals makes them that much more real and achievable. If I just keep them in the back of my mind, it’s easy to lose sight of them and forget about what I’m really trying to accomplish in this life. So here is everything that I want for myself from this day onward:

In the next year, I want to be an excellent Patient Ambassador. I want to have worked my way up to full time and gotten to know all of my co-workers and supervisors. I will work on being more social and open with people at my workplace. I also want to be more confident in myself and my ability to do my job. My main objective is to save up money and gain experience.

In the next 2 years, I want to either be promoted to Diet Clerk or accepted into a Dietetic Internship with Master’s Degree program. This is when I want to make moves to advance my dietetic career.

In the next 5 years, I want to have completed by internship and grad school and pass the RD exam. At this time, I want to be practicing as a dietitian and gaining as much knowledge as possible from my experiences at work. I will work to save up money and eventually move out on my own. By this time, I want to be completely self-sufficient and not be relying on my parents for financial help anymore. If life allows it to happen, I’d like to settle down with a partner and start a family around this time.

In the next 10 years, I hope to be happy with my life and my accomplishments. When I feel like the time is right, I’d like to pursue my goal of becoming a lactation consultant and take the necessary steps to make that happen. When I can live comfortably, my ultimate goal is to be able to help out my parents and buy them a nice place to stay after they retire and send them on a luxurious vacation.

For the rest of my life, I want to always love myself and never let anyone or anything come in the way of me and my goals. At the end of the day, the only things that matter to me are my family and what I do in this one short life that I have. I am very confident in what my future holds.

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The Journey to a Better Me

This will be my way to document my goals and new things I learn about myself and the world around me. This is how I will keep myself accountable and be able to look back on how much I’ve changed and grown.