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I’ve never felt so isolated, and alone. I have no family, I finally got into a decent job. I have zero support from anyone, and I feel like just quitting. No body ever talks about the shit a man deals with on a daily basis. Literally everyone demands something of him and if he is having a bad day, he is the bad guy. Every little thing irritated me today, and that made me more upset. I’m so sick of being this pent up ball of emotions that I’m not aloud to voice. I feel like I’m backed into a corner and have no where left to turn or go, I feel as though everyone around me is just waiting for me to fail so they can through it in my face. I feel so unappreciated, unattractive, and used. The daily struggle is only getting worse. I have felt so beside myself in the last year it’s unreal. So much shit had happened and I’ve had no one to fall back on. No one to trust that I can vent too. People these days are so two faced it’s unreal. They wanna find out your weekness and use it against you. How much does a person have to give before they’ve gave all they can?? How long can someone really drag things out to the bitter end because it was easy?? And the biggest question of all.. how long until I am happy again? Like I once was, years ago..
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Love is a fucked up word. It consumes so much in life. False hope. Red flags. Depression. You can give someone the world and it still isn’t enough to get their attention. And you can find the attention you seek from others, but if it’s not from the one who you want it from, you still feel empty inside. It’s hard to put yourself first in almost any situation. Especially when you have others that depends on you, and your happiness is always the last thing on your mind when you have business to take care of. That’s when depression sets in, when you have put so much into making everyone else happy and yet here you are sad and lonely. Asking yourself why you feel this way, when you give so much. Why is self happiness such a hard thing to achieve in life? I still have not figured that out. And at this point I cannnot forsee myself finding it. All I think about 24/7 is how everyone else feels. When deep down inside I’m fighting to keep going, and slowly loosing the battle. When is enough, enough?? To me, seeking happiness for me, would mean sacrificing so much, that in the end isn’t worth it. Being a selfless person is extremely difficult. Sure on the outside, I’m a masculine, rough n tough man, but in side is a daily battle on weather to give up or push harder. And I am no quitter. So push hard it is. Some days it’s hard to find motivation, some days I don’t find it, other days I seem overwhelmed with it. I have felt this way for a few years now and it’s finally gotten to the point where I see there really is a problem. I am not entirely sure how much more a persons mind can handle. The problem with never talking about anything is that it bottles up and causes great anger, towards yourself and others and you often say shit you don’t mean, or act upon things that you would never fathom. What finally made me realize that there is a problem is when someone that means so much to you completely disowns you over somthing that was said in anger, and you feel as though no matter what you do you’ll never get that person back. And that really fucks you up inside. Especially when it is somebody that has meant so much to you your whole life.
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