yuyusuyu - Tumblr blog

yuyusuyu · 1 month

Text

oh this was so good i teared up multiple times

One Day At A Time

seonghwa x reader, yunho x reader

royal?au plus seonghwa and yunho are soldiers so idk what to call this lol

genre and warnings: fluff, angst, suggestive, mention of death and violence, trauma

word count: 18.5k

synopsis: loving seonghwa was like loving the moon. loving yunho was like loving the sun. the story of how you fell in love with seonghwa, one of the king's trusted agent, married him, had a daughter and then lost him forever- and how you fell in love with yunho- also the king's trusted agent, seonghwa's best friend, a loving father to your daughter, and a husband who gave you enough space to grieve seonghwa, and enough time to make you fall in love with him.

You were used to looking out of your window on a whim, as if you would see your husband walking back in his uniform any second now. Of course, that would be a rare coincidence- if you did look up and see him actually walking home. As the wife of a soldier, you were used to feeling disappointed when you would see the empty road that led to your house.

You were also used to the feeling of your heart sinking whenever someone else in uniform stopped by. You couldn’t help the feeling- as someone whose husband was one of the eight trusted agents of the King, you had to be prepared for the worst- even though you knew nothing could ever prepare you for the bad news that was bound to come one day.

But you still weren’t used to opening the door to the man who wore the same uniform as your husband, bore the same titles- both at work and at home.

“Yunho,” you breathed, your heart twisting painfully but you managed to put a smile- the least you could do to return his bright smile. “Come in, it’s cold outside.”

Yunho patted your back- a gesture that had taken you months to get used to. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been well, I was just out collecting berries today,” you said to distract him from scanning you- a habit of his. “You want some?”

Yunho glanced at the small basket that held fresh cherries and he popped one in his mouth, nodding. “Where’s Byeol?”

As if on cue, Byeol, your three years old daughter came rushing in with her usual shout of ‘dad!’, jumping into Yunho’s arms who swung her around and kissed her cheek before hugging her tightly.

You still weren’t used to your daughter calling someone else her father. Every time you saw Yunho and Byeol interacting with each other as if they really were father and daughter, you wanted to go in a corner and cry your heart out. It wasn’t that you weren’t grateful to the love Yunho gave Byeol- he really lived up to being Byeol’s father, he always made sure of that- but it was only that you wished Byeol’s real father had gotten more time with her.

Seonghwa. Byeol’s father. Your first and only love. Now he really was a star, up in the sky, far away from your reach, just like his name.

You broke out of your trance when Yunho looked at you, mumbled something about how you were going to set the table and almost rushed to the kitchen. You took out the hot pot from the oven- a dish you had learned from Seonghwa’s mother- just in time to save it from burning. Setting the plates, you took a few deep breaths, pushing the thoughts of Seonghwa out of your mind- for now.

You could never push him out for long. Something always reminded you of him. Byeol was a living reminder of him too- with eyes just like Seonghwa that made you wonder if he saw the world differently. His eyes just had a different sparkle to them, something you hadn’t seen in someone else’s eyes.

Even Yunho reminded you of Seonghwa at times- especially with his subconscious gestures like patting your back, wiping your mouth if you got something on it, rubbing your hands when it was cold, or just…

Looking at you like he was now. As if he was trying to read you. You could never meet his gaze when he did that. You used to shy away from Seonghwa when he did that as well. You finally looked up and raised your brows, pointing at his plate where you had put a big chunk of the pasta. Yunho exhaled, pouring himself water and taking a few gulps.

“Is everything alright at work?” You managed to ask. You weren’t allowed to ask much, and asking wouldn’t get you answers anyway- Yunho wasn’t allowed to say much about work. You knew that from Seonghwa too- you always teased him and pushed him into telling you something, but he would always laugh and shut you up with either a glare (rarely) or a kiss-

“Yep,” he answered, just like Seonghwa would, with a sideways glance that said he definitely was hiding something. Before you could say anything, Byeol pushed her dark hair back and looked at Yunho.

“I made a gift for you, all by myself!”

Yunho smiled warmly, turning away from the food and shifting all of his attention to Byeol. “Really? What did you make?”

“Do you wanna see?” Byeol’s face lit up and Yunho nodded, laughing when she rushed off and you called after her to at least finish her food before running around. You avoided looking at Yunho, playing with your food instead of eating it. Yunho noticed that.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just don’t have an appetite,” you sighed, resuming eating slowly so he wouldn’t ask you to finish your food. Yunho nodded, resuming eating as well until Byeol came back and handed Yunho a drawing she had made.

“This is me,” she pointed at a little girl she had drawn, all colourful. “This is you, and this is mommy!”

“I see I am in my uniform,” Yunho laughed, ruffling Byeol’s hair, “When did you get so good at drawing? Is my little girl all grown up now?”

“I have always been good!” Byeol pouted.

“But why is mommy not smiling here?” Yunho asked and you stopped eating as you peeked at the drawing. Indeed, the drawing, even though only better than stick figures, you could clearly see the big smiles Byeol had drawn on herself and Yunho.

“I don’t remember how she laughs,” Byeol said, “so I gave her a little smile! She always looks pretty when she smiles!”

You went back to memory lane- a brief moment you recalled when Seonghwa had first told you how pretty you looked when you smiled as he handed you a bouquet of red roses- the first thing he’d ever gotten for you.

“She does,” Yunho smiled at Byeol and glanced at you. You really couldn’t take that look in his eyes- the look that said he was being cautious but also taking a step towards you.

You always pushed him back.

You finished eating the last bite and got up, walked to the sink and dumped your plate, telling the two to call you from outside when they finish eating, leaving Yunho’s eyes following you until you disappeared outside the door into the chilly air of winter. You took a few deep breaths, your breath materialising in the air. You were sure Yunho was disappointed once again, as you had disappointed him so many times in the almost two full years of your marriage with him.

You knew Yunho did not deserve any of this. He had been nothing but a loving father to your daughter, and had tried his best to be a loving husband to you- as far as you’d allow him to go, which wasn’t much. In fact, there wasn’t much ‘love’ in the marriage at all. You two hadn’t even kissed- you refused to count the time you had pecked his lips when you had been in a rather emotional mess. You had asked him to forget about it and he had lived up to the promise, never bringing that moment up again.

Yunho was more of a companion- a friend, if you must. He didn’t come home for long- only on some weekends, and he spent most of that time with Byeol, since you always made sure you were busy doing something when he was here. You were indebted to him though. He was providing you two with a home, with protection from Seonghwa’s enemies who had also taken his life and had threatened to harm his family. In these times, especially with the growing threat on Kingdom of Wonderland, single mothers couldn’t do well on their own, usually taken and sold off to another nation by the enemies that had infiltrated Wonderland in the past decade. The little children met a worse fate.

One reason or another, your and Yunho’s mutual friends, especially Seonghwa’s mother, insisted you marry Yunho. Apparently, he hadn’t really objected, the reason why, you still couldn’t ask him. Perhaps out of love for his comrade and closest partner at work, perhaps because Seonghwa had died while carrying out an operation with Yunho and had taken his last breaths in Yunho’s arms. Maybe Yunho felt guilty about Seonghwa’s death, wondering if he could have prevented it. Maybe, out of guilt, he offered to be a father to Byeol and a husband to you.

You were still thinking about Seonghwa when you felt a jacket being draped on your shoulders- you hadn’t even heard Yunho approach. He gave you a tight-lipped smile as he stood next to you, and you looked at the jacket- the same as Seonghwa’s- then up at him, so tall as he looked ahead at the stretching farm.

“I won’t be home next week, but I expect to return the week after,” he said, “We have to carry out an operation in the neighbouring nation- code red.”

You gulped- Seonghwa had been in a code red operation when he passed away as well. The most dangerous operations were code red. Plus, Yunho didn’t mention which ‘neighbouring’ nation exactly was he going to- there were 3. “Is the whole team going?”

“Yes,” Yunho nodded, “It’s going to be one week there- we move out in three days.” He glanced down at you, his eyes softening when he saw the worry on your face. It gave him a sense of comfort- that you cared, even if it was just a little. “Don’t worry. We will be… fine.”

“I hope so,” you almost whispered, and Yunho knew then that perhaps it was a night like this when Seonghwa had told you he wasn’t going to be home for a while, only to never return. It wasn’t that code red operations meant casualties- sometimes it only meant trespassing the border and meeting up with the spies for an exchange of information. Sometimes it meant engaging in a fight. No one was allowed to share the details with outsiders, so Yunho couldn’t really assure you that it wasn’t going to be dangerous- even exchanging information could go very wrong.

“It’s… going to be okay,” Yunho said and cringed, wishing he hadn’t said that. You didn’t respond, and he continued. “I need to go to the town tomorrow- do you want to tag along? We could get something for you and Byeol and maybe have dinner?”

“I don’t really need anything, but yeah… Byeol has grown taller so we need more clothes,” you hugged yourself. “Should I not cook dinner tomorrow then?”

“Let’s go have a fancy dinner,” Yunho said with a grin, “I’m going to miss that the next few days.”

You smiled- Yunho always managed to earn a smile when he joked around. You wished you could relax more around him, but somehow whenever you were alone with him, you started feeling vulnerable. You did not want to feel that- not for now.

“Sounds good,” you finally said. “How’s Hongjoong?”

“Finally getting used to how loud Wooyoung and San are,” Yunho laughed, “He’s not used to dealing with kids.”

You stifled a laugh- you knew all of Seonghwa’s friends to some extent, and were very well aware of just how loud San and Wooyoung could be. Even Seonghwa, the oldest of his team, would turn into a loud kid whenever they were over. “You should bring them over some time. It’s been too long.”

Yunho raised a brow- that was new. “I should, huh? Maybe next month?”

“Yeah, I’m fine with that,” you nodded. “It’s time I see the team without Seonghwa present.”

Yunho fell silent, looking away. “Even I haven’t gotten used to the absence.”

You looked up at him- he rarely talked about his feelings when it concerned Seonghwa’s absence. Perhaps he, too, was just as traumatised as you, if not more. Perhaps, he had it worse- you wished you had put yourself in his shoes too. You were always so selfish with Seonghwa- as if he had only belonged to you.

“I still feel him,” you whispered. Yunho sighed, putting an arm around your draped shoulder, rubbing. You were stiff for a few moments before you relaxed.

“I do, too,” Yunho whispered. “I sometimes accidentally call out Seonghwa’s name instead of Yeosang’s- he’s been my partner for three years now, you’d think I would get used to it.”

“You don’t,” you wiped a tear, “you can never get used to it.”

Yunho couldn’t stop you as you handed him the jacket and stepped away from him. He frowned, “So what do we do, y/n?”

“I don’t know,” you smiled sadly as you looked back at him. “We keep pretending we’re okay when we’re not. Just like we have for so long. I do it better now, don’t I?”

Yunho wished he could hug you and tell you you didn’t have to do that. That you were allowed to break down and cry for him for as long as you wanted. But your grief… it was like a part of you now.

Yunho recalled the time he had returned from the operation that cost Seonghwa’s life. He had fallen to his knees in front of you, held your hands and cried his heart out. You hadn’t moved until he stopped crying and looked at you, to find your eyes filled with anger.

He still couldn’t get that moment out of his head. You had explained later that you hadn’t been angry at him- you could never be- but you were so angry with Seonghwa for leaving you and his daughter behind. For risking his life when he had just become a father a few months ago. You hadn’t cried properly as well- you always held it in, for Byeol. You had no time and luxury to be emotional. Seonghwa had always told you to be strong if something ever happened to him, so you did just that.

You probably sucked at that. You were anything but strong. The littlest things reminded you of him, and the memory of him followed you everywhere. You sometimes wished you hadn’t met him at all, hadn’t known what it was like to love him and be loved by him. You missed being in his arms, you missed his scent, his touch, everything.

But he had left you with Byeol- a copy of him, both a blessing and a painful reminder of your time with Seonghwa. You sometimes wondered what it would have been like if you didn’t have Byeol- you would have no reason to live.

That’s what you got for loving someone who didn’t know if he would be alive the next moment. Though Seonghwa had taken the initiative in your relationship, he had also given you several chances to back out. He had told you again and again that his work would be a priority. That he would risk his life for Wonderland at any moment. You hadn’t understood the gravity of the situation until it was too late.

And now you were married to practically the same person- Seonghwa’s partner. You couldn’t bring yourself to get attached to him. Not now.

—--------------------

"I really don't think I can wear something like this…"

"You're making it sound like I chose something bad for you," Yunho raised a brow. "Come on, it's just a dress. I'm getting one for our daughter, I'm getting one for you."

Our daughter. Sometimes he said it so spontaneously that for a moment you would forget that Byeol was anything else but his daughter. You looked at Byeol who was pulling at your dress with pleading eyes with hope that you'd agree to buy the emerald green dress Yunho was holding for you.

You supposed Byeol might not be his daughter but Yunho really was her father. She knew none other. It made your heart break-

"Hey? Are you okay?" Yunho asked gently and you blinked, nodding.

"Sorry, just got lost for a second. Now let me see that," you pursed your lips as you held the emerald green gown. It was plain but somehow, the buttons of the same colour running down one sleeve from the neckline gave it an elegant flair. You glanced at Yunho who was looking expectantly at you.

You rolled your eyes in defeat. "Fine. That's the only thing I'm getting."

"Yay!" Byeol immediately held out her hands for Yunho to high-five her and you smiled at their interaction. Yunho took your dress and Byeol's midnight blue dress to get them packed and you looked around, noticing two women, their eyes following Yunho.

Yunho had that air to him, you supposed. A presence that could fill the room. You recalled the time when you had first met Yunho- the first time Seonghwa introduced you to his group of friends. The tall man had stood out not just because of his handsome height but also his personality. You had immediately liked him and found him easy to talk to.

Why was it so difficult to talk to him now?

You wondered that, especially when you came to your bedroom after wrapping up everything in the kitchen, finding your husband reading a book half-lying on the bed.

Probably the fact that you now shared a room had created a distance between you two.

You went to wash up, the memories from 2 years ago making way. After almost a year of grieving, Seonghwa's mother who had spent most of the time with you in his house told you she had to go back now. She had been a great help around, and at times you'd feel like she filled the hole left by your dead mother. She had been no less than a mother to you and had helped you raise Byeol.

It had been a night like this when she had first asked you to move on. You'd looked at her as if she had said something ridiculous, but she sighed.

"I am a soldier's mother, and you are a soldier's wife. We spend most of our lives fearing the worst. When it happens, we don't give in, dear y/n. We grieve but then we stand up, straight. We go along with the flow of life. We keep them in our hearts and we move on."

"But I…" you wiped your tears, "How can I ever move on, mom? How can I stop grieving?"

Seonghwa's mother touched your face gently. "If we actually started grieving… the world would have no more soldiers."

That had made you cry your heart out and then the next day, you were brighter than the day before. The first step you took to move on. For yourself. For your daughter.

And a month later, when his mother packed her bags, promising to visit often, she made you sit with her with a cup of tea.

"I really think you should marry again," she said and the teacup almost fell from your hands. "Byeol needs a father. You need a husband. You cannot do this alone- especially with Wonderland in this state."

"Remarry?" You scoffed. "I'm sorry but I cannot imagine living with someone else, mother. I can't even think of someone else. What gave you this ridiculous idea?"

She gave you a side-eye, but sighed as she began. "I think you should really think this over. You're still so young. And Byeol… if Wonderland was in a better state and we were safe, I would have supported your stance of being independent and single for the rest of your life. I would have let you go at your pace, maybe meet someone and fall in love again and so on. But with our enemies targeting the soldier's families, and especially the circumstances of Seonghwa's death… I can't let you be alone anymore."

"I understand your stance, mom, but I simply cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And I can fend for myself. I can try. I will move somewhere else if I have to-”

"No… stay here. Seonghwa's house is yours now," his mother said. "but… Seonghwa would have wanted you to move on, y/n. And what I have in mind for you… I'm sure he would be happy for you and him."

"Him?" Your heart sank. "Don't tell me I'm the last person learning about this."

"It isn't anything like that-"

"Who did you talk to?"

Seonghwa's mother matched your glare but then gave in, sighing. "I didn't exactly talk, mind you. I was just talking to him about you and your situation and wondered out loud about who you could marry. And then…"

"Who was it?"

"Yunho," she sighed and you exhaled, looking away. "He's always visited in his free time. Byeol is so attached to him- she doesn't recognize anyone else but Yunho, out of all of Seonghwa's friends. He's been a father to her, you have to admit."

"I agree that he's doing his best, but I'm pretty sure part of it is out of his guilt and trauma other than the friendship he had with Seonghwa. And how could you even ask him something like that! What would he think of us!"

"He actually didn't hate the idea," Seonghwa's mother smiled knowingly. "He didn't really give me a reaction-"

"He's a soldier, mother," you rolled your eyes. "He's trained not to give reactions-"

"Shush," she slapped your hand lightly and you gaped at her. "He would have said no if he didn't like the idea- he's known me all his life. But he didn't really say anything. That means he's considering it."

"Pretty sure he's trying to find a way to turn your offer down politely," you muttered, groaning and hiding your face in your hands. "I am mortified. How will I face him when he comes to visit?"

"He said he'll talk to you," she got up, leaving you mortified right then. "He's coming next week."

The whole week had been disastrous for you-, trying to find and memorise the words to politely turn him down if he suggested this as well, trying to be less mortified and humiliated by the whole situation, finding yourself spacing out more often.

And then Yunho finally came. The awkwardness in the air was making you suffocate. Yunho and you used to be comfortable enough that he'd play with Byeol and you'd disappear somewhere in the kitchen or in your room, or sit and watch them with a book in your hand, or you'd hear him tell stories about Seonghwa to Byeol-

Really, he was telling you. You'd silently cry or laugh, and then he'd inquire about your health, tell you that he worries about you two a lot.

That night, when Byeol fell asleep in his arms, you took her to the bed and that's when Yunho finally cleared his throat and asked if Seonghwa's mother had said something about him.

You considered lying but decided to address the elephant in the room. You nodded, and Yunho asked you to take a walk with him.

"I thought about it, and to be honest, for once I don't know what to do," he laughed a little. "So I just thought I'd talk to you."

"Honestly, I cannot imagine being with anyone else, Yunho," you said.

"Of course," he nodded, understanding.

"But Byeol… she's attached to you. She doesn't know who her father is. She won't understand that she doesn't have a father for a good while. I fear the day that she would start to mourn her father, but I think it would be easier for her if she had someone like you by her side… someone to fill the gap. Even without being my husband, you're doing an exceptional job."

Yunho raised a brow as he smiled. "I never intended to be that for her, but somehow… holding Byeol in my arms makes me feel like I'm making Seonghwa proud."

You smiled at that. Seonghwa would definitely be glad for all the love his friends showered Byeol with- not just Yunho. The others visited every other week as well. "The only reason I'm agreeing to remarry is because of Byeol. I gave it a lot of thought. I don't really need a husband, but Byeol needs a father."

"I understand."

"But Yunho," you paused and finally turned to lock eyes with him. "You're young. You have a whole life ahead of you. I don't want you to be bound by me and Byeol. I can't do this to you. I can remarry, yes, but it doesn't have to be you- I just can't do this to you because I don't think I can give you the love a wife is supposed to give her husband-"

"Hey, hey," Yunho rubbed your shoulders and you looked up at the night sky, tearing up when you saw a single bright star. "I know. I don't expect you to love me. I don't expect anything from you. And if you really don't want me, I won't do this. But I'm so attached to Byeol. Is there anyone else who could love her the way I love her?"

That made you sob harder. It was the first time Yunho hugged you after the day Seonghwa passed away. You let yourself cry in his arms, shaking your head but he held you, firm, secure, and surprisingly but maybe not so, you felt safe in his arms.

"If you allow me to, I can be a friend to you, nothing more, but a father to Byeol. I'll make sure she learns all about Seonghwa and how brave her father was."

You cried harder again and he laughed a little as he drew you back, shaking his head. "Don't cry. Seonghwa always hated when you'd cry."

You nodded, wiping your face. "You're right- I can't think of anyone else who could do justice to Byeol and be her father. But Yunho… I can't do this to you. You deserve a loving wife. Your own family."

"You are my family, even now," Yunho leaned down and squeezed your shoulder. "It's your decision. Honestly, I was conflicted as well, but now I'm sure I can do this, if you allow me to. I've made my choice."

You looked at him- really looked at him for the first time. "You'll be shackled to me. Why are you doing this to yourself, I'm wondering."

Yunho stood back up, a faint smile on his face. "I think I won't have a problem with that."

2 years passed and you still wondered what exactly he meant by that, because never did he actually make a move on you. He never initiated anything, and neither did you (if we forget about that one time). He had been nothing but patient, especially during the first few months of the marriage. It was just like before- him visiting on weekends-

Except that now, he stayed. And you shared a room with him.

Perhaps, this was something you could never get used to. Him, in the same room as you, the four walls making the room feel smaller than it was whenever he was present. Even now, he was only half lying on the bed and reading a book but you…

You could never get used to this. Especially when he glanced at you and his eyes would stay on you a second longer than usual before going back to whatever he was doing.

You sighed, sitting in front of the mirror and drying your hair, watching him through the mirror, your eyes accidentally meeting once. After spending a few minutes there, you finally came to your side of the bed.

For better or for worse, Yunho was actually aware in his sleep. He'd never invade your space and never make your bed feel small. As if he was trying to make sure you didn't feel his presence when you slept. You used to have Byeol with you both in the middle since Byeol used to wake up at night quite often, and Yunho was a great help. He'd offer to hold Byeol and put her to sleep and do anything to help you. It was the reason why sleeping with him wasn't awkward at first, not that much, since technically, it was just like taking a nap and taking care of Byeol.

And then Byeol got big enough to have her own room, and you two found yourself alone in your room. Yunho offered to start sleeping on the couch if it was too awkward for you, just like he had when he first got here.

But you stopped him for the same reason you did later. Your terrifying nightmares. The cherry on the top.

All you asked of him was to tell you what was real whenever you woke up unable to breathe. And he did without fail. He would hold your hand, push your hair back and tuck them behind your ears and hold your face if you shook too hard. He'd tell you what was real. And then he'd hold your hand as you cried and went back to sleep, sometimes closer to him than you would actually like.

And you'd always apologise to him. He only came on the weekends and he wouldn't even get to sleep peacefully.

"I'm never sleeping peacefully, I have to be on my toes even when asleep," he would laugh and dismiss your apology. "I'm okay with this."

You turned off the lamp on your side and Yunho gently asked if you wanted him to turn off his lamp too, but you insisted you were fine, drawing the covers on yourself.

"Thank you for the dress," you finally said, realising you never actually thanked him earlier. "It's beautiful."

Yunho smiled, not looking away from his book. "Thank you for accepting it. I wish you'd accept more."

"I have improved, you have to admit," you said and Yunho raised a brow, surprised to find you teasing him. You kept a straight face but he always saw through you.

"Can you wear it the next time I come home?"

It was your turn to raise a brow and look at him. "I guess I could. Should I expect someone else?"

"Only me," his voice was thick- like it was at nights when you two talked lightly. It overwhelmed you sometimes.

"Uh… yeah. I could. It's only a dress. Let's pray Byeol doesn't decide to improve the dress this time, huh?"

Yunho laughed, recalling the time he'd bought a beige dress for you and showed it to Byeol, planning to gift it to you on your birthday and Byeol had, on her own, decided that the dress missed something, and had sketched flowers with your lipstick. You all had a good laugh over it and thankfully, after two washes the dress was saved.

"How have you been, y/n?" Yunho asked and you knew he was asking about your nightmares and insomnia.

"Better, but they still come sometimes, the nightmares," you sighed. "Last night was the first time I slept properly this whole week."

You didn't know but when you said stuff like this… Yunho felt a sense of pride. Was it his company that made you sleep better? He wished he had contributed to your better quality of sleep in some way. "So no nightmares this week but you stay up late? What do you do?"

"The usual- paint or read or just stay up and think."

Think about Seonghwa. Think about Yunho.

You had been thinking about Yunho a lot too. You wondered if you had made the wrong decision in marrying him sometimes. You looked at Yunho. "Can you tell me something? Truthfully?"

Yunho nodded and you continued. "Do you regret marrying me? Do you regret anything about this… marriage?"

Yunho took a deep breath and looked away, thinking. "If there's one thing I regret… it is that I am unable to make you happy."

Now that was something you did not expect and you found yourself speechless. Yunho smiled sadly, putting the book back on the side table and before he could turn off the lamp, you tugged at the sleeve of his shirt, drawing his attention.

"You… you've done so much for me that if there's any way to sum it up, I have to say that I am in your debt." Yunho was about to protest when he heard that but you put a finger on your mouth, indicating to him to hear you out. "When I see you interact with Byeol, I am the happiest mother. Whatever you do for me and have done for me… it's more than enough."

Yunho held your hand, caressing it. "I always gave you whatever you wanted. Space. A friend. A father to your daughter- our daughter. And at times, a husband to you. I want you to know that whatever you ask from me… it's never gonna be too much. I haven't done enough for you."

"But you have," you smiled sadly, trying not to cry because how could he be such an angel?

Yunho shook his head furiously. "You can ask anything of me, you know that. And I'll give you all the time in the world to open up to me. We've come a great way these past three years, haven't we?"

You nodded. He continued, "I just wish you'd talk to me more. I'm only here on the weekends and we only get to talk at night time. Even if you miss Seonghwa and want to talk about him, you know I'm here."

"Thank you," you nodded. It was unfair to him when you didn't even talk to him much, you realised. "I'm sorry, I just… his death anniversary is approaching soon. You know how it gets."

He nodded, shifting so he was sitting now. "Will you come here?" He patted the space next to him and you paused for a moment but then figured you needed a shoulder tonight and sat next to him. He put an arm over your shoulders.

"Seonghwa… When he loved someone, he loved them with his entire heart. People like you and me… we think we gave him all our heart too, but really, no one loves like Seonghwa does."

"That's true," you smiled. "He was different."

"He was," Yunho nodded. "He spent all his life giving and receiving love. That's a life well-lived, isn't it?"

"Definitely."

"I never told you, but Seonghwa said something to me right before his last breath," Yunho said and your eyes went wide as you looked at Yunho. "He told me to take care of Byeol and you."

"He did?" You sighed, biting your lip to stifle the emotions making way.

"Actually, he only mentioned Byeol," Yunho said and you looked at him, shaking your head.

"That makes it more believable, yes. He used to tease me about how he forgot all about me after Byeol. In fact, he started calling Byeol his first love."

Yunho laughed lightly. "He mentioned Byeol, but I saw the worry in his eyes was for you."

You took a few deep breaths, finally putting your head on Yunho's shoulder. "Do you feel burdened by it?"

"I think I would have done everything I did either way."

You wiped your eyes and Yunho held you closer, letting the few silent tears drop. "I used to wonder what I did to deserve Seonghwa. Now I wonder if all the good I did is what got me and Seonghwa together. Then what did I do to deserve you, Yunho?"

Yunho only ran his hand through your hair, comforting you, not meeting your eyes when you kept looking at him. You took a deep breath, your hand slowly and hesitantly going to hold his face and turn him to meet your eyes, finding his eyes damp as well. "You probably hate me. I make you feel like we're going somewhere and then I push you away. I'm sorry."

"I don't hate you, I could never," Yunho held your hand that was still on his face. "Don't ever think like that."

You nodded, the two of you staring at each other, the electricity thick between you two. You unconsciously licked your lips, making his eyes fall on your lips and then as if coming out of a trance, he drew your hand down and looked away from you.

You had always suspected somewhere along the way, Yunho had started liking you. Genuinely like you as his partner. Were you ready to return your feelings for him? Would acting impulsively be a mistake? You didn't want to take a step, give him hope and then draw away from him. That would be cruel.

So you only leaned forward and lightly kissed his cheek before drawing back and turning off the lamp. You heard him lightly groan as if it was too much for him.

"I'm sorry- I should have asked."

"It's not that… it's okay, y/n," you heard him shift and turn towards you. "I won't be home for two weeks… can I hold your hand tonight?"

You knew what he meant. He was like Seonghwa, in that sense.

After your marriage with Seonghwa, when the first time he had to leave for a code red operation, he had held you all night, more closely than you thought possible. You later asked him what happened with a laugh but he shook his head with a sad smile.

"Before I met you, I had nothing to be afraid of. I would go to sleep like any other night, even before the most dangerous missions. But now… I can't seem to calm myself."

You narrowed your eyes at him, "Are you saying you're afraid of me?"

Seonghwa laughed- he liked it when you made joke of his misery "It's not that, stupid. You know what I mean."

You laughed, spreading your arms and he came to hug you. You rested your head on his shoulder. "Do I finally make you worry about your life?"

"Exactly," he hugged you tighter. "I don't want to lose you."

Perhaps Yunho felt the same way as Seonghwa. Perhaps he too, was scared of losing his life now, not for himself but for you and Byeol.

"I should have known," you said to Yunho. "You should tell me when you're afraid or scared, Yunho. It's the least you can do for me."

He only held your hand tighter. "I didn't use to be. It wasn't always like this."

"That's exactly what Seonghwa said. You're afraid you'll lose us, isn't that so?"

"Yeah," Yunho sighed.

"Do you want to know what I told him? The same thing I'm telling you now. That if anything happens to you, I'll be the one losing everything. So make sure you return."

Yunho was silent for a few moments and then he brought your hand up to kiss it. "Thank you for telling me that. It means… a lot to me."

Your heart swelled when you heard that. You decided then that what he needed tonight was you, so you shifted closer, burying your head in his chest and he hesitantly hugged you as the two of you tried sleeping.

—-----------------

It was the next weekend that the knock on your door gave you a little scare- it was almost 8 pm. For a second, your heart jumped, wondering if Yunho got an early leave, but then it followed by fear that it could be someone to deliver bad news or someone else entirely-

You were surprised to open the door to a face you had almost forgotten. You frowned but then you gasped in realisation. “Dani?”

“It’s really you, y/n!” She smiled, stretching her arms and you immediately hugged her. “It’s been years!”

“It has! How come I didn’t hear that you’re back? Come right in-”

“No, my son’s waiting for me, look over there,” she pointed to the carriage across the road. “I’ve only just arrived, I hope to see you at the dinner we’re having soon- we’re inviting all of the neighbourhood on dinner two weeks from now, I came to personally give you this message and ask you to join-”

“Mommy?” Byeol’s voice rang and when she appeared in Dani’s vision, she looked at Byeol in surprise.

“She looks just like Seonghwa! Congratulations! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you had a daughter!”

“I’m sorry, things had been rough,” you bit your lips, noticing the boy get off the carriage and wave at you. You gestured to Dani and she sighed.

“I have to go. Let’s catch up on dinner. I want all three of you to come, you better bring Seonghwa with you!”

Before you could protest or give her another news, she rushed back with a wave. You laughed at how she was just the same as three years ago- hyper, funny and bright. As soon as you shut the door and looked at Byeol, you realised that the dinner was going to be tough.

Dani was one of your oldest friends, and one of the few people who knew about your marriage with Seonghwa. After a year of your marriage, she moved to another town because of her husband’s job, but you two kept in touch through letters.

A year later, you had Byeol- you had wanted to give her a surprise after your child was born. But only two months later, Seonghwa passed away. You never replied to any of the letters and then you moved here, in Yunho’s house, a year after your marriage with Yunho, telling Seonghwa’s mother to use the house as she pleased- you couldn’t live in Seonghwa’s house with all of the memories and not see him but Yunho instead.

It was a huge coincidence that Dani somehow became your neighbour and found you. You did not know how to explain what happened after she left. You thought about writing her a letter, but that wouldn’t be fair to her.

You spent the next week stressing over it, running across Dani while doing grocery and about to break the news to her, but then she asked if Seonghwa was doing well, and you couldn’t help but nod and leave it at that, regretting it later. But you did not want to break the news to her in public.

It was finally Friday afternoon. You got Byeol ready, having a little fun with her when she took a bath, drying her hair and styling it into two braids which made her look the cutest, letting her run along to her room where she played with her toys. Meanwhile, you stood holding the emerald gown in front of yourself and looking at the mirror.

Was it the first time you were going to dress up for Yunho?

It wasn’t the first time he had brought you a dress, no. But it had been the first time he asked you to wear it at a specific time- his arrival. It made everything feel different, especially with how the two of you opened up to each other after so long. One step closer.

With a faint smile on your face, you decided this was the least you could do for him. You always wanted to look pretty in front of Seonghwa. With Yunho, you hadn’t really paid much attention to how you looked- but you could start.

Especially because Yunho was, if you were honest, always a sight for sore eyes. He looked incredibly good in his uniform, in all black, just like Seonghwa did.

After changing, you turned around, admiring how well the dress fit. Yunho had a good eye, it seemed. You pinned your hair back from the front and decided that would do, applying a little makeup like you usually did. You looked much better than usual with just a little effort and that made you wonder if you should put in more effort from now on.

When the knock sounded, Byeol ran to open the door and you called her, laughing at how she rushed. She opened the door after peeking through the window, hugging Yunho immediately and he picked her as he came inside, kissing her cheek repeatedly and tickling her.

You waited for him to drop her down and when he finally did as he was standing up, he paused for a moment before smiling and walking towards you, stopping in front of you.

“Have you been well?”

“I have,” you nodded. “I hope everything went smoothly?”

“It did,” he nodded, hesitating before cupping your face with one hand and caressing it for a moment. “You look beautiful.”

Your heart did a few jumps and you thanked him. He turned to Byeol, motioning her to come to him and she did, doing a little twirl along the way.

“How do I look?” She asked.

“Let’s see… the cutest I’ve ever seen,” Yunho announced and she did a little happy dance. You went to the kitchen and called them, serving dinner. Yunho told Byeol the story of his journey- he said he made it up, but you were sure it was some truth mixed with a little imagination. It made Byeol feel very adventurous, as if there was nothing that could stop her from going on the same path as her father-

As Yunho and Seonghwa. Both.

You sometimes wonder if she really would decide to go on the same path. Would you stop her? Would Yunho stop her? You weren’t sure.

After wrapping up the kitchen while Byeol and Yunho sat in front of the fire and played, you noticed Byeol was half asleep in his arms. It always made you smile- how safe Byeol felt in Yunho’s arms when she wasn’t the type to open up to everyone.

Yunho noticed you and motioned for you to help pick Byeol up and you did, going to her room and tucking her in. Yunho kissed her forehead before turning on a small lamp and leaving the room with you.

“Tea?” You offered.

“I’ll make it,” Yunho said and you sat in front of the fire, recalling the time you had first dressed up for Seonghwa and he had looked at you with such love in his eyes that you had almost cried. And then he had called you beautiful- just like Yunho had tonight.

Yunho cleared his throat, breaking you out of your trance and you took the teacup from him, taking a sip while Yunho settled himself on the couch in front of you.

"The boys are coming over tomorrow," Yunho reminded you and you nodded- you had been making sure everything was perfect for the past two days.

"Let's see who manages to win Byeol's heart this time," you smiled.

"Is there anything you need for tomorrow? I could get it in the morning-"

"No, it's alright. I’m fully prepared. I didn't have anything to do anyway so I just made sure we had enough food and wine for tomorrow."

"Sounds good," he sighed. "It's really been a while since we all gathered like this, hasn't it?"

You nodded. The boys hadn't paid a visit together, they would come alone or in pairs. You didn't mind either way. You liked having someone who would share Seonghwa's memories with you. In fact, that was the part you liked best.

"Anything happen while I was gone?"

You considered telling him about Dani, but figured you could tell him later and shook your head. "Nothing important. Just some neighbours being nosy, as usual. I shut them up with an apple pie."

"Good move," Yunho laughed, and the two of you drank the rest of your tea in silence, staring at the fire.

Being with Yunho, sitting in silence like this gave you a sense of comfort but also made you a little nervous. Your eyes trailed from his feet up to his outfit- black pants, black fitted shirt, the half sleeves really proving how well-built he was. You noticed a little scratch that ran down his forearm, and another down his neck-

Yunho caught you looking at him. To save yourself, you pointed at the scratches. Yunho hadn’t even noticed the scratch on his arm. “Would you believe me if I told you it was from a cat?”

You gaped at him. “There’s no way. Cats love you.”

Cats did, in fact, love him. Dogs did as well. It was the reason why there were so many cats and dogs around your house- Byeol would always spend hours in the afternoon playing with them. Sometimes you wonder if everyone but you loved him-

“I got too friendly with a cat, if you can believe me,” he scoffed. “Didn’t go well.”

“That’s unbelievable, actually,” you crossed your legs. “But if that’s true, you might want to get a bit too friendly with the cats outside. Byeol has made it her life’s mission to adopt every cat that even looks this way.”

Yunho laughed. “It keeps her busy, doesn’t it?”

“Keeps me busy too,” you nodded. “We leave the door open so they come and go as please- or I shoo them off.”

“And the dogs? I saw a really large cute one earlier-”

“You’ll instigate a war between cats and dogs at this rate, Yunho,” you gave him a side-eye, “Byeol is always trying to make peace and I get scared sometimes.”

“Oops,” Yunho pretended to look sorry but failed. “I’ll… do something about it.”

“Do tell Byeol whatever you plan to do because if one cat or dog goes missing, she raises hell.”

“That’s very much like Seonghwa,” Yunho laughed. “When we used to camp on the border, he’d share his ration with the animals and then steal food from us.”

You scoffed but smiled. “No wonder. Like father, like daughter. She keeps stealing something from the kitchen if she thinks one of her friends is hungry.”

“Let’s hope she shows the same spirit tomorrow with the animals coming…”

Byeol didn’t, at least for a while.

“She’s so shy and cute, I love it,” Wooyoung said, munching on a piece of garlic bread as he settled back on the sofa in defeat. “Mark my words, she’s gonna get the most friendly with me first.”

“No, it’s gonna be me,” Hongjoong slapped Wooyoung’s hand, drawing Byeol’s attention as he motioned her to come to him but Byeol only hid further in Yunho’s arms, making everyone laugh.

“She’s being mischievous, look at that smile!” Mingi said. Indeed, Byeol was passing sly looks to everyone.

“Let’s place bets,” San announced. “I’m betting on myself.”

Jongho scoffed. “Wooyoung’s going to win, San.”

San watched in horror as Wooyoung and Jongho clapped. Hongjoong betted on himself out of spite and Yunho betted on Wooyoung as well. Mingi followed, which left Yeosang and you.

“I wish I could not bet on Wooyoung, but it is Wooyoung,” he said and Wooyoung yelled in victory. Everyone looked at you to hear your final verdict as the mother.

“Well,” you scratched your chin, smiling. “It’s hard not to love Wooyoung, isn’t it?”

The silence that drew made you raise your brow. Hongjoong nodded slowly. “Did Seonghwa say that?”

It took you a moment to realise that indeed, you were quoting Seonghwa. You nodded and Wooyoung sighed, looking up, Yeosang rubbing his back. You were scared for a moment but then Wooyoung looked at you.

“He was very right,” Wooyoung grinned. “I am very hard not to love. Which is why… I win! And I’m gonna prove it! Byeol-ah, let’s play with the cats!”

That immediately caught Byeol’s attention and she hesitantly made way to Wooyoung and he took her outside. Hongjoong, who was sitting next to you, patted your shoulder. “You want to take a walk?”

You followed him outside, watching Wooyoung and Byeol play like old friends in the garden for a while and having a laugh over it before resuming walking. Hongjoong glanced at you, watching your feet with every step you took.

“How have you been, y/n?” He asked, and you knew what he meant.

“I’m… better. Sometimes I think I’m better and then something happens and I’m back to where I was.”

“Is it still too hard to think of him?” He asked.

“I don’t cry every time I think of him, that’s definitely an improvement,” you looked at Hongjoong and he nodded. “But then something reminds me of him so intensely that all of it comes like a crashing wave.”

“I understand,” he sighed. “I’ve gotten better too, especially since San and Wooyoung joined my team. They don’t even let me breathe.”

You laughed. “One thing I know is that you can’t push the memories back and shut them in a box. You… live with them.”

“That’s true,” Hongjoong asked. “And… How's Yunho?”

Hongjoong had never asked anything about you and Yunho before. Even though he was probably your closest friend, he had never done that, perhaps fearing it would be interference since you were a married couple now. So you raised a brow in question. “What exactly do you mean?”

“He’s had it tough too, being Seonghwa’s partner for the longest time. Does he talk about it to you? Because he hasn’t been talking much to us either. I’m actually worried about him.”

You frowned- Yunho always looked so optimistic, so cheerful. His presence could lift your mood, even when you did not want it. You wondered if he hurted more than you- but perhaps, you couldn’t weigh it. What he had with Seonghwa would never be the same as what you had with Seonghwa- they were two different relationships, and you couldn’t say one mattered more.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked-”

“No, it’s okay,” you shook your head. “I’m just… surprised, is all. Yunho’s always so bright and cheerful at home, I never noticed that it was because he’s keeping it all in. I thought he talked to one of you.”

“And we were thinking he’d finally talked to you,” Hongjoong smiled. “We were all wrong, eh?”

You sighed, nodding. “I… Yunho and I… we don’t really talk much about Seonghwa. We do talk- we don’t pretend the ghost of his memory is not with us, but… I guess you could say we haven’t really had a heart to heart conversation yet. He’s only home during the weekends and I really don’t wanna spoil the time he gets to rest with me being a mess and whatnot-”

“You both need to talk, dear,” Hongjoong said. “Yunho's been a bit distracted at work recently. You know it could cost his life- being distracted. I thought something happened between you two, maybe a fight or something, but it seems like everything’s just the way it always has been?”

“Yeah, you could say,” you nodded. “I actually asked him if he regretted marrying me.” Hongjoong narrowed his eyes at you and you slapped his arm. “Just listen. He said he did not. He only regrets that he can’t make me happy. He…”

You recalled what he had said that night-

"I just wish you'd talk to me more. I'm only here on the weekends and we only get to talk at night time. Even if you miss Seonghwa and want to talk about him, you know I'm here."

“I’m realising that maybe I really should talk. I’ve been such a bad person and wife, Hongjoong, I don’t know what to do about it. The shame, the disappointment in my own self, it eats me up sometimes. And everytime Yunho does something that reminds me of Seonghwa, I just…”

“Hey, it’s okay to feel that way,” Hongjoong rubbed your back. “You haven’t been a bad person or wife, you just needed time to heal and so did he. And Seonghwa… he’s always gonna come back in your head. But you don’t cry anymore. You smile when you think of him, okay? Can you do that for him?”

You laughed as you wiped a few tears away. Hongjoong continued, “You also shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything. Just… go along with the flow. It’s been three years since Seonghwa passed away- it’s time you stop crying- it breaks my heart that it still hurts you like it happened yesterday. Think about how sad and sorry Seonghwa would be if he learned you’re in this state even now.”

“I know that,” you stifled your tears. “I just… I’m trying. I’m getting there. I’ll get there.”

“I believe in you. And next time you open up to someone about how you feel and how you miss Seonghwa… it should be Yunho.”

“But you’re my big brother, aren’t you?” You said, laughing because you used to call him that when Seonghwa was alive. Seonghwa called Hongjoong ‘little brother’ and you’d team up with Hongjoong to tease Seonghwa.

“I still am, and you can still talk to me about anything,” he shook his head, smiling. “But Yunho… he needs that too. Do you understand?”

“I do,” you nodded. “I’ll really try. God, Yunho reminds me so much of Seonghwa, it just gets strange sometimes.”

“But Yunho is very different from Seonghwa too, isn’t he?” Hongjoong smiled.

He is, you knew that. Even though he was much like Seonghwa, he was very different as well. Perhaps it made it harder for you, or perhaps, that was just an excuse to justify the reason you found it hard to open up to him.

But it wasn’t about you anymore. You needed Yunho to open up to you. As a friend, you had to do that. As a wife, you should do that. He needed a shoulder as much as you needed one.

That night, you asked Yunho how it felt to have everyone home but Seonghwa. Yunho raised a brow, as if he should have asked this question. And he said exactly that.

“I’ve been seeing the boys without Seonghwa for a long time now- I guess it was a little different now that they were all here. How do you feel? Are you okay?"

"It was a good idea to have them all over,” you smiled. “It felt like Seonghwa was there too, didn’t it?”

Yunho smiled, looking down and he nodded. You scooted closer to him, putting a hand on his arm. “Hongjoong tells me you’re distracted at work. What’s the matter, Yunho?”

“Hongjoong said that?” Yunho was surprised. “I’m not exactly distracted. I’m fine-”

“You know you can talk to me, right?” You tugged his sleeve, making him lock eyes with you. “I know I haven’t been the best person ever and I don’t talk about myself much, but I want to start, Yunho. I also want to be someone you can talk to about anything. Can you do that?”

Yunho was confused, if he was honest. He always felt like everytime that you two made a little progress, you’d have some sort of a realisation- or worse, breakdown- when he was away, and you’d turn into the same old person who watched everything but said nothing, who never talked about her feelings, never opened up. He sometimes wondered if you hated him.

“I can, but… I’m also afraid of being hurt, y/n, by you.”

It felt like a wake-up call that you needed. So that’s how he thinks.

“I- I never thought about it like that…” you admitted, hugging yourself. “I’ve been selfish, haven’t I?”

“You are allowed to be selfish,” Yunho wore a sad smile as he said that. “About Seonghwa, at least. But… I don’t know. I know I said I’ll give you all the time in the world to open up to me, but I… I want to get closer to you because everytime I go on a mission, I realise that I don’t have the luxury of ‘time’.”

You nodded, biting your lips. Seonghwa didn’t have the luxury of time either, which was why whenever he was with you, he always made the most out of every moment. You two never wasted time on useless arguments (unless it was for fun’s sake) or fights.

“Sometimes I think I have you, y/n,” he tucked the hair that hid your face behind your ear and you felt overwhelmed by the emotions in his eyes. He dropped his hand. “And sometimes… you’re gone, just like that.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, that’s what’s funny about this situation,” Yunho sighed. “I feel like the bad guy everytime I talk about myself-”

“You’re making me feel like the bad guy now, thank you,” you laughed and Yunho shrugged. You crossed your legs, taking his hands and playing with them in your lap- it was the first time you really looked at his hands- how long his fingers were, how pretty his hands were. The callouses, the toughness of his hands… it was just like Seonghwa’s, yet at that moment, you didn’t really think of Seonghwa. You only saw Yunho- his hands that made you feel so safe these days.

“Can we put away our past, Yunho? Can we start new? I want to try being your wife, and by that, I mean… an actual wife. I want to be your friend. I want you to open up to me, and I want to open up to you too. I want to cook your favourite food when you come home, I want to take walks with you. I also want you to hold me if sometimes I miss Seonghwa too much and break down. And if I push you away again, I want you to run after me. Can we do that?”

Yunho’s hands trembled a little. He didn’t say anything, just watched you as your small hands held his, caressing them so delicately.

“You can take your time too,” you said. “But tonight… I want you to talk about Seonghwa. I want you to tell me if it’s hard at work. I want you to tell me if you miss him, because you always listen to me, but you’re keeping it all in, and it’s killing you, I can see it now. Why haven’t you talked to the boys, Yunho?”

“They all miss him too,” Yunho sighed. “But I… I’m burdened by his last moments. I’m burdened by the fact that I was leading the team and Seonghwa died during that mission. I always wonder if I had done one thing different-”

He looked down and his body shook. You pursed your lips to stifle your own tears and pulled him into a hug. “Let it all out. You can cry here.”

Yunho did, and it was the most heartbreaking thing ever. You couldn’t help but cry along with him. You told him again and again that it wasn’t his fault.

“It’s foolish to think of different scenarios that could have prevented his death. He was a soldier- one day or another, soldiers all meet the same fate. He was one of the King’s most trusted agents. He did his job. And he died a proud soldier, Yunho. Don’t ever think that it was your fault.”

Yunho nodded, breaking the hug and wiping his face. You rubbed his shoulders. “You’ve been so brave, going back to doing the same job again. You’re so strong. You’ve been so strong for me and Byeol too. So when you feel like this again… you talk to me, okay? I’m here for you like you’ve been here for me.”

Yunho nodded, and you leaned forward to kiss his cheek, lingering for a moment and then Yunho scooted to rest his back, holding you in his arms. “Thank you for tonight.”

You rested your head on his chest, feeling his steady heartbeat. “Thank you for everything, Yunho. Let’s be… best friends. That’s the least we can be, isn’t it?”

Yunho chuckled. “What have we been till now?”

“Housemates, I like to think,” you giggled, and Yunho thought it was the loveliest sound he had heard.

“I love that you tease and joke with me now. Please… let’s stay like this, y/n. At least like this.”

You nodded, and the two of you fell asleep in each other’s arms after more teasing.

—----------------

It was the Friday of the next week that you remembered that you had forgotten about Dani and her housewarming dinner. And… you had forgotten to tell Yunho too.

Yunho wasn’t going to be a problem- he would love to visit Dani, you were aware of that. The problem was, Dani still thought Seonghwa was alive. She wasn’t aware of Yunho’s existence. And tomorrow night, when everyone in the neighbourhood will be present… you prayed that Dani could hold herself from a loud reaction, at least. The people who knew about your situation already looked at you funny.

Yunho was going to arrive in a few hours on his weekly break. You contemplated telling him about the situation- maybe you could visit Dani earlier with Yunho and let her know everything, but…

You really couldn’t handle telling Dani everything, was what you were afraid of.

To be fair, you hadn’t really sat and talked about everything that came to happen in one sitting. And you were afraid you were going to create a scene when you finally did. Just thinking about it made your chest tight and want to break down all over again.

Your train of thoughts were broken when you heard the kettle boil. You sighed, turning off the stove and staring into space until you felt Byeol tug at your dress.

“It’s time to feed the cats, mommy.”

You nodded, patting her cheek and she rushed outside with a giggle. You shook your head, smiling faintly as you mixed your tea and followed her outside with the leftovers from last night, asking Byeol to do the deed.

Byeol, happy with the responsibility, took the box from you and gathered the bowls- and the cats- and started putting equal amounts of food in the bowls. You heart swelled with adoration, thanking fates for blessing you with a sensible and lovely daughter, wondering how lucky you had been to have raised her right, but you knew-

The credit… It went to Yunho. If you were honest, the reason Byeol was such a nice daughter and person was because Yunho raised her right, always showering her with love, always being patient with her and you. You knew firsthand how kids felt if their parents weren’t on good terms with each other, and your heart swelled with pride that Yunho had never been frustrated or angry with you- not even in private. If it had just been you, Byeol wouldn’t have been such a pure soul. You didn’t even want to think about the possibility of her having an unloving father.

As if Yunho had heard you thinking about him, he popped in front of you, making you put a hand on your heart as you breathed. “You scared me!”

“Sorry,” Yunho grinned. “I didn’t realise you were daydreaming.”

You passed him a sideways glance. “You’re early today. That’s surprising.”

“Got lucky,” Yunho sat down next to you. “When do you think Byeol is going to look away from the cats and notice her poor father came home to see her?”

You let out a short laugh, shaking her head at how Byeol stood with her hands on her hips as she watched the cats, making sure none of them fought over food. “She’s a soldier on duty right now, you of all people should know that look.”

Yunho laughed as he nodded. “I promised to take Byeol with me to the forest, show her some archery and let her try. Do you want to join?”

“Let’s see…” you stifled your smile, deciding it was your turn to surprise him. “Should I? Maybe you could teach me how to shoot as well.”

Yunho glanced at you, narrowing his eyes. “Why do I get the feeling I’m in for a surprise?”

He found out he was right soon after. He let Byeol try first, a small bow and arrows made just for her. She wasn’t bad and you both applauded her, and then Yunho handed you his bow, teaching you how to hold it, adjusting your arms and back. You let him, pretending to be totally unaware.

“So you hold the arrow from here,” Yunho folded your fingers around the arrow. “Chin straight, like this-” he adjusted your chin. “And back straight- yes. Now, breathe. Aim. Let go.”

You nodded, aiming for the bullseye. Yunho stood wondering how far you would miss, but you hit only an inch away from the bullseye, making Yunho’s jaw drop. You flipped the stray strands of your hair, grinning shamelessly at him.

“I knew something was fishy the moment you asked me to teach you!” Yunho laughed in disbelief and Byeol finally let out a wow after having held her breath, looking at you with admiration.

“Seonghwa taught me how to shoot,” you admitted and Yunho laughed, saying of course it was him. “But I have to admit, you’re a better tutor than Seonghwa.”

“Really? How?”

“He just told me to ‘visualise’ when I couldn’t shoot properly the first two times. It didn’t end like it was supposed to,” you laughed, recalling how Seonghwa had been patient at first and then the teasing had started and you two had ended up aiming arrows at each other, betting on who would actually shoot the other. Of course, it ended with Seonghwa giving up first and then doing what he did best- shut you up with a kiss and more.

“That’s funny, since he’s the one who taught us all how to shoot,” Yunho rubbed his chin. “I guess his patience ran out with us.”

“Definitely did,” you muttered and Yunho laughed.

“Let’s go for another round. Let me see how good you are.”

You and Byeol shoot arrow after arrow, Yunho encouraging Byeol after every shot and applauding you. Your shots weren’t hundred percent accurate but they were more than enough.

That night, after dinner, washing up and putting Byeol to bed, you asked Yunho about the first time Seonghwa had taught him how to shoot.

“We were 10, I think. Seonghwa’s father was an excellent shooter so he followed in his steps. He would steal his father’s bow and come to the forest and teach us all how to use it. Hongjoong has a good eye so all it took was one look at the arrow for him to carve them himself. All we needed was the bow, and he’d bring it every other day, until his father caught him and all of us got an earful and a slap to the butt for thinking we’re better than we actually are.”

You scoffed. “I’m not surprised. How did you continue?”

“Do you think we’re the type to give up just like that?” Yunho raised a brow and you understood, nodding.

“So you continued doing the same thing? No wonder all of your parents decided the military was a good place for you lot.”

Yunho laughed and you joined, shaking your head. “Did he tell you about how we all got recruited as the King’s agents?”

“Yeah- it was you. The King chose you and Wooyoung announced either he hire the whole lot or he give you up,” you smiled. “You’re lucky to have such friends.”

“Incredibly lucky,” Yunho nodded. “Don’t you have some old friends? I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned someone-”

“Good heavens, I forgot to tell you,” you sat properly, sighing. “Dani is my old friend and neighbour- Seonghwa knew her. She moved away when Seonghwa was alive and she came back two weeks ago, stopping by shortly to tell me to come to her housewarming which is… tomorrow.”

“We can go,” Yunho nodded.

“The thing is,” you sighed deeply. “She doesn’t know about Seonghwa and… you. It’s gonna be hard for her to digest this, and with everyone being there tomorrow…”

“Are you scared?” Yunho asked and you bit your lips, nodding. Yunho’s fingers brushed yours and when you didn’t pull away, he held your hand, caressing it, urging you to tell him what exactly were you scared of.

“I’m afraid I’m gonna break down when I tell her, because honestly, I haven’t really narrated all of this yet to anyone,” you shrugged, trying not to break down right then as well. “It’s going to be hard for both of us. I’m thinking up excuses to not go-”

“Hey, it’s going to be alright,” Yunho squeezed your hand. “Dani… she’s going to find out one day. It’s better if she hears it from you, isn’t it? And… I’ll be with you, y/n. You have nothing to be scared of.”

You spent the longest time staring at your intertwined hands, trying to recall what it was like when Seonghwa held your hands. You couldn’t remember how it felt anymore, and it made you cry and take your hand away from Yunho’s grasp, folding in on yourself and hugging yourself as you cried.

You were lying on the bed and Yunho only caressed your head, waiting for you to let it out. You wouldn’t open your eyes and the tears kept falling. When you finally did, you looked guilty.

“I sometimes try to recall how Seonghwa’s hands felt when he held or caressed my hands. When you do that to me, Yunho… for the shortest moment I’m with Seonghwa all over again. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Yunho stopped caressing your head as he realised just why it was so hard for you to accept gestures like these from him. He gulped as his heart sank. “Do you think I’m Seonghwa? Do you make yourself think that? Because if you do-”

“No, no,” you shook your head. “I got my lesson when I did that- if you remember from the time I kissed you.”

Yunho remembered- oh yes, he did. It was something he had never been able to forget even when you both pretended that never happened, simply because he had never seen someone look at him with such longing and desperation in their eyes. It tore him apart when he realised that you did that while thinking of Seonghwa, letting yourself believe it was Seonghwa in front of you, not Yunho.

This time, you took Yunho’s hand. “I want to be able to touch you without thinking of Seonghwa. And when I finally kiss you… I want it to be because I want you. Seonghwa was my first love but he is gone now. No one can replace that. But you… you are Yunho, not Seonghwa. And loving you, I’m finding, is very different from loving Seonghwa.”

Yunho squeezed your hand, out of breath because of your admission. You smiled faintly when you looked at him. “I have always loved you, Yunho, from the moment you became a father to Byeol. You have raised her into a beautiful person, and I give you all the credit for who Byeol is today. But now… I want to love you as my husband, not my daughter’s father. And tomorrow, when I tell Dani about you… I don’t want to break down. I want to be proud of you, my husband.”

Yunho couldn’t hold it back anymore. He pulled you in for a hug, your arms looping in his shoulders. He buried his face in the crook of your neck, breathing in the scent of you and sighing as he squeezed you. “I’ve always been proud of you, from the moment you put Byeol first and decided to marry me. I would have died happy even if you did not love me, because you gave me a family. I don’t want you to do anything out of obligation-”

“You’ve been so patient with me,” you told him, caressing his head. “I want to return it. It’s not just because we’re married. It’s because I got to know you through the way you raised Byeol. I got to know you when you gave me space. I got to know you when you talk about Seonghwa. And I like that person. I want to get to know you now. Just Yunho, not the husband, not the friend, not the father… just you.” You drew back, holding his face and taking in his features. “Jeong Yunho. I want to get to know you.”

“I didn’t realise you’re so poetic, y/n,” Yunho shook his head, smiling uncontrollably.

“Well, that’s what happens when you spend too much time alone,” you scoffed. “And one thing I’ve got to know about you, Jeong Yunho, is that you really can’t stay serious, can you?”

Yunho laughed, “I was serious!”

“I mean,” you laughed, pinching his cheeks, “you always make a funny comment when you’re shy or embarrassed, when I do something like this. And then you start blushing.”

Yunho frowned, touching his cheeks and finding out he was, indeed, all hot from blushing. You giggled, pinching his flushed cheeks again. “I find it cute, so don’t shy away now.”

Yunho pouted, pushing your hands away and burying his face in the pillows, making you laugh and lie down next to him. “Let’s see how long you can hold your breath.”

Yunho shifted, staring at you, and you found his eyes flash for the briefest seconds. “Do you want me to find out how you blush? Because I don’t think I’ve really seen it, and now I really want to-”

“Okay, okay, Jeong Yunho is also a tease. I should have known,” you muttered, ignoring his question because you could already feel a blush creeping on your cheeks from the way he had looked at you and the way his voice was so low when he said that. You started towards the book at your side table but when you turned, Yunho’s face was inches away from yours and the book fell in your lap out of surprise, Yunho’s gaze making you sink down into the bed until you were lying flat and he was on top of you.

“Yunho,” your voice barely came as a whisper and you marvelled at the effect he had on you just because of his gaze- but to be fair… this gaze was too much. It was hot. He no longer had flushed cheeks, and you were pretty sure your whole face was red as he scanned it. The faint smile on his parted lips didn’t help either. He was on top of you, and you were trapped.

“Revenge is sweet,” he scoffed but his eyes shifted again as he caressed your face once. He leaned forward and for a moment you thought he was going to kiss you, and perhaps he was. He stopped right when your noses brushed, as if it brought him back to his senses. He drew back, surprised to not see you panicking like you used to whenever he looked at you differently or initiated physical contact. Rather, it looked like you wanted something from him.

So Yunho only planted one kiss on your cheekbone, letting his lips trail faintly down and planted one final kiss on your jaw, lingering before drawing back and caressing your face. “You’re red as a tomato.”

That did it for you. You pushed him off of you, laughing. It was your turn to hide your face in the pillows.

—----------------

The smell of roasted meat hit you as soon as you saw the bright lights of the outdoor setting Dani had done for the housewarming dinner. Byeol was a little shy as she spotted kids her age all playing together and she hid behind your dress. Yunho pinched her cheek as he chuckled, urging her to go and interact with the kids once they greet everyone.

Dani was busy grilling meat with her son- you greeted the two of them, glad to see how grown up her son was now, already a teenager. Yunho, as planned, had disappeared into the crowd of husbands, waiting for your signal so you could finally introduce him to Dani.

“Seonghwa must already have disappeared over there,” Dani tried to search him in the crowd but you shook your head.

“He’s not here,” you said and Dani frowned, but you dismissed it as you promised to tell her later about it. “Tell me, how has your life been?”

So Dani told you all about what had happened in the past few years. Some other ladies from the neighbourhood joined as you all ate, sharing stories over drinks. You felt good- you were laughing more than you usually did, you weren’t worried about anything. You decided you would meet up with people in your neighbourhood more- they were all such kind people.

When you all were done eating, you and Dani walked to where the kids all sat, playing with pebbles. Dani sighed happily. “Kids grow up so fast. I can’t believe my Channie is already at the age where we think our parents are our enemies.”

You scoffed. “I fear the possibility of Byeol being that teenager, but I know no matter how good kids are and how good their parents are, they go through that. It’s natural.”

“Yep. I feel sorry for my poor mother who had to deal with hot headed teenage Dani,” she pursed her lips, grinning. “She must have had a blast.”

“Definitely,” you chuckled, watching Byeol play her turn and throw the pebbles in the air and then catching them. “Dani… I have something to tell you.”

Dani raised her brows at your sombre tone. “What?”

You took a deep breath, turning to face her, hugging yourself not because of the chill breeze but because you needed it more. “Seonghwa… passed away two months after Byeol was born.”

The faint smile fell from Dani’s face and her eyes widened in horror. “But- you-”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t have the strength to tell you,” you smiled sadly. “You came in such a rush, and I was surprised, and honestly… It has been hard even talking about it. But I’m getting better now.”

“I… I am so sorry, y/n,” Dani’s eyes were wet with tears that finally fell when she hugged you and cried. “Seonghwa… He was like a brother to me, you know that. He’s in a better place now, isn’t he?”

“He must be,” you hugged her back. “Watching over Byeol, a star in the sky.” You broke the hug, wiping her tears. “I’m sorry I didn’t return your letters. It was… really hard.”

“I understand, you have nothing to apologise for,” Dani wiped her face.

“I also want you to meet someone,” you smiled and Dani frowned in confusion. You looked back at the crowd, finding Yunho already looking in your direction. You nodded and he hesitated before coming forward, joining you.

“This is Jeong Yunho. Seonghwa’s best friend, my best friend… and my husband. Byeol wouldn’t know the love of a father without him.”

Dani smiled, greeting Yunho. Yunho looked at you, “Y/n’s told me a lot about you, Dani.”

“All good things, I hope.”

“All good things,” Yunho confirmed with a smile. “I hope you’ll come over for tea soon. It’s a lovely dinner party you’ve hosted.”

“Thank you, Yunho, and I… will. Soon. She and I have a lot of catching up to do,” she winked at you.

Yunho nodded, patting your back before leaving you two. Dani wiped her tears, laughing in disbelief and happiness. “I… I’m proud of you, y/n. It must have been such a difficult decision to make. Tell me you’re happy with him.”

“I am,” you admitted, wiping your own tears. “I’m so grateful to him. He’s loved Byeol like a father even before we were married.”

You told Dani about how you had known Yunho since you met Seonghwa’s group of friends. You told her about how Seonghwa passed away in a mission with Yunho and Yunho blamed himself out of guilt, how he loved Byeol even before your marriage and how it was Seonghwa’s mother, of all the people, who arranged this marriage. You told her about how it was so hard at first but you couldn’t think of a better partner and father of your child.

“I was so unfair with him, Dani,” you sighed, resting your head on her shoulder. “All he’s done is given me space and love and all I did was push him away. I finally realised how stupid I’ve been.”

“You needed time, don’t beat yourself over it,” Dani patted your shoulder. “And he’s a good man if he gave you all the time and space you needed. You don’t have to push yourself.”

“I’m finally moving on with life. Saying that I’m moving on from Seonghwa… that wouldn’t be fair, would it?” You thought. “Seonghwa will always be in my heart. But Yunho… I think I love him too.”

“Seonghwa would be happy for you two, and he would be so proud of his best friend and his wife,” Dani smiled. “See that? The brightest star? That’s definitely Seonghwa, twinkling because he’s pissed at you for thinking all the negative stuff-”

“Shut up,” you laughed. “He’s twinkling because he’s happy for us, and he’s watching Byeol.”

“Definitely,” Dani nodded, noticing the guests calling her over. “Let’s do the rest of catching up later. It’s time to see everyone off.” She got up, taking your hand and squeezing it. “Just for the record… Yunho better be ready to spoil me like Seonghwa did.”

You laughed, letting her know that you’ll have to tell Yunho just what he was in for.

—------------------

Seonghwa’s mother dropped by the following Wednesday. She had informed you by a letter two days before and you had been preparing for her arrival, and Byeol had been the most excited, running around the house because ‘granny’ was finally visiting after months.

And Granny was pleasantly surprised to see how much brighter the house looked- not just in the decor that had changed a lot since her last visit, but the mood. She was pleased inside to see the positive smile on your face this time as you hugged her.

“It’s been far too long, my daughter, I’m sorry for being late,” she kissed your cheek and smiled before looking at Byeol. “Let me see… who is this kid? I don’t remember Byeol being so big!”

“I’ve grown!” Byeol clung to her grandmothers’ knee and the two of you laughed over the gesture.

You let the two catch up while you set the table. After dinner and a lot of playing with Byeol, after which she passed out in her grandmother’s arms, you put her to bed and sat by the fireplace with Seonghwa’s mother, a cup of coffee in both your hands.

“Is it time I finally comment on how happier and healthier you look since the last time I saw you?” Seonghwa’s mother smiled knowingly. “For the first time, I feel relieved.”

You looked down, smiling. “I realised a lot of things in the past few months, things I had turned a blind eye to.”

“How did it happen?” She sighed happily. “What changed you, y/n?”

You stared at the fire. “I don’t think there’s one moment that changed it, mother. A lot of small moments collected in my heart, until it was so full of all the love Yunho gave me. Until all the space he gave me… ran out. He made me really look at him.”

“And how do you feel about all of this?”

“I have finally figured out what to do with my heart,” you laughed. “Seonghwa… he’ll always stay. I had been trying to forget him, but I realised I didn’t have to forget him to move on. I have to remember him. He’ll always be a part of my life. Having Yunho… that won’t change anything.”

“Finally,” Seonghwa’s mother groaned uncharacteristically and you gaped at her as she flipped her hair haughtily. “You’d think me telling you the same thing over and over would have done the trick, but no. I guess it must be Yunho who somehow made you realise that.”

You smiled sheepishly and she gave you a teasing glance. You shook your head, “It’s like you’ve been far too eager for this to happen, haven’t you?”

“I just want to see you all truly happy,” she smiled. “I’m glad you finally understand that you can still be happy, y/n. I’m sure Seonghwa is also as relieved as I am.”

“He must be, right?” You looked up, trying to push back the tears. “I miss him so much, still.”

“I do too,” his mother smiled. “It’s not something we have control over, is it?”

“Not really,” you wiped your eyes. “How did you… cope with it, mom? After your husband passed away?”

“Ironically, like you,” she laughed and you gave her a sideways glance, smiling. “The first few years were horrible. Seonghwa had a tough time too, he was only 14. It took us both some patience and time because we strayed away from each other too. We realised later that we were on the same boat. Then, we stopped hating each other. We became each other’s comfort.”

“And did you never consider remarrying?”

“I did, actually,” she admitted and you were surprised. “But not because Seonghwa needed a father. No one could replace that anymore. I guess I was lonely. I needed someone to love. I only talked about the possibility once with Seonghwa, and it didn’t end well. He told me I didn’t need anyone as long as he was alive. Well, 14 years old think they have everything, don’t they?”

You scoffed. “I can’t believe Seonghwa said that. I thought he would have encouraged you.”

“The Seonghwa you know would have encouraged this, yes,” she laughed. “But the teenager Seonghwa? I’m glad you didn’t meet him.”

The two of you shared a good laugh. You sighed, “You must have been lonely.”

“In some ways, yes, I was. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t,” she relaxed back. “But I got used to it. And now that Seonghwa is no more… I feel like I’m all alone in this world. Thanks to Byeol and you, I’m not completely hopeless. And Seonghwa’s friends… they all make me forget about Seonghwa’s absence whenever they visit.”

You nodded- having them over really felt like Seonghwa was there too. You told her about their visit and how Hongjoong knocked some sense into you too.

“Yunho’s my son too,” Seonghwa’s mother finally said when you stopped talking. “And if you two are really going to move forward together… I would be the happiest mother.”

—---------------

“Checkmate.”

“Checkmate to you,” Yunho knocked the very piece you had knocked Yunho’s with, making you gape.

“How!”

Yunho showed you just where you made the mistake. You only shook your head. “It’s your stupid luck that always makes you win. Seonghwa said you’re one lucky bastard.”

“He was right,” Yunho laughed, wrapping up the chessboard and pieces off the bed. “I always win.”

You folded your arms, your jaw tense. Yunho noticed that, snickering to himself. “You want to go again?”

“I’m good,” you huffed, straightening your legs and resting your back, not looking at him. Yunho decided it was a good time to poke your stomach and you jumped more because of the surprise, putting a hand over your mouth as you crawled to the opposite side of the bed.

“Yunho! Mother’s in the next room with Byeol, don’t make me shout at you!”

Yunho laughed, running a hand through his dark locks and you crossed your legs, glaring at him. “You want some snacks? I’m craving something.”

“Mom brought a box of chocolates, it’s in the kitchen.”

Yunho nodded, disappearing out of the room and you leaned back, resting your back against the bed, crossing your legs and smiling to yourself, wiping it immediately when you spotted Yunho coming back, realising that you must look lovesick smiling like that to yourself- but you had been doing that a lot.

“These are good,” Yunho tossed you two and you unwrapped one, popping it in your mouth. “I don’t need to save them for Byeol, do I?”

“She gets a separate box,” you rolled your eyes. “You’d think mother would get me a separate box too- she knows I love chocolates!”

“You’re not her priority anymore,” Yunho teased, sitting in front of you.

“I am no one’s priority, it seems,” you huffed.

Yunho watched you for a moment too long before he put his head in your lap and looked at you, upside down. “You’ve always been my first priority. You’re stupid if you don’t realise that.”

Your heart did a dangerous swoop and you put a chocolate in his mouth to shut him up, which he ate, grinning. You gave in, smiling and running your hands through his hair.

“Thank you, Yunho.”

“For what?” His eyes were shut, relaxed as you caressed his head.

“For being… you,” you laughed. “You know what I mean, right?”

“Uh… no. I don’t think I do. You mind telling me clearly? Just so I can memorise it properly?”

You slapped his cheek lightly, making him smirk harder. “It’s hard to put it in words, you just… you’re…”

So good to me. So lovable. My strength.

You caressed Yunho’s cheek and he lay there so peacefully, in your lap. He fit right there, as if he was made to. Your heart longed for him even though he was so close to you. Words failed you, so you-

You leaned forward and kissed his lips, a short but sure one so he’d know what you meant without the words.

When you drew back, his lips were parted and his eyes were still closed, as if he couldn’t believe what had just happened. For a moment, irrational fear gripped you-

“What are you thinking?” You whispered.

Yunho finally opened his eyes and looked at you- the gaze gripping you. “You know what you did, right?”

You nodded- if he needed any confirmation, you’d give him. You’d clear his doubts. So you pecked his lips again, still upside down. Yunho sighed and then he got up, turning and crawling so painfully slowly on top of you, his gaze pinning you down. He kissed your forehead first, lingering there as his hand cupped your face- so small in his hand. He looked at you each time he kissed your cheeks, a faint smile on his lips.

“Can I kiss you?”

The fact that he asked, it broke your heart. You put your arms around his neck. “You never have to ask again, Yunho. I’m all yours.”

Yunho nodded as if he still couldn’t believe it, caressing your face so lovingly that it made you groan- the longing in his eyes… you couldn’t take it anymore. He finally kissed you then, and it wasn’t an innocent peck. It made you moan into it right away, made you hold him tighter, made him groan into it as well as he kissed you passionately, cupping your face with both his hands now, each kiss deeper than the previous one until you two broke apart, gasping not only because you were out of breath.

You wrapped yourself around him and he pulled you up so you were sitting in his lap and hugging him. He buried his nose in the crook of your neck, swaying you back and forth ever so slowly. He breathed once, and then he pecked your neck. You subconsciously tilted your neck, allowing him to draw your hair away and really kiss you on the neck like he had wanted to for so long, planting some everywhere until he found the one spot that made you shift in his hold, and he decided that was where he was going to keep kissing you until you were a mess and your breath hitched.

When you moaned his name, he pushed you back to bed again and kissed you, this time soft and so incredibly slow that it made your legs weak. You lay there, with only the strength to caress his hands that held you.

“I’ve wanted to do this for the longest time,” he laughed a bit, kissing your cheek. “I’m sorry if it was too much-”

“No, it’s perfect, Yunho-” you bit your lips. “Keep going.”

His eyes flashed and he nodded, joining your lips again. The two of you fell in a rhythm, kissing like you two had all the time in the world, and at that moment, you really did. You soon shifted, making him lie down so you could get on top of him and return the favour.

The two of you fell asleep planting lazy kisses on each other’s faces.

—--------------------

“Hello, Seonghwa.”

The cool breeze blew your hair to one side and you tucked them behind your ears, taking a deep breath. You smiled.

“I hope you’re still watching over me and Byeol. It’s been three years without you, but it feels like yesterday.”

You put the single red rose you had plucked from your garden earlier on his grave and stood back up, looking at the clear evening sky.

“I miss you everyday. I think about you everyday. I hope you don’t think I’ve forgotten you- I could never.”

You recalled the time Seonghwa and you had been on the hills right at the outskirts of the town. Seonghwa had been holding you in his arms, half lying down. The two of you were star-gazing. Seonghwa asked you what you would do if he ever died on a mission.

“First of all,” you got up and turned, slapping his arm, “Don’t stay stuff like that!”

“I’m just asking,” Seonghwa laughed, putting his hands in the air, surrendering. “I just… you know how it was a big decision for me to marry you and even be in a relationship with you in the first place. After looking at my mom’s life, I thought I would never do that to someone- never love and leave them hanging. But you, you just…”

“Yeah, am I to blame?” You teased, “I mean… it was the both of us. I knew what I was getting into when I said yes.” You stared at your wedding ring.

“So that’s why I’m asking,” Seonghwa put his hands on your waist and pulled you back in your original position, your head resting on his chest. “If something happened to me, what do you think you would do?”

“Let’s see… move on? I mean, three days of mourning are enough-”

“Can you stop teasing me?” Seonghwa laughed and you sighed, looking up at him. You cupped his face, tracing his cheekbone and taking in how lovely he looked illuminated by the moonlight.

“Do you think I could ever move on? After loving you? After knowing what it feels like to be loved by you? I would break. I would shatter into a million pieces, but yes, I would still have to be strong for you. I would put back all my pieces and glue them, but a broken thing remains broken even when it’s glued back.”

Seonghwa sighed, kissing you deeply and lingering as he drew back. “I wouldn’t want you to give up on life and love.”

“Well, what would you do if I died first?” You raised a brow. “Sure, you knock at death’s door everyday, but I could very well be the first one to die. What would you do?”

That made Seonghwa understand- he wasn’t sure if he could even glue himself back if he broke. Seonghwa nodded, hugging you. You rubbed his back. “I would also want you to move on, to live and love. That’s who we are, Seonghwa. To live and love again wouldn’t mean that our relationship meant nothing.”

How ironic it was that you, who said those words, forgot them altogether- or rather, forcefully shut them away.

“I’m sorry for being someone you wish I wouldn’t be, for the past three years,” you stared at the rose that lay on the brown dust, a striking contrast. “And also… thank you for giving me Byeol. I don’t think I would be standing here, happy and healthy if it wasn’t for your one last gift.”

Seonghwa didn’t think it was practical to have a child in his field. He had seen so many examples- men leaving their children to their mothers and dying. The children broken, the wives helpless. Especially in this era, with the ever growing threat of war- he thought at least soldiers should be single.

He didn’t realise how wrong he was, until he encountered you in the hills when some enemies were after him. You were plucking daisies with the most innocent look on your face, and his heart was beating louder than ever in fear that his enemies would take you instead of him if they saw you. So he took your hand and ran, the daisies dropping. The sound of arrows whooshing past you two shut you up when you shouted for help, realising that the man who was running with you wasn’t the threat but the saviour.

You two hid behind a tree and Seonghwa feared that this would be the end- at least of him. He was defenceless. But you- you looked him in the eyes and knew immediately that you could trust him. You handed him the sharp knife you’d brought with yourself and he frowned- this wasn’t one to cut flowers or fruits.

“You never know what could happen in the forest,” you whispered, shrugging, and bent down to fist some dirt in your hands.

As soon as Seonghwa heard the men, he put himself in action- you were mesmerised by the way he moved. You threw the dirt on the man’s face who thought he got Seonghwa, saving him. In a matter of moments, the three men were dead.

Seonghwa swept his dark hair back and looked at you, shaking his head as he smiled. “Thank you- you saved my life.”

“I’m pretty sure you would have been okay without my help too,” you gulped as you looked at the bodies. “Can you take me back? I don’t know my way around here.”

That was the first time he met you. He searched for you around town for months, hoping to become your friend at least, and finally, he saw you one day in the market and gave you a bouquet of roses as a thank you gift.

After marriage, it was Seonghwa who asked you if you wanted a child- you knew Seonghwa wasn’t a fan of having children with his job, but when he asked you, you were surprised.

“What changed?” You asked.

“Now that I have you, I finally understand why people have families. They have something to live for, something to fight for. Something to come back home for. And also… you’ll be less lonelier too, isn’t that right?”

You laughed, hugging Seonghwa. “I knew you’d change your mind one day, that’s why I didn’t insist on having children.”

“You know me well,” Seonghwa laughed, hugging you back. “So?”

You drew back, thinking, the smile on your face growing wider. You kissed him long and hard. “I’d be fine either way. It’s up to you.”

And if you ever thought Seonghwa would be an awkward parent, you were so wrong. For the two months that he was with his daughter, you found him to be a natural parent. He made it his life’s mission to not let you even frown or get tired or overwhelmed by the baby. You’d always laugh and ask him to give it a rest, but it was like he knew that he didn’t have much time with the baby.

Byeol was so loved, you realised. So blessed to have Seonghwa as her father. You prayed she’d grow up to be like Seonghwa too. Especially since Seonghwa’s last wish was something along those lines-

“My little star,” Seonghwa kissed Byeol’s forehead, “Don’t make mom too tired, okay? I know you’re going to be a patient and loving daughter. You’re going to be just like me.”

“Come on,” you teased Seonghwa, “Just like you?”

“Just like me,” he smiled and placed Byeol back on the bed, turning to you and spreading his arms. You wrapped your arms around his waist, listening to his heartbeat. He didn’t break the hug for the longest time, his face buried in your neck.

You were the first to break your hug and you swept his hair back as you held his face, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just…” he sighed. “I’m scared to go now that I have Byeol to worry about too.”

“You’re so brave, Seonghwa,” you straightened his collar, resting your hands on his chest. “You make Byeol and I proud every time you go to fight for your country- so that your wife and child, so that other mothers and childrens have a safe place to live in. You have nothing to be scared of.”

Seonghwa nodded. “You always know the right thing to say.”

You only smiled, the two of you leaning forward for a kiss- Seonghwa took his time kissing you, and if you had known that was the last time he was going to kiss you, you would have never let him go.

You came back from memory lane, taking a deep breath. “This is the first time I’ve come with Yunho. He loves me, Seonghwa. He loves Byeol like you loved her. And I… I’m doing what you told me to. I’m alive again, Seonghwa.”

You wiped the tears that threatened to roll down your face. You looked back, where Yunho and Byeol waited for you and you motioned them to come. Yunho picked Byeol in her arms and stood by your side.

“Look at Byeol- how loved she is. You have nothing to worry about, Seonghwa,” you smiled.

Yunho handed Byeol to you and you were about to give him some space as well but he held your hand, urging you to stay. He sat down beside the grave, rubbing the mud of his grave.

“I’m sorry for blaming myself all these years,” Yunho began, “I know you told me that it’s not my fault, but I know you would have been the same if it was me in your place.”

You sighed internally- Yunho really had it hard, just like you. Yunho placed the pebbles that he held in his hand around the roses.

“We’re soldiers. We live short, meaningful lives- and if we’re lucky, we live long. You lived so well, Seonghwa. I admired you for having the courage to start a family. Then I kind of hated you for leaving them so broken- but now… now that I’ve known the joy of a family… I admire you even more.”

He got up, putting an arm around your shoulders. “I loved Byeol the moment I saw her. I hope I can be a father she can be proud of, and I’ll make sure she’s also proud of you. I’ll tell her about your life, and hope she can get to know who her father really was. And I…”

Yunho looked at you, smiling. “I don’t know when it happened, but I fell in love with her too. I hope we can heal each other and be each other’s comfort for as long as we live. I hope you’ll be proud of us, Seonghwa.”

You smiled back, leaning into him.

—-----------------

It felt like you were a little teen who was dating again.

It felt stupid- that you cared so much about how you looked, that you blushed again. It was bittersweet, this feeling of getting to know someone more with each passing day and falling deeper in love. Of being anxious- did he love you back? Did he love you like you did?

You never thought you’d be happy again, but you were. Sometimes you got scared- if something happened to Yunho, you wouldn’t make it this time, you didn’t care whether you had a daughter to worry about too. Of course after what happened with Seonghwa, you couldn’t possibly heal if you lost Yunho too. So you only prayed for one thing- to live a long, happy and healthy life with Yunho.

Yunho was… handsome in every way- in his appearance, in his manners, in the way he talked, the way he laughed. He was heartwarming, a ball of sunshine in your life. Where Seonghwa had been like loving the moon, Yunho was like loving the sun. He made you love things that you once hated, and you couldn’t believe how he did that.

Yunho was someone you hugged more and couldn’t get enough of it. His hugs made you feel safe and warm. His kisses made you feel loved and beautiful. His touch made you feel hopeful.

You wondered if this was fate’s play- what a mysterious thing it was that you were meant to love Seonghwa and Yunho. Everything felt right with Seonghwa, and everything felt right with Yunho too.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Yunho, who held you in his arms in front of the fireplace, whispered in your ear, trailing kisses down your neck.

“If I told you,” you said, smirking, “I’m not sure if you’d blush and leave or take me right here.”

Good thing Byeol went to stay with her grandmother- your grandmother insisted you two needed some time alone now that you were finally moving on and oh, she was right. Byeol was big enough to stay with her grandmother- she loved it there because she had friends her age too, and her grandmother was ‘more fun than mom and dad combined’ according to Byeol.

“You wanna bet on it?” Yunho challenged, tilting your chin so he could lock eyes with you. You swooned at how hot his gaze was. “What, exactly, are you thinking, my love?”

“Let’s see,” you sighed. “I’m thinking about this,” you kissed the edge of his lips. “And this,” you got on top of him, straddling him and kissing his lips briefly but surely. “And this,” you rolled your hips over him, making him groan. “What do you think?”

Yunho chuckled, shaking his head. “I can’t imagine you doing this if Byeol would have been home-”

“There you go. You lost the bet,” you grinned. “You always try to distract me when you feel shy. It’s not gonna work tonight, Jeong Yunho.”

Yunho only did that because he needed a moment. And then he tucked your hair behind your ears, his large hands cupping your face as he kissed you like his entire being urged him to, with a force that made you arch back and back until you were on the floor, and he, on top of you. Where he belonged.

“Should we take this to bed, or is this more thrilling?” Yunho whispered, not even waiting for a response as he started trailing kisses down your neck and unbuttoning whatever prevented him from being skin on skin.

“I’m good,” you moaned, helping him out and then kissing him again. “I’m all yours.”

#꒰🖇꒱ recs !#r: yunho x fem! reader #r: yunho angst #r: yunho fluff #r: soldier au #r: suggestive #no because ive reread this like three times already #its so good #i love angst #YOU MAKE ME LOVE ANGST EVEN MORE DEAREST AUTHOR #oh my gosh your writing is so beautiful #truly gorgeous #so well written #i think i could marry this piece of art if i could #did i mention that i cried #well i cried like a baby !!!

613 notes · View notes