z4g4c-blog - Tumblr blog

z4g4c-blog · 6 years ago

Text

3/28/2019

I figured I would feel a lot better by now, but I don’t. I don’t feel any excitement about leaving at all. I don’t care that I’m going, but I just want to leave here because I hate this place so much. I don’t know why this is happening to me. The past 5 years all I have wanted was to be isolated and have complete independence without family or girlfriend constantly nagging me and complaining about everything I do. Now I have no confidence in myself and feel no motivation to do the things I was never able to do before because of having all of my time taken away from me by other people. I don’t know what my problem is. I can’t stop obsessing about what went wrong. I don’t know why I am unable to stop ruminating on things I should have done differently. I don’t understand why a life long stream of complete emotional emptiness and total apathy has suddenly broken down. I have never felt happy or fulfilled at any point in my life so far. I felt very good when we last got back together but then it was taken away from me quickly due to extremely minor mistakes. I don’t know what the point of anything I am doing will realistically be. I don’t have any energy or motivation to put in the work that I will need to now that the time has finally come. If I could have left in October everything would have been perfect. This winter has destroyed my mind entirely. I have never felt this bad in my entire life. I can’t sleep at all any night. All I want to do is have someone to talk to that I am close to and I have no one. I don’t know how I will find someone that I can actually relate to again. In the past 5 years I have not met one person I liked in Philadelphia and in school. I didn’t realize that I should have just tried to keep what I had going. At the time I didn’t want to be in a relationship at all and all she did was create problems and stress for me. I was completely stifled during my peak years of creativity and motivation. Now I can’t stop obsessing over the fact that she had 100% of the power in this relationship where she treated me terribly and I just accepted it and responded with apathy. The end result is her having no self awareness of how the relationship actually went due to narcissism. If I had obsessively catalogued every single thing she had done wrong down to the closest molecule the way she did, things would be different, but I really just didn’t care. I don’t care if people are rude to me or use me to vent. The problem is the double standard. Everything she accused me of doing that she didn’t like was something she was guilty of as well and often much more guilty of. I am amazed at how she has managed to use youtube self help videos to trick herself into thinking every problem in her life is caused by other people. She has never taken personal responsibility for any problem in her life the entire time I have known her. She has a ridiculous victim complex and won’t get over it. She perceives totally normal interactions of people behaving positively to her and spins them into believing it is people being passive aggressive, or dismissive and things like this. Extremely minor things become blown out of proportion and never forgiven. I wish I had reacted differently so that I would not have been completely banned for life from communicating with her. She is just being a complete idiot. I don’t get it.

I don’t know how I will be able to find another person that I will be this close with any time remotely soon. I will not be able to connect with Japanese insect people the way i connected with her. She is the only person I have ever met where I felt completely comfortable around since the first time we spent time together. She is the only female I have ever thought was funny and entertaining to talk to. I feel disgusted by almost everyone I meet. I don’t know how I will meet anyone else. I hate meeting new people and have no interest in dating. I want that stage of my life to be over. I wasted an entire 4 years in college learning nothing and just further wasted my energy and motivation of youth. Now I have to start over again with even less energy and motivation. I have absolutely no one close to me that I can communicate with and I do not know what I am suppose to do to alleviate my extreme loneliness. All I want is to go back in time and not date Nadia so that she could still be my friend. I ruined the relationship with a person I thought I would be friends with for many years by allowing her to force a romantic relationship that I did not want. But once it began there was nothing I could really do. Then eventually I realized I did want it and she then somehow convinced herself that I didn’t and wouldn’t believe that I did. I hate myself. I wish that I had just killed myself when I actually had the motivation to. Now I don’t even want to do that. Every time my suicidal thoughts cool off and I don’t want to do it any more I realize I was stupid and that I should have just done it so that it finally will be over.

0 notes

z4g4c-blog · 6 years ago

Text

3/18/2019

Part of the thing that is making leaving the country very easy for me is that I do not have anyone in my life that I care about or want to continue seeing. The only people I know that I consider friends I am perfectly content with occasionally chatting with using social media. These friends are too busy to actually be a real friend anyway. I have no interest in communicating with any of my family members. It doesn’t bring me anything positive or useful. They are not helpful for any kind of advice or support for anything of any kind. They are completely useless to talk to for guidance in any field. Almost all of my friends are immature losers that bring me down with them and provide me no perceivable benefit at all. They just piss me off. There’s nothing valuable I can gain from any of them. The only person I want to talk to wants nothing to do with me so now I have no one. If I am home and think I feel lonely there is literally no person I can message or call that will pick up or have anything to say. I have no clue how to meet people or make friends when you have graduated from school. There is no situation where you are around people sitting in a space other than in random public places or the subway. You can’t just walk up to someone and start talking to them or you will seem insane. I hate when people talk to me on the subway. If someone normal did it would probably be tolerable, but it’s always some piss stained fucking guy that I can’t even understand even though they technically are speaking English. It is amazing how many people in the city who were raised with English as their only language are completely incomprehensible. I’m not talking only about black people. Every race is represented in this group. I have so many conversations with people where I can’t even respond because there is no linguistic content to be analyzed that can form a complete thought for me to process. I don’t get this. My ex girlfriend used to say that you can just walk up to anyone and start talking to them anywhere and it isn’t weird. Obviously this is true if you are female and attractive, there is no existing set of social standards for that demographic. Attractive women can live their entire adult lives acting like children if they want to and it goes under the radar. If an adult man comes up to you in public basically anywhere your first thought is defense or how you are going to escape the scenario. Nobody wants to talk to some random guy in public. There are a lot of people I met at school that I like but none that I would consider actual friends. More of acquaintances or even just people in my network. The only ones I would hang out with never have time. The rest of them I don’t share enough in common to enjoy spending extended time around. The thing that I always feel is that If I am in a place where everyone around me likes me a lot more than I like them and all listen to what I have to say, then I’m in the wrong place and I have nothing to gain by being there. If I am able to feel like a leader then what am I going to gain by being there? Nothing. I find it very difficult to be friends with women. I have tried to and if I am attracted to them then it ends up leading to sex, but then they want it to be a relationship which I do not want. Then with girls that I am not attracted to, I start to realize that they are getting the wrong idea entirely and I can no longer be friends with them or have anything to do with them. Knowing that someone is interested in me disgusts me. I hate being around women that are attracted to me. I hate feeling wanted. Especially in my relationships. The feeling of knowing that they desire me makes me completely uninterested and makes me feel almost no attraction to them at all. I’m only attracted to things that I can have. If it turns out I can have it, then it loses all appeal instantly. I have talked to a few girls recently and chatted with them a bit online and for some reason I ask some of them if they want to go do anything and as soon as they say they do and are interested I immediately realize what the fuck am I doing? This isn’t worth my time this is completely pointless. Why the fuck am I going to go spend an entire day off work with this girl when I could be on the computer or playing a game or just sitting in a chair staring at the wall. Instantly because the possibility of going and actually doing something is on the table I realize that I never wanted to do anything in the first place even though I originally started talking to people because I felt like I had nothing to do and was lonely. I don’t actually want to interact with people and I don’t even have the energy or motivation to have sex. I just want the possibility to be available so I remember that I could be doing something even though I don’t want to. Same goes for making plans with anyone or with anything ahead of time. If I do something completely sporadically then there isn’t a chance of realizing it’s pointless and then I just go do the thing. If I plan it in advance, the day rolls around then I don’t want to go and if i push myself to just do it, I go and have a bad time. Especially now that my commute is like two hours. Virtually nothing is worth doing if I have to load the event for 2 hours to get there and 2 hours to get home. Fuck that. It’s a loading screen on life. It’s like having to reinstall windows every time I want to play counter strike for 30 minutes. Not that I would play counter strike. Once I get to Japan I will continue to be completely alone because the only people that want to talk to foreigners are probably idiots. The only people that I will be able to communicate with in english will still have a wall between us in understanding. I have met many Japanese people that have very good English, but only good in the sense of how far they have come since it is so hard to learn for Japanese people. It will be the same for me once I am proficient in Japanese, I will not be able to convey what I am actually thinking with enough finesse to display my actual personality. I will only be able to communicate like a robot. That is how japanese people are in english. It isn’t possible to have meaningful relationships with people who are not natively fluent in the same language as you unless they are actually able to become fluent to a high degree which no one in japan is for english. Same as anyone in the west learning japanese. It’s not even pessimism. It is actually impossible for someone to self teach themselves to be fluent. You can understand and speak, but you will not learn to think in Japanese. Without long exposure you will not speak the way people actually do, because people do not speak correctly. They use slang and incorrect grammar and colloquial things that are too esoteric for any textbook. I know for a fact that even the highest trained english speaker in japan that has not lived in america for at least a decade, I would be able to speak in ways that they cannot comprehend or translate. I do not actually believe that I will make no friends in Japan. I know that I will make friends there, but I am skeptical of how meaningful any relationship I will have with any japanese people. Especially in terms of a romantic relationship. I do not have a racial preference in terms of attraction. I have spurts of flavor of the month fixations for short amounts of time, but overall I am attracted to all kinds of people pretty much equally because it is a completely individual thing. That being said, I do not want to be a white guy with an asian wife or girlfriend. It’s not a good look. I don’t have anything against it, but it’s the most shamed and sterotyped possible partner for a white man to have. It seems like there is a joke to be made or some stereotype to be said about any mixed race couple, but it feels like this is the worst one. It feels like any relationship with an asian person makes westerners assume it is just because they are asian. Which for some people it probably is because there is something called racial familiarity. This is something most americans do not have. This is part of the phenomenon of people being unable to differentiate between people from other racial groups. People say all asian people or all black people look the same because they have seen so few of them in their life that the only feature their brain is able to process is the fact that they are black or asian. This isn’t even something you can blame people for. People can’t develop racial familiarity if they live in a homogenous area. Expecting people in rural china to think of you other than just a white or black person is absurd. If you live in the city in america you develop a much higher level of racial familiarity, but most people do not live in the city. Part of the thing with racial familiarity is the phenomenon of men going to other countries and dating very ugly women. This is a common thing in asia. Men with low racial familiarity to asian people do not see individual people, they just see the fact that they are asian and are attracted to that aspect alone. This is kindof what I am getting at. I do not want to be seen this way. I believe that I have a somewhat advanced level of racial familiarity especially with asian people because I have been around them my entire life. I do not have an asian fetish and am not at all obsessed with asia which is the whole problem of the perception of people that go to asian countries that I want to avoid. There are a number of very specific things that appeal to me in Japan specifically. I would never in a million years want to live in china or any SEA cess pool. Fuck korea too. I am going there with purpose not because I love anime and video games. This is going off the rails in terms of focus a bit, but I guess my point is that I feel a bit self conscious about interracial dating to an extent. I do not feel in any way actually embarrassed or ashamed or that it is any less of a relationship, but I have heard so many things said that are hard to get out of my head that will make me thing people are saying or thinking about me. My ex girlfriend was mixed and I never felt anything weird about that at all. in fact I never actually thought about it at all. But it did attract unwanted attention from black people. What amazes me about the disrespect from black people in public is that i thought it was bad when white people don’t like black people now suddenly if someone clearly does like a black person then it’s still bad. Which one is it black people? make up your mind. I do feel disgusted by most american white girls though. If anything I feel like that’s almost the only demographic I actually don’t feel interested in to any extent. If their parents were from a different country then that’s a bit different, but actual americans are just fucked. I’ve lost my train of thought here so that’s it for now.

0 notes

z4g4c-blog · 6 years ago

Text

3/18/2019

I’m glad that it is almost time to quit my current job. This place fucking sucks. I knew this place was fucked early on but I had to stay for a while to gain experience for the future. There was no other option in the city other than places I tried applying to, but didn’t hear anything back from. In the long run it was worth it because I made a lot of connections. The problem is how miserable and insane it has made me feel for the years I spent there. Having to work in a place run by someone who has no clue what they are doing is very painful. Trying to help someone you don’t get along with very well is also difficult. Doing tons of work for someone that you don’t like very much for very low pay makes you wonder what the point is. But the point was being able to make connections and gain experience while accumulating discounted product during the time. I think the main problem was when I started working full time. Prior to that I had only been working three days a week which allowed a generous balance of my free time. Especially during the period where I had graduated from school and was able to do anything during the other four days of the week. I had been studying a lot of Japanese every week and learning a lot. I had been working on music at least every other day. Then I would work three days out of the week which was the maximum that is tolerable for anyone at that place. Once I started working full time, I completely gave up on accomplishing anything outside of work because I was too tired when I got home and had no motivation on days off to do anything. I also had completely stopped drinking during the period after I graduated before I started working full time. Once I started full time, it seemed pointless to spend any free time doing anything other than drink because of a lack of motivation. So for the past near year now I have basically been doing nothing other than working and drinking. I will be finally out of this job in less than two weeks now. I have gained certain things from it, but have lost a lot of sanity. The mental and emotional state this job has put me in has ruined relationships with many people I know because I no longer had time for any people in my life due to complete fatigue. I have only had six jobs in my life. It’s hard to say which one is technically the worst. This one is the highest paid one, but it also has the highest level of inequality of what I put in versus what I am getting out of it monetarily. The amount of tasks I complete for this business is fucked. The amount of benefit I have given this place is so much that I would regret helping them in the first place if it hadn’t been for the experience. My last main job I worked at a hospital doing IT work. I was technically paid the same wage, but this current job I am paid the same amount in cash under the table. The thing is that at my last job, because of the size of the hospital, they eventually forgot I worked there. The way I was assigned tasks was through the computer but I was never given a computer so I was supposed to just use any computer I find in the hospital. This meant I was allowed to be anywhere in the enormous campus of the hospital and when assigned a ticket I would go to wherever the problem was and fix it. Eventually for whatever reason they stopped giving me tickets. I realized months later it was because they forgot I worked there because i ran into some lady that was sort of my manager and she got really confused and thought I had left already. So during that time when I was just on the clock doing nothing, my only job was to figure out how to kill forty hours every week. At one point I found out that there was no longer a security guard assigned to the information desk of the maternity ward, so I would sit at that desk every day and use the computer to browse the web. Whenever someone came to the desk asking for information I tried to help them but, in general they wanted information I had no access to so I would just tell them I didn’t know. The look on their faces when I’m sitting at this desk with a huge statue that says “INFORMATION” and I am literally telling them I don’t know and do not have access to any system that allows me to look up doctors was always amazing. I have no clue how nobody cared that I sat at that desk. I did this for months and was never questioned. Eventually I got tired of this and started just pretending to be a patient in waiting rooms because I bought a bunch of books online to read at work. So I just blended into the environment of other people waiting for surgery or xrays and etc. Otherwise I would just try to get exercise and walk around the campus. At one point I was just on the roof of the hospital and somehow that wasn’t a problem. Because my security badge had full clearance I could open any door. So one day all of a sudden all these people started yelling at me asking what the hell I was doing because apparently I had wandered into the final sanitary zone of the surgery ward and wasn’t supposed to be in there without a full body covering suit. That’s another thing that was crazy about the hospital. There is no security protection whatsoever. One day I was assigned to fix some mobile computer system that ran information about heart rate and various things within some patient’s room. So I got to the intensive care unit and ask them about the ticket and they point me to the room where it is. Only after being in this room for twenty minutes, some doctor rushes in and freaks out because I’m not wearing full scrubs and a mask telling me the patient is highly contagious and my life was at risk. Another point about security that I found amazing was that I figured out that from taking the sidewalk in front of the hospital as a starting point at any hour of a day, it is technically possible to get into the intensive care unit and enter patient’s rooms without ever having to use your security badge to open a door. And keep in mind this is often the area of a hospital where someone involved in a violent crime would be taken. So let’s say that a witness to something was in this hospital. They could be accessed by anyone who knows where to go. And look I’m not talking about some insane maze I figured out. It’s just trial and error of opening a bunch of doors and going through certain elevators. It could be figured out quickly by anyone with determination. Which comes to another interesting point about hospitals. There is virtually no location in a hospital where you can be no matter what you are wearing that you will look suspicious. As long as you look confidant you can start walking into rooms and opening drawers. While I worked there, I had no dress code so I was wearing anything I would wear any other day. Times where I needed to fulfill a ticket for a nurse that went to lunch I would just be inside the nurses station spinning around in a chair for 30 minutes and nobody would question why a random person they have never seen before who isn’t wearing scrubs is just in their private area. At one point I found a wing of the hospital that was under construction and just slept all day in a room they were storing all the furniture in. Eventually what this job boiled down to was that I realized the power that I had in the fact that nobody was paying any attention to me at all. If they were never going to give me any work to do for months and never once call me or email me and say anything then why even show up to work. So I realized I could just wake up get on the subway, clock in, get back on the subway hang out at home until it was time to ride the train back to clock out and go home. So thats what I ended up doing for the last month I worked there which I wish I had realized I could have done earlier. Granted this obviously instilled a level of paranoia, but it was better than being trapped in that place for 40 hours a week. The reason I brought up the hospital job was to describe the level of freedom I had at the job I worked before my current job that confines me to a single room. Having to work only out of a single room is very painful especially when contrasting from a job like that. Other than that I’ve lost my train of thought after describing my experience at the hospital. Overall the lesson is that you should be a lot more skeptical of your visits to the hospital and not place high levels of trust in entities like them that the right thing will be done. After working in a hospital I do anything I can to stay away from them as a patient.

0 notes

z4g4c-blog · 6 years ago

Text

March 17, 2019

I have a hard time showing any kind of external notification to people that I am close to that they are close to me in any way. In general there are certain levels I have with people that internally puts them in a hierarchy of how important they are in my life. For example. I barely have any phone numbers saved in my phone because barely anyone I know is close enough to me to warrant owning their phone number in the first place. Most people can be contacted by social media programs such as Instagram or Messenger which is where I communicate with the majority of people I know. The people that I know that I have reason to think that I will want to know in the future I generally have their actual phone number because it seems like a more permanent piece of contact for them. Also, the only people you will ever need to speak with through audio are people who you are close to. Any person you know where all communication is utilitarian information sharing does not need to be conveyed using audio. People you are closer to, there is value in communicating by voice because there is a deeper level of understanding through the nuances of voice. Another thing I have realized is that only an extremely small amount of people I know have ever actually entered my home. During the time that I lived in Philadelphia, I had three apartments. If i think back to who was actually invited over, it was a very small amount of people. The majority of the time where someone entered my home was to purchase something because I sell a lot of things to friends and to people on Craigslist. But to consider how many people were actually invited over as company is very small. This the highest tier of people that I know. There are definitely less than five people that have physically entered all three apartments that I have lived in during this period of my life. They were my closest friend from pre college school, my girlfriend at the time, and another friend from school. No person I met during college has entered all of my living spaces. To tie this in to the point that I originally started with, I believe I have a difficult time conveying to people that I am close with that I value them the way I do because all the things I only allow people I am close with to do are not perceivable to them. Nobody knows that I invite virtually no one to my home. In my mind I feel very close to people when I invite them to my home because I would almost never do that. My girlfriend at the time was very insecure and I wasn’t able to help with that because I do not have a tendency to reaffirm my feelings for people. I think in my mind at the time I thought it was obvious that if I was even associating with her at all as much as I was then it was obvious that I liked her a lot because I communicate with so few people. I think that I thought for a long time that people were able to read my mind to an extent in some way. I didn’t realize that the people who I valued in my life didn’t feel valued because I did not reaffirm it in any tangible way. Almost everyone I know I communicate with extremely rarely and do not reach out to at all, so I figured the people that I do actually communicate with realized how unusual it was that I would actually be communicating with them. However, this is clearly not the case. People with insecurity need constant affirmation of what is true regardless of whether they think it is true, because there is a pressure inside their mind pushing them to take the position of failure. I didn’t realize how to deal with this kind of personality. I also didn’t realize how my natural behavior worked against it. Everyone I know that is the closest to me causes me an extreme level of aggravation except my one friend from school who seems to be incapable of bothering anyone somehow. But for everyone else, even though I know they are valuable, I feel an immense weight by the stress they cause me that further causes me to not feel a need to reinforce the current state of my positive view of them. Another thing is complacency with the relationship of everyone I know. I tend to assume nothing will change and I forget that relationships with everyone require maintenance. People need to be reminded or they will begin to doubt. I have learned that I must remind the people I care about that I feel the way that I do.

1 note · View note