zakarylin-blog

[zakarylin-blog]

lonely

These days I honestly just want someone that I can vibe with that wants to just sit close and hold hands. To just share a similar comfort and let go. To connect and embrace ourselves on a deeper level. But the reality is such a connection takes huge amounts of time to build and it won’t work unless they’re the right one. So I guess I’m just gonna sit here and cry alone, like fuck me.

[zakarylin-blog]

FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE.

WOO! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. 

Like there’s not other way to really talk about my short lived career at UCI. I had decided, out of god knows what reasoning, to take upon myself 6 classes (which would run from 7 am til 6 pm), WHILE commuting from Cerritos to Irvine (an hour commute in morning traffic), AND try to make some friends.

yeah it didn’t work out. I ended up skipping classes left and right and my GPA the first quarter was a whopping 1.25. I shit myself, literally, when I realized I had goofed so hard. It was the hard slap to the face that wakes you up entirely and forces you to face reality. My reality was that my “plan” of breezing through uni was not realistic with the other wishes I wanted to fulfill.

I was placed on a probationary course where I needed to get my GPA up to a 2.0 by the next quarter and I could only take two classes. I was dead set on succeeding, convinced my parents that I needed to move out and live closer to campus to cut the commute and picked up a part-time job (one that would completely change my life). I worked my ass off that quarter, studied like no other, consistently went to the gym, and made sure my work was done, ahead of time and with no margin for errors.

Around this time, life decided to do its thing again. I fell in love and somehow, I met my moon. She was just the most precious being in the world and I was absolutely head over heels for her. I didn’t miss class, but I did start to lose a little focus. I spent all my free time trying to talk to her, to spend time with her, to just be next to her and it was all worth it. It’s that super fuzzy feeling, like taking a shower and the water gets to that just right temperature, like drinking some cool water, not freezing, after a good run and feeling like you just came back to life. It was just right and I could not let this chance go. By some miracle or unseen force, I confessed my feelings and turned out, she had some for me too. This time I would learn about love. A lesson that would take the next four years of my time.

School was progressing just fine and I had found my other half. Then my mom called me. She said my dad had been diagnosed with throat cancer. I was with my SO at the time and I broke down. I was terrified, scared for my family, scared for myself, but mostly I was stunned. My dad is a man who has caused a lot in my life. Some good, some bad, but he’s still my dad, no matter what and I care about him. Regardless of how he treated me, this man was not someone who would go down without a fight, he was not someone that could be brought down by anything, but here I was was, finding out he had developed cancer.

I became more focused at that point. My mindset changed. It wasn’t just about finishing school anymore, it was finishing school without entirely relying on my parents support. I kept studying intensely, but I also began to work more, a shift or two extra each week, suddenly became a full five days a week. I slowly dropped at academics in order to make my paycheck. For a full month I ate one small meal a day, just to save up money for rent, gas, and to have a little extra to spend at the end of the day.

The quarter came to an end before I realized it and it was kind of an abrupt end. I faltered. I realized that I may not have hit my mark, but I thought I did the math right. I thought I had done just enough to get my 2.0 and keep the workload I had thrown on myself. I was out that night with my SO and a few coworkers when our GPAs were uploaded. My coworker and I both were in a similar boat, we both needed that one point to keep going, in his case it was for graduation. we both missed it by that one point. My GPA ended up being a 1.979 overall,  I was .021 away from the required score and I shut down. I thought it was over. I emailed and begged my professors to give me and extra point, despite knowing I should’ve done more the entire time, and desperately waited for my counselor appointment.

Turned out they were really happy with the fact I had improved so much that I was going to be given ONE more chance. At this time I had already moved in with my SO and her family, who so kindly offered me rent cheaper than the other room I had, and I decided to give it one more go. Once again, your imagination does not equate to reality. I was so stressed out in that environment that my studying became terrible and I withdrew from that quarter in order to preserve my grade. I also moved out with my SO to live on our own (enter first time living by my own means) and that kind of was the season finale of my college career. I managed a summer course online that summer and got my 2.0 and never went back to the school. 

2014-15 was a shit show, literally. The happy ending though, my dad successfully was treated and the tumor was removed. He lost 40 ish pounds during that time and it was strange going back to Cerritos to see him. The medium built man whom I last saw was this thin and sickly looking creature who  I could barely recognize. It was oddly fascinating, yet honestly terrifying. It was like a sign that he had just barely managed to keep his life and it stunned me.

[zakarylin-blog]

Senior year.

My life kind of went to shit in 2012-13. I met my first “girlfriend” that year, if we can even use the term to describe her. She was pretty, she danced, and she had this mature, yet bubbly feel to her. At least that’s what my 17 year old brain considered her at the time. She was everything to me, the first time I realized I had a chance in this world, the first time my confidence skyrocketed and I didn’t doubt myself. Until I realized that the entire three months we “dated”, she had still been going around with her guy friends. I broke finding out about that. She was my first kiss, the first girl I had sexual experience with, she was the first. I didn’t have sex with her though...I was still naive and treasured that “first time”. We were close to sleeping with each other at her homecoming, but I backed out and said we should wait. Shortly after I discovered the things about the other guys and I ended things with her. Our last talk consisted of her telling me words that sort of still haunt me, words that linger in the back of my mind often. “I love you, but not romantically.” I still don’t understand them, probably why they linger, the confusion and vagueness of those words still cause a disturbance to me when I think about it too much. Luckily nowadays it’s just a thing of the past. I learned my lesson from that day, and I lost my “gentleness”.

I was depressed for the following 4 or 5 months. I don’t recall anything that went on during that period of time, how my classes went, how practice for volleyball was, or even the times I hung out with my friends. It’s all blacked out, honestly, I’ve tried to recall any memories from that time but I can’t.

Fast forward a month and I met this junior in the debate class I took. We started talking at one conference we went to and infatuation became intense. I fell for her and we hooked up. I dated her through the rest of my senior year, not realizing what was going on. I did like her, but it was mostly for the sex. We had A LOT of sex. I didn’t realize that this was what people called “ a rebound relationship”. It wasn’t until after I graduated and was about to head off to college that I came to my senses that I couldn’t continue this relationship if I wanted to be successful in keeping my attention on classes and making it to my goal of graduating with a degree. So I made a move and broke up with her. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done before and it actually took me two attempts to do so. The first time she broke down and my heart broke so I said let’s try it out, but about 2 weeks later, I was having a conversation with her neighbor and we ended up talking about the break up. He gave me advice that pushed me to see things clearly. “If you are already doubting your ability to do something, don’t just let things stand and waste both of your time. Do what you know is right and take steps to ensure your success.” I managed to break up with her on the second attempt, and despite all my mental prep, I was still devastated at what I had done. I dislike causing others pain because if I can relate/empathize really well. It hurt. A lot.

Enter college.

[zakarylin-blog]

Hello again

I’m back here, after almost 5 years it seems? It’s been a long ass time. Actually if we’re basing off this profile picture...it’s been almost 8 years.

For those who care to know, I’ll write a long ass post later, but I’m growing and I’m learning. I’m in pain at the moment still but the healing process is going to take time and I’m slowly coming to terms with it. Slowly.

Life’s good, no matter how bad it may seem at the moment so I’ll hang in here til it gets to the the good parts. Until then, grind away at what I need to do to see tomorrow.

[zakarylin-blog]

http://www.thewire.com/national/2014/08/aclu-says-officer-who-threatened-to-fcking-kill-ferguson-protesters-taken-off-duty/378877/

He's been indefinitely taken off duty. good job guys, the people's voice is starting to be heard. 

Ferguson officer says, “I will fucking kill you” to man live streaming. When asked for his name he says, “It’s go fuck yourself”.

[zakarylin-blog]

is this beautiful solidarity too much for you, anon?

(also, i feel bad for you.)

[zakarylin-blog]

BUSTED! Gov. Running #Ferguson Twitter Psyop

GOD!

[zakarylin-blog]

[zakarylin-blog]

[zakarylin-blog]

[zakarylin-blog]

every image, every video almost brings me to tears at how disgusting human nature can be. something so simple yet people just can't bring themselves to be more human and instead try to dominate and subjugate their equals into obedience, like this is not how world peace works. this just keeps the violence and hate going, continuing in the endless cycle it always has been and will continue going in.

Please watch the video.

[zakarylin-blog]

thas the plan

[zakarylin-blog]

[zakarylin-blog]

Captain America: The Winter Soldier | Gag reel

[zakarylin-blog]

I’m selling pretty much everything I own, including my League Of Legends account. I’m posting info for it here, i just need to estimate price and obviously find a buyer. So here is the info, it would be great if you could spread this around and or help me price it. Frodo...

[zakarylin-blog]

[zakarylin-blog]