zaramoonchild

[zaramoonchild]

College, RIGHT BEFORE

“Hey, Y/N, wait up!” It’s only October, but the bitter wind cuts through my jean jacket. I turn to see Hunter, one of the guys my roommates and I consider the “hot guy room”on our floor. His roommates Drew, Dom, and Sean- all fucking hot.

He’s shivering too… Idiot has a short sleeve and shorts on…really?

“Hey, Hunter, aren’t you freezing?” Captain fucking obvious, learn to flirt for fucks sake. You’re just my little whore. Gag on that dick you disgusting skank.

“My balls are frozen, should have looked at the weather I guess. You done with classes for the day?”

“Yep! What about you?”

“Yeah, and it’s THIRSTY THURSDAY BAYYBEEE. Time to get hammered.” His eyes glittered, “You do drink right?”

“Of course I do.” Be cool.

“You gonna come to that party tonight?” I know the party he is referring to. Everyone in our hall has been talking about it all week. A kid that lived a floor above was about to get kicked out of the dorms, but his parents are loaded so they convinced the board to let him stay enrolled and to “fix” it, they rented him a house on Main Street. Tonight was his first rager.

“I’m not sure yet”. Bitch you know you are going. Your roommates are out of town, and you haven’t exactly branched out.

“Well, if you decide to, pregame is in our room- 8:30. Bring whoever!” My heart flutters, he’s so fucking hot. I slip my key into my door and immediately panic. What if I see someone, him? Well… he probably wouldn’t even know, his dorm is like on the other side of campus and there are a million parties. I walk over to my closet and pick out a low cut tank, blazer and skinny jeans.

Just walk right in. Hunter said 8:30, you’ve waited the obligatory fifteen minutes you promised yourself. THEY ARE ALL HOT, just go! As I creep closer, I can hear bed rock blasting. You’ve got this.

“Y/N!!! DAMNNN YOU LOOK HOT GIRL!” Drew is the biggest douche of the hot guy room, but I mean…. I don’t give a fuck, he’s hot. I look around to see a bunch of people packed in this tiny dorm. Dom and Sean are playing ride the bus with a bunch of people from our hall.

I instantly feel an arm around my shoulders. “Whaddup Y/N”, I can tell Hunter is already buzzing, “I’m glad you came. Take a swig of the vodka! We got sprite, Gatorade or goldfish… yes, GOLDFISH IS A CHASER DOM.”

“Dude, no it’s fucking not!” Laughter erupts.

“Surprise me.”

Hunter walks over to one of the desks, and there sits the half gallon of Kamchatka- 12 dollars a half gallon. I can already feel the shivers.

“Alright. If you want to party with us, you gotta prove you can hang. Minimum of a 10 second swig. You down?” Am I down? I better be. You need this in with the hot guy room. Your roommates will love you.

“As long as you do one first”.

“Don’t gotta twist my arm”

“ONE, TWO ,THREE, FOUR, FIVE… “

hey Barbie, can I call you Barbara? The music blasts as Hunter hits ten.

“LEGGO, Y/N” excitement surges through my body. Shoot for 12 seconds. Respectable yet not insane.

I hit 12 with ease, all four hot boys look shocked. “Welp, she’s one of us tonight boys!” Dom inches closer, “You aren’t going to puke are you? I’m not taking care of you”.

“I’ll be fine.” It’s like I can already feel it, let’s fucking party muthafucka.

“Did anyone call a cab yet?”

“Dude let’s just walk, it’s not that far.”

“Y/N you good with that?” Hunter really seems hammered.

“Bro, of course she is. She’s one of us tonight,” Dom and Drew put their arms around me in between them. “Let’s go squad…. Wait… one more for the road?”

“FUCK YEAH” who the fuck am I?

“Dude, if Y/N says it, it’s a must”.

We do a quick swig and pass. I feel fucking fantastic.

The 15 minute walk feels like forever but none of us give a shit. We are too busy enjoying the buzz. Randomly, fear slaps me in the face…

You can do this. You are NOT in high school, and those people won’t be there. You can do this! Say yes, live a little, stop being your past. YOU ARE FUCKING HOT AS FUCK.

We skip up the porch, it’s already bumpin. As I push past the mobs of people to the first open area, I am given a red solo cup of jungle juice, “Drink up”.

After

I feel a quick trail of movement over my leg. My left eye forces it’s way open, although there’s nothing to see. The magnitude of enraged thoughts build until I gasp, gripping a moment of clarity.

I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

As clarity slips, panic swells. The pressure starts in my toes, and moves toward my heart. It hits, it almost explodes. Pieces begin to stab me like a shattered mirror.

I inch my hands to my face, waves of memories flash in my head, Alex told me you’d be a dirty slut, physical pain begins to emerge, stupid whore wasn’t even tight, my leg twitches, I almost forgot where— where the fuck am I?

The smell is so pungent, I feel like gaging, but I don’t know h- FUCK.

Something falls on top of me, and I hear voices but I can barely discern what’s being said.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT. MISS ARE YOU OK?”

“JESUS CHRIST IS SHE BLEEDING, IS SHE ALIVE???” Am I bleeding? Am I alive? Where the fuck am I? Oh my god I’m in pain every-

I can finally see, and the realization of where I am makes me immediately vomit. Dumpster.

I slowly sit up, I have garbage, blood and vomit all over me. Phone, keys, purse- gone. I now understand that the voices are two people who live next door, “Are you ok?????”

“I don’t know”. My throat is killing me.

“Julie, I found her purse on the ground over there. Should we call 911?”

“Y/N? Can you walk?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ok just try to keep awake.”

I can’t though. I’m so tired I can’t even keep….

Later

“Miss Y/N? Can you hear me?”

My eye lids slowly roll open, and my vision becomes clear. I turn over to see Advil, water, and a trash can but the room isn’t familiar. I nearly scream when I hear it.

“Hey, it’s ok. I saw you laying next to the dumpster, I’m just trying to help you. Are you alright? I’m still worried I should take you to a hospital”.

“She’ll be fine. She clearly just got wasted and blacked out.” Her voice is chilling.

“Uh, thank you for taking care of me. She’s right, I’m just a dumb ass who can’t handle her alcohol. I should go”. Get the fuck out of here. You need to go back to your dorm.

“Do you need a ride? It’s 5AM. You shouldn’t walk..”

“Really, I’m fine. Thank you, again. I really should go”. It takes everything in me to hide the surge of pain throughout my body.

“Are you sure? It’s no problem, I haven’t been..”

“I’m really fine. Thanks again”.

Every step increases the pain. In the distance, the sun is rising and the blood/vomit/unknown stains on my clothes are more evident. The walk seems 50 times longer than it did last…. LAST NIGHT.

I immediately projectile vomit. Just get back to your dorm. Just get back to your dorm. Fortunately, someone left the side door propped (usually smokers do) and I’m able to enter in without going to the front desk. The second the door clicks shut, I triple lock it and walk into the bathroom. Don’t look in the mirror, don’t look in the mirror. Just turn on the water.

Whores like you deserve this. Don’t act like you don’t like it you fucking slut. If you don’t do what I say….

[zaramoonchild]

Note: Must be 18+, sexual, emotional, mental abuse. Continue at your own risk.

Part 1: Unexpected

Sometimes it feels like I’m still there. Stagnant, frozen, and in such utter rage, I don’t know how I didn’t collapse. I was never the same. The ripple effects are why it still slithers its way back into my thoughts. There isn’t a fucking chemical or bullshit marijuana strain to stop it, either.

College, after

“Hey Y/N are you coming with us to eat?”

“Sure!” Thanks for inviting me, it’s like she knows I’m not going to invite myself.

“Come on, we are going to eat”. We all giggle down to dinner.

“Hey, Alex!” She is so confident as we walk into the cafeteria, “You still suck!”

“I do not…” He smiles, looks forward.

I meander my way to a station, “Stop acting like you don’t know me”. The shiver continues up my back. I know that voice. I’ll pretend all day I don’t, but I do. I’ve somehow memorized his number; I’ve memorized moments I thought were us. But there was no us, there never will be “us”.

“Oh, hey. Sorry, I didn’t realize it was you”. Pathetic bitch.

“No worries, Y/N. Good to see you!” Really!? Good to see me???? Fuck you. Fuck high school too? I wish I didn’t feel that stab in my gut every time I thought of his name.

“God, the amount of girls I could fuck is unbelievable. I’m sure you’re still your slut self?” Mmmm. Ok.

“Whatever you say”, the level in which I cringe makes my throat swell.

“Please, Y/N. Stop being dramatic”.

“ALEX! Come over..”

“Gotta go, be normal”. The hairs on my arms, fully standing.

“Miss, did you want the rice?” I realize he’s finally gone, “Yes, Please”.

“Y/N, come on! We’re over there!” No cutting today, just breathe, love.