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Ok, new plan. Since I'm always on my phone before I go to bed anyway, I'm going to use that time to get some stuff out. Maybe it'll help. I'll still have the Mabeline stuff (because she's on my mind a lot 😄), but there plenty of other things on my mind that I need to get out too. Tonight's topic: The belief that if you are single, you're somehow incomplete. I don't buy into this for one second. Yet every time I talk to someone from my past it's "So, found anyone amazing yet?" "Yep. Me." Why do I need someone else? I am perfectly happy on my own, I have a ton less stress than I do when I'm in a relationship. "Oh, but you just haven't found the right person. Give it time." No! Why has everybody bought into this idea that you have to find "that one person" to make your life worthwhile? Why is it so hard for people to understand that I make my own life worthwhile?! I don't need someone to complete me - I am a whole person, thank you. And thinking otherwise is kind of insulting. I have kids. I've been married (ugh). I've been in a 5 year relationship with someone I thought I would be with forever. I found a man I thought was my soul mate, and I watched him leave. I've been through it all. I felt all the things people seem to think I'm missing in my life. And you know what? I don't miss them at all. I'm not going to sit here and say my life is great. It's not. Right now I cry myself to sleep a lot more than I want to admit. But that has nothing to do with the absence of a significant other, and a lot to do with people who think sharing some DNA means they can treat me like a doormat. But that's a story for another time. All I'm asking for is people to respect my choices. I respect everyone else's. You can be with who you want to be with. You SHOULD be. And if that someone you want to be with is no one... Why is that looked down on? No, I don't want to meet your friend. No, I'm not ready to get out in the world and find a good man. I am ready for you to stop forcing your ideas of how life should be on me. I'm a single mom. I'm happy being a SINGLE mom. I don't need someone to complete me. I am a whole person on my own. Just stop. If I decide I want someone to share my life with, I will let you know. Until then, don't try to hook me up with anyone or convince the right one will come along. I am happy. Why is that such a hard concept for people to understand?

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It’s official ... I’m a terrible blogger

I can say it’s because I have too much going on, I don’t have time, whatever excuse I can. The truth is, most days it’s hard enough dealing with the crap in my head, even the thought of putting it “down on paper” (or typing it on screen) is just too much. The past few weeks have been trying to say the least. I’m just trying to get through every day without making myself more of an outcast from my family than I already feel like. I can’t say how I really feel, because apparently I’m not supposed to feel that way. Yea ... it’s a mess. 

Mabeline is good, though. We’ve been spending quite a bit of time together, and she’s more comfortable with me. I got a big tangle out of her mane last weekend and it took well over an hour. She was chill the whole time. I am not exaggerating in the least when I say she is one of the very few things keeping me sane right now. In fact, she’s probably the biggest help. I love my kids to pieces, but they are stressed too and when kids get stressed, they act out. Guess who they act out at? Yep ... mom. At least when Mabeline acts out at me, I know it’s not really my fault, it’s her past. So I don’t feel terrible afterward like I do when my kids act out at me. 

I digress. I’ll work on being better about this. Pics of me and my beauty later (I have a ton, though!!)

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Basically our entire relationship Me: "You're such a sweetheart, aren't you?" Mabeline: "I'm going to bite you so hard..." (Disclaimer - This was just a brief second. We just had a great time in the round pen doing stuff like this without the grumpiness, but as soon as we stepped out, she wasn't having it anymore. Apparently, she feels safe enough with me in the pen to let her guard down, but when we leave it, she's not sure what is going to happen. We're still a work in progress, still learning about each other. She's realized I'm trustworthy in some situations, so I'll just have to start working with her in other places, teaching her that I'm trustworthy everywhere - even out in the open.)

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I have more to write that is over a week old, but things haven’t been well lately. I spent most of last week feeling terrible and sorry for myself and just bleh. I’ll post what’s up in Mabeline’s world later (tomorrow, hopefully), but for now… A pretty pic from my sunset visit.

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It’s been a busy week, so I didn’t get to update when this actually happened. Jan 16, 2017 I got to spend a couple of hours with this beautiful lady. I was told to just hang out in the round pen and groom her, so that’s what we did. It’s just trying to get her to trust people and build a bond between us. I felt like I made some progress, though! Baby steps.

So, at first she was ok (not happy, but ok) with me grooming her left side, but any time I tried to go to her right side, she’d get annoyed and push me or find a way to wiggle away. Not sure why she was protective, but I tried to respect her boundaries some while still pushing a little. I can’t let her dictate everything even if she is bigger and taller and much heavier than I am. It took about an hour and a half of talking, walking, letting her graze, yell across the farm to her buddy, and just generally hanging out before she let me on her right. I managed to get her somewhat clean looking and managed to start on her mane before I ran out of time. I’m positive her looking clean didn’t last long since it was a muddy mess that day and has rained or just generally been gross most days since. But, I got to feel like I nearly completed something and like we made a big step, so yay for that! Also during this time I would take a break, lean against the rails and let her just chill, graze, whatever. I can’t tell you how much it meant that she would come over close to me, even if she was mostly sniffing out the treats in my hoodie. She seems to be closer to understanding that I’m not horrible. In fact, I can’t be all bad if I have yummy things hidden in pockets that I’m willing to share! :)

Her owner loaned me some books, so I’ve been reading up on how to train horses and general horse knowledge. I’ve been horse crazy all my life, so some of this stuff I know, but it’s good to have something to do when I can’t sleep at night. Ya know, besides watching TV or playing video games or whatever. She also told me that it seemed to be going well and she predicted that we’d be riding by spring! Fingers crossed for me and the old girl!

It was a couple hours a week ago, but I’m so glad I got to spend some time with Mabeline and I feel like we got a little further. It’s a long road, I know, but I’m excited for all the little steps on the journey. I wish I had more time to devote to her, but life keeps throwing crappy weather or other things in the path. I’m probably not going to get over there this week until Sunday (which is also the day of a bash over there, and I’ll have one of my monsters (aka - kids) with me), so not much progress will be made even if I get to do anything more than say hi. Here’s hoping next week brings less rain and more free time to devote to our journey!

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Mabeline was grumpy today, so Snickers the barn cat helped me open her up a little, while also doubling as a scarf for me. 

I know what it’s like to want to be left alone, to lock yourself away from the world. Honestly, I’ve felt that for the past month and a half. But, I also know how comforting it is to know that if I wanted someone to be there, I had someone. So, even though she was grumpy and ready to bite for no real reason, I hung out for a while. Tried brushing her a little, but that got on her nerves quickly. So instead, I stood outside her stall, leaning beside the window (in easy biting range, but not right in her face) and was just there with her. She may have wanted to be alone, but I wanted her to know that someone was there for her anyway. 

Yea, maybe I’m anthropomorphizing, but if that’s makes me feel better, I’m ok with it. She hardly knows me, definitely doesn’t trust me, but at least for a couple hours today, I felt like I was supporting her some. 

Sleep tight, sweet girl. May the sun shine and the temperatures rise tomorrow so you can run in the fields with your friends all day. Counting down until I get to spend time with you next, even if it’s just hanging out and keeping my distance again. Push me away, I’ll still be around when you need me. <3

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Finally decided what I’m going to post in here ... the road to recovery for this gorgeous creature, Mabeline. She’s a 15 year old Thoroughbred who was retired to brood after running in 1 race, where she went on to have 4 foals that I’ve been able to track. In February 2016 she was rescued from being sent to slaughter pregnant, and had her adorable daughter a month later. They both reside at this rescue and are being used to help people with PTSD and other issues heal, which is how I came to find her.

This is the two of us on January 6, 2017 - the first time I met her. I want to keep track of our progress and tell more of her story as we go along, which is what I feel I should dedicate this page to. 

But, I also want to go ahead and explain a little bit about the place she resides now. It’s a farm of 19 horses, many of which are rescued, donated, or adopted. Mabeline and her foal, Liberty, as well as two other mother/foal pairs were rescued from slaughter. Several of the residents were “special cases” who had never been touched by a human or had attitude problems or some such. There are a few adopted Mustangs. Some miniature horses donated by people who could no longer care for them on their own and love to see them helping out veterans and others who find themselves suffering. The farm was originally founded to help veterans, but they accept anyone who struggles with PTSD /TBI, depression, anxiety, and a whole list of things. 

After spending some random time there in a little under a week, I absolutely see why. I haven’t done much, helped with chores a bit and just hanging out in the barn, getting Mabeline used to me being around and showing her that I’m not going to hurt her, but even that - feeling like I have a purpose that isn’t solely for me - really does help. Yea, she has her owner and the other volunteers who will make sure she’s taken care of. But, by being there, by trying to earn her trust, I feel like I could help her remember what it’s like to be loved by a person unconditionally. I feel like I get to be something other than a caretaker or owner - I get to be a friend, a trusted confidant. Fingers crossed that I can get through to her. Today bit away at my confidence a little, but I am being understanding. Everyone has bad days, especially a TB who has been in a stall for 12 hours (it’s cold and rainy and gross today). I have days I don’t want to be messed with, where I want to lock myself away from the world. We’ll get through this together, sweet girl. Nothing worth having comes easy, and I can already tell you’re going to make me work for this. I respect that and look forward to it.

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Tumblr Welcome Back Event: Share Your First Horse!

Indomita is back on Tumblr, and to celebrate, we’d like to have a little community event!

We’d love it if you shared your first horse on Indomita! Let us know whatever you’d like about them - whether it’s just a picture and a name, or an entire story! Let’s get to know where we all started - whether that was two years ago or just this month. 

So head on over to our submit page! https://indomita-net.tumblr.com/submit

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Here we go!

Alright, let’s see if I can figure out how to work tumblr xD