zellevillanueva

[zellevillanueva]

I long for the day that my vulnerability won’t be a burden to anyone, to feel safe to confide all my concealed worries for my chest can only carry so much weight before i lose myself in the depths of its agony. Please, please, let me find my person.

[zellevillanueva]

If it was easy, i wouldnt let it consume me, i wouldnt let it destroy us. but it wasnt, and i badly wanted to lean on you, to make me feel that ill be okay even though we both dont know how. but you left, on my steepest low, you let me bury myself. i wanted these chest stomping to stop, these loud thoughts on my head to shut up, but they wont, i shut down instead- and you let me. when i needed you most, that’s when you left, just like everybody did

[zellevillanueva]

as the eldest daughter, pressure’s on you to be the middle ground from all chaos, be that daughter they never have to worry about, be that someone your sister can look upon

as one of the seniors at work, you’ll always have to be that one reliable workmate, someone that takes over every problem, the one who catches all the patient’s angst and anger

among your friend groups, you appear as someone they don’t have to check up on, always the one who looks after everyone.

gusto ko nalang din mag sumbong :-((((

[zellevillanueva]

Protecting your peace comes with a price, you hurt, tear, and recover in silence just so you could keep them. In the midst of everyone you love, between all groups of people you’re involved in, somehow, all you’ll ever have is you. You choose to distance yourself from everyone, it isn’t a choice but for the mere reason that you’ve got no one to run into.

Then again, you know you’ll get there, you’ll heal, just like before, like always.

[zellevillanueva]

I could still remember writing about my first hike i joined for fun way back 2022, now i’m here, finding solace in the trails, conquered and witnessed the glorious sea of clouds of Luzon’s highest mountain, Mt. Pulag. To more hikes this year! 🥹🥾

[zellevillanueva]

And one day, i won’t be walking on eggshells, weighing all that’ll come out of my chest and finally be someone who doesn’t have to explain every feeling

[zellevillanueva]

Nyokie, losing you was the pain i could never recover from. Over a year later, i still cry hard at the thought of you. I miss you so much and I’ll continue to do so for a long time. Visit me in my dreams nyokie 🥺🐾

[zellevillanueva]

You know it’s gone the minute my tears mean nothing to you but a persistent reason to be annoyed, when you take my words as bullets when i dont fire it in the first place. You may not hold a grasp of it yet but i’m in the process of accepting it as it is, you’re slowly hating me. You blur my crystal clear intentions, became deaf to my plead of being heard and understood. We’re dead, already buried deep, no feelings or emotions left

[zellevillanueva]

And maybe one day, you’ll see through my tears, they’re not a cry for attention or pity. I cry for every part of me is bleeding through its cracks made from all of the moments that shattered my soul.

I never wanted to, but i hope these tears wash away all left guilt and feelings so for a moment, i wont have to feel and be hurt

[zellevillanueva]

Only old conversations soothes you, reminds you how well you were loved before and that a love like that was once possible. We existed, and though only fragments of what we once were remained, i’m thankful i got to experience being loved right.

And now we are here, wet sheets every night, shallow conversations, skinny love, questioning what ever happened to us.

[zellevillanueva]

it is a familiar feeling, too raw and vivid. and though i hate to see it coming, i know where it ends. people really tend to become mean when they lose interest, when they lose all feelings and love. i hate to admit it but as much as i failed to stop it before, it’s all happening again. am i the problem? does loving me drain people?

[zellevillanueva]

it’s 7am on a work day, no matter how i wish this day could just be like any other, you’re here, trapping yourself in the restroom, crying but trying not to make any sound despite your heavy heart. i don’t seem to know where i could pour all my worries and troubles in, opening up feels like I’m shoving them my burdens and i don’t want to worry and maybe, annoy them.

it sucks but life made you master crying silently when you wanted to shout and put your heart out.

[zellevillanueva]

unsent diaries:

keeping the peace has its weight, either me or us will carry it and soon, crushed. it feels heavier by the second, stomping on my chest, trying to keep my words all to myself. if it is what it takes to keep you, then i won’t mind being crushed

[zellevillanueva]

everyone who knows me for a short period of time mostly thinks of me as someone who is always calm, collected and levelheaded- and most of the time too, i wish they knew why. It took me a lot of time and chaos to know very well how to recognize what is worth worrying and what’s not. I had lost myself so many times to find my path way back once again when i’m feeling off-track. I’m calm not because I’ve learned how to, but mostly because i have to- I cannot lose myself anymore

[zellevillanueva]

i find myself at complete off-track more often than ever. lost daze, disoriented and bored from the routine life has thrown at me.

but then i recognized all what was happening, everything- I prayed for it.

i prayed for calm waters, for no extravagant life but for only what is enough, to wake up and not worry. i take in all the pleasure without realizing it was all a granted prayer. i was never alone, in the deepest, darkest and unknown depth of my agony and worry, You’ve always been my light, mapping all my uncharted path.

[zellevillanueva]

i just wish you were a little kinder, i don’t want to fight for you, too. i’m already too weak fighting for myself, waking up recently feels like a battle, pushing myself to eat, acting like everything’s good, but in reality, i feel nauseous just with the thought of food, i wake up wanting to fall back to sleep, my thoughts are drowning and yet, draining me. a soft soul is what i needed, a boulder i can rest my weary body and mind to.

[zellevillanueva]

do you what’s worst than being lied to? it’s when you already know the truth and still, you beg them to look you in the eye and swear it’s not what happened and yet, they can. That’s when you know to never trust that person. Face to face, almost soul to soul, staring deep into your eye, knowing your pain and traumas but still continue to lie, almost deceiving themselves they never did it, guilt tripping and blaming you instead on why you cannot ever believe them. they are the worst kind of people- pathological liars.