zerochanceofsurvival

[zerochanceofsurvival]

[zerochanceofsurvival]

He Waits.

October 23, 2018.

“Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” Romans 2:4 

From the beginning of time, 

She sinned and she cheated and lied. 

Bitterness, judgment and pride, 

Fueled every sin she would hide. 

Had He not stood close behind,

Patient, forbearant, and kind, 

Alone she could never have tried, 

She’d sin ‘till the day that she died. 

~

But He had a purpose in mind,

Perfectly planned and designed, 

When all of her pain had combined, 

She’d seek and she’d finally find. 

~

A life in which she ran the race, 

Miserably stuck in last place, 

Ignoring signs saying, “Wrong way,” 

Endlessly sprinting astray, 

He physically spun her around,

Raised up when she’d fall on the ground, 

In mercy, He'd always abound, 

No longer lost, but now found.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

Better Now.

October 2, 2018.

He has raised me out of darkness, 

He has brought me to the light. 

All my momentary troubles, 

He has strengthened me to fight. 

Having tried to end my life,

Darkest days and darker nights, 

All have vanished in His presence, 

Weak compared to His great might. 

Glory, praise, and honor be, 

To the One who offers me, 

Grace and peace, serenity. 

I will fix my eyes on Thee.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

Let Go, Let God.

September 16, 2018.

It seems that I like to pity myself 

It seems that I wallow in shame 

When all my mistakes have amounted to this 

I burden myself with the blame 

~

Rather than look at what cannot be seen 

I’m nearsighted, practically blind 

God has already provided my needs 

What I will seek I will find

~

You are the answer to all that I ask 

You are what makes me feel free 

When I ask for comfort, for love, and for peace 

All of these things you will be 

~

How could I look for these anywhere else? 

What did I think I would find? 

You are my Savior, my Rock, and my All 

You never leave me behind 

~

So when I feel lost, alone, and in pain 

I will look up at Your face 

Surely through everything I can sustain 

When I let you rule in Your place 

~

God be my everything 

God be my all 

God fill the depths of my heart 

God be my refuge 

Whenever I fall 

Keep me from falling apart

[zerochanceofsurvival]

A Psalm.

September 11, 2018.

How long, O Lord, will you allow me to be held together by a single string? 

How much longer, O Lord? 

How long, O Lord, will I crumble under the agony of this loneliness, 

This self-hatred, 

This blame? 

How much longer, O Lord? 

How long, O Lord, will you let my prayers for release go unanswered? 

How much longer, O Lord, before I snap 

And end it all?

[zerochanceofsurvival]

From: Me; To: Me

September 8, 2018

You’ll be okay someday

But I can’t wish you well yet

It’s only human

To forgive and never forget

At least he’s lucky enough

To cut you from his life

But you don’t get that luxury

And you never will

You’ll be okay someday

But I can’t yet forgive you

I can’t believe

It’s like I never knew you

I hate you more than he does

And I can’t even leave

I can’t get space to think

And I never will

You’ll be okay someday

If I can find it in my heart

To forgive you for

This love you tore apart

Get lost

Go home

Leave me

Alone

How am I supposed to breathe

When you will never ever leave?

Look where your mistakes have led

You’d be much better off if only

You

Were

Dead

[zerochanceofsurvival]

Day 11: What You Tell Yourself Matters.

August 20, 2018.

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” - Elenor Roosevelt  

I’ve heard this quote and advice similar to it many times, but it never really left an impact on me. I would think, “If I can’t fly, believing in myself won’t make a difference.” This is true, but Mrs. Roosevelt’s quote isn’t about flying. It’s about the day to day grind. It’s about daily believing that you have something valuable to provide the world and that you can do most things you put your mind to. 

Countless people have told me I look like a “skater chick” to which I would sadly reply, “I can’t ride a skateboard.” And it’s true, I couldn’t. But I wouldn’t even try. When people would offer to teach me, I’d only get as far as to step on the board and hold to them tightly without trusting myself to do it alone. I told myself and them, “I have bad balance, I can’t. I’ll never be able to.” And so I lost the battle before it even began. The potential was in me to learn, but I did not give myself the opportunity because I thought I couldn’t. 

I don’t know how or when, but one day, this all changed. I started to think, “what’s the worst that could happen?” And, “look at how many people who have done this and survived...why not me?” I began to give myself more credit. I’m stronger than I think I am. I can do more than I think I can do. I have more to bring to the table than I give myself credit for. 

So, one day, I asked to borrow my brother’s longboard. Shocked, he asked why I wanted to learn when I never thought I could before. And I said, “This time, I’m going to try believing in myself and see if that makes a difference.” 

And guess what? It did make a difference. I hopped on that longboard and pedaled and slowly moved down my driveway without falling off the board. I was immediately motivated and energized. I began to think, “wow! I can do this!” And for the next week, I longboarded for an hour or more every day, getting faster and faster, conquering bigger and bigger bumps. And then, lo and behold, I gave skateboarding a try, and I succeeded at that too! Something I thought I could never do, something I was convinced I was incapable of, I picked up in a week’s time. 

My balance is no better now than it was years ago when I used it as an excuse. I still trip over myself occasionally. But now I know my balance was never the issue. I have good enough balance to skateboard and do all these things I never allowed myself to try before. All it took was truly and honestly believing in myself. 

And the best part is, this principle can be applied to almost every aspect of my life. Sometimes I worry that when I graduate college I won’t be competent enough to enter the working world, or I won’t have the right skills to bring to the table. But if I approach the real world with confidence and a mind that’s willing to learn and grow, I’ll succeed without a doubt. Who knew my mind could play such a huge role in my capabilities? 

"Until you cross the bridge of your insecurities, you can't begin to explore your possibilities.” - Tim Fargo

[zerochanceofsurvival]

Day 5: Anger.

August 14, 2018.

All my life I have had difficulties being slow to anger. I have very much been the opposite. I get angry when things don’t go my way, when people annoy me, when I can’t figure out a problem, and basically whenever even the slightest thing does not go smoothly. And my anger often ends up with me crying or being overly flustered due to frustration. I let the little things get me down, and that’s a problem. 

I’ve recently discovered that how I react to situations is, in fact, a choice (common sense, but it took me a while). However, I’ve never stopped myself long enough to consider this. I don’t think in these situations, I just react. Since I’ve discovered this wonderful fact that most people already know, I’ve had one experience in which I’ve been able to apply it, and I believe my life is forever changed for it.

I was driving home one day from a friend’s house when I get a message from my roommate saying something along the lines of, “I just moved into our new apartment and the electricity is not working.” Getting the electricity signed up was my job, which I did, so it wasn’t my fault, but I couldn’t help but assume that she was blaming me. She had been on hold with the company for forever to no avail, so she requested I call. I also couldn’t help but assume that she was getting more and more frustrated as time went on, so naturally, I dialed the number (while still driving) and gave the company’s support line a call. 

No answer. No voicemail box. I called again. No answer. No voicemail box. I called again. No answer. No voicemail box. I had managed to remain somewhat calm up to this point but I could feel anger quickly boiling up inside me, and as I called the fourth time (this time routing to the accounting department in hopes they would answer, as support was not), I imagined what I might say, and two scenarios popped into my head. 

I first thought, "how peaceful would it be if I called and asked politely about the not-working electricity, and kindly ask they look into it? They probably get angry calls all the time about things not working, because when things don’t work people like to get angry with the first people they talk to who might be part of the problem." But then I thought (almost subconsciously because my mind had already made the decision and it was almost as if I was observing my own thought process), “No, I’m angry.” 

So I called again, this time routing myself to accounting. No answer. The voicemail box beeped to record, “HELLO MY NAME IS ALYSSA AND MY ELECTRICITY IS NOT WORKING, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON LAST FRIDAY BUT IT IS NOT WORKING AND SUPPORT IS NOT ANSWERING SO PLEASE CALL ME BACK AT—.” I didn’t actually yell but I might as well have been with the rude tone I was using. The call was brutal and unnecessarily accusatory. I hung up and checked my phone to see I had received a message from my roommate: 

“I got it lmao, the circuit breaker was hidden! It’s all good everything is good.”  

… 

At this point, I was really beating myself up. Here I was, in my car, having just pulled up next to my driveway. If I had just waited to make the call until I got home, I would’ve seen the message before making this mess. If I was slower to anger, the voicemail would not have been so rude. But yet I was both impatient and quick-tempered. I made a fool of myself and I failed to display one of the most biblical values a person can have. I shamefully called the company back, left an embarrassingly apologetic voicemail saying it was all good, only to receive a call from them later in which they also quite rudely told me they were not the ones who could have fixed the problem anyway, as I had called the website through which the electricity was ordered, not the electricity company itself. 

Needless to say, it was not a high moment for me, but I learned a good lesson. Anger does no one any good. Even if the electricity wasn’t working and even if it was my fault and even if my roommate really was frustrated with me and blaming me, how would anger have helped any of these situations? Easy answer, it wouldn’t. 

Getting frustrated when I get cut off while driving does me no good. Getting angry when I can’t solve a homework problem does me no good. Getting flustered when people aren’t listening to me does me no good. But a calm, level-headed response does a world of wonders for both me and everyone involved. I can continue driving knowing that that person was probably just in a hurry to go somewhere important. Forgive and forget. I can take a deep breath and ask for help, or take a break and get back to the problem later. I can realize that what other people think of me and how they perceive my words and actions is not what matters, so long as I am speaking life and acting with love. I can have peace of mind in knowing that all these things combined are so menial and are not even worth getting frustrated over. 

Anger is a choice. I can choose not to let little things upset me. I have full power over my mind to do so. And I hope that this realization paired with this experience will equip me to be slow to anger in future instances.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

Day 1: Inherent Forgetfulness.

August 10, 2018.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how much I have forgotten. Places I’ve seen, people I’ve met, things I’ve written down. Sometimes I’ll look back at pictures I’ve taken and think, “When did I go there?” or memories with old friends and think, “How did I know that person?” or things I’ve written in journals and think, “I really wrote this?” And I have all this memorabilia to look back on so that I don’t forget – photo albums, journals, diaries, etc. – but none of these do justice to the real things. No picture can capture the layers upon layers of mountains that can be seen on a clear day, or the true height and width of the largest waterfalls, or the vivid greens of nature that contrast blue skies. No memory can tell a joke as good as it was once told, or fill my heart with as much warmth as an act of kindness did in the moment I needed it most. No advice or knowledge I write down can come in handy when I look back to reread it and don't even recall ever writing it in the first place. I spend so much time documenting my life in all these ways so I can remember and reminisce, but enough time passes and I look back at it all as if these pictures, friends, and writings all belonged to a completely different person. Maybe that’s just a part of growing up. 

So what is the purpose of it all? Why take pictures of beautiful places I’ve seen when I’ll forget what the original scenery entailed and the picture will never do it justice? Why capture memories with friends when the original joy I felt will fade, never to be experienced again, only to resurface painful nostalgia? Why write down what I learn when I can never remember it when I need it most? 

When I look at a beautiful mountain range or waterfall or river or lake or structure, and someone tells me to, “take it all in,” how can I? Of course I will forget. When I am traveling the pacific northwest with my closest friends, laughing constantly and making memories and inside jokes for a lifetime, and someone tells me to, “live in the moment,” how can I? Of course I will forget. When I listen to an amazing podcast, or hear an insightful TED talk, or get inspired by a riveting book, and someone advises I, “write it all down,” what’s the point? Of course I will forget. 

But maybe there is a point. I’ve wasted so much of my life clinging to moments that have passed me by. I wasted so much of my time regretting decisions, missing places, wishing I was somewhere else constantly. And even when I’m in the moment I’m not. Or when I try to appreciate it I can’t. I just think, “this moment I am in right now – this scenery in front of my eyes, or these people I am with – is so beautiful, but the second I look away I will not be able to recall its details.” 

I was on top of a mountain in Yangshuo overlooking the whole city when the thought hit me, “this is beautiful, and I’m so blessed to have seen so many beautiful places in my lifetime, but I can’t remember what any of them look like.” Whatever blurry memory I could recall of a previous beautiful location I’ve seen was about the quality of a picture – flat, lacking all the richness and sharp details of the real thing. 

I can never relive any of these experiences. I can’t be in my high school cross country team again, or my high school drumline, or my college drumline, or my freshman dorm, or my Australia cohort, or my China cohort. I can revisit those places but it will never be the same. But maybe I can appreciate the forward momentum of everything instead. I can appreciate a moment in knowing that many more will come and everything will be new. And sometimes appreciating a moment is just slowing down long enough to realize that each moment only happens once, and everything is eventually forgotten. So living in the moment can be choosing to focus on what you’re seeing now rather than what you’ve already seen or what you’re going to see, and having that fresh perspective every day rather than constantly comparing today to what yesterday was or what tomorrow could be. 

Sometimes it’s okay to reminisce too.

Note: This is part of a Daily Writing Challenge that I have decided to try out, where we are prompted to write 250+ words about anything each day, just to get the creative juices flowing.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

The Middle Kingdom.

May 17, 2018.

26 hours before departure.

~

This will not be the last time I leave this place

Discomfort and I have come face to face

Adrenaline rushes through my every vein

I’ve left my home once and I’ll do it again.

~

Why must I leave and go off on my own?

Why can I not be content to stay home?

What do I gain from adventuring out,

but nervousness, anxiousness, fear, and self-doubt?

~

At home I feel safe, I feel warm, I feel love,

I’ve got everything I could ever dream of!

Home has enriched all my summers in past

Why must I venture and ruin my last?

~

I tend to deny what has called me abroad

No choice of my own, but that of my God

For when I am home I too often forget

My purpose in life and the One I have met.

~

Comfort, though kind, can be more foe than friend

When comfort is all that one seeks in the end

A life without trials or struggles or fear

Convinces our hearts that we want to stay here.

~

Surely it’s hard to go out on my own

Yet equally true is that I’m not alone

Maybe I fear stepping to the unknown

But grounded in Him, I have never left home.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

How often some young man has had his hand on the door of some place of sin that he is about to enter and the thought has come to him, ‘If I should enter there, my mother might hear of it and it would nearly kill her,’ and he has turned his back on that door and gone away to lead a pure life, that he might not grieve his mother. But there is One who is holier than any mother, One who is more sensitive against sin than the purest woman who ever walked this earth, and who loves us as even no mother ever loved. This One dwells in our hearts, if we are really Christians, and He sees every act we do by day or under the cover of night; He hears every word we utter in public or in private; He sees every thought we entertain, He beholds every fancy and imagination that is permitted even a momentary lodging in our mind, and if there is anything unholy, impure, selfish, mean, petty, unkind, harsh, unjust, or any evil act or word or thought or fancy, He is grieved by it.

R.A. Torrey, The Person and Work of the Holy Spirit

[zerochanceofsurvival]

I am...

June 11, 2017.

I am excited beyond containment.

I have been waiting for this day for what feels like forever and I can’t believe it’s finally here. Even now as I’ve been sitting in a plane for 9 hours with only 3 left until I reach home, I am still in shock that this is happening. I can’t wait to see my family, my friends, my boyfriend. The day that I have been awaiting for so long is finally here and I am so excited.

I am homesick.

When I get homesick I feel almost physically sick, like there is something tugging at my gut. It’s almost like a stomach pain, but not enough to need medicine. It’s just a very specific feeling I get every time I am homesick. I felt it whenever I was younger—coming home from my grandparents house over Christmas break I would feel homesick for their house. I felt it during the flight here and I feel it now during the flight back. Australia deeply and truly became my home for these four months. My host family was my family. A part of me has attached itself to my room in the back of their house, to the CHC campus, to the bike path I took to school each day, and to the 22 other American students and 3 program directors with which I spent the entirety of the journey. That part of me is physically sick to be leaving my Australian home.

I am scared.

God reached out to me in the most beautiful and obvious ways when I was in Australia. I have never been closer with Him, and this is a bond I intend to only develop further. I am terrified that I will leave this incredible, heart-filling bond in Australia. Especially going from a campus where the presence of God is so prevalent to one where the presence of God is so muted, this is a fear that will not be satisfied until I go back in the fall—and even then, it may become a reality. I am so scared that I will lose this incredible hold He has had on me for the last few months.

But I am hopeful.

Prayer is the weapon I have to combat this fear, and I have had a lot of it. From the members of my host family’s church Networkx, to my host parents, to other CHC students and faculty, to my own prayers for myself, this has not been a fear that I have taken lightly. I know with all my heart that God will not be the one to step away from this relationship. If the bond breaks, it will be because of me. And so I can only pray that the hold He has on my life will strengthen me to not allow any situations to break me. I am hopeful for a long and wonderful and challenging and spiritual, lifelong journey with Him by my side every step of the way.

I am miserable.

A part of me wants the program to last another four months so that I could continue to grow in my relationship with God and my friendships with the other American students. Just this last weekend I became closer with certain students I had barely talked to all semester, and it breaks my heart that I have to leave them after developing such a wonderful bond in a short amount of time. Every single student in our group has added value to my life in some way, and I wish I could have developed those relationships more. Hearing all the words of affirmation from Tanner, Steven, Lauren Ci., Marissa, Tarian, Julia E, Bethany, Kathryn, Emily K, Anna, and Jessica B filled me with so much joy but also broke my heart as I realized I may never see these faces again—or at least not for many years. I don’t want to leave this group of amazing friends—an inclusive group where I can fit in with whomever I talk to, and a God-fearing group wherein I can openly share my walk with God without judgment. I will miss this God-centered community with all my heart, and I am miserable to be leaving it so soon.

But I am ready.

Nevertheless, the other part of me is ready to be home with my family and friends and boyfriend. Maybe 4 months is too short, and maybe it’s too long, but even though a part of me wants to stay, the other part of me is glad this is over. This has been an amazing chapter in my life and without a doubt it has been the best semester—bad times and good times included. But I am ready to move past the comfort zone I have created in Australia and back into my old comfort zone where I will now feel some discomfort in drastically shifting the way I live my life from focusing on myself and my reputation, to focusing only on Him. I have learned so much in Australia that will equip me for a God-centered life, and I am ready to apply those lessons to my walk at home. It’s easy to grow in a relationship with God when you’re abroad, forced to lean on Him for everything in your loneliness, and you’re on a God-filled campus with a strong community backing you up. It’s harder to go back and be changed when almost everyone will expect you to be exactly how you were when you left. I am not the same person I was four months ago. God has transformed my life and my goals and my perspectives, and I am ready to live that out at home, and wherever I ago, for the rest of my life on earth.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

God is good.

May 23, 2017.

I’ll be honest. It’s been a stressful few weeks. And not for the reasons you might expect either. Assignments were no problem, classes went smoothly, life has been genuinely good and I am so thankful for that. But, there’s always been a little bit of stress in every day.

I’ll give a quick summary of the past few weeks. I switched from a psychology major to a business major my sophomore year of college, which is quite the drastic change. I found that being a year behind meant that the next few years had to be tightly packed with specifically chosen and meticulously planned classes (something I’m quite good at). But, in order for me to study abroad, I had to do it spring semester of my sophomore year and I had to make up a core business class that summer. The consequence of failing to do this: another whole year of tuition---another whole year spent at my university. In other words, time I couldn’t waste and costs I couldn’t afford.

Naturally, I was aware of this, and I planned well (or so I thought). I had set in stone by April a way to take the necessary class over summer. However, seven days into May, the class was canceled due to low enrollment.

I was frantic. I spent the next 3 weeks sporadically applying to community colleges and shoving my transcripts and prerequisite clearance forms down their throats to no prevail. Every single one of my community college options fell through. 

So, I had one last desperate attempt to avoid spending another year in college. I emailed my home university (where I had originally planned to take the class over summer before it was canceled) and I asked if I could take the class during the same semester as the class for which it was a prerequisite---an option I had tried before that was already denied.

That was this morning. And all of today I’ve been a weird mix of frustrated, yet completely calm. I knew the situation was out of my hands at that point, that I had done everything I could do, and so I just kinda spent the whole day thinking, “Alright God, what’s going on?”

I wasn’t angry with Him. In fact, I had come to terms with paying for a fifth year of school. If that was the plan He had for my life, I’d be okay with it. I told Him, “I really want this class thing to work now, but Your will be done, not mine.”

And then the strangest and most wonderful thing happened.

At lunch today, when I was sitting on a bench by myself minding my own business, I noticed a fellow student that I had never seen before. After 12 weeks at a school with less than 300 students, I saw someone new. And the thought popped into my head, “He’s going to come pray for me,” immediately followed by a, “No, that’s dumb, why would a stranger do that?”

Lo and behold, he did approach me, and he said, “Pardon me if I’m wrong, but I feel very strongly that the Lord wanted me to come and pray for you.” And I said, “Funny you should say that.”

So I explained my whole situation and he told me, “Well, considering how the Lord specifically called me to pray for you, I think it’s clear that He’s got a plan for you. He’s got this under control.” And he prayed for comfort and for some kind of solution.

His name was Joe. We talked for a bit after he prayed for me, and when he left he said, “I hope you feel comforted.” And I did, I really did. I walked into my next class smiling and bubbly, understanding that God is the only one who should be worrying about my problems, because they’re out of my hands. Even though it was still likely I’d have to drop another huge chunk of cash on my university, I was in such a good mood. Why? Jeremiah 29:11.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

That verse kept running through my head all throughout class, and I came to realize that whatever happens, it is all a part of God’s plan to prosper me---not to harm me. It might not be the outcome that I want, but it will be the one that I need. He knows what is best for me, and having confidence in that is such a relief.

So, I went about my day, happy as ever. I got home, pleaded my case to the dean at one community college, bugged the administration office at another community college, and went on to do some homework.

And then another strange and wonderful thing happened.

At 6:31pm I received an email from the Dean of Accounting at my home university. It read,

“Hi Alyssa, I will grant you an exception to take both classes simultaneously in Fall 2017.”

...

...

...

What?

I was ecstatic. And in all of my excitement, I realized to the extent how intricate God’s plan was for me: when I originally petitioned to take these classes simultaneously, I was denied because the material in the prerequisite was necessary information that I would not know if I took both classes at the same time. But it took my home university’s cancellation of my original plan and the explanation of my strenuous efforts to create back-up plans that all fell through for my university to allow me the option that was the most favorable all along---the one in which I could work more hours over summer (due to one less summer class), in which I could still graduate in 4 years, only have to deal with the stress of 1 summer class, and gain a scholarship that I would have lost if I was unable to take the class.

This was the only thing that I had worried about when deciding to study abroad in Australia. But through it all, something in me knew I had to come here---something I couldn’t explain. And now I know why.

God has provided me with the best possible case scenario, all because He wanted me to come to Australia. Why? Because He knew I would find Him here.

God is SO good.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

The Artist.

May 15, 2017.

“Wow,” she said, 

“God is quite the artist.” 

He laughed. 

“What?” she asked. 

“It’s just funny how you think the natural processes of the world—the atmospheric movement of the clouds, the reflection of light from the setting sun that descends as the Earth spins rapidly around it, the reflective surface of the water—could all be part of some art piece painted by an imaginary man in the sky.” 

She smiled. 

“What?” he asked. 

“Jonathan,” she began, “If I were to paint a picture exactly like this, with its vibrant colours and proportional clouds and reflections, would you applaud the work of the brushes I used and the colours I chose, denying my role in painting the picture?” 

He scoffed. 

“And surely,” she continued, grinning, “you wouldn’t assume that the paint brushes and colours magically created the picture by themselves? Or that some unexplainable force dropped a bucket of paint on a blank canvas and something like this was the result?” 

He rolled his eyes, 

“You’re always looking for something that just isn’t there.” 

“And you’re always ignoring what’s right in front of you.” 

They both laughed. The sun finished its setting and the bright pinks and oranges faded to greys and blacks. 

“Where’s your artist now?” he asked. 

And she smiled at him because her heart was full of endless joy and love—that which was not her own and which she could not deny. 

“Painting another picture.” 

What a beautiful world we share.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

What is Humility?

April 30, 2017.

“Thousands of humans have been brought to think that humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools.” - C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters 

What is humility? Well, how about we start with what humility is not. Humility is not a low opinion of one’s own talents and character. It is not the putting down of oneself, or the idea that I must believe I am bad so that I can see others as good. It is not the lowering of one’s spirit—the, “Well, you’re way better than me. I suck,” or, “I play [insert some instrument or sport or talent], but I’m not any good at it.” This is not humility. In trying to combat my pride, I often get stuck in this very pattern, which C.S. Lewis describes so well in The Screwtape Letters: "Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, ‘By Jove! I’m being humble’, and almost immediately pride–pride at his own humility–will appear. If he awakes to the danger and tries to smother this new form of pride, make him proud of his attempt–and so on.” 

The problem with all the above attempts at humility is that they focus too much on me. I am no good at this talent. I have low opinions of my talents and character. The “humility” described above is better categorized as self-degradation. It is the persistent act of a man forcing himself to believe he is worthless, or a woman forcing herself to believe she is talentless. Even the dictionary defines humility as “the quality of having a modest or low view of one’s importance.” 

So then what is it? How can I be humble? Should I instead be exalting myself and thinking myself wonderful? Should I focus less on putting myself down and more on applauding myself? Well, now we’re just stepping back into pride’s territory. 

Here’s the thing: if the problem with both attempts at humility, degrading oneself and exalting oneself, are too focused on me, then, naturally, what should the solution be? Let’s turn to our good friend C.S. Lewis who has thought about these same issues and wrote, 

"You must therefore conceal from the patient the true end of Humility. Let him think of it not as a self-forgetfulness but as a certain kind of opinion (namely, a low opinion) of his own talents and character…[God] would rather the man thought himself a great architect or a great poet and then forgot about it, than that he should spend much time and pains trying to think himself a bad one."  

Humility, in one hyphenated word, is self-forgetfulness. It is not an inward focus in any way, shape, or form. I can not be humble if I spend all my time analyzing my own importance, because with too much time spent in this area there are only two results: degradation or pride, both of which are not humility. 

Instead, humility is an outward focus. It is the realization that God has made everyone awesome. Rather than comparing my talents to yours and making sure I see myself as worse than you, why not celebrate both of our talents because God gave them to us? We are all made in God’s image. We are all valuable beyond measure. We have all been given different gifts and talents that should be celebrated, not compared against each other. 

When I believe I am a great architect or a great poet and then forget it, I am not neglecting the talent I have been given. I am, however, choosing not to over-analyse how great I am. I am great, and that’s where the self-evaluation should always end. Because after it should be the remark, “and so are you!” 

Psalm 139:14 says, "I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” How much easier (though still difficult, I understand) would humility be if we remembered that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made?

[zerochanceofsurvival]

A Step Forward: Habits I Hope to Improve.

April 29, 2017.

The first step to solving any problem is realizing that there is one. If I do not know that my window is cracked because I always keep the blinds closed, how will it get fixed? Following along with that metaphor, how will I see that my window is cracked if I never open the blinds to check? 

Needless to say, I’ve opened my blinds recently and, yep, the window is cracked. My previous post on April 1 of this year (not an April Fools joke, surprisingly) is evidence of that. I am plagued with deeply-rooted seeds of pride, judgment, condemnation, jealousy of others, and much, much more, that have grown into long rows of giant, wicked, sharp thorns. So, now I’m in the pruning process. 

I’ve struggled a lot with what to do to fix this crack in my window, these thorns in my garden, this darkness that has overcome my heart. The majority of my problem is not in physical actions that I can ask friends to point out so that I can realize when to stop, but rather it is in mental actions that only I can point out, yet rarely do I pick up on them until they have already played out their course. I’ll find myself scrolling through Facebook pages, or watching people in the mall, or simply having normal conversations with friends, and I will be elevating myself to the extreme, shoving these people below me, and sending them to hell in my mind. And then, moments after mentally mutilating them, I will pick up on what I have just done. The rampant, violent woman steps back to see bodies and bodies covered in their own blood, and looks down at their blood on her own hands, only to suddenly realize the evil she has committed. 

But I, unlike Macbeth, am not in blood stepped in so far that, should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go o’er. In fact, though still stepped far in blood, I am eager to return towards the tedious journey to redemption, rather than continuing to go o'er. And here is where this post takes a dramatic shift in attitude from despair for a disease to hope for a cure. 

I have described in detail the habits which have plagued my mind. I have articulated the methods and thought processes of my pride, my judgment, my condemnation, my jealousy, and the ways in which each habit causes me to mentally treat others. Now, I will do the opposite. Now, I will describe in detail the habits I want to have in place of those mentioned above, and I will articulate the methods and thought processes I want to practice in order to achieve this change. Certainly, this will be no easy transformation. It will be a tedious back-tracking through the blood I have stepped so far into, but as C.S. Lewis so beautifully states in The Screwtape Letters, “He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles.” 

I am willing to walk. And here are the steps I will be taking. 

Pride. Humility. I am not my own. I did not create myself. Everything that makes me amazing has been given to me by a God who loves me. This is the same God who has made everyone else equally amazing in their own way. I am made in the image of God, and so are the rest of his created people. We are all valuable beyond measures in His eyes, and therefore each of us should be valuable beyond measures to each other. When I look at someone, all I want to see in them is what God sees in them—a beautiful, valuable creation, who was fearfully and wonderfully made. 

When I begin to feel prideful, I will remind myself that everyone is made in God’s image.

Judgment. Encouragement. I am a support to others. Who cares if someone is dressed a certain way or acts a certain way? I want to encourage the person inside these outer looks and actions. Wear what you want, say what you want, act how you want. I am not here to control you or show you the right way to live, because I myself do not know. However, I am here to encourage you in your spiritual walk, and to push you towards God, because He knows the right way to live. So what if you broke that rule or belittled that person? Who am I to judge? I will not accept these actions as right in my heart, and I will not agree with them or support them, but I also will not impose on you my own preconceived notions and perceptions towards your behavior. My only desire is to point you towards God with my words, my actions, my character, my habits—with all of my inner being, and to wholeheartedly and expressively encourage you to walk into His arms. 

When I begin to feel judgmental, I will focus on how I can instead wholeheartedly encourage each person with my words, my actions, my character, my habits, and all of my inner being.

Condemnation. Love. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. I know that you are valuable and worthy of endless love, and God does too. Yes, God and I are both looking at you and thinking, “My beloved.” At times I may be too shy to express this wholehearted love to you in words, but I will do my best to show you through my actions. When you are feeling worthless, I will remind you how truly amazing you are. When you are feeling depressed and unmotivated, I will lift you up as best as I can. When you are experiencing loss and pain, I will hold this burden with you. And when you are feeling joyful and accomplished, I will rejoice with you as if rejoicing for myself. Because in all that I do, I just want you to feel loved. 

When I start to condemn others, I will think of ways to show them that they are loved instead.

Jealousy. Generosity. I have so much to give. My love, my friendship, my time, my possessions, my fun, my encouragement, my conversation, my comfort—and all these things I long to share with you. Not because I pity you and I feel as if you need these things from me, but because it brings me endless joy to give these things to you. I want to give you my love when you feel abandoned, my friendship when you feel lonely, my time when you feel stressed, my possessions when you need them more, my fun when you feel bored, my encouragement when you feel weak, my conversation when you feel unheard, and my comfort when you feel pain. These are only some of the things I have to give, and I am beyond eager to give these things to you. 

When I begin to feel jealous of someone, I will focus instead on what I can give to them; not to one-up them with what I have, but to engage them with the intent of sharing God’s love through whatever I have to offer.

~

Look not at the present actions and reflexes of my wicked heart, but rather at my tireless effort and eager hope for redemption and the steps I am determined and willing to take to get there. I am pruning these thorns, and perhaps my thorns will one day produce roses.

[zerochanceofsurvival]

The coming and leaving of friends, the experiences of love and betrayal, of care and indifference, of generosity and stinginess can become the way to true human freedom. Yes, people who love us also disappoint us, moments of great satisfaction also reveal unfulfilled needs, being home also shows us our homelessness. But all of these tensions can create in us that deep, deep yearning for full freedom that is beyond any of the structures of our world.

Can You Drink the Cup? by Henri J. M. Nouwen