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zerohourdiary · 9 months ago

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Notes and reactions from reading.

You said it was fun. You've told me you cried after. Here you seem to just say it was fun.

You make it seem like being friends with you was a possibility while with her. It wasnt. We both made that clear. Why I had to go no contact. I didn't want to.

Regretting sharing with me is a bad sign. I would have found out, you posted about it on both your tumblrs. It wouldnt have been less hurt for me. How exactly do you think you could have kept it from me? If he came after you like i did, you would have dated him even when I was back.

Theres a difference in getting in a relationship after healing and getting in one less than a month after i was gone. It made me feel like i was nothing to you. I risked my marriage for you and you moved on so fast. You were not in the right mind to be in any mind of relationship. Me not wanting that doesnt mean I want you to just pine for me and suggesting that is cruel.

Again. Theres a difference inbetween wife and fuckboy. You dont have to do everything perfectly all the time. Thats hyperbole and you fucking know it. A fling is fine i guess (if you're in a good mindset and you werent) but you said you wouldn't have done it if we were "actually" dating. Means what we had was lesser to you. No way around it. If you could do it after what we had but not if we were really dating, it's inherently less. You'll say I'm being cruel but I'm just saying the fact of the matter. Partly hoping you have some explanation that makes sense that I didnt think of. But pointing out what you words mean to me and make me feel and make logical sense isn't being cruel. It's pointing out the truth.

Why did the age matter for just friendship?

You told me if things took off with him, there was nothing i could do. I didnt pit you against either of my exes like that. I told you I would fight for you amd you pushed back. I get why, but still. We were in active competition, not just in my mind like it is in yours. If not actual in your head, you still made it seem that way. I never said that with either of my exes.

I would have left. You gave me a deadline. It might have happened sooner but there was so much shit going on that summer. Ypu make it seem like i would have made it last forever but there was a deadline and i took it seriously.

Pretty much how I thought. We wouldn't be together if Kyle gave you the same energy I did.

You said you had every intention of coming back the first time, seems you didnt have that the second. Again. Not being cruel, just looking back at your mindset and that seems to be the case. You'll say no but your actions and words dont match.

There was only one line you wouldn't cross. I dont know why pointing that out got that reaction from you. It wasnt to point out i think less of you because I dont. Just that I have lines that he didnt. None of what I said was to be cruel. Telling you how things are presented to me and make me feel isnt cruel and calling me that for sharing my feelings is creeping up on gaslighting. I wrote it two years ago and should have phrased things better, been less blunt. But the truth of it and how it makes me feel isn't cruelty.

I am not calling you a whore or slut or anything like it. Just pointing out that you have boundaries for me that you didnt for him and that's backwards

I dont think you're trash. I dont hint at that at all. As far as being in the black, i was never "just being ugly" like you were to me. I hurt you but only as a side effect of not turning my world upside down. You constantly undervalue all I gave up just for a shot with you

Top=bra sure but when you go to a topless bar they're not wearing bras so not crazy to ask for clarification.

You answered questions about what you're looking for as not sure and other ones indicating you weren't looking for just friends. You could have said looking for friends. You didn't. You weren't looking for strictly platonic.

I dont remember calling them dating apps but they were for friends. Had friends in the title maybe but dont remember.

She staid platonic with them. You didn't. Dont know what you're trying to prove here. Nothing about believing her and not you, just facts of what happened. And she didnt go in looking for a kiss as a possibility. Stopped hanging out with a couple because they wanted that. That's platonic. You went in platonicish. Platonic+. Not the same. She did it in a healthier way. How you should have. We'd be better off if you did. But that doesn't mean I think she's better. Shes just a first hand example. She did a lot of shit wrong in the aftermath, it was just that one point i was telling you.

Never told me about okcupid and tinder, both very much not for finding friends. So what i thought. Hinge is also for hookups

You're not right about the script. You're looking for reasons to be less honest with me then talk about me not trusting you. What the fuck? I do trust you. I ask questions hoping you can make it make sense. I wouldn't be here still if I didnt trust you. But comments like that or about how you wish you didn't tell me about light work because i brought up the questions is not being trustworthy. It's not. You make it hard, fuck! I would have asked you about them even if you were busy. I needed them amd told you that repeatedly. I need to be a priority.

(Name redacted), I would have fucking known about it. Not answering my questions is why we're fucking here. Why I didn't go to Nick's wedding. Why we haven't met yet.

Me trying to get to the truth of your intentions and mindset is not being cruel. If looking at the truth hurts thats on you. Im not slut shaming you. Ive told you over and over if you had gone and fucked him but regretted it and not gone back and not pitted him against me, then we wouldn't be here. But you repeat the same old lines trying to make it seem like I'm slut shaming you.

You contradicted yourself here. Earlier you said that dating him could have happened. ****. Now you say you'd have always chosen me.

I didn't let it fester. You do. This all could have been done a long time ago. Im sorry the questions got more and more invasive but time and thinking about you there and you not answering just snowballed. This could have been done so fucking long ago and it's your fault not mine.

I dont force kyle in that corner. You have by taking so fucking long to answer. He could have been gone almost 3 years ago but you refused. Why?!? Why make this so fucking hard.

(Name redacted), You needed to answer my fucking questions. You delayed it. Not me. I told you what i needed and you wasted time making me wait then talked about losing hope for us. It was in your hands. I took it because I couldnt wait any more and hoped you'd answer what i needed.

I think in asking questions that i answer or make statements on its in hope of you having an answer that makes it make sense. Like i cant figure out a puzzle and hopefully you have the answer but i dont want the hear the obvious ways I tried to solve it

I didnt want you to reread to force you into a headspace that hurt. You said you wanted to go back, remember? I wanted you to see how it really was. How it was for me. It wasnt a headspace of hurt for you, it was for me and thats the only reason its a hurt for you. Why are you phrasing it like I was forcing you back into a traumatic time? Again, it was for me. It was a fun and light fall for you. Needing you to see the reality of how itnwas for me isnt forcing you relive trauma, but to see mine first hand. I get it. You're angry. But you misrepresent me and my intentions. I do too. We both need to work on that.

Taylor isnt a good sounding board. Find someone else. Her advice led us here. I don't know why you dont hate her for that. She's a fucking no body. Kate is still in contact with some of my family ( i dont know how much just know there is some). Its not the same fucking universe. I dont talk to her except divorce related stuff and then randomly getting mail in my old place. We might catch up a little when things come up but its like a work acquaintance. And that's rare.

How did you greet eachother when you first met? Each time.

Are you unwilling or unable to give me what I need? Neither is good.

I prepared myself to not compete with other men for a woman because thats not what I wanted. It hurt too much, it wasn't worth it. I decided that years ago, as a kid. Soemthing I told myself Id never do. But i couldn't prepare for you. How much i loved you and wanted to be with you. How you would be worth it. I couldn't comprehend how I could feel for someone like I do for you. If i didnt love you and choose you, finding out you slept with someone else so soon would have been hard to come back from. If you were anybody else, knowing you went back to that same fucking guy after we started talking again would have been the end of it. I would never have wanted to talk to or see that person if it was anyone but you. And you're the only one I'd stick with this long after repeatedly telling you what I need and you not giving it to me. I choose you every fucking day we talk. I blew up my whole life for a chance to compete for you and you act like it's fucking nothing. Like I don't choose you. Like you're all that's left and I'm stuck with you. You're all that's left because I made it so. You have done nothing even remotely close, haven't given up anything like I have to make sure that us being together is a possibility. For all intents and purposes, your life is unchanged by what happened in 2021. Your situation is the same. Mine is completely different. Again, because I made it so. For you. I choose you. I chose you. I'll continue to choose you.

But you want more from me without having to talk about what almost ended us after I've answered all your questions about my ex.

You don't avoid asking me questions for my sake. You do it so you dont seem like a hypocrite by not answering mine. I remember you asking me at one point if everytime you brought up my ex I'd bring him up because it happened a lot. Your questions made me think of questions. Thats probably a big part of why you stopped asking. You didnt want my questions and were willing to stop yours to not have to answer mine.

I cant be my best self and not get what I need.

You say it opens up old wounds. What wounds? If it was just a fucking fling, it shouldn't be this hard to talk about. You talk about Anthony and the ways he hurt you. That should be hard to talk about. You were with him for years. This fucking fuck boy and your time with him shouldn't be this hard to talk about. It doesn't make sense. You say I dont trust you. I do. But you dont make sense. This being so hard to talk about doesn't make sense so it makes you saying it was nothing hard to believe. Something that was nothing shouldn't ruin your whole day or days answering questions about. That makes no sense to me. I just want you to make it make some kind of sense to me. Again. That doenst mean I dont trust you. I wouldn't be here if I didnt.

Also, just realized you talk about wishing you didnt tell me about what happened with him a lot. Things around that. But never that you wish you didn't go in the first place. Maybe that's implied but still. You've repeatedly reminded me that you wish you were less open and honest with me but not that you wish you were more devoted to me then. Thats not right, saying devoted to me. I guess more just that you were smarter and less reckless.

email initial unfiltered thoughts

Lots more thoughts in the moment. Gonma have to talk about this.

Main thing, why dod that take so fucking long? Why? We I told you I needed it and you let two years waste and then you blame me for not getting together. I, again, broke my rules to be with you and hoped you'd answeer regardless because it was too much time and I wanst sure you ever would. But I would have gone to Nick's wedding. We'd have dated at least a year and a half earlier. What about this was so hard?

I wrote most of those questions the same night I got the first email where you didn't answer many things we talked about on skype. We talked about the timeline of how things went down with him amd I expected it in the first. Most of the rest were scattered in different places but written in 2022. I should have restructured and rewrote, but I was never being cruel especially intentionally. It was telling you how ou made me feel amd how things seemed to me and other explanations didnt make sense. You brought things like talking to Kyle on his birthday when you didn't really intend to because you were being "ugly", I never did that.

You clearly haven't forgiven me for 2021 and you try to make it look Like i haven't forgiven you or am slut shaming you. I never called you a slut or slut shamed you. You are projecting that on me. What you did was slutty in the college hookup culture kind of way but that's not inherently bad and I never said that until now. But wanting to cover it up is so fucking scary. And using him against me was shitty. You have to know that. And you pretty mucb confirmed what I feared (even though you contradict yourself) that if Kyle gave you the energy I did and it turned to something more, then i couldn't stop it.

You also never answered if you showed anyone my pictures and why or why not.

Lots of other thoughts but my mind is all over. Gonna repost with what I wrote while resding last night.

Also, I didnt see this until last night because I never check that email. Even if I did, wouldnt have had a chance to read before October started so that's kind of sucky. I looked for it in my regular email because I forgot we did most of it on the other.

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zerohourdiary · 9 months ago

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email initial unfiltered thoughts

Lots more thoughts in the moment. Gonna have to talk about this.

Main thing, why did that take so fucking long? Why? We I told you I needed it and you let two years waste and then you blame me for not getting together. I, again, broke my rules to be with you and hoped you'd answeer regardless because it was too much time and I wanst sure you ever would. But I would have gone to Nick's wedding. We'd have dated at least a year and a half earlier. What about this was so hard?

You also never answered if you showed anyone my pictures and why or why not.

Lots of other thoughts but my mind is all over. Gonna repost with what I wrote while resding last night.

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zerohourdiary · 9 months ago

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It's almost the end of September and we've been doing pretty well. You've been working on your answers and that's good, but it's still taking too long. Don't let this go into October.

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zerohourdiary · 11 months ago

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Skype

I think you should go back and read you skype messages through the eyes of an outsider. Why do you like me? Why are you with me? The picture you paint of me in those messages isn't of someone that you should be with. So you have to ask yourself, why are you with me if how you describe me on skype is accurate. And if it's not accurate, why are you presenting me like that?

To clear up some things. I never said in time I'd get over it, at least not in my email to you. I said I'd be ok with it if you decides you didn’t want to answer and wanted to drop things. Which I felt I had to say. Everything with Florence was so fresh, I was scared that pushing would make me lose you amd you'd go back to him. You've said you basically made me go out with you, but I should have waited. It was too soon. That's why we broke up. You imply that I've said you didnt need to answer more recently, but I've been pretty clear on needing answers since we broke up. And you said that your words are iron and mine can change to meet my fancy, thats not true. I only want you to try and get back into the mindset of when you were there when answering my questions, not using your current perspective because that changes things.

What do you mean when you talk about all the ways I've hurt you? Are you talking a out recent things, or everything while I was still with my wife? It's really shitty to say "you were married the whole time" when you fucking know I turned my world upside to just to have a chance with you. I've said it before, but for all intents and purposes, you day-to-day life hasn't changed because of me. Mine has changed drastically. So throwing the fact that I was married even though I was seperated and would have signed the papers a long time ago is so fuckin shitty. She was suppose to do it. I didn't want to push too hard and make it ugly. I tried to hurry her without pushing too much. It's fucked to judge me for that.

And again, to be clear, I didn't dump you for her. You've said that. We got together too soon. I hadn't worked out my feelings about ending things with her amd jumping right in with you. I needed time and space to sort myself out and heal. And you turn that into me leaving you for her. That's not what happened. I'm pretty sure thats not what I told you happened, but I'm sorry if how I said things made you think that.

Slightly unrelated note but something else that needs clearing up, the having children thing. It's not that I've changed my mind and definitely nees kids now, it's that you've changed course and are a definite no now. It's jarring for you to make such a sudden turn. You talked about doing sexy things while the kids were asleep and we were up wrapping presents. Talked about how breedable you are. And now its an absolute no. I'd have a similar reaction if you went the opposite way and saif you needed kids. Im in the middle and I thought you were too. Making a clear choice on your own is what throws me off.

There are lots of other things on skype that I can address and need to at some point, but I'm tired. But if what you're saying on skype is protecting me then I must be a huge fucking asshole and I'd hate to see what you say when you're attacking me. P.S. the post that had a like was a bot and was blocked, I sincerely doubt any actual human besides you will ever read this, but having your name out there wasnt something I meant to do and I'll fix it. Sorry.

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zerohourdiary · 1 year ago

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Limbo

I'm tired of this limbo. And want to move forward. I want us to be more. Want you to be my girlfriend. And you not hide me this time. Actually tell your parents.

But...

I need you to answer my fucking questions first. It's been way too long. It's non-negotiable. If you can't, then we not only cant move forward, butbwe can't stay in this limbo either. I want to tell you that but I'm afraid of your reaction.

Just... answer the fucking questions

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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2 years, part 2

10-25-23

I needed more from you today, again. You acted like it was any other day, again. Ignoring what its the anniversary of and that I might need more tlc. I'm sure its hard for you too so I get it, but still.

You told me I deserve to feel like myself. Be myself. But being myself with you just pushes you away or makes you shutdown. I haven't changed. I've been consistent. My needs have been consistent. You said you wanted to meet my needs emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. Definitely havent with the last one in a while. And the other two? Its hard to say you have when my biggest emotional and psychological need as gone unmet for almost two years. You say you hope I dont wish I didn't exist again. But baby, its going that way. Im apathetic in such an intense way. I see my family as little as possible and avoid being seen anywhere as much as possible. I can't keep going like this. Something needs to change.

You haven't met me in the middle. You've receded further and further back. I have cut back so much. Which maybe is hard to see since it comes out a lot still. But I cut back on the kinky things then pretty much completely cut it out. Cut down on frequency and intensity. And been mindful to be affectionate. Which really just means not being discouraged when you dont send hearts or say I love you or anything first. I always want to say those things but when you do them less for whatever reason I start pulling back to match. But I've worked on not doing that. Talking about the future in more certain terms. Trying to do what you say you need. And yet you still pull back. I'm not doing anything just so you'll be sexual in return, but thats a way to connect and not having it isnt good, especially combined with you seeming far less into me. You feel distant. And the less sexual I am, you get even less sexual. Starting videos after you're dressed or ending them before you undress. Or send a 3 minute video that has 3 seconds of boobs while you're moving and immediately hiding. You're hiding from me. And not reciprocating. And I know being sexual is hard but so long without being desired is hard for me too. This long stretch of it not being reciprocated has warn me down. Its hard to be turned down over and over and over and over again. I feel unwanted and undesired. You are less into me than you use to be. Less devoted. I can't deal with this luke warm love. I love you.

I haven't been doing well. Hard year. Things are hard. This period of time in the year is hard. I look to connect with you sexually because I need that kind of distraction through it. I know its been hard to be sexual for you for the last long while and being sick doesn't help. I appreciate you trying. I really do. I feel bad because I think you only do because I want you to and I think maybe you're afraid not to. I don't want that. I think your video made it obvious to me that you really don't want to. And it sucks because I need you to want to. Our needs are at odds. I feel unwanted and stuck. And it makes me go down bad rabbit holes of how things were there and how I dont have answers and it just snowballs. I need the answers. I don't know, I feel like I had more in my head but its rattled off. Not sleeping well and that doesnt help.

#from drafts

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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Had a disturbing thought

10-17-23

Just past midnight and had a bad thought. I went back and looked at our texts before your second meeting. You initiated it. After complete silence since your first meeting, you reached out the day before your second meeting. It was good to talk to you. We talked all day. However, you did tell me about going to meet him a second time. You hadn't admitted to me about what had gone on the first time yet but I think we both knew I at least thought that happened. So my thought is, what if you reached out just so I would know? Like the first time, knowing you were there and you didn't respond so I knew you were there all night. Same thing this time. You weren't responding so my imagination could run wild knowing what you were likely doing. What if that was your intent? Wanting for me to suffer thinking about you with someone else? And I use to think that wasn't something you'd do. But I don't know. You were hurt. You did a lot of things out of spite in that time. Maybe you wanted me to know what was going on. You told me pretty soon after anyway. I don't know. I'm starting to think you did. And I'll just never understand why you went back

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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2 years

10-16-23

I needed more from you today. It's been two years and that's all I've been thinking about today (the last few days really). I needed a distraction from it and you couldn't do it for me. I get it. But still. I hate it. The days not over. Help forget what was going on this morning two years ago.

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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Fraiser

10-15-23

Season 4 frasier niles helps a basketball player in 2 minutes. Daphne says she should spend an hour or two on the couch with him. Thought of your 8 hrs. Not even frasier is safe. You talked about going to movies and I couldn't stop thinking about the last time you went to a movie and who you were with. I slept on a couch last night and of course I thought about it. Answer my fucking questions. I'll keep getting reminders like this until you do. We can't move forward until you do. I might have to pull the plug on everything unless you do. I can't do this anymore. It just makes things worse and worse, especially combined with your distance lately. Your affection being lukewarm at best. Inability to be sexual at all. I feel unwanted and stuck and will not stay here for that much longer.

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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On having problems sexually

Undated from notes, added to several times

You ask about what if you struggle sexually. It's hard because it's different depending on when. If you struggle with me right away, it would bother me because you should have struggled sexually when you were with him. But you didn't. You went with it and went back for more.

And going through phases of it is ok. I told you before we would have other ways of connecting to get through it. But if we don't establish that sexual chemistry first? That makes it hard. Makes it hard to believe it's there in person. And it's hard when the time it'll last is unclear. A week? Sucks but not too bad. A month? Much harder but doable. An entire season? Getting a lot harder. 6 months without being really sexual at all and a year of it not feeling like you're really in it? That's so fucking hard. I've paid my time in the "My partner doesn't desire me sexually" club and I'm done with it. Especially since when we were talking about what we would do if we met, you didn't list anything sexual as a priority and that's a problem. It has to be a priority. To keep it alive, we have to make it a priority.

You say sex is closely tied with shame and its not a healing thing for you, and yet you turned to it with kyle and then basked in it on tumblr

I talked to you twice on your birthday even though I had work because i knew you wanted it. I talked to you on my birthday becuase i knew you wanted it

You say you're sad that you don't think I think your worth waiting for and having lines. I wish you fucking waited with kyle. You would have had the lines until you let him through all of them instantly. And you want to make me wait? Its about safety? So you feel safer with him than me? Fuck off with that shit. Putting lines on me when you let him blow right by them without a thought would make me feel lesser and I'm tired of feeling that way. And to be clear, even without your whole florence ordeals, I wouldn't want lines. Remember that post I made on tumblr about wanting to be desired? Wondering when someone will ache for me? I want someone that can't wait to have their hands on me and mine on them. I want the passion and desire. Especially with you since its been such a long buildup. I'm tired of waiting.

But you deserve to have them. I want you to have them. But anything less than me cumming inside you right off the bat would make me feel unwanted. Easier to resist. And thats not something i want to feel again. You might have to find it with someone else

You were picturing what its like to kiss him while telling me you were devoted like the girl in secretary. She wasn't fucking picturing kissing other men. Strictly platonic my ass.

You say you don't want to be looked at or touched. Again. Why the fuck didn't you feel that way with kyle? God damn it. Why cant you talk about it now? At least fucking help me understand it. But no, just leave me hanging and wonder why we're not back together

It makes your suffering seem fake. Performative. Especially since you send pictures and videos crying. You told me about people doing that to get a reaction and how it's bad, yet you do that to me. You want me to see you hurting. But you felt good enough to be touched by him and then go back and then use him against me. You weren't in pain that November and December. You said you wanted to go back. I am hurting as much or more, I promise you. I just don't let you see.

#from drafts

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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From my notes app

Undated thoughts from my notes app

What did you first say to him on bumble?

You say you feel like porn. What's wrong with it feeling like porn? You said you wanted to be my personal porn star. You sent a bunch of explicit stuff last year, how much did you not want to send? Because you made it seem like you liked me making requests and wanted me to. It felt like we had this nice connection and now it feels like you were maybe faking a lot of it.

Faking isn't the right word. Forcing it maybe. But it didn't feel like that at the time. I checked often. Asked if I made too many requests. You told me you liked it. Liked me asking and wanting to see more. It seems like revisionist history on your part and you're good at that.

Saw a post that said "If you don't make the whore on her come out, you aint the one". Apparently I'm not the one for you. You made a comment about making a note that said "Be a slut or be alone" and I fucking hated it. It's not how I want to look at it. I want someone that fucking wants to be a slut for me. That thinks "I get to be a slut for him!" But that's not you. Not with me. Not anymore and I wonder if ever really.

#from drafts

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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Travel plans

Planning leading up to you being in Illinois

1 way

1883 miles

28 hour drive

2 way

3766 miles

Total gallons of gas used:

35mpg: 107.6

30 mpg: 125.53

Price of gas to drive (35mpg):

average $4.25 = $457.30

$5.00 = $538

$3.75 = $403.80

Price of gas to drive (30mpg):

average $4.25 = $533.50

$5.00 = $627.65

$3.75 = $470.73

Oil used (1 quart every 350 miles)

10.76

~$50

Cost to drive over two days = $450- $630

Cost to fly

$269

Car rental cost

$263

Gas and bus ticket

$75

Total to fly and rent a car=~ $607

#from drafts

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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When you were heading back to Italy

7-11-23

I asked if I could go see you and kidnap you for a couple days and you said no. Not right away, but pretty much made it clear that it wouldn't happen. Which is fair, I get it. It was short notice. Your dad complicated things. But still. It shows that not only have you lost hope in the situation, you've lost interest in me. There is no way that you would have said no in 2022. Or fall of 2021. You would have jumped at the chance. Now, you let it slip away. And I broke my own restrictions again to do it because I just wanted to see you. I told myself I wouldn't see you until you'd answered my questions. But part of me just wanted to bypass that and see you in person and see how it went. There's no bypassing it now. Which is probably for the best.

#from drafts

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zerohourdiary · 2 years ago

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A Chain of Thoughts

2-09-23

I don't think you ever check this blog, but who knows. Don't know if what I post is something I want you to see or not. Not even sure what I'll post. Let me know if you do find come across it, ok? I know you've sent me messages on Skype, I'm just afraid to read them. We've been in this kind of limbo since last summer and I feel like going through those messages might make it hard to stay in that space. We probably shouldn't be in this limbo, but it's been nice, for the most part.

Read your pinned post on tumblr earlier. A little suprised you didn't tell me about posting it. Some of the posts you were tagged in are gone when I searched your username. I wonder if you're deleting stuff again.

You're also posting more than I thought, though it looks like most are scheduled posts. Didn't love your shout out to Taylor. Must still be talking to her. Reminds me that you haven't responded to my email and I wonder if you ever will. I have another email with even more questions. Had it since not too long after the last email, but it has felt like sending it would just make you spiral and it's never felt like a good time. I need to just send it. They're questions that need answers and maybe a new batch will get you to actually respond.

I'm sure you haven't finished going back to read our old messages or anything that you wrote at the time. It's been almost sixteen months since your first Florence excursion, I think you've had enough time to process. You made me answer your questions over and over when I was right in the middle of everything. Doesn't feel like too much to ask to have you give me a clear picture of how everything went town. Help me understand it. You know I need that but it feels like you're just hoping I'll just drop it or forget about it. It also feels like you think I'm trying to punish you but I'm not. I just need to make sense of it all .

I actually pretty surprised that you haven't really asked about my stbe. I'm sure you've wondered. No, nothing is official yet. She's not in a good place financially to file the paperwork, but it's all prepared. We still talk almost every day, but not much. Just little life updates or videos from snapchat. She sends me pics and videos of the cats, which is nice. But we can go several days without any messages and most of the time, there aren't many messages on the days we do talk. It's nowhere near how much you and I talk and not the same kind either.

I went most of the fall without seeing her in person. I grabbed some camping things in August and didn't see her again until I had to pick up some mail in like December. Then saw her a few weeks ago because I had to sign away my rights to the car because the lease was up and ahe was buying it and putting it fully in her name.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship she wants. I offered to take her to the movies because she wanted to see a movie but didn't want to spend the money, but she said she didn't think it was a good idea. Not sure why. We're friends, but incredibly casual friends at that. She knows I still talk to you, so I know that affects what kind of friendship she wants with me, but I don't think she knows what she wants in that regard at all.

#from drafts

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