zerohourdiary - Tumblr blog

[zerohourdiary]

Skype

I think you should go back and read you skype messages through the eyes of an outsider. Why do you like me? Why are you with me? The picture you paint of me in those messages isn't of someone that you should be with. So you have to ask yourself, why are you with me if how you describe me on skype is accurate. And if it's not accurate, why are you presenting me like that?

To clear up some things. I never said in time I'd get over it, at least not in my email to you. I said I'd be ok with it if you decides you didn’t want to answer and wanted to drop things. Which I felt I had to say. Everything with Florence was so fresh, I was scared that pushing would make me lose you amd you'd go back to him. You've said you basically made me go out with you, but I should have waited. It was too soon. That's why we broke up. You imply that I've said you didnt need to answer more recently, but I've been pretty clear on needing answers since we broke up. And you said that your words are iron and mine can change to meet my fancy, thats not true. I only want you to try and get back into the mindset of when you were there when answering my questions, not using your current perspective because that changes things.

What do you mean when you talk about all the ways I've hurt you? Are you talking a out recent things, or everything while I was still with my wife? It's really shitty to say "you were married the whole time" when you fucking know I turned my world upside to just to have a chance with you. I've said it before, but for all intents and purposes, you day-to-day life hasn't changed because of me. Mine has changed drastically. So throwing the fact that I was married even though I was seperated and would have signed the papers a long time ago is so fuckin shitty. She was suppose to do it. I didn't want to push too hard and make it ugly. I tried to hurry her without pushing too much. It's fucked to judge me for that.

And again, to be clear, I didn't dump you for her. You've said that. We got together too soon. I hadn't worked out my feelings about ending things with her amd jumping right in with you. I needed time and space to sort myself out and heal. And you turn that into me leaving you for her. That's not what happened. I'm pretty sure thats not what I told you happened, but I'm sorry if how I said things made you think that.

Slightly unrelated note but something else that needs clearing up, the having children thing. It's not that I've changed my mind and definitely nees kids now, it's that you've changed course and are a definite no now. It's jarring for you to make such a sudden turn. You talked about doing sexy things while the kids were asleep and we were up wrapping presents. Talked about how breedable you are. And now its an absolute no. I'd have a similar reaction if you went the opposite way and saif you needed kids. Im in the middle and I thought you were too. Making a clear choice on your own is what throws me off.

There are lots of other things on skype that I can address and need to at some point, but I'm tired. But if what you're saying on skype is protecting me then I must be a huge fucking asshole and I'd hate to see what you say when you're attacking me. P.S. the post that had a like was a bot and was blocked, I sincerely doubt any actual human besides you will ever read this, but having your name out there wasnt something I meant to do and I'll fix it. Sorry.

[zerohourdiary]

Limbo

I'm tired of this limbo. And want to move forward. I want us to be more. Want you to be my girlfriend. And you not hide me this time. Actually tell your parents.

But...

I need you to answer my fucking questions first. It's been way too long. It's non-negotiable. If you can't, then we not only cant move forward, butbwe can't stay in this limbo either. I want to tell you that but I'm afraid of your reaction.

Just... answer the fucking questions

[zerohourdiary]

2 years, part 2

10-25-23

I needed more from you today, again. You acted like it was any other day, again. Ignoring what its the anniversary of and that I might need more tlc. I'm sure its hard for you too so I get it, but still.

You told me I deserve to feel like myself. Be myself. But being myself with you just pushes you away or makes you shutdown. I haven't changed. I've been consistent. My needs have been consistent. You said you wanted to meet my needs emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. Definitely havent with the last one in a while. And the other two? Its hard to say you have when my biggest emotional and psychological need as gone unmet for almost two years. You say you hope I dont wish I didn't exist again. But baby, its going that way. Im apathetic in such an intense way. I see my family as little as possible and avoid being seen anywhere as much as possible. I can't keep going like this. Something needs to change.

You haven't met me in the middle. You've receded further and further back. I have cut back so much. Which maybe is hard to see since it comes out a lot still. But I cut back on the kinky things then pretty much completely cut it out. Cut down on frequency and intensity. And been mindful to be affectionate. Which really just means not being discouraged when you dont send hearts or say I love you or anything first. I always want to say those things but when you do them less for whatever reason I start pulling back to match. But I've worked on not doing that. Talking about the future in more certain terms. Trying to do what you say you need. And yet you still pull back. I'm not doing anything just so you'll be sexual in return, but thats a way to connect and not having it isnt good, especially combined with you seeming far less into me. You feel distant. And the less sexual I am, you get even less sexual. Starting videos after you're dressed or ending them before you undress. Or send a 3 minute video that has 3 seconds of boobs while you're moving and immediately hiding. You're hiding from me. And not reciprocating. And I know being sexual is hard but so long without being desired is hard for me too. This long stretch of it not being reciprocated has warn me down. Its hard to be turned down over and over and over and over again. I feel unwanted and undesired. You are less into me than you use to be. Less devoted. I can't deal with this luke warm love. I love you.

I haven't been doing well. Hard year. Things are hard. This period of time in the year is hard. I look to connect with you sexually because I need that kind of distraction through it. I know its been hard to be sexual for you for the last long while and being sick doesn't help. I appreciate you trying. I really do. I feel bad because I think you only do because I want you to and I think maybe you're afraid not to. I don't want that. I think your video made it obvious to me that you really don't want to. And it sucks because I need you to want to. Our needs are at odds. I feel unwanted and stuck. And it makes me go down bad rabbit holes of how things were there and how I dont have answers and it just snowballs. I need the answers. I don't know, I feel like I had more in my head but its rattled off. Not sleeping well and that doesnt help.

[zerohourdiary]

Had a disturbing thought

10-17-23

Just past midnight and had a bad thought. I went back and looked at our texts before your second meeting. You initiated it. After complete silence since your first meeting, you reached out the day before your second meeting. It was good to talk to you. We talked all day. However, you did tell me about going to meet him a second time. You hadn't admitted to me about what had gone on the first time yet but I think we both knew I at least thought that happened. So my thought is, what if you reached out just so I would know? Like the first time, knowing you were there and you didn't respond so I knew you were there all night. Same thing this time. You weren't responding so my imagination could run wild knowing what you were likely doing. What if that was your intent? Wanting for me to suffer thinking about you with someone else? And I use to think that wasn't something you'd do. But I don't know. You were hurt. You did a lot of things out of spite in that time. Maybe you wanted me to know what was going on. You told me pretty soon after anyway. I don't know. I'm starting to think you did. And I'll just never understand why you went back

[zerohourdiary]

2 years

10-16-23

I needed more from you today. It's been two years and that's all I've been thinking about today (the last few days really). I needed a distraction from it and you couldn't do it for me. I get it. But still. I hate it. The days not over. Help forget what was going on this morning two years ago.

[zerohourdiary]

Fraiser

10-15-23

Season 4 frasier niles helps a basketball player in 2 minutes. Daphne says she should spend an hour or two on the couch with him. Thought of your 8 hrs. Not even frasier is safe. You talked about going to movies and I couldn't stop thinking about the last time you went to a movie and who you were with. I slept on a couch last night and of course I thought about it. Answer my fucking questions. I'll keep getting reminders like this until you do. We can't move forward until you do. I might have to pull the plug on everything unless you do. I can't do this anymore. It just makes things worse and worse, especially combined with your distance lately. Your affection being lukewarm at best. Inability to be sexual at all. I feel unwanted and stuck and will not stay here for that much longer.

[zerohourdiary]

On having problems sexually

Undated from notes, added to several times

You ask about what if you struggle sexually. It's hard because it's different depending on when. If you struggle with me right away, it would bother me because you should have struggled sexually when you were with him. But you didn't. You went with it and went back for more.

And going through phases of it is ok. I told you before we would have other ways of connecting to get through it. But if we don't establish that sexual chemistry first? That makes it hard. Makes it hard to believe it's there in person. And it's hard when the time it'll last is unclear. A week? Sucks but not too bad. A month? Much harder but doable. An entire season? Getting a lot harder. 6 months without being really sexual at all and a year of it not feeling like you're really in it? That's so fucking hard. I've paid my time in the "My partner doesn't desire me sexually" club and I'm done with it. Especially since when we were talking about what we would do if we met, you didn't list anything sexual as a priority and that's a problem. It has to be a priority. To keep it alive, we have to make it a priority.

You say sex is closely tied with shame and its not a healing thing for you, and yet you turned to it with kyle and then basked in it on tumblr

I talked to you twice on your birthday even though I had work because i knew you wanted it. I talked to you on my birthday becuase i knew you wanted it

You say you're sad that you don't think I think your worth waiting for and having lines. I wish you fucking waited with kyle. You would have had the lines until you let him through all of them instantly. And you want to make me wait? Its about safety? So you feel safer with him than me? Fuck off with that shit. Putting lines on me when you let him blow right by them without a thought would make me feel lesser and I'm tired of feeling that way. And to be clear, even without your whole florence ordeals, I wouldn't want lines. Remember that post I made on tumblr about wanting to be desired? Wondering when someone will ache for me? I want someone that can't wait to have their hands on me and mine on them. I want the passion and desire. Especially with you since its been such a long buildup. I'm tired of waiting.

But you deserve to have them. I want you to have them. But anything less than me cumming inside you right off the bat would make me feel unwanted. Easier to resist. And thats not something i want to feel again. You might have to find it with someone else

You were picturing what its like to kiss him while telling me you were devoted like the girl in secretary. She wasn't fucking picturing kissing other men. Strictly platonic my ass.  

You say you don't want to be looked at or touched. Again. Why the fuck didn't you feel that way with kyle? God damn it. Why cant you talk about it now? At least fucking help me understand it. But no, just leave me hanging and wonder why we're not back together 

It makes your suffering seem fake. Performative. Especially since you send pictures and videos crying. You told me about people doing that to get a reaction and how it's bad, yet you do that to me. You want me to see you hurting. But you felt good enough to be touched by him and then go back and then use him against me. You weren't in pain that November and December. You said you wanted to go back. I am hurting as much or more, I promise you. I just don't let you see.

[zerohourdiary]

From my notes app

Undated thoughts from my notes app

What did you first say to him on bumble?

You say you feel like porn. What's wrong with it feeling like porn? You said you wanted to be my personal porn star. You sent a bunch of explicit stuff last year, how much did you not want to send? Because you made it seem like you liked me making requests and wanted me to. It felt like we had this nice connection and now it feels like you were maybe faking a lot of it.

 Faking isn't the right word. Forcing it maybe.  But it didn't feel like that at the time. I checked often. Asked if I made too many requests. You told me you liked it. Liked me asking and wanting to see more. It seems like revisionist history on your part and you're good at that.

Saw a post that said "If you don't make the whore on her come out, you aint the one". Apparently I'm not the one for you. You made a comment about making a note that said "Be a slut or be alone" and I fucking hated it. It's not how I want to look at it. I want someone that fucking wants to be a slut for me. That thinks "I get to be a slut for him!" But that's not you. Not with me. Not anymore and I wonder if ever really.

[zerohourdiary]

Travel plans

Planning leading up to you being in Illinois

1 way

1883 miles

28 hour drive

2 way

3766 miles

Total gallons of gas used:

35mpg: 107.6 

30 mpg: 125.53

Price of gas to drive (35mpg):

average $4.25 = $457.30

               $5.00 = $538

               $3.75 = $403.80

Price of gas to drive (30mpg):

average $4.25 = $533.50

               $5.00 = $627.65

               $3.75 = $470.73

Oil used (1 quart every 350 miles)

10.76

~$50

Cost to drive over two days = $450- $630

Cost to fly

$269

Car rental cost

$263

Gas and bus ticket

$75

Total to fly and rent a car=~ $607

[zerohourdiary]

When you were heading back to Italy

7-11-23

I asked if I could go see you and kidnap you for a couple days and you said no. Not right away, but pretty much made it clear that it wouldn't happen. Which is fair, I get it. It was short notice. Your dad complicated things. But still. It shows that not only have you lost hope in the situation, you've lost interest in me. There is no way that you would have said no in 2022. Or fall of 2021. You would have jumped at the chance. Now, you let it slip away. And I broke my own restrictions again to do it because I just wanted to see you. I told myself I wouldn't see you until you'd answered my questions. But part of me just wanted to bypass that and see you in person and see how it went. There's no bypassing it now. Which is probably for the best.

[zerohourdiary]

A Chain of Thoughts

2-09-23

I don't think you ever check this blog, but who knows. Don't know if what I post is something I want you to see or not. Not even sure what I'll post. Let me know if you do find come across it, ok? I know you've sent me messages on Skype, I'm just afraid to read them. We've been in this kind of limbo since last summer and I feel like going through those messages might make it hard to stay in that space. We probably shouldn't be in this limbo, but it's been nice, for the most part.

Read your pinned post on tumblr earlier. A little suprised you didn't tell me about posting it. Some of the posts you were tagged in are gone when I searched your username. I wonder if you're deleting stuff again.

You're also posting more than I thought, though it looks like most are scheduled posts. Didn't love your shout out to Taylor. Must still be talking to her. Reminds me that you haven't responded to my email and I wonder if you ever will. I have another email with even more questions. Had it since not too long after the last email, but it has felt like sending it would just make you spiral and it's never felt like a good time. I need to just send it. They're questions that need answers and maybe a new batch will get you to actually respond.

I'm sure you haven't finished going back to read our old messages or anything that you wrote at the time. It's been almost sixteen months since your first Florence excursion, I think you've had enough time to process. You made me answer your questions over and over when I was right in the middle of everything. Doesn't feel like too much to ask to have you give me a clear picture of how everything went town. Help me understand it. You know I need that but it feels like you're just hoping I'll just drop it or forget about it. It also feels like you think I'm trying to punish you but I'm not. I just need to make sense of it all .

I actually pretty surprised that you haven't really asked about my stbe. I'm sure you've wondered. No, nothing is official yet. She's not in a good place financially to file the paperwork, but it's all prepared. We still talk almost every day, but not much. Just little life updates or videos from snapchat. She sends me pics and videos of the cats, which is nice. But we can go several days without any messages and most of the time, there aren't many messages on the days we do talk. It's nowhere near how much you and I talk and not the same kind either.

I went most of the fall without seeing her in person. I grabbed some camping things in August and didn't see her again until I had to pick up some mail in like December. Then saw her a few weeks ago because I had to sign away my rights to the car because the lease was up and ahe was buying it and putting it fully in her name.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship she wants. I offered to take her to the movies because she wanted to see a movie but didn't want to spend the money, but she said she didn't think it was a good idea. Not sure why. We're friends, but incredibly casual friends at that. She knows I still talk to you, so I know that affects what kind of friendship she wants with me, but I don't think she knows what she wants in that regard at all.

[zerohourdiary]

Today

10-15-23

Need to see more of you today. You should know why. I'm not doing well at all. Haven't all year and its just worse and worse. I don't think you realize that at all. Seeing you lifts my spirits. And today... yeah. I'm tired of begging for what you gave him so willingly.