zestyjesterblend - Tumblr blog

[zestyjesterblend]

I’m analyzing why I don’t like things! In a similar way to my post on how I like to kick shows around that I’m not fond of. I’m trying to understand why I don’t particularly enjoy these shows and how they fail in terms of writing and execution. And I always tend to think about how people would respond to my thoughts - because they are not very positive and how maybe my criticism shouldn’t be so negative overall. But like, I am frustrated with these shows. Like they have elements that I would typically enjoy but I just don’t like these shows. I was thinking of a way to describe my frustrations and I somehow decided on using color as a metaphor. I guess.

So, as a representation of my frustrations and criticisms of shows I don’t enjoy I connected with looking at colors. So. I like the color red & I enjoy looking at things that have red in them. I’ve been told that there’s a (noun) that is/has red. I go to look at it but - I don’t like it. I should like it - in theory - it is red after all but no, I don’t. And I don’t really know why. Which irritates me; not the fact that I don’t like it but that I don’t like it and I don’t know why. So all my focus tends to go on why I don’t like this particular use/shade of red.

What exactly is mixed in that has made it so unappealing to me.

That is what I want to know.

I think color is a pretty good metaphor because it isn’t easy to tell what is mixed into a hue to reach a certain color. It’s not like picking out a food you don’t like in a salad. Colors are complex.

[zestyjesterblend]

Absolutely Loving this lack of engagement.

Don’t log on for weeks. No notes.

no this isn’t sarcasm I’m actually very very happy rn.

and relieved

[zestyjesterblend]

I feel like this is probably a better outlet for my excessive thoughts rather than pacing. My thoughts don’t really go anywhere when I pace (literally). Soooo I’m thinking about fixations and ADHD again! (wow! shocker!) but more like in the vein of trying to explain them to another person (who is interested in what I’m saying). Like I often try and explain the way that I am to an imaginary audience (of like a single person) because they’re curious and want to understand better? I guess??

Point is I’m trying to explain a nebulous state of being to a person who has no idea what my experiences/state of mind are like. I often go with metaphors bc well they’re the only way to explain it in a way that makes sense? whatever.

Anyways for this pacing session I used my constant fidgeting as an example of my excess energy. I can’t really sit still and this is an expression of my state of mind where I constantly think too much whether I want to or not. And like these thoughts need to be funneled somewhere because the brain values feedback loops and neutral doesn’t really bring back results. And the thing with ADHD is that there is a constant need for stimulation so neutral/nothing is not really an option. So the options are Positive and Negative (what else could they be). For my current state the excess thoughts are generally funneled into the Negative loop. Like it reliably gets a response and it’s tied to self preservation so it seems like a pretty good option (to the brain at least). It typically ends up backfiring because being stuck all the time without outside stimulation just leads to more thoughts being funneled into the Negative loop (and repeat).

To counter-balance this a bit is the Positive loop which often takes the form of a fixation. Because it’s difficult to get dopamine out of most things because...idk. There is an over-reliance on a point of interest when it ends up clicking. Like fixations are just interests that dependable sources of dopamine. And because there aren’t really any other outlets alllll the excess thoughts get funneled into that interest and it becomes a point of fixation. Obsession even. It can be rather intense.

So there is a tendency towards obsession and anxiety because of excess brain activity. A D H D.

[zestyjesterblend]

I am very happy with the lack of engagement with my posts. Like yeah it’s only been a day (not even) but like it’s a relief for me. I always expect the worst so getting nothing is nice.

[zestyjesterblend]

ya know, it’s pretty easy (and fun) to kick around shows/stories that aren’t up to par with the thing I’m currently fixated on. Well. shows that don’t internally express* the current theme/message/feeling that I like so much about my fixation. Like, basically these shows are in similar genres so they share many features but often they have different goals with their storytelling. So I can often go like-

Ha! This show isn’t as good as [my fixation]! It doesn’t execute [the aspect I find meaningful about my fixation] well at all! I really like my fixation! It presents this aspect so well!

It’s a way to prop up my fixation while analyzing why I like it so much; it’s a fairly effective technique and I am quite fond of it. This self-serving criticism* appears as “this show isn’t good. It doesn’t do things* well.” to outside observers. If I talked about it. Which I don’t. because I don’t have people to talk to. The internet is not a satisfactory outlet. Nope.

Which is pretty interesting for me to look at. Like I’m hating on a show but really; I’m not. Like I don’t really enjoy watching these shows. They’re not Bad bad because if they were I guarantee I’d get bored Pretty Fast. Like they’re engaging enough to keep my attention. Which is Good! Because keeping my attention on things can be an ordeal. But  like I don’t find the story meaningful at all. It’s fodder for my fixation first and foremost.

So like, I appreciate these shows! For being so meaningless to me but engaging enough that I can dissect them.

These shows are typically popular and like, a lot of people Do find meaning in them. Like a lot of people. Which makes me curious because what I consider meaningless fodder is often revered by a great many people. And I often wonder, what do people find so meaningful in something so empty to me?

like

“I don’t care much about this thing. What do you see in it that makes it so important to you?”

this question is more interesting to me than the show itself honestly

I am So curious

*this is what happens when I can’t find the word I’m looking for. awkward phrasing

**this disclaimer is now an excuse for me to avoid searching for the Right word

***for this post

[zestyjesterblend]

now.

why break up the essay ? ( I guEss it’s an essay [I prefer the phrase word vomit {but fun}]) this isn’t Tw*tter

and I say

I don’t like when a post gets too long & since I use an ample amount of line spaces, these things simply get too long

and it bothers me

and

and

I think it’s funny

CONT.

I firmly believe that hyperfixations are not random and that they relate to what you need most (at that time) to be happy. Kind of like a craving, where your body wants certain nutrients and plants the idea of a certain food in your head. Maybe you’re stressed and want something familiar and comforting, maybe you don’t have enough carbohydrates and need something filling or maybe you need something acidic and there’s vinegar. Point is , you may not consciously be aware of what you need but your body sure knows.

Mostly.

I know that bodies don’t always work the way they’re supposed to and can Think they need something when there’s some kind of faulty hook up that jostles the whole system. Your body isn’t guaranteed to know what’s best for you and should be scrutinized like every other aspect of

self - analysis ?? I guess idk

Anyways.

I just wanted to highlight the phenomenon of you (your body) craving/wanting something it needs without being fully conscious of what it is. Because I and my Lovely tendencies to overanalyze E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G have of course fixated on my fixations. :) Yes you read that right; I have a fervid (thank you thesaurus) intent on thoroughly parsing through my (seemingly) uncontrollable desires. yay.

can u tell I have ADHD

can u

because I’m telling you so now u have no excuse

not that u needed one

TO BE CONTINUED (insert hamster gif)

[zestyjesterblend]

I firmly believe that hyperfixations are not random and that they relate to what you need most (at that time) to be happy. Kind of like a craving, where your body wants certain nutrients and plants the idea of a certain food in your head. Maybe you’re stressed and want something familiar and comforting, maybe you don’t have enough carbohydrates and need something filling or maybe you need something acidic and there’s vinegar. Point is , you may not consciously be aware of what you need but your body sure knows.

Mostly.

I know that bodies don’t always work the way they’re supposed to and can Think they need something when there’s some kind of faulty hook up that jostles the whole system. Your body isn’t guaranteed to know what’s best for you and should be scrutinized like every other aspect of

self - analysis ?? I guess idk

Anyways.

I just wanted to highlight the phenomenon of you (your body) craving/wanting something it needs without being fully conscious of what it is. Because I and my Lovely tendencies to overanalyze E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G have of course fixated on my fixations. :) Yes you read that right; I have a fervid (thank you thesaurus) intent on thoroughly parsing through my (seemingly) uncontrollable desires. yay.

can u tell I have ADHD

can u

because I’m telling you so now u have no excuse

not that u needed one

TO BE CONTINUED (insert hamster gif)

[zestyjesterblend]

So I finally finished the main body of the cardigan I’ve been working on (yay)

The cardigan is ... a lot longer than I expected and the design didn’t turn out quite right either. I’m still mostly satisfied and I guess learning experiences and all that.

My sentences are dull and I can’t construct anything more ... excitable? Words ain’t flowin is the point here. Boring

[zestyjesterblend]

Knitting in the summer kinda sucks....

Good news; I’ve found a show I can put on in the background that does Not make my brain fizzle out. So many shows are either too much, too distracting, too boring, or something I know I don’t like but it’s familiar so I keep it on. 

[zestyjesterblend]

As of Today I have cleared Bizarre Tower

AHaha

[zestyjesterblend]

ALSO

for all the people not reading my posts (which I sure hope you’re not)

curious about the tag juicenotcoffee

which I have no need to explain

but will anyways

It’s because I HATE coffee and blend can refer to coffee or juice

and its not referring to coffee

cause it’s icky

[zestyjesterblend]

also knitting update

it is still causing suffering

but it’s a Different kind of Suffering

gotta keep things fresh ya see

[zestyjesterblend]

well

so

my game (Shiren the Wanderer: tower fortune fate) has been Bullying me :(

Not really of course, but like Geez it is mean (I love the challenge). Like I’d say like maybe 85% of it is like bad decisions on my part (taking unnecessary risks, not using items when I Need them etc...). But stilll. The game totally has it out for me. Having like most of the item be unidentified; curses on items with bad effects; stupid special monster houses (Bizzare tower : Still not Cleared at this point in time).

MEAN!!!!

ahahahaha I love it (kinda)

The constant adapting tactics and comprehensive (??) gameplay is such a joy. I can’t say much about how the gameplay is set up; like what makes for balanced gameplay or something but I can comment on some visual and description stuff. Like the descriptions (of items/monsters) are consistently fun to read. The color coding of names also is fairly clear and I don’t get the colors mixed up. I suppose the color thing is common sense ; but like when I’ve tried to color code folders (half-assed) I just end up confusing myself. 

Anyways a lot is done to make for a much more pleasant frustrating as hell gameplay experience. 

[zestyjesterblend]

I guess this can function as a sort of diary

ehehe

Anyways

my knitting has become a source of suffering and I needed some kind of break/ new focus. So I got Shiren the wanderer because I’ve really loved the gameplay for the pokemon mystery dungeon games and I read that this is similar. Except more difficult. And I gotta say sometimes you need to play a game that kind of hates you. I love how unforgiving this game is lol; like I consider myself somewhat of a pokemon mystery dungeon veteran and this game seriously pushes me to my limits even with my wealth of knowledge. I beat the main story in approx 18 hours; which I think is pretty damn good; like I don’t know for sure but I faced (and defeated) both bosses when I had only prepared for one. I certainly hadn’t expected to be flung into another dungeon immediately after the first boss either.

There seems to be a ton of post game content to enjoy that won’t hesitate to go for the jugular aha. I managed to make it through the first Hunter’s Pond dungeon (the one with 29 floors). I also just got through the lost well and I barely scraped by; like I only had one revival grass left - and I always make sure to stock up. 

I will be playing more but I’ve got to balance it out lest I become a zoned out zombie with the nagging feeling that I should be doing something responsible