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Just a depression Drabble

I can’t stop thinking about that kiss. Ever since that night a few days ago, my mind has been in 20 seperate places at four separate levels. And I want to talk to you about it, but someone else has your heart. And I don’t think I ever will.

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okay so theres an episode of whats new scooby doo where the gang goes home on valentines day, and i guess the studio really wanted to avoid the implication that daphne and fred were sleeping together because daphne and velma live together and fred lives with shaggy and scooby 

but that attempt at avoiding anything risque backfired spectacularly because now it just seems like daphne and velma are a comfortably domestic couple and fred is trying to learn how to live with his boyfriends over excitable and really hungry great dane

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Reblog to start a petition demanding any mars colonists must become familiar with all humans are space Australians writing, and carry out behaviour as dictated by the writings.

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but reanimation 

I mean… humans are so frigging hard to kill that if you die people will just be OH NO YOU DON’T and start pumping your heart themselves and breathing in your lungs until you do it by yourself again. most races consider someone dead when the heart stops, but not humans. not you-can’t-kill-me humans. until there’s even a teeny tiny grain of hope they fucking won’t let death have them. they know that they have a few minutes to do so, at best, and it would be simpler to just let go, but not humans.

cardiac arrest? not on my shift, buddy. respiratory failure? heck no. 

whatever happens, they will try to literally bring you back from the otherworld. 

MonCalamari: I feel very sad. Human Jessie died the other day… a cardiac arrest. She was such a good friend, I can’t even-

Human Steve: buddy, Jessie is alive and well. she’s still in medic bay of course, what with the heart problem and everything, but now she’s good!  who told you that she died? 

MonCalamari: … are you kidding me? her heart stopped, of course she is dead! 

Human Steve: she most definitely isnt, I just went to medic bay and she’s still kicking- mind you, they saved her by a hair, they tried for almost ten minutes… they almost had given up on her, but she is strong and they managed to restart the heart in time.

MonCalamari: they… they got her heart beating again? but that’s surely impossible…? 

Human Steve: go in medic bay if you don’t believe me. surely by now you should have learned that humans don’t like to die?

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Irradiated Meals

So, I’ve been binging the #HumansAreSpaceOrcs/#EarthIsSpaceAustralia, and I had a thought when I was heating up my lunch.

How do aliens do leftovers?

Human: So, what should we do for lunch?

Alien: Let me grab some protein tablets, and we’ll be good.

*alien walks away, while human grabs some pizza out of the refrigerator, and places it into the microwave*

Alien: HUMAN! What are you doing with that? That’s a dangerous piece of equipment meant for the preparation of irradiated energy for our compost engines!?!

Human: ...

Alien: Well?

Human: ...This is a microwave.

Alien: That is a Dys Chamber that bombards it’s contents with dangerous radiation! No! Don’t you-

*human eats pizza*

Alien: I’ll go get the anti radiation sprays, and hope you don’t die in the meantime.

Human: You DO realize we’ve been usin microwaves to heat our food forever, right? Hell, my daughter can use it better than I can, and she’s 8.

*The Alien sends a note to his boss, saying that the humans are more unstable than they had realized if they regularly bombard their food with radiation*

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Can you imagine aliens trying to figure out fireworks? Humans set off bombs for aesthetic. That’s how we celebrate certain holidays, by setting off bombs that hurt our ears and dazzle our eyes, because we think they’re pretty.

“What is this ‘New Year’s Day, Brett?”

“Well, it’s the end of our solar year, marking when the earth has traveled all the way around the sun.”

“You humans are odd. That is nothing to celebrate. It happens by nature.”

“We think it’s pretty special. Anyway, we get together with friends, count down the hours to the new year and set off fireworks-”

“What are fireworks?”

“Pyrotechnics, um, bombs. They explode in the air. They’re pretty harmless if you handle them properly-”

“You set off BOMBS to celebrate the fact that your planet has circled your star???”

“Um, yeah, it sounds funny when you say it like that but yeah.”

*confused and terrified alien screaming*

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One thing that amaze me from the whole humans are space orcs is that, as far i know, no one have mentioned how human media or more specific “Human horror / sci fi media” will affect how the rest of galactic society will perceive humanity

Aliens surprised about how they have never cross paths with the aliens species the humans have battle as see in these “movies” humans love to watch

At first they thinks “movies” must be some class of audiovisual record of human history to be thaught to future genertions but then they are atonished about how humans look foward to see and renact some of these “movies” in what they called “reboots” and collect some ritual figures of the heros and adversaries in that movies.

Even the young ones get some of this as “toys”

Humans are a proud warrior race it seems

But then, it sinks to them “We never have heard about that aliens species before…” and the humans looks almost so casual sharings and retelling this movies almost funnily between them. And its shocking because, how one single race could just have extinguished from the face of the universe multiple threats and just shrug it off??

Its not a surpise that when the first contact bewtween space community and the human race start with “Hello humans! We come in peace! No, seriously.. really we really come in peace.We know about the legendary tales of Ellen Ripley and Will Smith and do not have a death wish”

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Humans and Fire

So I’ve read a few humans are weird posts and it got me thinking, what if humans are the only species to evolve to use fire. Like, most intelligent species will instinctively flee in panic the moment they catch sight of an open flame, yet show a human infant a fire and if they don’t know better, they will try to grab it.

Humans will burn everything. Most of us won’t eat anything unless it has been “Cooked” first. (A human word meaning to heat food until it has begun to denature but not yet started to carbonize.)

Start a small fire and instead of fleeing, humans will gather around it and start socializing.

We get intoxicated by setting specific plants on fire and inhaling the smoke, often with the burning embers mere inches from our sensitive face.

We use it to clear land for agriculture and hunting. We use it to punish criminals. We even use it for purely aesthetic purposes. (Think fireworks.)

Heck, we we discovered hydrocarbons, the first thing we did was burn them. In fact, humans were burning so much hydrocarbons they were literally altering the atmosphere of their planet.

Heck, humans have died because they literally did not have enough materials to burn.

Now imagine hostile aliens want to invade earth. They don’t use fire except for carefully controlled and heavily guarded industrial purposes. They also don’t know much about earth other than it is definitely inhabited and the people haven’t developed intergalactic travel.

They’re expecting to face primitive forces armed with the local equivalent of clubs and bows. What they get is, to them, a strange anachronistic jumble of expected primative technologies and highly advanced technologies that they definitely shouldn’t have.

They’re not expecting guns. (Projectile weapons that consist of a narrow tube with projectile and a chemical propellent stuffed into one end. Instead of an electromagnetic pulse, the propellant is ignited and the expanding gases shoot the projectile out of the tube.)

They’re not expecting powered vehicles. Instead of electric motors, humans have what they call the internal combustion engine. (A motor that works by sucking flammable gas into an enclosed chamber, igniting the gas under pressure, and using the resulting force from the detonation to move a piston. Because of that, humans have heavy machinery, self-propelled vehicles, and powered air-craft before they even really understood bio electricity.

They’re not expecting bombs, or incendiary weapons. (It was also how it was discovered that their bio-polymer armor, while excellent against projectiles, can actually burn at surprisingly low temperatures.

They’re not even expecting smelted metal. Steel to them is a high tech material that can only be produced under specialized conditions of extreme heat, and requires very specialized facilities to produce. They are shocked to discover that humans have been smelting copper before they developed writing.

And they are definitely not expecting nuclear weapons. (Which are basically “bombs” that instead of using combustable chemicals use an uncontrolled nuclear fission reaction. They are also aghast to discover that not only was this apparently the first thing we thought to do when we discovered fission, but that competing human faction have “how many of these weapons stockpiled!?”

After retreating in disgrace, the task force sent to monitor the plant is horrified to report that humans are rapidly expanding into space. They aren’t using gravitic lifters or electromagnetic mass drivers. They are apparently simply loading equipment and personnel into special “missiles” and using a shit ton of highly combustable fuel to simply launch themselves into space.

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On the humans are weird thing, what about the Hadron Collider?

Like, aliens come to earth and are kind of impressed with how fast our technology is progressing, and they’re like, touring the earth and meeting the greatest minds of our generation and eventually end up at CERN.

Alien: So what are you doing here, Human Scientist of CERN?

Scientist: Oh, well, we made this machine that smashes atoms into even smaller stuff.

Alien: Oh? And how did you achieve this?

Scientist: Well, we throw them at each other at amazing speeds until they break apart. It’s actually pretty cool.

Alien: It does sound interesting.

Scientist: Right? It sucks there’s people who are pissed about it.

Alien: Excuse me?

Scientist: Well, theoretically there’s a chance that we could create a black hole if we go through this process.

Alien:

Alien:

Alien: Why do you persist in this endeavor if this is a possibility?

Scientist: It’s fuckin’ sicc

And then the aliens realize that oh, humans are only so ahead of the times is because they’re fucking crazy and just do shit. And then they leave.

Just in case.

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Imagine a group of humans and aliens talking about their home worlds while in the ship’s canteen. One world is covered entirely by water (the crew members from there have to wear special masks to help them absorb the oxygen they need from the air); one is full of rare minerals and littered with what, on any other planet, would be precious stones and one is carpeted with dense vegetation and has the more biodiversity than any other planet.

Once they’ve all finished talking about their own planets, everybody turns to the humans and asks them what Earth is like. They’re only doing it to be polite though. They haven’t heard much about humans (except the usual stories, and only fledglings believe in those) and they can’t really believe that these fleshy bald looking things come from anywhere even remotely as interesting as their own planets.

There’s a pause and then one of the humans speaks up, “well, I come from a part of Earth called ‘England’ and, to be honest, it’s nothing like as cool as your planets sound. It’s alright though. We got some snow last year, so I’m hoping that we’ll have some this year as well when I get back.”

“Snow?” one of the water breathers asks, hissing slightly through their mask, “what’s that?”

“Frozen water that falls from the sky.” The human explains, “it’s really fun to play with. It’s only called snow when it’s soft though— when it’s hard it’s called hail. Nobody likes hail, you can’t do anything with it and it hurts if it hits you. I looked up during a hail storm once,” she adds, “when I was a kid. Huge hailstones and one hit me right in the eye! Hurt like Hell.”

“Is your planet really cold then?” one of the aliens asks, sounding doubtful since nothing has looked less equipped to deal with cold weather than a human.

“No,” she says, “not everywhere. England’s pretty cold, but in the Summer sometimes we get heatwaves. Last year I went out in one and forgot to wear suncream and got sunburn all down my arms.”

“Your planet’s sun… burned you?” a horrified creature asks, “was it painful?”

“Not really, just stung a bit,” she shrugs, “it was fine once the skin started to peel.” (At the back of the crowd that has now amassed around their table a voice says “I didn’t know humans moulted.” and another, horrified sounding voice replies “that’s because they don’t!”) the human continues on regardless. “It was really annoying actually, because it meant I couldn’t go out for a bit without wearing a jacket. Then when my burns had finally healed, I wanted to go to the beach, but when I got there there was this huge thunderstorm and I had to go home again.”

“Thunderstorm?” the word is whispered, mainly because the person asking secretly hopes the human won’t hear them so they won’t have to know.

“It’s when the clouds get all dark and it starts raining,” the human explains and everybody sighs with relief. Most planets have rain. “The clouds make these really loud banging noises,” she continues, “that’s the thunder, and electricity shoots down from the clouds— that’s called lightning. Sometimes people get hit by it, a few people even survive. I once—”

But one of her human friends cuts her off. “God,” he says, “you Brits are so boring, always talking about the weather!”

While she argues with him, the creatures seated around the table stare at them in astonishment and start to give a little more credit to those old stories. Because, though they look pretty harmless, a species would have to be tough to be able to survive on a planet where a person could be pelted with ice, burned by the sun and nearly electrocuted by the sky and then have another person describe those experiences as boring!

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*gently gathers everyone who writes Humans Are Weird/Space Orcs/Space Australians fics* WRITE A BOOK GODDAMMIT

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Humans are weird: laser tag

OK LIKE IM SHOCKED TO HAVE SEEN NOBODY COVER THIS?? LIKE, aliens coming to earth and when humans explain to them what we do for fun and stuff they come to the subject of games such as paintball and laser tag and stuff.  It would probably be like; Alien: “Wait, what? Repeat that.” Human: “Laser tag?” Alien: “Y-You guys have lasers–and play tag with them?” Human: “Yeah, mostly the children do it though.” Alien: “T-The children shoot lasers at each other for fun? No adult has a problem with it??” Human: “nah we just kinda wait outside for them to be done” Alien: “what”

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This is SO cool that I just had to share.

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Me when I cross the stage on Friday!

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Donald Trump is banned from every Steam Powered Giraffe concert.